CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE –
Stalkers and Celebrities
While the group was finishing their breakfast, Professor Flitwick approached Harry, handing out the class schedules. "Mr. Potter."
Harry looked up. "Ah, Professor Flitwick. How are you this morning, sir?"
"I'm doing very well, Mr. Potter, thank you." He passed over the schedule. "The Headmaster has asked to see you, Mr. Potter, when you've finished your breakfast. Since Charms is your first class, you have my permission to be late."
Harry nodded. "Thank you, sir. I'll be as quick as I can."
Passing out the rest of the schedules, Flitwick made his way down the table.
"What is it about you, Harry?" Padma asked. "The second day here, and you're called to the Headmaster's office."
Harry grinned. "Well, I can predict, with a reasonable amount of certainty, that he has two questions for me; one, what the hell happened during the Sorting ceremony last night, and two, how the hell did I manage to Portkey into Hogwarts, considering that he didn't make the Portkey."
"Both valid questions." Blaise said, arching an eyebrow at his friend.
"Yes, they are." Harry said, smiling slightly.
"You're not gonna tell us, are you?" Susan asked, pouting.
"Maybe someday." Harry replied, making the others groan.
Padma turned to Luna. "What about you, Luna? Care to explain what happened last night?"
"No. Not really." Luna replied dreamily.
"Luna." Harry said, nodding slightly at her.
"Fine." Luna replied, rolling her eyes. "Harry is... different, than everyone else at Hogwarts."
"True." Hermione said, winking at her boyfriend.
"He's... 'Chosen', for lack of a better phrase. Fate both likes him, and detests him. So, Fate used me to pass some information that he will need."
"Yep, that's me." Harry sighed dramatically. "Fate's Bitch."
"She prefers to think of you as her 'Minion', not her 'Bitch'." Luna replied, smiling slightly. "I get these... flashes, sometimes. People, events, places. Things that need to be done, and things that need to be stopped. Since Harry is one of the nexus points of space and time, it's necessary for me to pass these flashes on to him."
"And cause a migraine, too." Harry muttered.
"You're 'Chosen'?" Blaise asked. "Is that how you managed to assault that Troll last year?"
"Yeah, I've been wondering about that, too." Susan asked. "I've heard the rumours, and I saw that weird little memory show spell you did, but I don't understand it."
"I heard people talk about it in the common room last night." Luna added. "Apparently, it's quite famous here."
"Uh... well, it's kinda... difficult to explain." Harry replied, looking a but confused. "In basic terms, I infused my body with magic."
"But... you're a wizard. Your body's always infused with magic."
"No." Harry corrected gently. "As a wizard, my body has magic flowing through it. What I did was to infuse every cell with raw magic. For a brief time, my body was harder than diamond, and I was equally strong. There are, however, two rather drastic problems with doing it."
"Which are?" Hermione and Padma asked together, with Luna a close second. Ravenclaws...
"Well, I've done it before, and I timed it. I can only hold the power for just under five seconds. And secondly, it's extremely draining. I ate nearly a week's worth of food after that fight. It burns up your reserves like you wouldn't believe."
"So, it's useful in a one-on-one fight, but during battle it's a hazard?" Blaise concluded. "Makes sense you'd use it against the troll."
"Can anyone do it?" Neville asked quietly.
Harry shrugged. "I suppose so. It's difficult to begin with, 'cause your body doesn't want to change like that. And it's dependant on your power level. The more powerful you are, the longer you can hold it. If someone's too low on power, they probably couldn't do it."
"Hmm." Hermione had discretely pulled out a quill and parchment, and was scribbling notes.
Harry finished his mug of tea, and stood up. "I'll see you guys later. Better go and see what his Headliness wants."
"Ah, Harry! Won't you come in? Lemon drop?" Dumbledore offered.
"Thank you, sir. No. I've just finished breakfast." Harry replied as he sat down. "You asked to see me, sir?"
Dumbledore nodded, leaning back in his chair and sucking on a lemon drop. "I did, my boy, yes. First of all, you've settled in, have you?"
Harry rolled his eyes discretely. "Sir, I'm missing Charms for this meeting. What was it you wished to speak to me about?"
"Very well, Harry. I would like to talk about your encounter with Miss Lovegood during the Sorting last night."
"Really, sir? I admit, it was an odd way for her to introduce herself to me, but I think she accomplished that quite nicely."
"I need to know what it was she showed you, Harry. If you have information, you will need to share it with me for the Greater Good. I need to know."
"With respect, sir, you don't need to know. That information was passed to me in confidence, and I will treat it as such. I'm sorry if that response upsets you, Professor, but I have no choice in the matter. For the Greater Good, the information must be kept secret."
Dumbledore frowned. Harry had turned his favourite reason back on him! "Harry, I must insist. Anything that affects the students of this school is my business, and I need to know."
"In your opinion, sir, you need to know. That opinion is not mine, and I will not share. I have told you, several times now, that I will share pertinent information with you at the appropriate time. This is not that time."
Dumbledore's tone was cool. "And do you believe that you're the best person to decide what information is 'pertinent'?"
"Yes." Harry replied simply, leaning back in his chair.
Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Harry, I have tried to explain to you that I work for the Greater Good. As such, I need this information, in order to make sure that the Greater Good is served."
Harry shook his head. "One day, Headmaster, you and I shall have a conversation about the 'Greater Good'. Again, however, this is not that time. Is there anything else you wish to discuss, or can I go to Charms now?"
"I will agree to put this on the back burner for the moment, Mr. Potter, but I will get this information." Dumbledore replied sternly.
"You're welcome to try, Headmaster."
"My second query was with regards to your arrival last night."
"Oh?"
"Yes. That... device. What was it?"
"Need-to-know, Headmaster." Harry replied. "You don't have one."
"Any object that can penetrate the defences of this school, Mr. Potter, needs to be confiscated and studied. In this instance, your opinion of whether I need to know or not is irrelevant."
