Cheng Xu was panicking so hard he was practically vibrating. He paced back and forth in the main hall of the county yamen, his boots clattering frantically against the stone floor.
His great-grandmother's ghostly visage was everywhere.
One moment her smiling face was beckoning him from the doorway. The next, she was waving from the window. Then she was peeking out from behind a decorative screen, or sitting casually in the County Magistrate's high-backed chair. At one point, he swore he saw a dozen great-grandmothers holding hands, spinning through the air around him in a spectral carousel.
It was an absolute Great-Grandmother Apocalypse!
"My sweet great-grandson, Grandma loves you most of all. Why don't you come down to the underworld and keep me company?"
Just as he was about to collapse from the sheer psychological weight of the haunting, a man burst through the front gates. The newcomer sprinted right through the apparition at the door and skidded to a halt in front of Cheng Xu.
It was the Deputy Patrol Officer, Cheng's most trusted lackey. The man's face was beaming.
"Boss! Boss! Good news!"
Cheng Xu stared at him blankly.
"Good news? What news could possibly save me now? I've got ten versions of my dead grandma on their way to pick me up for an eternal playdate."
"Boss, listen! The mountain hunters just brought word. Wang Er's rebel army took a massive beating! Zheng Yanfu and Zhong Guangdao are dead, and Wang Er himself is critically wounded."
Cheng Xu's spirit surged.
The dozen spectral grandmothers surrounding him were instantly blasted away by the shockwave of his excitement, flying into the distance like popped balloons.
"Wait, what? What happened? Give me the details, man!"
"Two nights ago, Wang Er led a night raid on Gao Village," the Deputy explained, breathless. "But the villagers were ready for him. Under the command of Mr. Bai Yuan, the drillmaster from the Bai Family Fort, the village militia ambushed them. They cut down the lieutenants, nearly killed Wang Er, and scattered the rest. Now, Wang Er is hiding in the mountains with barely a hundred men left. The other local rebel groups are so terrified they've stopped all their operations. They're shaking in their boots!"
Now, this report was hilariously inaccurate.
If anyone from Gao Village had heard it, they would have laughed until their lungs gave out.
But the misinformation wasn't an accident; it was a deliberate move.
After Wang Er had retreated, he feared his connection to the village would lead the government to retaliate against the innocent people there. To protect them, he intentionally spread rumors that he had been "repelled" by the village's military might. He also wanted to save the honor of his fallen brothers, ensuring that Zheng Yanfu and Zhong Guangdao died as "heroes" in battle rather than being remembered as traitors who turned on their leader.
He had protected everyone, except himself.
By claiming he was crippled and down to his last hundred men, he had turned himself into a wounded animal.
And as the saying goes: when the tiger is down, even the mangy dogs come out to play.
Cheng Xu wasn't about to miss an opportunity like this.
He stood tall, hands on his hips, and let out a thunderous, triumphant laugh.
"Hahaha! Perfect! A godsend! Quickly, gather the troops! We march to finish off Wang Er immediately. We have three days before that new Donglin Party Magistrate arrives. If we can crush the rebellion before he steps foot in this county, I can turn this disaster around!"
"I'll write a memorial to the throne," Cheng Xu continued, his mind racing with schemes. "I'll blame the whole uprising on that dead idiot Zhang Yaocai. I'll say I, Cheng Xu, have been working tirelessly to clean up his mess and suppress the bandits. If I play this right, I might actually walk away from this death trap with a promotion!"
The grandmother at the door vanished.
The blurry smile at the window faded.
The dozen flying grandmothers dissolved into pure, shimmering light.
Do you believe in the Light?
Accompanied by an imaginary heroic soundtrack, the Ninth-Rank Patrol Officer Cheng Xu was fully restored to max health and spirit. He transformed from a shivering coward into a bold hero of the state.
He was ready to strike.
Back in Gao Village, the morning was as peaceful and harmonious as ever.
