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"Um, Ran, here is a flower for you. I hope you like it."
Leo nervously rubbed his sand-covered hands on his trousers and awkwardly handed the colorful bouquet to Ran Yakumo. The tropical sun beat down on them, but Leo's face looked even redder and hotter than hers as he presented the flowers.
"Thank you, Lord Leo."
On the surface, Ran Yakumo calmly, gracefully accepted the bouquet with a polite smile, but in her heart, she was already screaming wildly like a teenager: He actively gave me flowers! He actually cares about me! I want to have hundreds of fluffy foxes with Lord Leo right now!
If Yukari Yakumo hadn't been desperately, frantically holding her back and screaming orders in the secure Shikigami mental channel, Ran Yakumo would have lunged forward with visible pink hearts in her golden eyes long ago.
Great Youkai fundamentally didn't have so many complex, human twists and turns in their romantic logic; simply knocking him out cold with a quick punch to the back of the head and happily dragging his unconscious body back to her den to mate would suffice perfectly! It was absolutely all Lady Yukari's fault for complicating things with these stupid human galgame rules.
"Master, this absolutely isn't working! My Great Fox's internal favorability meter is already completely maxed out!"
Turning back from the Gap to look at Kaguya Houraisan, who was furiously tearing up a printed strategy guide, Yukari Yakumo also felt incredibly frustrated. When exactly did her little brother raise Ran's favorability so terrifyingly high behind her back?! It was just a cheap, sandy bouquet of flowers bought from a terrified rabbit! She definitely wouldn't be like that; she wasn't reserved or easy at all!
If those annoying old hags in the room ever actually gave Yukari flowers one day, it would absolutely only mean they wanted to assassinate her, and the flowers were meant specifically for her grave!
"This isn't playing out like the steamy romance novels Patchouli writes at all!" Yukari complained.
"Actually... I have a highly advanced, alternate plan."
Seeing Kaguya about to genuinely go crazy and destroy the TV, Hatate Himekaidou raised her hand very confidently from the back of the room, adjusting her checkered skirt, indicating she had a surefire way to salvage the date.
"Don't! It's absolutely not necessary! Teacher Fourth Sister, please sit down immediately! We haven't reached that desperate point of no return yet; there's absolutely no need for you to step in!"
Momiji Inubashiri, who was sitting closest to Hatate, lunged violently like a terrified guard dog to physically pin down the Tengu's raised hand. Ours is supposed to be a pure, wholesome love novel; your specific, hardcore way of playing romance is far, far too advanced and cursed for a general audience!
Meanwhile, back in the Shikigami mental channel, Yukari Yakumo also issued a final, desperate warning.
"Ran, if you absolutely can't smoothly win over my little brother's confession today on the beach, Princess Kaguya from the primary Capture Group will quit the project in rage. Next up to direct your body will be Hatate Himekaidou, operating under her notorious doujin pen name 'Fourth Sister Lamb.' You know exactly what the terrifying consequences of her 'plotlines' are."
Ran Yakumo's physical fox body violently shuddered on the beach, dropping a seashell. The infamous pen name 'Fourth Sister Lamb' was terrifyingly known by absolutely everyone in Gensokyo's underground. Her superb drawing skills and incredibly novel, boundary-pushing ways of depicting romantic 'play' once made horrified readers feel that this teacher was a bit far from being a normal, sane Youkai.
"Lord Leo, let's peacefully rest for a while in the shade! You cook for me!"
To absolutely prevent Hatate Himekaidou from appearing and taking over the script, Ran Yakumo aggressively took the tactical initiative for the very first time. She firmly took Leo's hand, walked them quickly to a cool spot under the dense shade of a tropical palm tree, magically took out the heavy iron cooking utensils from her tail, and then sat down under the tree with her long legs hugged tightly to her chest, intensely watching Leo.
"Huh? Oh, sure, absolutely whatever you say."
Although he honestly didn't know why Ran, a terrifying Great Youkai with infinite stamina, was the absolute first to loudly say she was physically tired before he even felt a burn in his calves, Leo fully, obediently respected her opinion. He did exactly whatever she asked—mainly because he absolutely couldn't physically resist her grip anyway; he had been dragged along the sand like a helpless kite on a string the whole way here.
Fresh, massive Razor Clams and assorted shells were put into a wooden bucket of fresh water to naturally spit out their sand. Leo took out a small bowl of perfectly peeled white garlic cloves and began to rapidly, expertly mince them with a heavy cleaver to prepare the classic Gold and Silver Garlic seasoning. Today, they would have rich, garlic-steamed Razor Clams and massive garlic Scallops.
