After a minute, Suo Ran's phone vibrated again. He glanced toward the kitchen counter, where he'd left it earlier, and Lian Ziho followed his gaze while finishing the last bite of food. "Your friend seems very determined to keep you occupied." Suo Ran pushed a stray piece of vegetable around his plate with his chopsticks. "He has a gift for making simple things complicated." "Perhaps he's worried you'll change your mind." "I already said I'd go." "Maybe he doesn't trust you." Suo Ran gave him a flat look before setting his chopsticks down. "He shouldn't." Lian Ziho laughed, nearly choking on his food, and reached for his glass of water. Suo Ran watched him take a sip before pushing his chair back with a quiet sigh. "I'll be right back."
He walked to the counter, picked up his phone, and opened the new message. Friend: One more thing. Bring good news about your love life. If you don't have any, make something up. I refuse to spend another birthday listening to you complain about work. Suo Ran stared at the screen, then read it again to make sure he hadn't misunderstood. His eyebrows slowly drew together. "Unbelievable." He rubbed his forehead with two fingers, wondering how a conversation about a birthday party had somehow turned into an investigation into his personal life. From the dining table, Lian Ziho called, "What happened?" "Nothing." "That didn't sound like nothing." Suo Ran began typing a reply, his thumb moving quickly across the screen. He stopped, frowned at what he'd written, and deleted the entire message. After trying again, he let out an irritated breath and locked the phone without sending anything.
Lian Ziho appeared beside him a moment later, carrying his empty glass. He placed it in the sink, then glanced at Suo Ran's expression before looking at the phone in his hand. "Did he say something about your love life?" Suo Ran turned toward him slowly. "Why would you assume that?" Lian Ziho leaned against the counter, folding his arms loosely. There was a knowing look in his eyes, though he made no effort to hide his curiosity. "You've been staring at your phone for the past minute, and whatever you read clearly wasn't about work." "Maybe I received some unpleasant news." "Judging by your expression, I'd say it's something rather personal." Suo Ran studied him for a moment, then let out a resigned sigh and held out the phone. "Here. Since you've already reached your conclusion, you might as well read it yourself."
Lian Ziho took the phone and read the message. A faint smile appeared on his face, and he glanced at Suo Ran before looking back at the screen. "Your friend seems quite concerned about your romantic prospects." Suo Ran took the phone from him and slipped it into his palm. "He's more concerned about finding something entertaining to discuss at his birthday party." "And you think your love life is an unsuitable topic?" "I think my personal life is none of his business." Suo Ran set the phone on the counter and reached for the dishes they'd left beside the sink. "Unfortunately, he has never understood the difference."
Lian Ziho accepted a plate from him and began drying it with the towel. "Perhaps he's simply curious about how you've been spending your time outside work." "He knows how I spend my time." "Does he?" Lian Ziho glanced at him, a trace of amusement returning to his expression. "Then perhaps he thinks you could use a change." Suo Ran gave him a sidelong look. "And you agree with him?" Lian Ziho considered the question briefly before placing the dry plate on the rack. "I think you should be able to enjoy yourself without having to justify it to anyone." He turned toward Suo Ran, his tone becoming lighter again. "Though I admit, I'm curious too."
Suo Ran gave him a suspicious look. "Why are you all curious about my love life?" "Because you've never mentioned what kind of person you'd want to spend your future with." Lian Ziho handed him another plate. "Have you ever thought about it?" "I have more important things to think about." "I'm sure you do. But surely you've considered it at least once. What kind of person would you like? Someone gentle, someone dependable, or someone who knows how to give you space?" Suo Ran dried the plate in his hands. "I don't have a list of requirements." "Then what matters to you? If you were going to spend your life with someone, what would you want from them?"
Suo Ran fell quiet, trying to think of an answer. Instead, his thoughts drifted to the times he'd spent with Cai Lang. They often ate together, sometimes talking about their day, sometimes simply enjoying the meal in comfortable silence. He remembered once complaining that a dish was too salty, only for Cai Lang to taste it and calmly tell him he was just being picky.
Suo Ran's hand slowed as he dried the plate. Why am I thinking about Cai Lang now? He looked down at the dish, suddenly finding it much more interesting than the conversation.Suo Ran, what are you doing? "Suo Ran?" Lian Ziho's voice brought him back. He glanced up to find Lian watching him, a towel draped over one hand and a faintly curious look on his face. "Why are you thinking so hard?" Lian ziho asked, reaching for another plate. "It's a normal question. I'm not asking you to decide your entire future tonight." "I'm not thinking hard."
