Want to read ahead? Join my Patreon for just $7 to get early access to all upcoming chapters!
> Patreon.com/NegativeTranslations
─────
[Author's Note: What if the protagonist had been reincarnated in Orario fifteen years ago? I was receiving all sorts of ideas and working on a Christmas 'Orario Merry' and Xenos book when this concept struck me like a divine revelation, so I wrote it on impulse. What would have happened during that golden era when humanity's strongest factions—the Hera and Zeus Familias—were still alive and well? If you're curious, you should see for yourself. This is merely a tale of predictions and possibilities. Even if it deviates from actual history, I write this to show that an author can birth a new era from their delusions. Now, let the ridiculous farce begin.]
Chapter 46: The Golden Age Farce
Orario was currently at peace, kept in check by the glaring presence of the two almighty factions. Yet, an explosive roar of destruction—completely unbefitting of that tranquility—echoed across the city.
"What, again...?"
"If we're hearing that sound..."
"Yeah, a new release must have just dropped."
The townsfolk didn't panic. They accepted the spectacle as just another everyday occurrence. In fact, some of the men even had perverted, excited grins on their faces.
At the epicenter of the destruction stood two women.
"Today is the day I reduce your flesh to dust and send you packing back to the Celestial World."
"Kyaa! Somebody help me! There's a murderer on the loose!"
Two women with matching gray hair were locked in a frantic, full-sprint game of tag through the streets. The pursuer unleashed merciless magic without a shred of hesitation, utterly disregarding her surroundings. The escapee dodged every blast as if it were second nature, which ultimately resulted in massive collateral damage to the city.
It was a scene chaotic enough to make even Evilus pale in comparison. The citizens merely sighed in exasperation, muttering, "Here they go again," before heading off to submit repair requests to the carpentry Familias.
Amidst the destruction and screams echoing through Orario, the fleeing woman made a beeline for a specific Familia. Her pursuer, anticipating her destination, ramped up her killing intent and rapid-fired magic to finish her off before she could reach it. But not a single spell landed; the fleeing woman's body seemed to move with a mind of its own, effortlessly dodging every strike.
In the end, she managed to outrun her pursuer and arrived at her sanctuary.
It was the home of the Zeus Familia—the undisputed strongest faction of the Age of Gods.
The woman casually patted the gatekeeper on the shoulder. "Take care of the girl behind me, would you? ♪" she chirped with a wink before slipping inside.
The gatekeeper didn't blush. Instead, his face drained of all color. He turned to face the approaching woman with the grim expression of a warrior marching to his death.
The moment she stepped into the Zeus Familia's headquarters, the deafening boom of an explosion and a man's tragic scream echoed from outside.
I wonder if he made it to the Celestial World in one piece?
Pondering this, she sprinted through the halls until she bumped into a god who possessed an impressively muscular physique despite his elderly appearance.
"Oh, Lord Zeus! Here's the new release~!"
"Uhyooo!!!"
Without breaking her stride, she pulled a brand-new adult doujinshi from her backpack and presented it to Zeus.
This was the exact reason she was allowed free rein inside the Zeus Familia's base. Simply put, she regularly bribed their patron deity with smut books. The gatekeeper had known this, which was why he hadn't stopped her—and frankly, he was also one of the many loyal beneficiaries of her explicit literature.
"Oh, by the way, do you know where Zald or Paal are?"
"Hmm! Paal's wounds from the other day haven't healed yet. If you're going to drag someone into this, use Zald. He's in the kitchen."
"Copy that!"
With that confirmed, she bolted toward the kitchen. Her zero hesitation in navigating the halls proved just how often she frequented the place.
Incidentally, right as she reached the kitchen, she heard another massive explosion and could have sworn she saw the brief flash of a pillar of light ascending to heaven. Well, probably just my imagination.
"Target Zald acquired!"
"Ghk—?! It is you!! You walking plague!!!"
"Aww, calling me a goddess? You flatter me."
"I didn't call you a goddess, I called you a plague, you idiot!!"
The kitchen was mostly cleared out. Judging by the half-finished dishes left behind, he must have heard the explosions, correctly assessed the situation, and hastily prepared to evacuate. I casually snatched a bite of the abandoned food and stealthily ducked behind a counter.
"Hey! Are you seriously eating my—?!"
"So she's in here?"
"A—Alfia!!"
