I somehow got roped into helping Sairaorg with his training as a yuru-kyara, and the first step was changing clothes.
Back then, I still thought, Well, as long as it's just a costume head, it should be fine... Ah, how naive I was... (distant gaze)
The head was fine. The problem was the rest of the outfit. See, a yuru-kyara costume obviously comes with full-body clothing too, but this one was a problem.
It had a cute little pair of devil wings on the back and was basically a short-pants version of Super Mario's overalls... with no inner layer. That's right. No inner layer, which meant the back was practically exposed. On top of that, Sairaorg's ridiculously muscular arms and legs were spilling out everywhere, radiating a kind of intense pressure that defeated the whole purpose of "soft and cuddly."
I always thought yuru-kyara costumes were supposed to cover as much skin as possible so that anyone could wear them without it affecting the appearance. Maybe I was wrong? Either way, I'm definitely bringing this up with Misla when we're done.
And now that I think about how I'm dressed exactly the same as the overly enthusiastic Sairaorg standing in front of me... my soul is already starting to leave my body. I feel like I could just float into the role of a "laid-back character" right now...
Um, Sairaorg-san... Does "Bapple-kun" actually talk? Or does he just make sounds or something?
I, dressed as the smirking version of Bapple-kun, asked Sairaorg, wearing the standard smiling Bapple-kun head.
Since I agreed to do this, I figured I should give proper advice where I can... Otherwise, this half-naked muscle-bound character might end up running wild around the Bael territory in the near future.
Later, when Misla heard my advice, she modified the ridiculously tight shorts to be only slightly less tight, reducing them to a quarter-size fit. I don't even know what to say about that undying obsession with exposure...
Hmm? You mean a yuru-kyara needs to have that much character detail?
Yes, absolutely. If different people take on the role, but the character doesn't have a consistent personality, even kids won't know how to interact with them. It's good to define traits like personality and special abilities.
I see! That makes sense! Well then, let's move! I'll show you our training ground!
Oh no... movement? If possible, I'd really like to take off this ridiculous Bapple-kun costume first... But since it's a training ground, hopefully there won't be anyone around.
Half-resigned to my fate, I joined Misla and Sairaorg in a teleportation spell. We arrived in a space identical to the one Rias-senpai had received for her training grounds. There, Sairaorg's retainers were already in the middle of their own practice.
No way. I really didn't want to meet anyone like this! I'd seen Sairaorg's retainers before briefly at the TV station, but is this going to count as our formal introduction!?
As Misla and the two Bapple-kuns appeared, everyone paused their training and gathered around us.
Misla-sama! We didn't expect you to visit us out here... Wait, could it be? Are you with Lord Sairaorg and... Ikki-sama?
Indeed. I'm learning about yuru-kyara from Arima Ikki. We're just about to fight.
Sairaorg nodded confidently, arms folded.
Fight? No one told me about fighting!
Queesha-san looked at me with a very complicated expression, and all I could do was turn away and exude silent melancholy. Fortunately, she seemed to understand and looked at me with a gaze full of sympathy.
So you're the group's voice of reason, huh? (Though I guess I can't count on you for snappy comebacks.)
And so, still dressed as Bapple-kun, I introduced myself to Sairaorg's retainers, and then the two Bapple-kuns moved to the center of the field, both surrounded by visible white fighting auras, preparing to face off.
By this point, I'd reached a kind of inner calm. Honestly, I might've been close to achieving enlightenment.
...Okay, first things first, how about you stop standing there with your arms folded like a boss?
You seriously can't be striking that kind of pose with those biceps! It's way too intimidating!
Hmm? ...I see. So even our gestures have to be carefully considered. The path of the yuru-kyara is tougher than I imagined!
Now that we were both in position again, I couldn't help but wonder, what exactly am I supposed to teach him?
yuru-kyara shouldn't need combat ability... but maybe, just maybe, there's something only visible through battle...
And besides, the Bapple-kun in front of me was radiating a weirdly cheerful vibe alongside his aura. I couldn't just shut him down. If this were a real enemy, I could just punch him out and be done with it... But somehow, people with good intentions are way harder for me to deal with.