"No, it isn't. The Box allowed me to travel to school when I missed the train. Unlike Weasley, we were not seen by Muggles, and have not broken the Statute of Secrecy. As for penetrating the school's defences, we did not. The school allowed us access."
"I did not authorise your transit, Mr. Potter."
"The school did, Headmaster. In this instance, your approval is irrelevant."
Dumbledore sighed. Why couldn't he just buckle down and be a good weapon? "I really must insist, Mr. Potter."
"Yes, 'cause that's worked for you in the past, Headmaster." Harry replied calmly.
"Where is the device now?" Dumbledore asked.
"It's in my dorm room, Headmaster."
Dumbledore nodded. "Very well, Harry. You're dismissed. Hurry along to class, now."
Harry stood, nodded slightly, and headed out of the door. He'd be willing to bet every Knut of the Potter fortune that Dumbledore would shortly be making his way to the Ravenclaw Second Years dorms. He'd be in for a little surprise...
Harry ambled down the corridor briskly, heading for Charms class. Unfortunately, Charms was a four-house class, meaning he had to put up with annoying Gryffindors (Weasley and Finnegan) and the irritating Slytherins (Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Nott, Davis... hell, all of them except Blaise). He entered the class, interrupting Flitwick's lecture. He quickly sat down in between Padma and Hermione, and dug out parchment and quill.
"Sir?" Malfoy's irritating whine spoke up.
"Yes, Mr. Malfoy?" Flitwick looked up at the interruption from the blonde ponce.
"Aren't you going to punish Potter, sir, for being late?"
"How is that any business of yours, Mr. Malfoy?" Flitwick's tone was cool at Malfoy's presumption.
"You're showing favouritism to your house, sir. He was late. He should get a detention, or at least lose points."
Harry looked up at Malfoy, seeing the blonde smirk at him. Yeah, you know what favouritism is, don't you, Ferret? Snape would have probably awarded you points if you came in late, while stripping the rest of the houses of their points.
"Perhaps, Mr. Malfoy, you should mind your own business. I know why Mr. Potter was late, and that is not something that you need to know. Focus on your own task, Mr. Malfoy, and allow me to focus on mine."
Go, Flitwick! Go, Flitwick! Harry sang mentally, winking gleefully at Malfoy, who glared mincingly at him.
"So, what did Dumbledore want?" Hermione whispered after a few moments.
"As I said at brekkie. He wants to know about the Portkey box. He asked me where it was. It's in my dorm room, sitting in a corner. He's probably up there right now."
"What?" Hermione hissed loudly, causing Flitwick to look up at her, one eyebrow raised. "Sorry." She waited until Flitwick was carrying on with his lecture, before turning back to Harry. "And you're just letting him rummage around?"
Harry shrugged. "Well, yeah. It's not as though he can get inside. The magi-lock on the door will keep him out. At the moment, only you and I can get inside. Even then, it wouldn't do him any good, since he wouldn't know how to work the technology, and it's blood-bound to me."
Hermione nodded at him uncertainly, before getting back to taking notes.
The charms class lasted all morning. As soon as the lesson finished, the six friends left the room, heading for the Great Hall for Lunch, before their Defence against the Dark Arts class immediately afterwards. Harry was looking forward to this, for obvious reasons.
They settled in at the Ravenclaw table, grabbing sandwiches and juice, apart from Harry who grabbed two pots of tea. As they started to eat, Harry sensed Luna approaching, then stopping a few feet away. "Come on, Luna. Sit down." He called out.
With a small smile, Luna sat on the bench next to Hermione, who grinned at the younger girl. "Stop flinching, Luna. We're not going to attack you."
She nodded, and reached for a sandwich.
"Looking forward to DADA, girls?" Harry asked after he'd demolished two sandwiches. Predictably, Susan blushed prettily, followed by Padma. "I'll take that as a yes, then."
"It's just... he's so famous. And handsome!" Susan sighed.
Harry, Blaise and Neville rolled their eyes and one, before grinning.
"Excuse me!" A voice called excitedly from behind Harry.
A flash of bright white light, and the smell of rotten eggs, greeted Harry, as he turned round. His wand was in hand and stunning curse on his lips, when he realised what it was.
"Hi, Harry!" A hyperactive voice near-shouted in front of him.
Colin Fucking Creepy! I mean 'Creevey'. Shit... I forgot about him."Uh... one minute. I'm blind at the moment." Harry replied, closing his eyes. "While I'm waiting for my vision to return, why don't you tell me who the hell you are, and why you felt a need to try and blind me?"
"Oh, I'm Colin. Colin Creevey."
"Well, Colin Colin Creevey. I'd say it's nice to see you, but that would be a lie since I'm blind thanks to your sterling efforts."
"Harry." Hermione's voice said coolly. "Be nice to the creepy stalker."
"I just wanted to take your picture." Colin said defensively, a bit put out by the seven people in front of him glaring at him. Well, six people glaring at him, and one blinking furiously.
"Look, Colin Colin," Harry said, now seeing vague shapes in front of him, "did it ever occur to you to ask for a photo, instead of sticking your camera in my face?"
"Uh... no?"
Saints preserve us. "Well, now you know. Please, feel free to walk away before I can see you well enough to hex you."
Creevey gathered the tattered remnants of his courage. "I... I was hoping I could take a picture of you, and then you could sign it for me."
Hell, no! "Well, Colin, as much fun as that wouldn't be, I have to refuse. I don't do signed photos. Or photos. Or signatures. Sorry."
"Signed photos, Potter?" A new voice entered the conversation.
"Oh, joy. Bad faith. Something you want, ferret, or are you looking for a signed photo, too?"
"Signed photos? Who's giving out signed photos?" The fake, foppish voice of the Great Pretender entered the area.
"Good god, am I being stalked by weirdos?" Harry whispered to Hermione.
"Ah, shouldn't need to ask. Harry Potter... we meet at last."
"Too bloody soon." Harry muttered.
"Tell you what, Mr. Creevey, why don't you take a picture of the both of us, and we'll both sign it, eh? Can't ask for more than that, can you?" Lockhart draped his arm across Harry's shoulder.
