I had no dreams.
I heard my alarm this morning. My mother came in and woke me up. I wish she hadn't.
I got up this morning. I brushed my teeth and did my hair. I packed my bag and ate my fair share.
I heard him again. His footsteps were more rushed today. He came in and he looked very happy.
"Your brother got selected by the country to represent us in the Coal Cup! Isn't it great?! We're going out to celebrate so come straight home after school ok?"
He spoke fast, as if the words would dissappear if he didnt. He was grinning from ear to ear, and his words were full of pride. A pride thats never for me.
I grinned right back at him. I agreed with an exited tone. I grabed my bag and ran out to the living room.
My brother looked up when he saw me. This was the earliest he'd ever woken up in his life. When his eyes met mine they were full of hope and happiness.
He talked on and on about it. And i listened about it. He smiled and smiled, so i did the same. I should be happy for him. I want to. But its been so long i dont even remember how it feels to be happy anymore.
So i smile. I tilt my lips up in that familiar way, and scrunch up my eyes in the corners. Pull him into a hug and ruffle his hair. Tell him im proud and tease him.
This girl is wierd. Her voice is so sweet. Her tone is so light. Her excitement is so bright. Shes too much, she rots me with her voice and her words are hollow to me.
He doesn't know that. I wouldn't know either. The way she held herself so perfectly loose, the way she moved like she was as light as a feather. It was so convincing.
I wonder if your convinced too? Shes so happy. Are you happy too? Or is that face a mask between two worlds that shall never meet?
I finally pull away from my brother and go to school. My head is spinning. It hurts so much. Everything is blurry.
I watched this girl. She sat at her desk all day. She was all alone. Her 3 friends didnt show up. Two of them had band. And the third was sick.
She didnt talk to anyone. Not even the teachers. She had this look in her eyes. Or more accurately, nothing. She looked like a doll, and ugly, empty eyed doll.
I dont remember what else happened at school. Or maybe i simply dont want to tell you.
My brother was already in the living room. My sister was next to him. They were laughing so hard. They look hysterical. I wish i could shut them up.
My parents were there too. My mothers on the phone again. Shes telling her own sister about how great her son is.
My father was looking at me. He was smilling. I smiled back as he told me to change fast so we can go. My sister told me to wear a dress because we have to look nice for the pictures.
Can she be quiet? Why does everyone have opinions on my body? Shes always in my head, breaking me to pieces. And with that stupid sweet tone and big innocent eyes. Imagine a room without those words. Heaven.
I wanted to scream. The girl had other plans.
She grinned at her sister. Said she'd wear the most dazzling dress for the most dazzling day to celebrate her most dazzling prince charming.
Her sister giggled. Her brother rolled her eyes, but there was no denying the slight smirk at the corner of his lips. She smiled at him. That stupid lopsided thing.
I watched as the girl went to her room. She took out a long red dress with big belle sleeves and a low cut. Its hideous. She looks so small in that huge thing.
I watch as she fixes the sleeves, making sure the faint red lines on her left forearm are hidden from view. I wonder where she got that from? She didn't have any red pens today.
She does her hair, short black waves stick up in every direction. No matter how hard she tries she doesn't look as pretty as the other girls her age.
By the time I leave my room their already in the car. I take a deep breath. Time to start the show.
I get into the car and the first thing i notice is my mother. Shes looking at me. "Its so nice to see you finally dressing like a girl! You look so much better in a dress i never understood why you liked those huge shirts anyway."
That lady's voice sounds like nails on a chalk board. Her every word like a needle in my skin. How would she feel if i returned the favour?
But thats not what happened. It never is. Instead i watched the girl smile and thank her mother for the compliment. She pretends she didnt hear the last part. What a thick skinned coward.
I watched the girl the rest of the night. Watched as she listened to everyone talk in the car the whole ride. Watched as she faded into the background. Watched them talk over her like furniture.
I saw how she relaxed when they finally arrived at the restaurant. The way her shoulders relaxed when she no longer had to be shoulder to shoulder with those people.
The rest of the night she played ghost. She sat at the tabble of familiar faces as they all talked and laughed. Her lips were curved up in a soft smile. She laughed when everyone laughed. She was the perfect pawn.
They took pictures too. Her mother holding my sisters hand, my fathers arm around my brothers shoulder. And the girl stood to the side. She was in the frame, but not apart of the picture. Not really.
By the time we finally got home, it was midnight. I took off the hideous dress and changed into loose black shirt. There were still faint red lines on my left forearm.
How annoying. Ill have to do something about that ink. Maybe in the morning. Im tiered.
I watched as the girl got into her bed and hid under her covers. Probably writing that stupid diary again.
She stays awake till one am. Again.
I finally put down my phone and got up to put my phone on charge. I stayed up too late again. I'll be tired in the morning, again.
I put my phone on charge when i notice a bit of blue paint on my hand. Weird. Where did that come from?
I looked up, and one of the paintings has changed. The cat in the lake has a shadow now. The water is no longer just a flat blue, it has multiple shades.
I dont remember doing that. But then again, theres a lot i dont remeber.
I turn my head away and laid back down again. I slept with a faint headache that day.