Getting the pit viper's body into my item box was, surprisingly, the easiest part. Lies, it wasn't. I have been struggling pushing in my item box, then shiro must have seen my struggling. He helped me.
Shiro had frozen it solid, making the thing about as heavy as a frosty log. With a few muttered words and some creative stacking, the entire serpentine mountain slid neatly into storage.
I still had no idea how spatial storage worked. I just accepted that my magic box currently contained a creature longer than a city street and moved on.
"Let's take it to the guild," I said, dusting off my hands. "Maybe they can butcher it properly."
Tweety's feathers gleamed faintly in the morning sun.
"An excellent idea. I expect the liver and heart to be preserved for roasting."
Shiro nodded.
"And the ribs."
I sighed.
"You two are like food critics on legs."
"Wings," Tweety corrected.
"Paws," Shiro added.
"...Right. Critics with transportation."
We made it back to Rayseer in record time mostly because Shiro decided he wanted to "run lightly."
Lightly, in tiger language, apparently means faster than a wagon falling off a cliff.
"SHIROOO! I TOLD YOU I'M NOT-AHHH-BUILT FOR SPEED-!"
"You are fine," he said calmly, sprinting past horrified merchants and carts.
Tweety glided above us, his voice carried by the wind.
"You should enjoy this, John! Free transportation!"
"I'D RATHER RIDE MY BIKE!"
When we finally skidded to a stop at the guild gate, I dismounted on legs made of jelly.
"Next time," I gasped, "I'm walking."
Inside, the guild was as noisy as ever until people noticed us.
Again.
A few adventurers started whispering. Some just straight-up stared. One guy dropped his drink.
I ignored them (mostly) and marched straight to the reception counter.
"Hi, I need to report a completed quest."
The receptionist blinked.
"Oh! Of course, Mr. Avery! Which quest?"
"The pit viper. Class S."
Her pen froze midair.
"…The pit viper? As in… Route 3?"
"Yup." I smiled tiredly. "Got the proof right here."
With a thought, I pulled the thawed viper head out of my item box.
It landed on the guild floor with a heavy THUD, cracking the tiles slightly.
The room went dead silent.
Everyone stared at the massive reptilian head, its fangs still glistening faintly with venom, tongue frozen mid-hiss.
The receptionist didn't move for a full five seconds before whispering, "I'll… get the Guildmaster."
Ailock stormed out of his office like a man expecting paperwork, not a myth.
"Alright, what's this about-"
He froze mid-sentence, eyes going wide.
"Sweet gods above," he breathed. "That's the pit viper?!"
"Uh-huh," I said. "It was… larger than advertised."
He walked around it once, twice, then looked at me like I'd just dropped a dragon head on his floor.
"You killed this?"
"Well, technically Shiro killed it," I said. "I just… participated in the screaming."
Ailock rubbed his temples. "I don't know whether to promote you or bar you from quests."
"Promotion sounds better," I offered helpfully.
He sighed and waved at the receptionist.
"Bring the ledger. Reward this man immediately. Five hundred gold, plus the standard Class S bonus."
The woman scurried off.
I scratched my cheek. "Uh, actually… I was wondering if the guild offers butchering services. For, you know, big stuff."
Ailock blinked.
"Big stuff. You mean this thing?"
"Yeah, it's body. I'd rather not cut it myself. Last time I tried, I almost faint."
He barked a laugh.
"We can handle it. Come on, I'll introduce you to our butchers, the elite and the fienst ones we have."
The elites and finest "butcher" turned out to be a small army of seven men built with all muscles.
The lead one, a bald guy with more scars than hair, took one look at the viper's head and went pale. He even saw me pulling the body out of my item box and he almost fainted.
"…You want us to butcher that?"
Ailock crossed his arms.
"You're the best in Rayseer, aren't you?"
"Sir, that thing's bigger than the shop!"
I raised a hand awkwardly.
"No rush, really. Just don't ruin the tender parts."
The butcher blinked.
"Tender… parts?"
Tweety landed nearby, feathers gleaming.