Colin nodded uncertainly, seeing the thunderous look on Harry's face, and raised his camera.
"Creevey, your finger touches that button, and I'll shove your wand so far up your arse, it'll pick your nose, and give your brain pan, such as it is, a much overdue cleaning. Are we... perfectly... clear?"
Colin nodded, before turning tail and running from the Great Hall.
"Why are you touching me?" Harry suddenly demanded of Lockhart. "I don't know you, and you're draping yourself all over me. Is there a reason?"
"Come with me, Harry." Lockhart said, trying unsuccessfully to sound authoritative.
"Well, I usually get dinner first, Professor. I don't know what rumours you've heard, but I don't just go off with strange men." He ripped Lockhart's arm off his shoulder, and took a couple of steps away, standing next to Hermione.
"I was covering for you back there with young Creevey, Harry. If he took a picture of the two of us together, it wouldn't look so bad. Giving out signed photos at this stage of your career... looks a tad bigheaded."
Harry shook his head in disbelief. "Had I given out a signed photograph, Professor, your rebuke may have some merit. Since I didn't, it's rather pointless." He glared at Lockhart. "And, on the off chance I were to start handing out signed photographs, why on earth would I want to be in one with you?"
"Harry, Harry, Harry... don't you understand? I'm trying to help you, here."
"I neither need or require your help, Professor." Harry retorted, watching the older man look at him with puzzlement. Sweet Merlin... the silly bugger doesn't get it. Prick. "Don't you have anything better to do that chase me round? Like leave? I'm sure there's some other small boy in this castle you can go and grope." Harry turned his back on Lockhart, and started to walk away with his friends. As Harry left the Great Hall, a flash of light from the main staircase caught his attention.
"Creevey!" Harry spat, watching the younger boy run in terror.
"Ah, children today, eh, Harry?" Blaise asked quietly.
"Blaise, have I told you recently how much I really don't like you?" Harry retorted instantly.
"Ooh, not for..." Blaise sucked air through his teeth, "almost three hours, now."
"So, I'm way overdue. I hate you, Blaise."
"Aw... give us a kiss, Harry." Blaise mocked, before taking a subtle step back upon seeing Harry's glare. "I didn't think photographers would put you in a bad mood."
"Hey, I have no problem with photographers. They're just like every other psychopath. If I could think of a way of killing them without being caught, I'd happily comply."
Hermione took his hand, squeezing softly. "Come on, Harry. Calm down."
The group started to amble towards the library, one of the few areas they could gather together outside of lessons and the Great Hall. "Honestly... photographers, solicitors and taxmen... should kill them all for the good of the species." He muttered as he stalked along the corridor.
"Harry." Hermione said reprovingly.
"And poncey gits!" He called suddenly, glancing over his shoulder. As expected, Lockhart looked up, locking gazes with Harry. He turned to Hermione. "You see? He answered to it! Proof!"
"You're planning on destroying him, aren't you?" Luna asked, out of the blue.
"Well... yeah." Harry said.
Hermione reached up with her free hand, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Are you gonna leave anything? Any traces?"
Harry pondered the question. "I'll leave enough gristle for us all to piss on. That work for you?"
"Why, though, Harry?" Susan's quiet, soft voice called up from the back of the group. "I mean... he's done so much good! Haven't you read his books?"
Repressing a snigger, Harry stopped, and turned to face Susan. "Yes, I have. Marvellous works of fiction they are, too."
"Fiction?" The ladies asked.
"Oh, please!" Harry said mockingly. "Do you really believe that man could face down a banshee? I bet he's piss his pants if he came face-to-face with a werewolf." He snorted. "Christ, he'd piss himself if he came face-to-face with Crookshanks." Harry pondered for a moment. "Although, I can certainly understand that one."
"Harry, my cat is not evil." Hermione said sternly.
"Of course, dear." Harry said patronisingly, patting the top of her head. "He's just... misunderstood, right?"
"Oh, honestly." Hermione scolded. "He's a perfectly agreeable cat."
"Yeah, provided he's not agreeing with me." Harry muttered, getting a rap on the back of his head from his girlfriend.
"So... you think Lockhart's a fake?" Susan asked, looking upset.
"I didn't say that." Harry answered. I know it, but I won't say it... yet.
The group carried on down the halls, until they entered the library. As Harry passed over the threshold, another flash went off. "Right, that's it!" Harry snarled. "Accio Creepy Little Stalker!"
True to form, Colin flew through the air, only to land in a pile at Harry's feet. Harry picked him up, physically holding him in the air, while he snarled into his face. "Did you not listen to me when I said you should ask for a photo?"
"Y-Yes." Colin squeaked.
"So, tell me why you feel a need to take a picture of me, not once but twice, less than ten minutes later?"
"I-I-I was hoping to catch you unawares..." Colin stammered.
Hermione placed a hand on Harry's arm, the simple touch calming him down. He looked at her, watching her shake her head slightly, before he looked back at Colin. "Fine. You can take two pictures. One of me and Hermione, and one of the seven of us."
The group assembled and posed, watching as the CLS took the pictures. He was about to dash away, when Harry grabbed his wrist. "Oh, and Colin?"
"Yes?" Colin trembled.
"If I find those pictures in the Daily Prophet or them being given to anyone else, I will emasculate you on general principle. Are we clear?"
Colin's head bobbed up and down, making him look like Dobby.
"Excellent. I'll give you five sickles for two copies of me and Hermione, and seven copies of the group shot. And the negatives." Harry smiled winningly, showing a lot of teeth, and chuckled when Colin dashed away.
"You're cruel to that poor boy." Susan said reprovingly.
"Creepy little stalker." Harry and Hermione said together. They made their way over to the group's table, slumping into place.
"Harry?" Blaise asked.
"Hmm?"
"What was that odd... contraption thing that you arrived in last night?"
"Yeah, I was wondering that, too." Padma added.
Hermione let out an uncharacteristic giggle. "It was fun."
