The next days were like some sort of wrong reconstruction of my body. My body was moving, but my spirit was left behind. I was bursting into tears every time I opened my eyes. Every bit of the apartment was reminding me of him.
His laugh. His warmth. His infuriating jokes. His voice telling me not to worry. His hand brushing my hair behind my ear.
Every single memory was like a fiery knife stabbing me.
When I got the chance to stand, my legs were shaking like little deer for the first time. I went out. The sky was too blue for a world without him.
Pearl was a shadow of me and she kept following me everywhere. "Amane, don't do this to yourself. You are not ready to be out yet."
"I don't care," I muttered and refused to stop.
I found myself at the training ground, my eyes fixed on the row of wooden swords against the wall. Soldiers were practicing nearby. The sound of the steel clashing was the only thing I could hear inside and I felt like they were Akira's sounds.
Pearl caught hold of my wrist. "No... Akira would never want this for you."
I yanked my wrist out of her grasp abruptly.
"Akira is no longer here to want anything."
Those words shattered my heart when I uttered them.
I took a sword. My hand was trembling heavily as I held the sword. My arms were still weak due to the coma. My lungs were hurting every time I took a breath. But the pain didn't matter.
Nothing else mattered except the hollow inside me that was screaming.
I raised the sword.
I brought it down.
My muscles cried out. I swung again. My eyes were on fire. I swung again. My heart was bleeding.
Pearl came running to me. "Amane, STOP! You are going to injure yourself!"
"I AM ALREADY INJURED!" I yelled, tears falling on the ground.
"I already lost him! I already died with him! So what difference does it make now?!
She reacted as if I had hit her.
"You are not thinking rationally—"
"Then let me stay crazy," I murmured. "Because being sane doesn't bring him back either."
I continued my practice until the sword fell from my hand.
I collapsed on the floor, my chest rising and falling rapidly with heavy breaths, sobbing wildly.
"Every moment..." My voice was broken.
"Every... single... moment... I miss him."
Pearl came down on her knees beside me, but this time she didn't touch me. She just stayed there, letting me fall apart in pieces of silence.
And I did.
Once again.
Once again.
When it got dark, I was walking back by myself. The wind was so cold that it could cut through the bones. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked at the sky.
"Akira..." My voice was shaking when I spoke to the darkness. "What am I supposed to do without you?"
I wasn't expecting a reply.
But some voice inside me did whisper back.
Become stronger. Become someone who is able to survive this world. Become what he saw in you.
The following day, I was back at the field.
Pearl was in front of me blocking the way. "Amane, no. I won't allow you to ruin yourself this way."
"You can't."
"I can. I will." Her voice was full of anger and fear. "Akira died to save you. And you want to run headlong into the same fire he saved you from? NO."
I stared straight into her eyes.
"I wasn't strong enough to save him," I said with a low voice. "But I will be strong enough to save someone else."
Pearl moved away as if she didn't know me.
I went beyond her.
I took the sword.
And I practiced until my hands were covered with blood.
Every tear that slipped down to the ground was for a memory.
The way Akira put me under his coat in winter.
The way he whispered goodnight.
The way he looked at me that very last moment before the bullet hit him.
The pain made me sharper.
The sorrow pushed me.
The love broke me and put me together again in the same heartbeat.
I was not becoming a warrior for pride. Or glory. Or revenge.
I was becoming one because it was the only way I could keep breathing without him.
Because I wanted to be the one he always thought I could be.
Because what if the world did tear him away from me…
I refused to let it tear away the pieces of me he helped create.
So, I kept on with my sword.
Over and over again.
Even when Pearl sobbing told me to stop.
Even when my body was shaking.
Even when the moon was there instead of the sun.
Until I couldn't talk anymore and I did so into the cold night air.
"Akira… I'm still here."
My tears fell to the earth.
"But I don't know how long I can survive without you."
The wind took my words away.
But I kept on with my training.
Because if I stopped it would mean sinking.
And sinking would mean not coming back ever.
I couldn't lose myself as well.
Not after having lost him.