Despite his earlier anger at engineering, he still found himself back in the engineering room. They called it the engineering room, but it hadn't been before him, and Vizim took it over.
Red pulled a few wires from a shelf and a fresh core. He wasn't sure how badly his guns were messed up, but neither would be in good shape. The first shockblaster seemed to have been overloaded during the initial explosion. The cooling system he had installed was fried, and many of the wires had been burnt.
With a careful slowness, Red removed the core from the weapon. It smoked slightly, and he could feel the energy emanating from the core. He grimaced; the core was in a dangerous spot and very unstable.
The overpowering energy from the bomb had combined with the rest of the systems in his gun. The resulting situation left half the core fully charged, leaving the other half empty. Normally, the power level would be evenly distributed, and the power would balance out across the whole core. This type of half-and-half was very dangerous and unstable.
He gingerly set the item on the table and began quickly moving to drain the core. Red removed the core from his other gun and wired the two devices together. It was dangerous, but he wasn't paying much attention at the moment. There was a pop and a spark, and the contraption nearly exploded. Luckily, he managed to drain the remaining energy from the damaged core to the other one.
Red ran a hand through his hair, "Damn it."
Red paused for a moment to check out his other shockblaster. This one was in far better condition and only needed a few wire changes. The empty core bounced off the table as his attention was fully focused on fixing his weapons. It only took a few minutes of welding and cutting to make the second shockblaster good as new.
He tightened his grip on the handle of the weapon. It was the same weapon that had killed the pirate. Red shook his head. He was here to fix his guns and not think about death or killing. Tucking the fixed shockblaster into his coat, Red took a closer look at his original shockblaster. This one would require a lot more work and time. Most of the components needed to be replaced, and the entire weapon would have to be taken apart to proceed.
"What are you doing in here?"
Red dropped his gun in startlement and whirled to find Zara standing in the doorway, "Sorry. You scared me."
She raised an eyebrow, "Derrin said that it was your plan that got the second bomb placed."
Red scoffed, "Yeah, what about it?"
"Are you alright?"
"Perfectly fine, thank you very much. I'm busy at the moment," he turned back to his gun.
This was not the conversation he was interested in having at the moment. If he wanted to talk, he would have gone to find her much earlier. Even more so, he would have talked with Derrin. No, he did not really care what they had to say. He had thought about the situation enough and had come to his conclusions. Now, there was only the future to think about…there was only the future.
"Derrin told me what happened," she said without preamble.
"Okay. And?"
"And, I wanted to make sure that you were okay. He was worried about your reaction, which, quite frankly, he should have been."
"I already told you I'm perfectly fine," Red grimaced inwardly.
"If that were the case, then you wouldn't be hiding in here trying to drown yourself in work."
"What makes you say that? I actually enjoy spending my time doing this…"
Zara coughed, "There is a core currently smoking a burn mark into the floor over there."
Red glanced past the table. What was she talking about? There was no core on the… oh damn.
"Crap," he staggered over and grabbed the smoking core with his coat. It hissed as the remaining energy threatened to burst from the inside out. Cursing himself, Red tossed the item against the wall where it exploded in a pop of sparks. The room fell silent as he stared at the crumpled remains.
"So, are you going to keep telling me that you are okay? You killed a man, Red. That is not something that is easy to get over."
"In the past. I am looking at the future now. I am over it, I've passed it. It doesn't matter," He replied through gritted teeth.
Zara fell silent. Red walked back to the table and returned his attention to the remaining shockblaster. He wished he actually had a clear mind. This was most definitely not the time to be fixing his gun.
"Pretending it didn't happen won't make it go away."
"I'm not pretending anything!" He yelled.
"If you aren't pretending, then you wouldn't be so upset right now," She took a seat opposite him, forcing him to stare at her or turn away. "What is it that is bothering you if not the killing?"
"Derrin said that killing is something that you get used to…I don't want to end up like that. It would be so easy to kill someone again. What happens when I get used to it? Then what? When killing becomes second nature, who knows what will happen?" Red grimaced, unable to hold her gaze any longer.
Zara was silent for a long time. "You won't get used to it."
He glanced at her, confused.
She shook her head, "Killing is not something that ever comes easily, even as a soldier. Everyone always has the same worry that you do. They worry that they'll kill enough that it becomes second nature, and it'll control them. I'm not going to give you some calming words like that will never happen. It has happened plenty and will happen more in the future."
"However, the essence of killing is not about the killing itself. In fact, the actual killing is probably the least important part. It is your reason behind it that matters. Are you killing because it is easier to kill, or are you killing because there is no other choice? Are you killing because you want to or because there is a bigger reason behind it?"
"I don't understand."
"Let me ask you a question, Red. Why did you kill the pirate in the jungle?"
"Well, I uh…" he had to think about it for a moment, "I killed because I was trying to live. I killed because I put myself in that situation and didn't have a way out."
"Alright. Let me ask a deeper question, then. Why did you put yourself in that situation?"
Red hesitated. He wasn't really sure how to answer that himself. He hadn't wanted the plan to fail; that was definitely true. However, he also had been cooped up in the fort for far too long. He wanted to do something, and planting the new bomb was something that needed to be done. It was fun and exciting when he insisted on planting the bomb. It had seemed like it would be a cool adventure.
"I wanted to do something fun and exciting."
That was what he was most concerned about. He didn't have a good reason to be there in the first place. Derrin could have very well done it by himself. That would have prevented him from ever meeting the pirate and killing the man. If Derrin had gone, there was a chance he would have been caught or even been killed, but that wasn't why he had gone.
He had gone because he wanted to do something fun. Had he been there for any other reason than perhaps the dead pirate wouldn't still be eating at the back of his mind. However, he hadn't been there for any other reason, well, no reason that was as central as the reason he was there.
"I see," Zara nodded, "Give me a moment. Wait here, I'll be right back."
Red blinked in surprise as Zara vanished out the door. Was she leaving already? He had thought this was supposed to be some kind of intervention. That is what it seemed like at least. Derrin had tried already, and Red didn't believe anything he had said. However, for Zara to simply get up and leave…that didn't seem to be a good way of helping her case.