Before Zald could finish scolding me for stealing his food, Alfia materialized, radiating pure, suffocating killing intent. Even as an executive of the Zeus Familia, Zald couldn't help but break into a cold sweat under the glare of this walking natural disaster—the very incarnation of unreasonableness.
Using sheer willpower to force his trembling knees to stop, Zald faced her.
"W-What do you want?"
"Isn't it obvious? Hand over that suicidal woman."
"You mean that idiot? If so, she's not—"
"Gospel."
Without letting him finish, Alfia's magic blasted Zald away.
The shockwave sent the remaining food flying into the air. I immediately leaped out from my hiding spot and, with godlike speed, caught the mid-air food and stuffed it all into the Tupperware containers scattered around the kitchen before a single crumb could hit the floor.
Judging by this fluid sequence of events and the massive stockpile of Tupperware kept in the kitchen, one could easily guess this was a regular routine.
"So you were cowering in here," Alfia said coldly.
"Look, Zald is built tough, so blasting him is fine, but blowing up perfectly good food is a waste! Don't do that!!"
"It's definitely not fine to blast me either!!!" Zald roared as he marched back into the room, recovering from being blown through a wall like it was nothing. As expected of a First-Class Adventurer—taking a direct hit from Alfia's magic and instantly bouncing back.
Even with that little comedic interlude, Alfia's killing intent didn't waver in the slightest.
"Hey, seriously," Zald asked, glaring at me. "What kind of messed-up book did you draw this time?"
"Messed-up? How rude. I simply illustrated a book where Alfia spies on Meteria and Cranel's nightly affairs and engages in some extreme solo play! That's all!"
"If you want to commit suicide, don't drag us down with you!!!!"
The sheer absurdity of the content caused the veins in Zald's head to bulge to the point of popping. Alfia narrowed her eyes, glaring at the enraged man.
"You... How dare you learn of my shame?" Alfia hissed.
"Wait! I didn't do anything! It's all her fault!!"
"Oh, by the way," I chimed in, "if you don't help me right now, Lord Zeus promised he won't update your Falna for an entire year."
"You absolute plaaaaaaague!!!"
Cursing at the top of his lungs, Zard grabbed a ladle and a pot lid, valiantly charging at Alfia. Seizing the opening, I quickly shoved the Tupperware into my bag and bolted from the kitchen.
Ah, Zald. To think you'd willingly stay behind to stall that terrifying woman just for my sake. If you die, I promise I'll draw a harem smut book starring you and the women of the Hera Familia, and I'll leave it at your grave as an offering.
"Don't you dare offer such a terrifying cursed object at my grave!!!!"
"Ah!"
Mid-flight from another one of Alfia's magical blasts, Zald screamed his final objection right before plummeting out of the sky and burying himself headfirst into the courtyard dirt in a perfect upside-down ostrich pose. His legs were still twitching, so he was probably alive, but it looked like he wouldn't be able to stall her any longer.
Paal was out of commission, so there was no one else around who could hold Alfia back. Was there anyone else who could step in as a substitute...?
"Ha! Found one!!"
"Hm? Gehh?!"
Sprinting through the base, I spotted a human with red hair and red eyes ahead of me. He noticed me at the exact same time. His previously carefree expression instantly contorted in horror, and he took off running in the opposite direction at full speed.
He was incredibly fast, but nowhere near as fast as someone who spent her days playing high-stakes tag with the literal incarnation of calamity. I caught up to him effortlessly and ran right alongside him. He turned to me, tears of absolute despair streaming down his face.
"Those explosions earlier... If you're here, that means Alfia's on a rampage, isn't she?!"
"Bingo! As expected of you, Cranel. Your quick grasp of the situation is a lifesaver."
"Dammit! I shouldn't have optimistically assumed the captain or vice-captain were just sparring in the training grounds! I should've evacuated the base immediately!!"
Despite his wailing, his speed didn't drop. In fact, he was accelerating. He might have only been Level 2, but in terms of pure Agility, he was easily in the Level 3—or perhaps even Level 4—range.
Even so, he couldn't shake me. Naturally. When it came to running away, I was a natural-born escape artist operating at Level 7 proficiency. Years of putting my life on the line to outrun Alfia had paid off.
"More importantly, why the hell are you running right next to me?! You're fast enough to ditch me!"
"Hmm, well, I'd love to do that, but..."
Right as I said that, I grabbed Cranel's arm and yanked him to the side. A split second later, the hallway we had just been running down detonated in a massive explosion. There was no need to play detective. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Alfia glaring at us, her hair practically standing on end from rage.