Alright! Here I come, Bapple-kun!!
Sairaorg charged in with a fierce step that cracked the ground, throwing a lightning-fast right straight punch.
Definitely not something a yuru-kyara should be throwing! The ground where I dodged got gouged out for nearly 100 meters from the shockwave!
Sairaorg-san, no, Bapple-kun! Let's start with Lesson 1: Dialogue! You're a yuru-kyara now, so your lines need to be softer! Instead of "Alright! Here I come!!" it should be more like "Okaaay~! Leeeet's gooo~!" You've got to kill the warrior vibe and crank up the fluff!
To his credit, he took my feedback seriously, even if a bit flustered.
Uh... okaaay~! Let's gooo~!
Too quiet! I'm not asking you to shout from your diaphragm, but try to project like you're speaking through a megaphone! Also, the ending should be more "~" than "!!", you're going for cheerful, not intense!
Okaaay~! Leeeet's gooo~
Much better! Your voice is still stiff, but we'll work on loosening that up next!
Yes, this whole conversation was happening mid-fight.
Honestly, I was getting into a weird mood myself. But if I didn't, I wasn't going to survive the absurdity of watching two yuru-kyara beat the crap out of each other.
Next! Lesson 2: Body Movement! Heroes can take hits and counterattack, but yuru-kyara aren't supposed to fight! If you absolutely have to, focus on dodging with acrobatic flair! Make it entertaining! You're probably immune to most attacks, but imagine a kid seeing a yuru-kyara getting punched, how do you think they'd feel?
I dodged a sharp kick with a backflip, and then avoided a flurry of punches with a graceful weave and sidestep. I wasn't exactly confident, but I tried to make it look easy.
I see. So yuru-kyara are symbols of nonviolence? We must avoid harm whenever possible!
Exactly! So, Lesson 3: Even if you have to subdue an opponent, aim to knock them out without causing injuries! No face punches! A yuru-kyara throwing a face punch is a total no-go!
What!?
Faces bruise and bleed easily. Imagine blood all over Bapple-kun's white gloves, could you still pat a kid's head with those? Or worse, if you punch someone in the gut and they spew blood onto Bapple-kun's face... could you still look kids in the eye without terrifying them? That's why you need to hold back!
You've got to judge the opponent's strength and pull your punches just right to avoid any bloodshed!
In the end, I spent nearly the entire day sparring with Sairaorg.
We both had solid stamina, so except for lunch and the apple pie Misla brought during snack time, we were basically just beating each other up non-stop.
Every time my sanity started to slip, I forced it back into place, and the two glowing white Bapple-kuns clashed, sometimes on the ground, sometimes in midair.
As the sun set over the battlefield, Sairaorg's retainers, having watched our acrobatic yuru-kyara martial arts performance all day, were muttering things like "Such power... yet so beautiful," clearly having lost their grip on reality.
I'd been using this rare opportunity to also test a theory, one that might help offset my notorious lack of attack power. So I'd been sneakily practicing that on the side too.
Now, after washing off the sweat, we were finally enjoying the dinner that had been prepared for us.
To think I would spend an entire day trading blows with you... That was a first for me. But through that fight, I realized I still have room to improve my technique. Despite our equal strength, only my Bapple-kun outfit got shredded. I failed to protect what could become the face of the Bael territory. From now on, I'll occasionally spar with my retainers as Bapple-kun... It'll be good evasion training!
...Sairaorg's retainers, I wish you strength. Bapple-kun is coming for you.
Later, back at home, I practically threw myself into Kuroka's arms.
After a full day of brawling as Bapple-kun, my spirit was in desperate need of healing.
Nya~haha, never thought I'd see you come home like this, Ikki... What happened out there, nya?
As expected of the Great King's family... I suppose.
A den of madness?
Also, for a while after that, every time I looked at the apples I got as souvenirs... I had flashbacks of Bapple-kun punching me. They didn't taste that great anymore.
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Note:yuru-kyara – Japanese term for a regional or mascot character, usually cute, designed to promote areas, events, or organizations.