Harry turned to stare at her. "'Fun'? That's all you can say? 'Fun'?" He clucked his tongue. "Hermione, I'm shocked. Shocked and dismayed."
As a sterling example of maturity, Hermione stuck her tongue out at Harry, who just crossed his eyes at her. "Well, explain it then."
"That, Ladies, Gentlemen and Blaise," Harry winked at his friend, who gave him the finger, "was a dimensionally transcendental, runically-powered armoured Portkey transit device."
"Huh?" was the general response.
Harry scratched his head. "It's a very fancy Portkey." He explained after a moment. "But, with mine, you don't end up splattered on the ground in an undignified heap."
"Ah."
"How does it work?" Padma asked. "I mean, I've used Portkeys before, but I've never seen anything like that."
Not surprising... half of the technology and magical theory hasn't been invented yet. "Inside the box is a console, which is a Portkey. The Portkey activates, dragging the box, and anything inside it, to wherever it needs to go." He smiled. "And it's currently sitting up in my dorm room, with Professor Dumbledore trying to get inside it."
Luna looked at him. "Aren't you going to stop him?"
"Did ya notice the word 'trying'?" Harry asked, grinning. "He can't get in. The box won't let him. I just hope he doesn't try and blast his way in. He'll make a bloody mess in my dorm room."
"You said 'runically-powered'. How did you do that?" Padma asked.
Ravenclaws... at least it's better than listening to gossip about Teen Witch bloody Weekly like her sister... "I've used Runes to make a sort of magical reactor in the heart of the console. I was originally going to use antimatter reaction technology, but I figured that probably wasn't the best solution."
"What's antimatter?" Blaise asked.
At that point, what Harry had said filtered through Hermione's brain, causing her to shriek in protest. "Are you serious? You were thinking of using antimatter?" She stared at him. "Where the hell would you get it from?"
Harry looked at her oddly for a moment. "Kent State University in Ohio. They're the ones who've been working with it."
"You'd blow up the school!" Hermione exclaimed loudly, getting loud clucks from Madam Pince.
"No, I wouldn't." Harry replied, shaking his head and chuckling. "No, with the amount of antimatter needed, it'd more likely destroy Scotland."
Hermione was about to start at least a thirty-minute rant, then thought better of it. Since he hadn't used such a dangerous power supply, there wasn't really any point.
Harry turned his attention onto Luna. "So, how was your first class?"
The blonde smiled at him. "It was... interesting. Did you know Professor McGonagall's actually a cat, and only acts human?"
Hermione was about to correct her, but Harry smoothly interjected. "We know. She's a devious little kitty, isn't she?"
Grinning, Luna nodded. "Yes... it's often been suspected that some of the staff at Hogwarts are actually animals masquerading at human. The Potions Master's an animal, too."
"Bat." The other six said in unison, causing Luna to smile widely.
"You're gonna fit right in, Luna..." Padma said, wrapping an arm around the younger girl's shoulders. "Right in."
Harry glanced at his watch, noting that there was fifteen minutes of lunch left. "Before we head off to class, there's something else we need to talk about. D'you remember on my birthday, I said we'd start on some training?" The group nodded. "The first thing we should work on is Occlumency, 'cause frankly, Snape is completely untrustworthy. He routinely scans students, just by looking into their eyes. So, after dinner, we'll meet up in the common room, and get started." He gestured to the shelves. "There's some books that will come in useful. We should get those."
"Who's common room?" Susan asked.
"Well, out of the seven of us, four of us are Ravenclaws, so it makes sense to use ours." Harry pointed out reasonably. He led the others to the books they'd need, signed them out, and headed off to class.
Harry had been looking forward to this ever since he'd arrived back in the past, over a year ago. The chance to irritate Gilded-Balls Flophart was just too tempting to pass up.
He sat in the very front of the class, doing his best to look studious and attentive. To his delight, Second Year DADA was held with the Gryffindors, so he had ample opportunity to annoy Ron Weasley, and set him up for embarrassing incidents. Really, he couldn't ask for better.
Hermione took the seat next to him, with Padma and Neville on the seats behind them. Without warning, Harry suddenly cackled, rubbing his hands together, making the other students near him jump in surprise.
"Behave!" Hermione snapped, swatting his shoulder.
"But, Hermione..." He whined playfully, "I'm just so excited to be meeting such a... fine figure of a wizard."
Hermione just started rubbing the top of her nose again. "Should have stayed in bed this morning..."
The door to the office opened, and Lockhart stepped out, resplendent in his fine yellow robes. "Good morning, all."
Harry grunted.
"I see you all bought a complete collection of my books!" Lockhart crowed, looking around the room.
"Considering we didn't have any bloody choice..." Harry muttered, just loud enough for Lockhart to hear him, but quietly enough for Lockhart to dismiss it.
"Well, let's get started." He grabbed Hermione's copy of Gadding with Ghouls. "Me. Gilderoy Lockhart. Order of Merlin, 3rd-class, Honorary member of the Dark Force Defence League-"
"Only 'cause you're not actually qualified to be a proper member..." Harry muttered, again just loud enough for Lockhart to hear.
"And five times winner of Witch Weekly's most charming smile award!" He smiled at them, showing off his perfect teeth.
Harry leaned in close to Hermione. "How, exactly, does that qualify him to teach Defence against the Dark Arts?" She shrugged.
"But, enough about that!" Lockhart said suddenly, turning round to smile charmingly at the class. "I didn't defeat the Bandon Banshee-"
"At all." Harry muttered.
"...by smiling at her." He waited a moment for them to laugh. None did. He cleared his throat nervously.
"Before we get started on today's lesson, I thought we could have a little quiz, to see how much of my books you've managed to remember."
"Joy." Harry deadpanned loudly.
"Ah, Mr. Potter, I'm glad to see that you're eager." Lockhart complimented, smiling at the more-famous child.
"If that's the way you want to interpret it, Professor, don't let me stop you." Harry replied, smiling thinly at the fop.
Lockhart was confused for a moment, but then brushed it aside. He handed out the papers, letting people take one and then pass them back.