"You know, looking at us like this, it's almost like a noble lady eloping with a commoner farmer to escape their pursuers. Blush~."
"You piece of rotting garbage," Alfia snarled. "It wasn't enough to defile my sister, now you're laying hands on this brainless woman, too? Die a hundred times over."
"Hey, hold on!!! That is a massive misunderstanding! Wait, you did that on purpose, didn't you?!" Cranel shrieked at me.
"Alright, aggro successfully raised! Now there's an extra target, which means the heat on me has been halved!"
"Yeah, okay, so you're not even trying to hide that it was premeditated. Seriously, how are you not a member of Evilus?!"
We burst out of the base and into the city streets, immediately hitting a fork in the road. I explicitly signaled for me to go right and him to go left, but for some reason, he followed me to the right.
"Why are you coming the same way as me?!"
"Isn't it obvious?! We're in this together now! Plus, she's way more likely to go after the slower one, which is me!"
"You're a guy, aren't you? Where's your chivalrous instinct to sacrifice yourself to protect a frail, delicate lady?"
"Frail, delicate lady? Where exactly is this mythical woman you're talking about?"
"Oh? And who was the certain 'Cra-someone' who tried to hit on me the first time we met, saying, 'I've never laid eyes on such a lovely, beautiful lady before'?"
"Gyaaaah!! Stop, that is my darkest history! I want to erase it from existence!!! And on top of that, you made me pay for everything on that date! I was broke for weeks!!"
Amidst our idiotic banter, I picked up the pace to ditch him. Refusing to be left behind, Cranel desperately grabbed onto my clothes and dragged himself along behind me.
If we were in a straight hallway like back at the base, leaving him behind wouldn't have slowed her down. But here at the crossroads, splitting up would have given me a fifty-fifty chance that she'd chase him instead. That was the whole reason I forcefully dragged him into this mess, but now he was just dead weight.
"I am never letting go of this shirt!!"
"Ugh! You're gonna get us both caught! If it comes down to this..."
I tried to forcefully peel him off, but Cranel was physically stronger. If that was how he wanted to play, I had no choice but to use my weapons.
I reached into my bag and pulled out a different new release.
"Guess what this is~?"
"...What is that?"
"You know Elizabeth, the popular poster girl at the flower shop who gets proposed to by gods all the time? Well, this is a dirty little doujinshi about a certain bad werewolf named Cranel getting her drunk and taking her home."
"I don't really want to know, but... what exactly do you plan to do with that?"
"It's not on the market yet, but I figured I'd get Meteria's thoughts on it first. If the quality is good enough, she might just snap and instantly transform into a woman truly worthy of the Hera Familia."
"You demon! You devil! You are the true Absolute Evil!!!"
I forced him to promise that we would split up at the next fork, then handed him the Elizabeth and Cranel book. Upon receiving it, Cranel's shoulders slumped as if he had just been sentenced to hell.
Soon enough, another crossroad appeared. This time, I went right and Cranel went left. Now completely alone, I glanced back and saw Alfia practically breathing down my neck.
"Splitting up to force my hand and limit my targets, I see," Alfia muttered.
"And yet, you still chased me without a second of hesitation."
"Naturally. You were my target from the very beginning, you imbecile. I will butcher that man at a later date."
"Ah, so you're not letting him off the hook either. Sorry about that, Cranel."
I offered a silent, heartfelt apology to Cranel. I had dragged him into this for nothing, he had been absolutely useless as a decoy, and now he was going to get murdered later anyway.
Well, he was probably jumping for joy right now, thinking Alfia had spared him, and eagerly flipping through the book I gave him with a perverted grin. Too bad for him—I only drew the cover. The inside was completely blank and unfinished. I wonder if he's disappointed?
Still, knowing him, he'd be fine. The real problem was me. Thanks to Cranel dragging me down and literally pulling on my clothes to stay close, Zald's precious sacrifice had been completely wasted.
If she fired her magic from this range, I wasn't sure if I could dodge it.
"Alfia! Give it a rest already! I don't care if you're in the Hera Familia, once you start getting obsessed with other women, it's over for you! O-V-E-R!!"
"Rest assured," Alfia replied coldly. "Once I obliterate your insolent mouth and mangle your arms so you can never draw again, I will have zero interest in you."
"That really doesn't sound like something a member of the city's peacekeeping Familia should say."