"Yes. The liver, the ribs, the heart, and any marbled cuts along the spine."
The man just stared at him. "...Did the bird just place an order?"
"Yes," I said. "He's very particular."
Ailock clapped a hand on my shoulder.
"Tell you what, Avery. We'll handle the butchering free of charge… if you sell us the skin."
"The skin?"
He nodded.
"That hide's thick and naturally infused with mana. Makes perfect shield material. I'll give you two thousand gold for it."
I blinked.
"Two thousand… just for the skin?"
"Two thousand and free butchering," he said, smiling faintly.
I looked over at the mountain of frozen scales. It wasn't like I was planning to make a snake rug.
"Deal."
He grinned.
"Smart man."
What followed was something between an planning and a demolition project.
Seven skilled butchers worked in perfect rhythm, their saws and blades slicing through thick skin and muscle while apprentices ran to fetch barrels for storage.
The whole guild gathered to watch. Someone even brought snacks.
I stood nearby, trying to stay out of the way as Tweety and Shiro debated flavor profiles.
"Pit viper tail roasted in clay could be divine," Tweety mused.
"Or sliced thin and flash-fried," Shiro countered.
Meanwhile, I just stared at the mountain of meat and thought, How on earth am I going to cook all that?
Ailock walked by, shaking his head.
"You really are something, Avery."
"Thanks," I said weakly. "But mostly, I'm hungry."
He chuckled.
"Then you'd better start planning. Looks like your familiars are hungry as well."
The butchers handed me the all best-looking pieces of pit viper meat: thick, red slabs that looked somewhere pork and beef and I packed them carefully into my item box before anyone could try to "help themselves."
"Take all of it, including the finest cuts," Tweety said approvingly.
"Yes sir!" I replied.
I thanked Ailock for everything, the payment, the butchering, and not throwing me out for dropping another monster in his guild and headed off to find a quiet spot.
Rayseer was busy, but I eventually found an open space behind the inn: a nice patch of dirt, perfect for a campfire, with a soft breeze and enough room that Tweety could preen dramatically if he wanted.
Once I sat down, I pulled out my newest treasure, my "Massive Appetite Cookbook."
"Alright," I muttered, flipping through the pages. "Let's see what we can turn the snake into."
The cookbook smelled faintly like a new printed copy form earth. I almosg smiled ti myself remembering the Earth.
I turn the pages of roasts, soups, grilled fillets, page after page of things I definitely didn't know how to cook without burning something..Then, my eyes stopped on one title.
Steak au Poivre.
"Peppercorn steak, huh…" I murmured. "Classy. Complicated. Probably a bad idea."
Tweety perched on my shoulder.
"Do it."
Shiro nodded solemnly.
"Seconded."
"Are you guys sure?"
"Yes!" They answered in unisonn.
I sighed.
"Right. Because saying no to divine creatures is always the smart option."
Still, I'l try my best to makemit taste good as possible.
I flipped to the ingredient list and began writing it down in my notebook:
Peppercorns
Cognac brandy
Rosemary
Real garlic
Kosher salt
I double-checked the list, nodding. "Alright, that's fancy enough to impress divine beasts. Perfect."
I tore a piece of parchment from my notebook, wrote out the list neatly, and signed it like an invoice:
Order Request's Price:
1 sack Peppercorns (Black)
1 bottle Cognac or similar spirit (the best brand)
2 bundles od Rosemary
1 kilo of Garlic (From Earth)
I pouch of Kosher salt
- John
I set it carefully on the teleport plate.
The runes glowed faintly, then flashed once, and the parchment vanished.
Shiro tilted his head.
"Will your merchant friend respond soon?"
"If Mukoda's anything like I think he is," I said, leaning back, "he's probably already pricing everything."
Tweety let out a quiet laugh.
"Good. We'll prepare the fire then."
The open yard behind the inn glowed softly under the evening light.
I gathered some wood, built a large fire pit, and stacked stones like I'd done a hundred times before.