"You have thirty minutes to answer the questions. I'm sure I could find some house points for the winner."
"Ooh!" Neville and Harry mocked in unison.
"Begin!"
Harry opened the parchment, and started to write his answers. For the most part, he didn't really give a shit what the useless fraud thought of him, but he was oddly proud of some of his answers. When Lockhart called out "Time!" he made a duplication of his questionnaire, and sent it back up to Lockhart.
Lockhart sat patiently, reading through the quizzes. By a strange coincidence, Harry's quiz was the bottom of the pile. As he was reading through, marking them, he began making odd comments.
"Hardly any of you remembered that my favourite colour is lilac... What..." He looked up. "Mr. Potter?"
"Yes, Professor?" Harry replied innocently.
"What's this?" Lockhart held up the quiz.
"My answers, sir."
"I don't think this is quite right, do you?" Lockhart gazed at the young man with a pathetic expression.
Harry smiled dangerously. "The answers may not be what you have written in your books, Professor, but I don't believe them to be inaccurate." He reached into his robes, and pulled out the duplicated parchment. He quickly read them through. "I don't see a problem here, sir."
Gilderoy's face became red. "You... you don't see a problem?"
"No, sir. I'll tell you what, sir. Instead of reading them all out, how about I just copy it for the entire class to read, sir? That way, we can carry on with the lesson."
Harry flicked his wand, sending a copy of the parchment to every student. Unknown to Lockhart, it was to every student in the school.
Hermione received her parchment, and quickly read through it. Several statements stuck into her mind as she read Harry's 'answers'.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour?
Anything that doesn't clash with his long, flowing blonde locks... poncey git.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
To own the largest harem of little boys the world has ever known. From what I've heard, he's currently in second place.
What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?
Creating a series of books that are so expensive, it would bankrupt several small countries, and then successfully getting them part of a mandatory reading list.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite animal?
Anything that has achieved something and is susceptible to a memory charm.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's advice to young celebrities?
Carry a big stick and pummel irritating questionnaire writers.
What is the most important thing to remember when facing a Dark creature?
Only face an enemy whose name can be used with some alliteration to create an irritating book title.
Has Gilderoy Lockhart ever suffered from any illnesses?
Well, he's afflicted with verbal diarrhoea, but he isn't the one who's suffering.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's Favourite Spell?
I can't remember... isn't that a clue?
Where was Gilderoy Lockhart born?
In a box near the fire. His mother probably barked during the whole thing.
How did Gilderoy Lockhart track down the Gladstone Ghoul?
He went to where the Ghoul was reported, and asked someone... high-tech, or what?
How many people did Gilderoy Lockhart save during his encounter with the Ghoul?
I'm so sorry... fell asleep. What was that?
How did Gilderoy Lockhart defeat the Gladstone Ghoul?
According to his book, he used a Reducto curse. However, we all know that ghouls cannot be harmed with a Reducto curse. So, the question becomes, how did Albrahim Meyer (the wizard who did defeat the ghoul) do it?
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's recommendation for preventing hair-mussing when facing ghouls?
Severus Snape's Slime-It-Down hair gel. Guaranteed to style it or dissolve your hair, or your money back!
What was the charm used to defeat the Wagga Wagga werewolf in Wandering with Werewolves?
Well, it sure as hell wasn't his natural charm. Personally, I reckon the werewolf saw the git had bigger teeth than him and ran away. I know I want to. Far, far away...
What has Gilderoy Lockhart found to be the best use of the Homorphous Charm?
Selling barely-literate, high-priced dodgy fiction to schoolchildren with mandatory booklists.
What is the best way to deal with a werewolf on a rampage?
Be 35,000 feet in the air on a Muggle plane; werewolves tend to have issues at customs.
How was Gilderoy Lockhart able to defeat the Werewolf in Hand-to-Hand combat?
Is this question for real? A werewolf, a creature with far superior strength to a human, and he thinks he can beat it in hand-to-hand? More likely the werewolf saw him coming and fell over laughing.
What was the secret weapon Gilderoy Lockhart used to defeat the Yeti?
While hanging upside down in the Yeti's lair, he used the Force to summon his lightsaber, before chopping off the Yeti's arm... hang on, no, that's Star Wars... Huh...
How did Gilderoy Lockhart track down the terrible Yeti?
He asked the villagers. Moron.
How did Gilderoy Lockhart defeat the Yeti?
He shit his pants when he saw it. The stench of bowel-loosening terror killed the Yeti. Poor thing...
How does Gilderoy Lockhart recommend keeping a perfect manicure when facing a Yeti?
Well, I don't know about Flophart, but I would recommend, if fighting for your life against a Yeti, that worrying about your bloody cuticles is a waste of time. Although, moisturising is supposed to help.
What Spell did Gilderoy Lockhart use to gain access to the Banshee's lair?
Early morning breath that could cut through bank vaults.
How did Gilderoy Lockhart defeat the Bandon Banshee's right-hand minion?
Flash blindness from those bloody awful aquamarine robes.
How did Gilderoy Lockhart defeat the Bandon Banshee?
Well, he was gonna try and gag her with his manhood, but the damn thing's so tiny, it could only be used to floss her teeth. On the plus side, she now has a better smile than he does.
In Voyages with Vampires, how did Gilderoy Lockhart defeat the Leader of the Vampires?
He ate some garlic bread, and forgot to brush those huge chompers. The stench managed to make the leader of the vampires keel over.
What curse did Gilderoy Lockhart cure the Transylvanian villagers from?
Himself. He left. The villagers cheered, and made mad passionate love to all the animals in the area. Gilderoy was jealous when he found out, 'cause he missed out of the sheep.
How does Gilderoy Lockhart recommend keeping your robes wrinkle-free during a confrontation with a Vampire?
Albus Fondlemore's Sticky Semen Starch – guaranteed to make your robes hard as diamond, or a full refund!
What was the Secret Spell Gilderoy Lockhart used to defeat the Vampire Clan?