The garlic cloves had been previously, painstakingly peeled by the Fairy Swarm while they were happily playing on the main farm yesterday. Thanks to the Little Fairies for their generous culinary sponsorship.
The finely minced garlic was soaked briefly in cold water to remove some of the harsh, spicy pungency and excess starch to prevent it from burning and sticking to the hot iron pan. Then it was tightly wrapped in a clean cheesecloth and handed respectfully to Ran, who was politely asked to extend her arm and spin the cloth rapidly a few times to physically spin-dry the garlic like a centrifuge.
The raw, kinetic rotation speed of a Great Youkai was terrifying; she alone could easily rival an industrial washing machine's spin cycle. When the cloth was finally opened, the minced garlic was so perfectly, flawlessly dry that absolutely no moisture could be felt on the fingers.
Plenty of golden vegetable oil was poured generously into the heavy iron pot over the campfire. The dried garlic was added carefully while the oil was still relatively cool to prevent burning. Half of the minced garlic was fried rapidly on high heat until it turned crispy, golden brown, and floated, then quickly taken out with a slotted spoon to drain. The other, raw half was mixed thoroughly with sea salt, sugar, and a generous dash of the Night Sparrow Diner's secret, addictive seasoning blend.
The hot, garlic-infused oil from frying the first half was then poured directly, sizzling violently, over this seasoned raw half to release the aromas. Once slightly cooled, the two halves—crispy golden and fragrant raw—were mixed perfectly together, and a massive, aromatic bowl of classic Gold and Silver Garlic was ready.
"Sister, is Big Brother Leo literally cooking hot poop on the beach?"
From completely under Remilia's ornate armchair back in the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Flandre lifted her sister's frilly skirt and poked her blonde head out. Looking through the magical Gap at the cooking scene, she dramatically covered her nose with both hands in absolute disgust. The classic pop-culture rumor that ancient vampires are mortally afraid of garlic is purely a Hollywood myth, but it's absolutely true they deeply despise and avoid things with such overwhelmingly pungent, lingering smells.
Sakuya Izayoi, standing perfectly straight behind Remilia's chair, quietly swallowed her saliva, feeling a bit embarrassed. She actually... quite deeply loved eating roasted garlic. But since the strict Eldest Miss and Second Miss heavily frowned at the mere sight and smell of garlic in the mansion, she usually had to patiently wait until the Eldest Miss went into a deep sleep before sneaking out to the Night Sparrow Diner to greedily order a few skewers of whole roasted garlic. Afterward, she exhaustingly had to gargle with mint, aggressively brush her teeth three times, and completely change her maid uniform just to hide the evidence, which was quite a massive hassle.
Once the delicious minced garlic was ready, the rest of the cooking was incredibly easy. The soaked, clean Razor Clams and massive scallops were taken out of the bucket. A massive spoonful of the Gold and Silver Garlic was sautéed in the pan until fiercely fragrant, then the fresh seafood was tossed aggressively into the hot pot and stir-fried rapidly until perfectly cooked and open. A massive, steaming pot of garlic-rich, succulent Razor Clams and Scallops was done.
"Feed me~"
Ran Yakumo pointed delicately to her slightly open mouth and slowly closed her golden eyes. Her tempting, glossy red lips and submissive posture made Leo's mortal heart race exactly like a fully modified, high-speed Red Wolf tank from a Liu Tao gaming stream!
Wait. Something was wrong! Very, very wrong!
Seeing Ran's highly unusual, incredibly out-of-character behavior and tropey dialogue, Leo finally realized something was massively amiss. Pretending to casually pack up the heavy cooking utensils, he slightly raised his head and critically looked around the beach.
A camera lens aggressively reflecting the tropical sunlight on a distant hilltop. Fluffy white rabbit ears poking out of a nearby thorny thicket that hadn't been tucked down properly. A suspicious, perfectly round rock slowly, stealthily inching its way across the open sandy beach. And a massive, ominous, eye-filled Gap with cute pink ribbons tied at both ends hovering directly in the air above the tree line.
He understood. He understood absolutely everything!
These incredibly, pathetically bored-to-death ancient Youkai were actively using his private life for their reality TV amusement!
"Oh no! He found out we're watching!"
Satori Komeiji exclaimed in the Lost Home, but it was far too late. Leo had already aggressively whipped out his smartphone from his pocket, opened the server settings, and violently, permanently blacklisted absolutely everyone except Ran Yakumo from the Stardew Valley dimension for exactly three days! Better to ruthlessly kill a thousand innocent bystanders by mistake than let one single voyeur go!
Marisa, Nitori Kawashiro, Ishin Shion, and the innocent Little Fairies all tragically suffered the immediate banhammer for absolutely no reason, violently popping out of the valley and landing in the mud back in Gensokyo.