This was my kind of cooking, no fancy kitchens, no noble interruptions, just the crackle of fire and a few curious animals watching from the fence.
As the first spark caught and the flames came to life, I smiled.
"Alright," I said, brushing my hands. "Let's make this snake taste like heaven."
"If it doesn't," Tweety said, fluttering his wings, "I'll personally handle the cremation."
"...Yeah, that's super motivating, thanks."
The best thing about having an item box wasn't the storage, it was the how meat still fresh like it was recently killed. I took a portion of Viper's clean body though I wasn't ready to stare at the pit viper's body again. So, when the butchers handed me the prime cuts, I thanked them, nodded politely to Ailock, and immediately tossed everything inside my item box like it was going into a black hole.
Shiro flew and landed my shoulder.
"You could have take more," Shiro commented.
"We're running trails for now," I said.
Shiro nodded solemnly from his spot under the tree.
As I pulled one slice of meat, I almost scream. The slice's width was much larger than my waist. Yes, this viper could have swallowed me whole with no problem. The meat was red with fine fine marble akin to that wagyu in Japan. Layers of fat and pure red meat was starinh right at me. It was bulky, like this viper went to a gym or something. But no, no.matter how beautiful the marble is, I will never eat it.
I took seven slice of it and prepares on my working table which I borrow from the in master though he was suspicous.
"Alright, Mukoda," I said, grinning. "Let's see if your magical delivery service really works under pressure."
Tweety was on my shoulder waiting patience to Mukoda's reply.
"How long will this take?"
"No clue," I said, standing. "Depends if Mukoda's near Wi-Fi."
"Wi… what?"
"Don't worry about it," I said quickly.
A few minutes later, we had the fire going, a perfect campfire crackle, the air carrying that familiar smell of warmth and wood smoke.
The open area behind the inn wasn't much to look at, but it was peaceful. The stars were starting to peek through the fading orange sky, and for a brief moment, it almost felt like Earth again.
I leaned back on my hands, staring at the flames.
"Alright," I said, exhaling softly. "We've fought monsters, annoyed nobles, and scared half the guild. Let's see if I can cook a meal to satisfy you."
"Make us!" Shiro said.
"Yeah," I said.
It didn't even take five minutes before the teleportation plate glowed again, soft golden light pulsing through the runes.
A folded note shimmered into existence on top of it.
"That was quick," I muttered.
Tweety tilted his head.
"Efficient. Or bored."
I picked it up and unfolded it.
> Order Invoice: Mukoda Trading Co.
Peppercorns: 3 Silver
Cognac: 7 Silver
Fresh rosemary: 1 Silver
Garlic (imported): 2 Silver
Kosher salt: 5 Copper
Delivery fee: Free
Total: 14 Silver, 5 Copper
P.S.: Don't drink cognac before cooking.
- Mukoda
I groaned, half-smiling. "Okay, rude, but fair."
Tweety leaned over my shoulder to peek.
"He included everything?"
"Yeah."
I counted out the coins from my pouch, sixteen silvers and a five copper before placing them on the glowing plate. The runes pulsed once, swallowed the payment, and the air shimmered with that faint whoosh of teleportation magic.
A moment later, a small wooden box appeared, sealed with Mukoda's neat handwriting.
Inside, everything was exactly as I'd asked for: bundles of rosemary, garlic bulbs, a pouch of coarse salt, a bottle of amber cognac, and a sack of peppercorn.
I lifted the cognac to the firelight. "You know, if this wasn't for cooking, I'd take a sip."
Tweety shot me a sharp look.
"Resist temptation."
"Yeah, yeah," I sighed, setting the ingredients neatly beside the fire.
The air was calm, the campfire crackled softly, and the smell of rosemary mixed with the smoke. Things actually felt peaceful tonight.
I sat cross-legged, opened my Massive Appetite Cookbook, and flipped to the recipe again.
Steak au Poivre.
It looked deceptively simple. Pan-seared steak. Crushed peppercorns. Sauce flambéed with brandy.
My specialty? Absolutely not.