A secret... only known to the Romanian Warlock who defeated the Vampire clan. If it was told to everyone, it wouldn't be a bloody secret, would it? You're really a bit of an arse, aren't you?
How many lives has Gilderoy Lockhart saved in his adventures?
I was unaware the Gilderoy Lockhart's saved anyone. I must have blinked and missed it.
When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal birthday gift be?
I don't care, and his ideal birthday gift would be to have the bloody day named after him.
With a muffled sigh, she looked over at Harry, who was grinning at her. She nodded her head in grudging acceptance, before turning back to Lockhart.
"Hmm... Well, Miss Granger scored the highest marks on the test, by getting every answer correct. So, ten points to Miss Granger."
"Thank you, sir." Hermione replied dutifully.
"So... to business. My job is to prepare you all to face the darkest and most deadly creatures in the world! You may find yourselves facing your worst terror in this room-"
"We already are." Harry muttered, making Neville snigger behind him.
"You should all know that as long as I am here, no harm will come to you." Lockhart completed smoothly.
"Of course not. Anything that comes for us will pick on him first, since he's so weak." Harry grumbled. "And he's supposed to teach us... pathetic."
Hermione elbowed him, causing him to yelp. He glared at her, before deciding to tone down on the ribbing.
"I have brought a group of creatures to class today... they're very dangerous. If you scream, they may attack us!" He made his way over to a cage on his desk, which was shaking slightly.
"Behold!" He ripped the cover off, revealing a cage full of electric-blue creatures, each one about six inches tall, and slightly satanic-looking.
"Pixies!" Seamus Finnegan laughed. "You think Pixies are dangerous?"
Lockhart smirked. "Let's see how you deal with them then!" He called out, flicking the door of the cage open. The pixies, not being as stupid as Lockhart, made their break for freedom, deciding to trash the classroom before departure. Every student, bar one, leapt under their desk to escape the little menaces.
Hermione glanced up, seeing Harry sat casually at his desk, reading through one of his textbooks. "Harry!" She hissed.
"Hmm?" Harry asked, looking down at her. "What are you doing down there?"
"The Pixies!" Hermione shot back, ducking as a low-flying pixie nearly hit her.
Harry glanced round the room, noting the pixies wreaking havoc. To Harry's glee, they'd grabbed Ron Weasley by the robes, hauling him up to the ceiling, so he could dangle from the large dinosaur skeleton hanging there. "Yes, they look to be having fun, don't they?"
"Why aren't they bothering you?" Hermione asked, drawing her wand.
"Notice-me-not charm, keyed to them." Harry replied, going back to his book. Without looking, he drew his wand, tapping it on Hermione's head, then flicking it twice behind him, casting the charm on Neville and Padma.
"We should help the others." Hermione said, glancing around the room.
"Well... yeah, we could." Harry said reasonably. "Or, we could watch the pixies pick on Weasley." He leaned back in his chair. "I know which one I pick."
"Weasley." Neville and Padma replied, slipping back into their seats.
Hermione just huffed and rolled her eyes, but sat back down. The rest of the combined Gryffindor/Ravenclaw class stared at them, before ducking and rolling again from the pixies.
"If you four would just nip them back into their cage?" Lockhart said from under his desk, where he'd taken refuge after the pixies had stolen his wand.
Hermione turned to Harry. "The Immobulus charm should work here." She as about to cast it, when Harry placed his hand on her wrist, grinning at her.
"This'll probably work better." He said. He stood, letting loose a shrill whistle through his teeth. To the astonishment of everyone, bar Harry, the Pixies stopped dashing around the room, staring at the being that had caught their notice.
"Attention!" Harry barked. The Pixies flew to Harry's desk and stood there, in three ranks of four.
"Right face!" The Pixies turned to their right.
At this point, Harry's activities had caught the attention of the class. They'd tried to fight off the Pixies, only for a little drip like Potter to get them to obey his orders.
"Potter!" Ron shouted, still hanging from the skeleton. "Get me down!"
Harry looked up with a smirk. "Sorry, Weasley... can't help you." He turned back to the Pixies. "Return to your cage! I'll take you down to Hagrid's later, so he can let you free!"
The Pixies, with a small amount of grumbling, took off, flying neatly back to their cage, where they resumed their parade ground rest.
Lockhart looked up from under his desk, seeing the danger had passed. The other students were warily climbing into their seats. "E-Excellent work, Mr. Potter..." He stammered. "Five points to Ravenclaw."
Harry nodded. "Thank you." He said politely.
"For homework, describe how you would have defeated the Pixie invasion." Gilderoy smarmed, before releasing the class.
As the group was leaving, Harry burst out laughing. "Pixie 'invasion'? That man's lost the plot... I mean, seriously. He calls a dozen mischievous little pixies as an 'invasion'?"
Harry led Hermione, Neville and Padma away from the classroom, only to stop when he came face-to-face with an irate Ron Weasley and Seamus Finnegan. In his hands, the cage of Pixies watched the confrontation with mischievous glee.
"Potter!" Ron snarled. "Why didn't you get me down?"
Harry smiled innocently. "You're a wizard, Weasley. Why couldn't you get yourself down?"
Ron blushed, but kept up his assault. "They took my wand!"
"So why didn't you get Finnegan there to help you down? Why should I get off my arse to help you? You've been nothing but rude to me since I arrived here."
Finnegan snarled. "You've been rude and arrogant, Potter! Parading around as if you're better than everyone else here."
Harry raised an eyebrow as he stared coolly at Seamus. The Irishman had been a fickle friend the first time around, and was proving to be a bit of an arse in this incarnation. "You can think what you want, Finnegan. Your opinion really doesn't mean shit to me."
He was about to turn and walk away, when a thought occurred. "How did your trip go, Weasley? I understand you managed to destroy your Dad's car, and get him a fine. What's the matter? Can't drive? Or are you just completely incompetent?"
Ron's wand was in hand, and Harry saw the spell-o-tape holding it together. He tutted. "Shame... nice wand like that... I hope it doesn't backfire on you."
