"Ismael, how many people did you kill?"
"I remember. At least four hundred fifty two."
"They had families, right?"
"Surely. But I've lost the plot a long time ago."
"You've had your fair share of horrors. Maybe it's time to stop."
"If I could just stop everything I would have done so at Cressenie. I'm at Perseus and I still can't stop. By honor I have to kill all of them."
"What is that leading you to?"
"Emptiness leads to emptiness. I don't have the kind of meaningful experience or friends to hang out with. I was meant to lose myself in a sea of blood."
"Still so edgy. You deny all emotions humans feel under the excuse of a mission."
"Without missions, we wander."
"You're missing the point. You have a mission but no goal. What are you aiming at?"
"Finishing the mission."
"And after?"
"If there's no more mission after this one I'll just end it all."
"No families? Wife, kids?"
"Are you fucking retarded? I'm dying alone. Gloria can die too for all I care. Playing around with those Cardinals is fun and when the fun dies I'll know I'll be close to the end."
"Is it a lack of emotion or a misunderstanding of it?"
"It's common sense. Nobody knows me better than I know myself. I have to keep on shooting my weapons until the enemy is down".
"The way Nara messed up your life, influencing the politicians of Cressenie to influence all of you to commit crimes against humanity. What, then?"
"You're talking but I don't know what you're saying."
"You've brought all you had from Cressenie. The people, the habits, the relations, and now this. The military lifestyle."
"How can I leave behind who I am? Was I supposed to leave my personality on the couch?"
"Don't you realize you've made your own life your personal hell?"
"How is any of that my fault? I shouldn't have been born. Blessed be those who didn't have two parents fucking."
"That's quite antinatalist of you. And depressing."
"I hate that I'm breathing air. I don't want people to look at me. When they asked us at Cressenie's Military School what position we wanted, I screamed sniper. I thought if I had to kill someone, might as well be distant about it. Leaving the murder between me and God."
"Hiding behind a scope?"
"War is hell but war is human. I hide behind the mirror. I leave an interrogation mark on the reflection. Whoever tries to look at me will never understand me."
"It's not about understanding you. Who do you want to be?"
"...I want to murder more. I deserve it."
"To give meaning to your previous life?"
"If I'm the only human on the planet I'll just have to fall on the cold hard ground and let myself die."
"The asphalt must be cold. Right?"
"I barely remember that. Yeah, I guess so. If it's too hot it's going to burn. And I'll never be able to move forward."
"You're not alone on the asphalt. Your friends will carry you."
"I don't want to be carried, I want my parents to find my corpse two weeks after I pass away alone."
"Ismael."
"I want the black, nasty body fluids to seep into the floor and shower of shit the one on the floor beneath us."
"Ismael."
"I want to go back to school just to shoot my brains in front of the teacher."
"Ismael, stop."
"I'll...I'll make public execution cool again. I'll commit suicide in front of a crowd of people so I can be mocked in death."
"Who hurt you like that?"
"Emptiness is not a dark thing. You could be empty enough to be filled with others. Their happiness and mercy."
"Then why the self-hatred?"
"Because I deserve it. I want to look at the creation of God and say that this life is not for me. The cold and dark corner has my name on it, no one has the right to take it from me. It belongs to me. Hell has a cell for me. But even in death I remained focused and conscious, and that was worse than hell, when I realized I couldn't let go. I couldn't give up if I wanted to. My body will keep going even if you cut off my head."
"Ismael. Life came to you for a reason. You have to find it."
"I deserve to shoot my brains out. If this story takes too long to finish I will seriously fucking kill myself. I want to kill myself so bad. Suicide is not talked about enough. Whoever you are, you keep talking like you know who I am. What I am. Meaning? Are you serious? You think I'm built for a family trip? Take my organs now. Throw them. Bury me when no one will go. You would collapse if you realized how bad I want to give up. The depth of my perseverence is bottomless but my will to end it is at the surface. Back at Cressenie I was thinking of ways to cut it short and quick the most cruel way possible. I wanted to have a child with Gloria just to pull the trigger as she would give birth."
"What would have that given you?"
"Peace. Silence. Satisfaction. If I can take away what was given to me then I have control over my life and actions."
"What would you do if Gloria committed suicide?"
"Forget she ever existed."
"And Theigon?"
"Tools are replacable."
"Ariana?"
"Dead already."
"Alice?"
"Too bad."
"Fern? June?"
"Filler characters."
"Genova?"
"..."
"So it's your angel?"
"Admiration is of a different language."
"What is she to you?"
"That's Genova. I don't want her anywhere close to me because I'm basically cursed. But she's...she should shine at the sun like she always did."
"What do you think she thinks of you?"
"I don't know. Hatred? She's tired of me being everywhere? At the center of every situation."
"Ask her. You used to seek her corpse. Now that she's back, you ignore her."
"What is this, middle school? "Go talk to this girl!" Give me a break. Fucking end it. Please kill me this is so unfair. School life lasted a second, I blinked and I was in a uniform, shooting civilians for honor and money."
"And if you could go back?"
"I'd spend a moment with her."
"How long?"
"A quick decade."
"Ismael. Are you going to gore yourself in front of your friends or are you going to talk to her?"
"I'll live for now. With the pain of a thousand betrayed men.Then I'll talk to her. Then I'll see what I can do."
"It's possible. For you to envision this future, it's because it is a possibility at the moment."
"Who are you, really?"
"Yael."
"How did I not recognize you?"
"One of my many powers."
"Well now you know me."
"Go talk to her. She won't kill you."
"Knowing Genova she might kill me in her sleep."
"Then wake up."