Suo Ran quickly resumed drying the plate and held it out to him. Lian ziho accepted it but didn't put it on the rack right away. Instead, he looked at Suo Ran for another moment. "You've been holding that plate without moving for quite a while." Suo Ran glanced at the plate in his hands, then at Lian ziho. "I was listening to you." "Really?" Lian ziho placed the plate on the rack, hiding a small smile. "I thought I'd lost you somewhere along the way." "You talk too much." Suo Ran reached for the next dish, hoping that would finally end the conversation. "And yet you still haven't answered me."
Lian ziho nudged the dish rack into place before turning back to him. Suo Ran gave him a sideways look. "Perhaps that's because I don't owe you an answer." "Okay, I'll respect your privacy." Lian ziho raised one hand in surrender.He took the next dry plate from Suo Ran and set it neatly beside the others. "Though now I'm even more curious." "Then you'll have to remain curious." Suo Ran handed him another plate, pointedly turning his attention back to the sink.
Lian ziho placed the plate on the rack. When Suo Ran reached for the last plate, Lian Ziho took it from him before it slipped from his wet fingers. He steadied the plate with one hand, his other briefly brushing Suo Ran's wrist. "Careful. I'd rather not have you hurt yourself." "It's a plate, Lian Ziho." Suo Ran tried to take it back, but Lian ziho lifted it just out of his reach and gave him a look. "And you're you. I'd rather be careful." Suo Ran stared at him for a moment, then shook his head. "You really do know how to make a simple thing sound complicated." "Only when it's something I care about."
Lian ziho quickly put the plate on the rack and reached for the dish towel, pretending he hadn't meant anything by his words. Suo Ran simply turned back to the sink and continued washing, as if Lian ziho had said nothing unusual. Lian ziho glanced at him once, then looked away and picked up another plate. He had almost hoped Suo Ran might ask what he meant, but of course, he didn't. Lian ziho let out a quiet breath and went back to helping him with the dishes.
After they finished, Lian went to check on Jun Wei. Jun Wei was asleep on his side, hugging his stuffed toy beneath his chin. His blanket had slipped to his waist, so Lian ziho carefully pulled it back over his shoulders. Jun Wei stirred, mumbled something in his sleep, and settled again. Lian ziho watched him for a moment before leaving the room. When he returned to the living room, Suo Ran was collecting the cups from the table. "Still asleep?" Suo Ran asked. "Completely. I think he could sleep through an earthquake." "Don't give him ideas. He'll use that as an excuse to sleep through everything tomorrow." Lian ziho laughed and took the cups from him. "You worry about him a lot." "Someone has to." "I know." Lian's voice softened. "He has you." Suo Ran looked at him briefly. "And he has you too, doesn't he?" For a moment, Lian ziho didn't answer. "Of course," he finally said. "I'm not going anywhere."
At the door, Lian ziho put on his coat, but he didn't leave immediately. Suo Ran stood a few steps away, waiting for him to finish whatever thought had made him so quiet. "What now?" Suo Ran asked. "You look as though you've forgotten something." "Maybe I have." Lian ziho turned the words over in his mind before deciding to ask, "Suo Ran, have you ever liked someone?" Suo Ran's expression changed. "Why are you asking me that again?" "Because you never answered me properly." "Maybe because it's none of your business." "Then I'll stop asking." Lian ziho smiled faintly. "I just wanted to know if there's someone who makes you happy." Suo Ran frowned. "Why does that matter to you?"
It was the question Lian ziho had been trying to avoid. Because I want to be that person. Because I want to be the one you look for when something good happens, the one you turn to when the world becomes too much, the one whose presence you notice even when I'm not there. Because every time you smile at me, I have to remind myself that you smile at other people too... Instead, he lowered his gaze and adjusted his coat. "Because I know what it's like to care about someone and not know what they're thinking." Suo Ran went quiet. "You mean you've liked someone?" Lian ziho looked up.
For one foolish second, he considered telling him everything. The words were right there, waiting behind his teeth. All he had to do was let them out. But Suo Ran was looking at him with simple curiosity, not the slightest suspicion that he might be the person Lian ziho was talking about. Lian ziho smiled to hide the ache. "Something like that." "Did you tell them?" "No." "Why not?" "Because sometimes, being honest can change a relationship you aren't ready to lose." He paused, then added quietly, "And sometimes, you already know the answer. You just keep hoping you're wrong." Suo Ran's expression softened a little. "That sounds miserable." "It can be." Lian ziho gave a small laugh. "Though the person in question probably has no idea they're causing so much trouble." "Then why keep doing it to yourself?" Lian ziho looked at him for a long moment. "Because knowing someone is out of reach doesn't always make you want them any less."