"Eat slugs!" Ron intoned, flicking his wand. Just like last time, the spell-back fired, covering Ron with a sickly green light as he flew backwards. He opened his mouth to complain, only to have a six inch long slug fly out of his mouth.
Harry, Neville and Padma were on their knees, howling with laughter, while Hermione stood staring at the sight, a small grin battling to show itself on her face.
Seamus leaned down to come to his friend's aid, when another barrage of slugs erupted over his shoes. Harry started crying as his ribs protested, but he couldn't stop laughing. Seamus finished pulling Ron to his feet and leading him to the hospital wing.
Almost ten minutes later, Harry had himself under control. "Man... where's Colin with his camera when you really need him?" With the odd chuckle here and there, Harry picked up the cage of Pixies, and led his way outside.
After dropping off the Pixies, and retreating from Hagrid's offer of rock cakes, Harry disappeared into the kitchens. The House Elves quickly packaged up a basket of food for him, which he took back to the Ravenclaw common room. As he passed through, he saw his friends waiting on the sofas near the fire.
Making his way up to the dorm room, he dropped the basket onto his bed, and quickly scribbled a short note.
Dear Padfoot,
Enclosed is another basket of food for you. I trust that you're keeping yourself well, and not dwelling too much on your confinement. I know the Dementors can be a bitch to deal with, but focussing on something else can help save your sanity. Speaking of which, 17 Down, four letters: "elongated, soft-bodied invertebrate". It's been baffling me for ages... Keep the faith, Sirius.
Stripeclaw
He slapped the parchment onto the basket with a sticking charm, then turned the basket into a Portkey. With a tap of his wand, he sent it on it's way.
That reminds me... I'll need to get working on Grimmauld Place at some point this summer. When he breaks out, he'll need a safe place to go... Shit... need to deal with Kreacher. Little traitorous bastard... With those cheery thoughts in mind, Harry descended the stairs to the common room. He slumped on the sofa next to Hermione, taking her hand in his automatically. The touch calmed him, allowing him to speak to his friends without snapping.
"So... you're going to teach us Occlumency?" Blaise asked. "I've heard about it from my father. Apparently, it's an extremely potent discipline, and takes years to learn."
Harry nodded. "Yeah... I think we'd be better doing this in my dorm room." Harry said, glancing round. "There's a few too many people around for this discussion."
After retreating back to his bedchamber, Harry conjured chairs for everyone, and sat down. "Right, quick overview; Occlumency is an art of defending the mind from external penetration. Another benefit is that it allows the user to more accurately operate their mind, giving them increased attention span, improved memory retention, and faster thought processes."
"Why isn't it taught, then?" Hermione asked. "If it's so useful, why not teach it to everyone?"
"Occlumency is one of a pair of Mind Magic disciplines." Harry explained. "They're classified as 'restricted', because of the potential for abuse. Occlumency is the defence, while Legilimency is the attack."
"If it's restricted, should we be learning it?" Susan asked. "I mean... my Aunt's in the DMLE..."
"Learning Occlumency is not restricted, as such. It's frowned upon, because Legilimency is needed to test the shields. A skilled Legilimens can glean surface thoughts, just by looking into your eyes. Snape does this every time he can. One of the reasons he hates me with a fiery passion is that he can't scan me, since I'm already a reasonably proficient Occlumens."
"So, learning Occlumency is okay, but learning Legilimency is restricted?" Susan clarified.
"Yep." Harry wondered whether or not to reveal the next part. "Personally, and don't quote me on this, I think one of the reasons that Occlumency is not taught is because Dumbledore likes being able to scan students. I could be wrong, but it would make sense."
"Dumbledore probes students' minds?" Neville asked. "That's just wrong!"
"He doesn't do it often." Harry defended weakly. He could see Hermione gearing herself up for a rant. "But, that's beside the point. Teaching Occlumency is fine."
Harry drew his wand, and placed it on his bedside table. "There are two ways of teaching Occlumency. There's the 'vaccination' way, and the long, hard way. I'll explain both. The long hard way involves meditation to sort through your mind, moving your memories into files, which you then lock behind shields. This process can take quite a while, but the results are definitely worth it.
"The other way, what I call the 'vaccination' way is quicker, brutal, and remarkably inefficient. The teacher repeatedly attacks the mind, so that the body can build a natural defence against intrusions. However, during the process, the teacher is effectively mind-raping the student."
"Let's not do that." Padma said quietly.
"Of course not." Harry confirmed. Even though that's what Snape tried to do to me last time... "Now, once you've sorted your mind, and started to construct your shields, you can go a step further, and develop a mindscape. I've managed to do this. That's what I want to show you all tonight. Now, I can't do the Legilimens spell. I simply don't have the nack for it. So, I need you guys to perform Legilimens on me. Once you do, you'll be brought into my mind. I can then hold you there while I show you what you need to see."
Hermione, predictably, was the first to react. "Isn't that illegal?"
"No." Harry shook his head, grinning. "Teaching you how to be Legilimens is illegal. You using the spell to gain access to my mind in this way is permitted."
They group nodded. Luna cleared her throat quietly. "How do we do this?"
"Well, doing it one at a time would be very dull." Harry replied. "So, if you all place the tip of your wands on my forehead, and cast the spell together, hopefully, all seven of us should be inside my mindscape. Then I can show you around."
Susan began to cackle suddenly, rubbing her hands together. "Oh, this'll be fun!"
"Eh?" Harry asked.
"Harry, do you have any idea how many girls want the chance to get into your... mind?"
Groaning slightly, he grimaced at her. "Getting into my mind is one thing... it's the ones who want to get into my pants that are distressing. I've had people come up to me in the street offering me a blowjob... I mean, it's just not right. I'm twelve, and they... weren't."
Hermione gazed at him imperiously. "We'll talk about this later, Harry."
"Yes, ma'am." Harry replied meekly, before letting his backbone reassert itself. "Anyway, put your wands to my forehead, and let's get this show on the road."
Six pieces of wood pressed against his head, as six teens chanted "Legilimens!"
