"I think so? Killing Umbridge is good because she deserves it but those girls didn't deserve it because they were kids? Sirius said that I'm 'emotionally stunted' and need help figuring out the difference between an okay murder and a not okay murder."
"The main difference here, I would say, is that it's one thing to murder an adult who is abusing her position of power to torture students and another thing entirely to murder a kid - or torture them," he added quickly as Harry opened his mouth to defend himself. " - When they are being bullies, but not torturing people. Also, those girls were people Luna specifically asked you to leave alone. You deliberately went against what she asked you to do."
"That's what Sirius said."
"Then I think you should listen to your parents and us for once, mate. Look, the girls are a bit sticky about violence, so you really need to apologize for that. I'm not going to blame you for feeling those thoughts - I wanted to hurt them too, and I did hex them a few times - but you need to listen to us when we tell you what the limit is. You need to learn how to communicate. You need to trust us, please." Harry frowned and contemplated his friend's words. It mirrored what Luna had angrily yelled at him in the library. What Sirius had tried to impart.
Shame flooded him. He was a bad friend. He knew Luna was nonviolent, she was a vegetarian, for Merlin's sake, and he had ignored that because he was angry that she had elected to do nothing about it. But no - Sirius had promised that he was not, as long as he apologized and did better. He wanted to do better, and he hoped he could convey that to his friends. It was really hard to ignore the part of his head foaming at the thought of murder, however.
And the question of whether or not he should tell them about it, that his continued use of necromancy was giving him violent thoughts - thoughts he couldn't control because his mind was a mess and he was a hormonal teenager with no impulse control. What if they didn't like him anymore? What if he finally reached the stage where it all became too much?
He thought back to when he'd grown nervous to commit the sacrifice in front of them at Yule. Even after they found out and became interested in learning more about necromancy, there was always that thought lingering there that his friends would change their minds.
"I'm scared to trust you," he admitted, twisting his shirt in his hands to calm himself. The words clung to the inside of his throat like tar, but he forced them through anyhow. "I know it was wrong, but that's who I am. I lied because I didn't want Luna or any of you to find out - but that's my first instinct - to remove the problem and get revenge. And now that you've found out, you all hate me!" He choked back a sob, and his throat was too full of dread and mucus that he couldn't breathe.
Ron reached over and punched him lightly on his shoulder.
"We don't hate you, Harry. I promise. Like I said, I don't blame you for feeling like that. We've all seen you go full necromancer. I know you've hurt people. I was with you in the Chamber of Secrets, you can be terrifying."
"But you haven't seen it all!" Harry insisted. "You don't know the worst of it. I've been hiding it from you!"
"Did you enjoy hurting those girls?" Ron asked him gently. "Are you going to start hurting people for fun?"
"I thought they deserved it and it turns out the Cruciatus makes you high off your own power, so yes I did enjoy it," he admitted. "It was also terrifying though, and you saw how it made me sick. Mama made me swear to never use it again, and I don't want to. I regret doing it. I have no interest in hurting people for fun. I don't usually like killing. It's just a thing that happens - I don't feel bad about it, either."
"Also," Harry continued. As terrifying as it was, it was best he get all of this out of the open now. He had already ruined things, a part of him was resigned to the fact that no matter what Ron said, his friends would abandon him anyway. "Um, mama said that I'm reaching the point where because I've done so much Dark magic and I'm starting puberty, I've basically lost my impulse control. Which was already bad, but is now basically non-existent. And for some reason, my mind won't let me practice occlumency, which is the usual fix. So now I keep getting random thoughts about cursing people and sometimes it's all I can think about. So actually, I am a really terrible person and you should probably all hate me anyway."
"I'm not going to hate you, alright. Calm down," Ron rested his head against Harry's as the boy settled from his spontaneous word vomit. "Okay, so you're saying you're going through necromancer puberty alongside being 'emotionally stunted' which gives you the urge to perform unnecessary violence. But, you don't like to do it, and despite all that, you don't want to go around crucio -ing random people?"
"Yeah, basically. It's mostly when I get angry, I get angry a lot. Like Malfoy has been getting on my nerves, I can't stop thinking about hexing him."
"Okay, well this sounds like something we should have Hermione research, but I reckon it's treatable. Nothing you've said makes me think you're a… what was the muggle word… psychopath? It's still not gonna scare me away, sorry Harry. You do need to apologize to Luna though, you were still an arse for disrespecting her."
"I know, I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I'll do better, I promise. Will you be mad if I still kill Umbridge? I don't want Luna to get blamed for everything."
They returned their focus to the group of students who were politely ignoring their secret conversation because Harry had brought them Dittany to heal their wounds. Ron sighed. One of the first years was sniffling as another student gently wrapped her healing wound. Lee Jordan, who had thrown a fit about his locks being cut off for being "unprofessional" solemnly held out his hand to photograph the words I will not behave like a thug.
"I'll help you," he decided. "To make sure things are above board."
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