The room fell quiet. Suo Ran seemed to consider that, his usual sharp reply nowhere to be found. "You make love sound like a punishment." "No." Lian ziho's smile turned gentler. "I think it's more like standing outside a house with the lights on. You can see the warmth inside. You can hear the people you care about laughing. And you know you could knock on the door, but you're afraid that once it opens, you'll discover you were never someone they wanted to invite in." He looked away before his expression could betray him. "Sometimes, staying outside feels better than losing even the little you already have."
For a moment, Suo Ran said nothing. Then he asked, "If you never knock, how will you know?" Lian ziho felt his heart tighten. "Maybe one day I'll find out." "You should. You can't spend your whole life waiting." Lian ziho smiled faintly. "That's easy for you to say." "Why?" "Because you're not the one who's afraid."Suo Ran looked as though he wanted to ask something, but in the end, he said nothing.He watched Lian Ziho with a small frown, clearly trying to understand what he meant. Lian ziho looked at him for a moment, wishing Suo Ran would figure it out. Maybe then I won't have to keep hiding my feelings. But what if he understands and stops treating me the same way? I'm not ready to lose what we already have. He turned toward the door. "Forget I said anything. It's late." "Lian Ziho." He stopped and looked back. "If you ever need to talk about it, you can tell me." Suo Ran said. He meant it, and somehow, that made it even harder for Lian ziho to smile.
Suo Ran was willing to listen to him talk about the person he loved, never realizing that the person was standing right in front of him. Lian ziho forced a small smile. "I know. That's why I haven't told you." Suo Ran frowned. "That makes no sense." "It will someday." Before Suo Ran could ask anything else, Lian stepped into the hallway and gently closed the door behind him.
At the elevator, Lian ziho finally let his smile fade. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes for a moment. He has no idea, does he? I can stand right in front of him, care about him more than I should, and he still won't see me as anything more than a friend. Maybe that's better. At least I get to stay beside him. But how long can I keep pretending that being his friend is enough?... When the elevator doors opened, Lian stepped inside. Maybe I'll tell Suo Ran the truth tomorrow. Or next week. Or someday, when I finally find the courage to risk everything we already have. But what if he never loves me back? What if, even after I tell him everything, he looks at me the same way he always does and says he only sees me as a friend? ...
These thoughts hurt more than I wanted to admit. Yet I know that even if Suo Ran never returns my feelings, I'll probably still answer whenever he calls. I'll still visit, help with Jun Wei, and remember the little things Suo Ran forgets he has told me. I'll still find reasons to stay a little longer, even when every goodbye reminds me that I have no right to ask for more. How am I supposed to stop caring just because he doesn't feel the same way? How do I walk away from someone I don't want to lose, even when staying hurts? Some feelings don't disappear just because they have nowhere to go. And sometimes, being allowed to stay in someone's life, even as nothing more than a friend, feels better than losing them completely. Lian ziho stared at his reflection in the elevator doors. "Just once," he murmured, too quietly for anyone to hear. "I'd like to know what it feels like to be the person you choose." The doors opened.
Suo Ran stayed by the door for a moment after Lian Ziho left, his hand still resting on the doorknob. He could hear the sound of the elevator moving away, and then the hallway fell silent.He lowered his head and remembering Lian's words. "Sometimes, staying outside feels better than losing even the little you already have." Suo Ran slowly let go of the doorknob and leaned against the door. "You idiot," he murmured, but there was no anger in his voice. "Why do you always make things so difficult for yourself?"
He fell quiet, then gave a small, helpless laugh. "I thought I was imagining things," he whispered. "I thought I was reading too much into your actions, that maybe you were just being kind." He looked toward the empty hallway. "But maybe I only pretended not to understand because I was afraid to ask." He remembered how Lian ziho always found reasons to stay longer, how he remembered even the smallest things Suo Ran said, and how he sometimes looked at him when he thought Suo Ran wasn't watching. Suo Ran had noticed all of it, but he had never asked what it meant. "So it really was me," he murmured. "The person you were afraid of losing." His fingers curled slightly. "You can face trouble so easily, yet when it comes to your own heart, you can't even say what you want."