The "Labor Reform" prisoners had been released from the heavenly hand's grip and were busy boiling their breakfast. A day of hard labor always started with a full stomach here, a concept so alien that if word got out, the commoners in other villages would probably cry tears of pure envy.
Near the "Learning Well," a group of children finished their morning exercises and prepared for class.
Mr. Wang was holding his copy of the Hundred Family Surnames, ready to drill the kids on "Zhao, Qian, Sun, Li, Zhou, Wu, Zheng, Wang."
Before he could start, however, Gao Yiye stood up with a look of solemn importance.
"Teacher, the Tianzun has issued a divine decree."
Mr. Wang immediately snapped to a respectful stance. He had lived in Gao Village long enough to witness several miracles firsthand. He was now a devout follower of the Dao Xuan Tianzun faith, though as a proper scholar, he adhered to the principle of "the Master does not speak of the uncanny." He believed in his heart; he just didn't brag about it with his mouth.
"What is the Tianzun's decree? I am all ears."
"The Tianzun says He has a celestial method that will help the children learn to read and write much faster," Gao Yiye explained. "It will help them master the exact pronunciation of every character."
Mr. Wang's eyes lit up.
"A celestial method!"
Don't just teach the kids, teach me too! he thought frantically.
"The Tianzun says it is best to teach this method to you first, Mr. Wang, so that you may then pass it on to the children."
Mr. Wang was so excited he was practically vibrating. He looked like a monkey about to start jumping for joy.
"Wonderful! Simply wonderful! As a... ahem... as a scholar of the Way, I have vowed to continue the lost teachings of the ancient sages. I will exert every ounce of my effort to master this celestial method and pass it down through the generations."
"Then listen well," Gao Yiye said.
"This method is called: Hanyu Pinyin."
Mr. Wang nodded sagely.
"Just the name alone sounds like it's dripping with immortal grace."
Up in the "heavens," Li Dao Xuan watched as Gao Yiye and Mr. Wang began to puzzle over the Latin alphabet and phonetics. A small, wry smile crossed his lips.
Scholars like Mr. Wang, old-fashioned, slightly pedantic Ming literati, were usually incredibly difficult to deal with. Trying to shove new ideas or modern knowledge down their throats was usually a losing battle.
But the moment you slapped a "Celestial Method" label on it, they became the most eager students in the world.
It was a bit tragic, really.
He had to resort to playing god just to get them to accept basic educational reforms.
Just then, the sound of tiny, agitated voices caught his attention. He shifted his magnifying glass.
Someone was approaching the village.
It was a familiar face: Patrol Officer Cheng Xu.
The last time Cheng Xu had visited, Gao Village was surrounded by those bright, multi-colored LEGO walls. The population had been small, and the people were timid. Li Dao Xuan hadn't wanted any trouble back then, so he had simply used a bit of "sorcery," moving some furniture around, to scare the man off.
But today, Gao Village was a different beast entirely.
There was no need for cheap ghost tricks.
He sat back, curious to see how San Shier would handle the situation.
Cheng Xu approached the village with his heart in his throat. The last time he was here, he nearly became a ghost's lunch. He hadn't dared to come within a mile of the place for months.
But it was early morning now. He had never heard of a ghost that was bold enough to haunt people during the day.
Steeling his nerves, he led his hundred soldiers to the gates of the fort.
He looked up and blinked.
The place had changed again.
Last time, the walls were two zhang high and painted in those ridiculous, "unprofessional" colors. Now, they were three zhang high, made of solid stone, and looked like a proper fortress.
To hell with my mother, he thought. This place is definitely weird.
San Shier's face appeared over the battlements. He waved down at Cheng Xu with a wide, friendly grin.
"Ah! Inspector Cheng! It has been far too long. I have missed you dearly! Please, wait a moment, I'm coming down to greet you personally!"
As San Shier hurried down the stairs, he hissed a quick order to a nearby servant:
"Quickly! Notify all the villagers! Tell them to hide the armor immediately!"