But then again, I had Master Chef Skill.
"Alright," I said, rolling up my sleeves. "Let's try not to burn down Rayseer tonight."
"Confidence," Tweety said, hopping closer.
"Terror," I replied.
Shiro yawned under the tree.
"Begin before I freeze from hunger."
"Yeah, yeah," I muttered, cracking my knuckles. "Just wait for the step."
Alright. Cookbook open. Fire crackling. Snake meat glaring at me...Let's do this.
Step 1: Crush the Peppercorns
First, the recipe says I need freshly crushed peppercorns. Simple enough. Except, I don't have a mortar and pestle.
So, the book says: "If one does not have a mortar and pestle, use a resealable bag and bang it with the bottom of a cast-iron skillet."
Perfect. I can take out my frustrations and season dinner.
I toss the peppercorns into a bag, take a deep breath, and start smashing.
Thwack. Thwack. THWACK.
"John," Tweety said from behind me, "are you cooking or committing a crime?"
"Both," I grunted, still whacking. "Therapy's expensive."
After a few good hits, the peppercorns were crushed. Set them aside, and try not to inhale near them unless you enjoy sneezing yourself into another world.
Step 2: Make the Marinade
Next up, the marinade.
In a big bowl, I whisked together oil, brandy, rosemary, and garlic until it smelled like someone's rich aunt's kitchen.
Then I dropped the pit viper steaks in and turned them over so they were evenly coated.
"You are bathing the serpent," Tweety commented.
"Yes," I said proudly. "A luxurious spa treatment before its final performance."
I covered the bowl and set it aside for about an hour long enough for the flavors to become friends, or enemies, whichever came first.
Pro tip: don't taste-test the marinade.
Step 3: Build the Fire
While the meat marinated, I started to make four of it.
The recipe said:
"Prepare a high-heat flame, with the fire almost licking the grill."
Which is chef-speak for "make it hot enough to melt your eyebrows."
I let it burn steadily for about 30 minutes, checking it like a nervous parent.
"It needs more heat," Tweety said.
"It needs less," I muttered.
While waiting, I wash some rice, ah…my heaven..
Step 4: Season and Pepper-Slap the Meat
Once the steaks finished marinating, I scraped off the excess sauce and seasoned them generously with salt.
Then came the fun part: pressing the crushed peppercorns all over the meat.
Now the steaks looked like they'd rolled through gravel. Fancy gravel.
"This is… spicy armor," Shiro said approvingly.
"Exactly," I said. "We're fighting flavor battles here."
Step 5: Grill Like You Mean It
I placed the steaks over the fire, the flames just barely licking them like mischievous kittens.
The cookbook said: "Cook 1–2 hours per side for medium rare."
So I turned them with my long-handled tongs exactly once, because apparently flipping too much is a culinary sin, and prayed to whatever kitchen gods existed in this world.
The air filled with that sizzling, fat sound that instantly makes you believe in happiness again.
"The smell…" Tweety whispered, eyes glowing.
"Good, right?"
"No," he said solemnly. "Divine."
I grinned as I measured the water of my rice in a small pot and carefully placed it in a less hot part of the fire and let it cook.
After two hours, the perfect sear of the five slices of viper's meat, I transferred the steaks to a platter and let them rest for five minutes, because apparently meat needs a nap, too,.kidding.
Then came the moment of truth.
Steak au Poivre: Pit Viper Edition.
Golden, pepper-crusted perfection.
I looked at my handiwork and whispered,
"Please taste good."
I plated five slices of perfectly grilled pit viper steak, each one glistening under the firelight like edible treasure.
One plate, however, wasn't for us.
I took a smaller dish, arranged it neatly (because presentation apparently matters to gods and anime food rules), and placed it on the teleportation plate.
"For you, Mukoda," I murmured. "Thanks for the ingredients, partner."
The plate glowed softly, whisking the food away in a swirl of golden light.
Behind me, Tweety made a low, suspicious sound.
"John," he said slowly, eyes narrowing. "Where did that steak go?"