Suo Ran stared at his reflection in mirror. "The saddest part is that I probably would have figured it out even if you had never said a word. I just didn't know what to do about it." He lowered his eyes. "I don't want you to keep standing outside my life, Lian ziho. You're already in it. You've been there for a long time." He paused before continuing, "But I can't open a door for you when I know you're hoping to find something I can't give you." He closed his eyes for seconds then opened."Sometimes, I wonder if being important to someone is crueler than being forgotten," Suo Ran said softly. "When someone forgets you, at least you can leave without worrying about hurting them. But when someone cares about you this much…" He stopped and pressed his lips together. "Even the smallest kindness can become something they hold on to."
He closed his eyes briefly. I don't want you to mistake my kindness for a promise, but I don't want you to think I want you gone, either. How can I keep you close without making you hope for something more?... After a long silence, Suo Ran looked at the closed door. "I won't force you to say anything you're not ready to say," he murmured. "But don't think your feelings mean nothing to me just because I can't return them." He reached for the light switch, then stopped. "Lian Ziho, you fool," he whispered. "You keep worrying that telling me the truth will make you lose me. But have you ever thought about how painful it is to watch someone you care about suffer in silence just to keep you from having to choose?" He stood quietly for a moment, still looking at the door.With a quiet sigh, Suo Ran switched off the light and walked into the dark room.
Meanwhile, Lian Ziho sat in his parked car, staring at his phone. He had been sitting there for several minutes, but he still couldn't bring himself to start the car. His mind kept going back to the conversation with Suo Ran and the words he had said before leaving. "Sometimes, staying outside feels better than losing even the little you already have."
Lian ziho gave a bitter laugh.I'm not afraid of staying away, Suo Ran. I'm afraid that if I get any closer, you'll want me to leave.
He leaned back against his seat and closed his eyes. Suo Ran had listened to him tonight without forcing him to explain himself. You were only being yourself. I'm the one who kept hoping your kindness meant something more...Lian ziho picked up his phone and opened their chat. Their messages were ordinary, just the usual things they had shared over the years. He stared at the screen for a while before tapping the message box.He typed, The person I was talking about earlier was you.
His thumb stopped above the screen. The words looked so simple, yet sending them felt impossible. He imagined Suo Ran reading the message and slowly realizing what Lian had been hiding. Then he imagined the silence that might follow and how Suo Ran might start choosing his words more carefully around him. Lian ziho's chest tightened. He couldn't bear the thought of their friendship changing because of his feelings. After a moment, he deleted the message. "Coward!"he muttered, leaning back against the seat. He closed his eyes, trying to quiet the ache in his chest, but a sudden flash of headlights made him open them again. Everything happened too quickly. The sharp sound of a horn cut through the night, followed by the violent impact that threw him forward. His phone slipped from his hand as the car jolted to a stop.
For a few seconds, he couldn't understand what had happened. His body hurt, and his head throbbed as he slowly lifted it. A cut on his forehead was bleeding, and blood ran down the side of his face. His shoulder hurt from hitting the car door, and even moving made him wince. He touched his forehead and looked at the blood on his fingers, feeling a little dizzy. "Damn it..." he muttered, trying to sit up straight. His phone lay near the passenger seat, its screen cracked from the impact. He reached for it but stopped when pain shot through his arm. His vision blurred, and the familiar image of Suo Ran appeared in his mind. He remembered an evening when they had spent hours talking.
When Suo Ran finally woke up, he had rubbed his eyes and asked, "Why didn't you go home?" "Because you'd be bored without me," Lian ziho had replied with a grin. Suo Ran had rolled his eyes. "Don't flatter yourself." They had laughed, and the moment had passed as easily as any other.
Lian gave a weak laugh, but it soon turned into a wince as his head started hurting again. He pressed his hand against his forehead and leaned back, waiting for the dizziness to pass. Seriously? I'm sitting outside his building, trying to confess my feelings, and now this happens... He sighed and looked down at his phone, which had fallen near the passenger seat. He reached for it, but his head started spinning, so he stopped and took a moment before trying again.
"I don't need you to love me," Lian Ziho whispered. He shook his head with a sad smile. That's not true. Of course I want you to love me. I want to be the person you look for first, the one you want to spend time with, the one who matters most to you. He held his phone tighter, but the pain in his injured hand made him loosen his grip. His head still hurt, and blood was running down his forehead. He wiped it away with his sleeve and leaned back, closing his eyes as the room began to spin again. I know you don't feel the same way. I'm not blaming you for that. But knowing it doesn't make me stop wanting you. His eyes grew wet, and he quickly wiped away his tears. Then he let out a small, bitter laugh. "Look at you. You can't even send one message." He looked down at his phone and opened their chat again. After staring at Suo Ran's name for a moment, he began to type, Suo Ran, there's something I haven't told you. The person I was talking about earlier was you. You're the one I'm afraid of losing.