"And you cause so many problems, I find it genuinely unbelievable that you aren't part of Evilus."
Trading insults back and forth, I desperately scanned for an escape route.
I didn't actually think I could outrun her at this pace, but I wasn't completely out of ideas. Time to initiate Plan A.
"Finders keepers! I'm handing out free copies of the thirteenth release in the Alfia series!!!"
"You wretch!!!"
Like a paperboy shouting 'Extra! Extra!', I tossed sample copies of the Alfia books from my bag to every male deity I crossed paths with.
This was Plan A: Target Dispersion. No matter how ruthless Alfia was, she wouldn't dare act violently against a god—
"Vanish along with those revolting books and your memories. Gospel."
"Gyaaaaaah!!!!"
"Hey, hold on! They're not all built like Lord Zeus! Didn't you just send a few of them back to the Celestial World?!"
"I merely reduced the number of mouths that could spread my unnecessary shame."
"Forget reverence for the gods, do you even have a human heart?!"
If Zald or Cranel were here, they definitely would have yelled, Look who's talking!
Regardless, Plan A was a bust. Time to move on to Plan B.
"Guards!! HEEEEEEELP!!!!"
When you can't handle things yourself, call for backup. If you're lucky, the world's strongest Sword Saint might just show up to save the day...
"Do you honestly believe the guards will intervene in this farce at this point?"
"Yeah, good point. That only worked the first two times. By the third time, not only did the guards stop coming, but they actively started running away from us."
With Plans A and B both ruined, I only had one option left. Since ancient times, the course of action for someone in my position has always been set in stone.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIFE!!!"
Yep, it was time to put absolutely everything into sprinting. I focused every ounce of my mind and body into my legs and booked it. In response, Alfia intensified her magical barrage.
This was everyday life in Orario. A ridiculous farce that continued endlessly—right up until the Zeus and Hera Familias challenged the Black Dragon.
...
I stood before a certain grave, holding a bouquet of flowers and grumbling to myself.
"Sigh... You disappeared without a trace fifteen years ago, and when you finally returned seven years ago, you're the one who joins Evilus instead of me? To think our first meeting was you blasting me away with a single 'shut up' just because I was overly excited buying art supplies after an all-nighter. I got so mad that I started making your smut book series. I'd make one, you'd attack me, I'd make another... I ended up making twenty of those things. Do you have any idea how many times Zald and Leon hovered on the brink of death because you took your anger out on them...?"
I offered a wry smile, pressing my hands together to pray for the soul of the woman I shared such an inseparable, chaotic bond with, who had long since returned to the Celestial World.
"Oh? I see you're here too."
"My, Lord Hermes. And who might you be...?"
"Ah, nice to meet you. I'm Bell Cranel."
He had pure white hair, just like Alfia and her younger sister, Meteria—and the exact same red eyes as that loud, amusing Cranel.
More importantly, standing right in front of me was the very subject of the new smut book I was writing to replace Alfia's series.
"I know you very well," I said. "Yes, very well. Actually, I have a favor to ask. Could you pray for the person in this grave? We had a strange, inseparable bond. I wouldn't call us friends, exactly, but... she was someone who I think would appreciate a prayer from you..."
"...? I don't really understand, but if that's all you need..."
Honest and kind, Bell crouched before the grave, pressed his hands together, and prayed for the soul of Alfia—a woman whose face and name he didn't even know.
"Huh? What's this book...?"
"Hm? Ah, Bell, don't look at that—!!"
Opening his eyes after finishing his prayer, Bell noticed a book left as an offering at the adjacent grave.
Hermes saw it and panicked, trying to stop him, but he was a second too late. Driven by curiosity, Bell reached out, looked at the cover, and completely froze.
"...Huh?"
His brain short-circuited as he stared at the harem smut book, which depicted a naked man (Zald) surrounded by women in various provocative outfits (the Hera Familia).
On this day, at this time, in this exact place...
I swear I heard a voice from the heavens.
It was a thunderous roar. The furious, vein-popping, resentful scream of Zald.
The soul that had returned to heaven delivered a message in response to my 'offering'.
When you finally get sent to the Celestial World, I'm going to chop you to pieces the second you arrive!!!
I only had one answer for him.
"Sooooorry~!"
─────
Support this fanfict by leaving Positive Review, Comments, and Power Stones.
For Advance Chapters:
> Patreon.com/NegativeTranslations