"Uh…" I scratched the back of my neck. "Just, uh, charity work?"
"Charity," Tweety repeated, voice dripping with disbelief. "How noble. How suspiciously noble."
Shiro yawned beside the fire, his small form curled in a circle.
"As long as our portions remain untouched, do as you please."
Once the secret steak mission was done, I turned to the main event.
Two plates. One bird. One tiger.
"Alright," I said, handing them their share, "go ahead. Dig in."
The moment I said the words, Tweety's body shimmered, feathers expanding in a burst of heat until he stood at his full, divine form, massive, golden, and casting a warm glow over the clearing.
Shiro, not to be outdone, expanded too, his fur turning into a brilliant sheet of white as frost crept across the ground. His tail wagged once, like a very large, very hungry cat about to devour heaven itself.
I backed up.
"...This feels like a food competition between divine beasts."
Tweety bent his neck, staring at his steak like it was the sun itself.
A drop of drool hissed when it hit the ground.
Then they both moved at once.
Tweety took one careful bite, then froze. His entire body went still. The world went quiet. Even the fire seemed to hold its breath.
Shiro followed, slicing off a chunk with his claws and chewing once… twice… then stopped, eyes wide as the frost around him cracked.
For a horrifying second, I thought I'd killed them.
Then…
"Mmmmmmmm...!" Tweety's entire body flared with golden light. "This… this flavor-!"
"Warm… tender… the spice dances like a snowfire!" Shiro rumbled, eyes trembling.
Tweety flapped his wings once, sending a wave of heated air that nearly blew my hair off.
"Perfection! The fire! The smoke! The… the poivre!"
Shiro thumped his tail, creating a small shockwave.
"More. I demand more of this wonder."
I blinked, dazed, my hair standing on end from the aftershock.
"...Is this what a Michelin-star panic attack feels like?"
"John," Tweety said, feathers still glowing faintly, "I declare this meal worthy of a divine offering."
"Agreed," Shiro added, licking his chops. "The texture alone could end wars."
I laughed weakly.
"Yeah, sure, if I survive cooking for you two ever again."
By the time my two gluttonous familiars finished, the camp looked like a post-feast battlefield. Empty plates. Scorched grass. And two very satisfied divine beasts sprawled in blissful food comas.
Tweety let out a low sigh that sounded like a volcano settling.
"If I die now," he murmured, "I shall ascend happy."
Shiro's tail flicked once.
"You already ascended."
"Semantics," Tweety replied lazily.
I chuckled and shook my head.
"You guys are ridiculous."
With them finally quiet, I pulled out my pot of freshly cooked rice from my item box. The steam curled up.
Simple, fluffy, perfect white rice.
No matter what world you're in, rice is home.
I scooped a generous portion onto my plate, then poured a bit of the leftover steak sauce over it, the smell alone made my stomach growl like I hadn't eaten in days.
Then I took my small knife and cut into my quarter-portion of steak.
The blade glided through the meat like it was jelly. No resistance and no chew-fight. Just that buttery, heavenly gift.
"...Okay," I whispered, staring at it. "Why does this look like grade-A beef when it came from a murder serpent?"
Tweety, half-dozing, cracked one golden eye open.
"Because your skill is divine."
"Right," I muttered. "Here goes nothing."
I placed the bite on top of a spoonful of rice and took it all in one go.
The moment it hit my tongue, I froze.
Then….boom.
Every flavor exploded at once. The sharp, warm kick of peppercorn. The deep, smoky sweetness of brandy. The garlic and rosemary whispering like old friends. And the viper meat itself was soft, juicy, almost melting and its texture closer to premium beef than anything reptilian had the right to be.
My eyes widened. My entire brain threw confetti.
"Oh-oh my god-" I mumbled through a mouthful. "This is insane."
I took another bite. Then another.
Before I knew it, the plate was empty, and I was leaning back, sighing like a man who just achieved enlightenment through lunch.
"You appear content," Tweety said sleepily.
"Content?" I smiled faintly. "I just ate a monster and saw the face of God."