Initially, Yukari Yakumo could easily come to Stardew Valley and talk to Leo because she hadn't been formally blacklisted; it was exactly like casually chatting with a stranger on QQ—you could talk, but couldn't do much else without permissions. Now, however, their IP addresses were completely, aggressively blacklisted by the World Lord. Forget Yukari Yakumo, even the beloved Shrine Maiden Reimu couldn't force her way in!
"Lord Leo?"
The buzzing Shikigami mental channel in her head suddenly went completely, dead silent. Ran Yakumo opened her eyes in genuine confusion and saw Leo angrily putting his phone away into his pocket with a dark smirk. Being incredibly clever, she immediately understood exactly what had just happened, and her face turned a violent, burning red.
"Be good, it's okay. Open your mouth. We absolutely won't play with those bad, nosy people anymore. I've aggressively blacklisted them all from the server; absolutely no one will bother us for three whole days."
He expertly peeled a massive, juicy Razor Clam, dipped it generously in the savory garlic sauce, and held it gently to Ran's mouth with wooden chopsticks, waiting tenderly and patiently for Miss Ran to open her mouth.
"Ah~~ Lord Leo, it's incredibly delicious."
"As long as it's good. Come, I'll happily keep feeding you."
On the other side of the dimensional barrier.
Seeing the glowing Gap violently sever the connection and slam shut in her face, Yukari Yakumo was as incredibly, violently anxious and angry as a greased pig being caught by its hind legs.
Three days! Three whole, unmonitored days! For three whole days, absolutely only her dense little brother and her beautiful, vulnerable Great Fox would be left completely alone on a deserted tropical island in Stardew Valley!
With Ran's current, terrifying level of romantic submissiveness and maxed-out favorability, three days was an eternity! In three days, she could be holding a pregnant fox, or worse, a tiny half-human little fox baby!
"Oho, someone messed up the flawless strategy."
Eirin Yagokoro calmly rested her chin on her hand, sipping tea and happily watching Yukari violently jump up and down in absolute, screaming panic. If she couldn't watch the dense little brother's romance, watching Yukari Yakumo suffer a mental breakdown was perfectly fine too. After all, it's all for fun entertainment; who cares who the victim is?
(Off-topic Author's Note: Um... Assault Fire is updating tomorrow. I originally planned to take a full day off from writing to play, but the absolutely ridiculous, insane marketing for the new patch since this afternoon has made me literally laugh with anger. We'll see tomorrow. I'll go check out what's actually going on with that hyped Queen Chen Ze character. If it's no good, I absolutely won't spend any money. Even having a rare Golden War Cloud skin makes me feel inferior now with this power creep. This new version event is even more ridiculous. Taking the Queen out into a match feels exactly like being publicly cuckolded, and the slogan 'your Queen is covered by Chen Ze'—where on earth did this insane, unhinged marketing come from?! They desperately need to fire and hire some new PR experts.
Let me tell a classic, depressing Assault Fire joke. When you excitedly enter the game, hit absolutely all the expensive pity counters to finally get the Queen and the Beast God Collection, enter a grueling match with three lazy, AFK leech teammates, and painfully spend an hour and a massive bunch of premium revival coins to finish the new map carrying them, only for one teammate who isn't playing the Queen to ask faintly in chat: 'Hey buddy, how much did it actually cost you to get that Queen Chen Ze?'
Hearing this, you naturally feel deeply annoyed but know they're probably just memeing, so you swallow your pride, endure the discomfort, and reply, 'About 2888, not that expensive for a whale.'
But before you can even finish typing the word 'expensive,' the fourth teammate, an absolute leech who was AFK the entire match with the Queen character, suddenly turns on their mic: 'Ah, does this shiny thing actually cost real money? I just got it for free from the random red envelopes you whales sent in chat when you bought the Queen. Didn't spend a single cent. I don't ever spend money on this stupid game; I just leech a couple of free games every day and let my try-hard teammates do all the work.'
You are momentarily, completely speechless with rage, because screaming and cursing in voice chat will definitely get you immediately reported and banned. When you finally reach the settlement screen and see yourself in first place with a pathetic 50 GP, second place with the rare Serpent God's Spear, third place with the Serpent God's Sword, and the fourth place AFK guy getting the absolute best first-clear reward and Hu Bayi, a deep, toxic hint of bitterness spreads in your capitalist heart. You know it's time to log off and sleep.
But lying miserably in bed, you find the blanket is a bit too short. Pull it to the left, and your right foot is exposed to the cold; pull it to the right, and your left foot is exposed. You finally realize, staring at the ceiling, that your life is just going to be miserable like this forever.)