Hermione opened her eyes, and let out an 'eep' of panic. Never blessed with a love of heights, finding herself apparently floating in space was enough to induce a mild panic attack. After getting herself under control, she looked around the void, seeing the others floating close by.
"Well, this is... different." Padma said, looking round. "Where are we?"
"You're in my mind." A voice came from the darkness.
"Harry?" Hermione called out. "Where are you?"
"I'm right in front of you..."
"Where?" Blaise asked. "I can't see anything."
"That's the point." Harry's amused voice called out. "How can you attack something if you can't see it? The invisibility cloak is the first layer of defence."
"Well... can you remove it?" Hermione shouted.
In front of them, a massive saucer-shaped object appeared. It was far larger than them, at least fifty metres across, and almost twenty metres high.
"You may notice the green shimmer surrounding the ship, yeah?"
"Yeah..." All six of them murmured.
"Those are the primary shields. They can withstand a concentrated attack from the Legilimens. I'm going to lower them so you can get closer." The shimmer surrounding the object flickered and vanished. The ship, as Harry called it, manoeuvred closer, and turned. "There should be a door opening to the side. Come on it, but don't try to go any further."
"How do we move?" Blaise asked.
Luna shot by, floating gracefully through the void. "This is fun!" She yelled gleefully, grinning like a lunatic. She landed neatly on the edge of the door frame, before stepping forward. "This is cool, Harry."
"Remember, this is a mindscape. I make the rules here. Just picture yourselves moving forward."
With sheepish looks, the other five smooth sailed through space, landing on the deck. Behind them, the door that had opened slid shut. In front of them, another door opened. "Come on in. If you'll go down the corridor until you get to the third door on the left, I'll let you into the Pre-Frontal Cortex."
Moving cautiously down the corridor, they quickly approached the door. It opened, revealing a bright, spacious room. In the centre was a chair, with some kind of desk. All around the room were sleek consoles, lit up with information. What was truly amazing was that there was a person sitting at each console.
One figure, wearing a dark red bodysuit, approached them, wielding a long knife. "Identify!"
"Harry? What's going on?"
The figure sitting on the chair in the centre of the room turned round, smiling when he saw his friends. "Each of these figures represents a personality aspect." He gestured to the red-suited figure. "Tactical. A personification of my aggression and combat abilities." He pointed to a figure in green. "Medical. An anthropomorphic manifestation of my immune system and health." Another figure, wearing white. "Altruism." A figure in hot pink, which made the main-Harry wrinkle his nose. "The Counsellor. My emotions, made manifest. Suffice to say, he stays locked up, most of the time."
Hermione made her way over to him, running her hands through his messy hair. "Oh, you look good in pink, Harry."
Main-Harry just rolled his eyes. "There's a few others lurking about. I think paranoia's hiding in the bar. I know angst was crying in his quarters. Conscience was loitering in the core room a bit ago."
"This is really weird, Harry." Padma said, looking over the Medical console. "I mean... it's so detailed."
"I know. I don't normally see it this way, but it's a good way of making decisions if you allow your personality aspects to chew it over."
"So, you're entire mind's set up like this?" Hermione asked, still stroking her hands through the Counsellor's hair. He was purring at the attention.
"Pretty much. Come on, I'll show you guys to the computer room. That's where my memories are stored."
They followed the black-clad figure, who they found out was the gestalt being, into a room with a large monitor, and seven chairs.
"This is where my memories are stored. Obviously, unimportant stuff, like sitting in history of magic, are stored at the top, whereas more important things are kept lower down. They can be accessed pretty easily, if you know the passwords."
He led them on to another room. Inside this was a massive glowing blue column of energy. "The core room. This shows my magical core." He pointed to a thick beam of energy, a tiny fraction of the main column. "That stream of magic is what maintains the shields outside. Each time I cast a spell, energy gets diverted from the core."
"What's the point of all this, though?" Blaise asked. "Yeah, it looks pretty, but what does it do?"
"Control, Blaise." Harry replied. "I can access any memory I choose. I have near-perfect recall thanks to this. By setting up my mindscape, and performing several different exercises, I'm able to increase my connection to my magic, meaning that I can cast spells easier, and also more efficiently. Plus, my secrets are safe and secure."
"But... who's gonna try and access your secrets, Harry?" Hermione asked. "It's not like there's loads of enemies about?"
"Oh, but there are." Harry replied. "Snape has tried over a hundred times to gain access to my mind. Each time, he's been defeated. Dumbledore tries every so often, but he gets repelled. When Quirrell was possessed last year by Voldemort, he tried to gain entry. This is one of the reasons I do so well in class. I can read a book with almost perfect recall. I can work on magical control. This is what I want to teach you. You won't all suddenly develop into a super-powered version of yourselves, but you'll gain control over you magic, possibly even equal to Dumbledore."
"That's not possible." Hermione stated. "Dumbledore's the greatest wizard in the world."
Harry looked torn between ripping into the old bastard, and acknowledging his accomplishments. "All right... let me put it another way. Who is more powerful, magically speaking; Dumbledore, or Voldemort?"
"Dumbledore." Susan replied quickly. "He's the only wizard You-Know-Who was afraid of."
"Do you all agree?"
The group nodded slowly, except for Hermione, who looked pensive.
"Well, Voldemort has way more raw power than Dumbledore. I mean, a lot more. Possibly as much as a third."
"Then... why was You-Know-Who afraid of Dumbledore?" Susan asked.
"Dumbledore has far greater control than Voldemort. Yeah, old Snake Face can throw a lot of powerful curses, and his shields are top notch, but that's about all he does. Dumbledore uses his skills to make up the difference."
Hermione nodded. "So... Dumbledore can't match Voldemort for power, but using tricks and skill, can draw him to a standstill."
"In a word, yes. Now, picture a wizard with Voldemort's power and Dumbledore's control and knowledge, and you've got a pretty scary opponent. With training, I think all of you could be a match to Dumbledore."
Harry smiled. "Now... do any of you know how to get out?"
The group shook their heads. "In that case... Leave!" He shouted, banishing them backwards.
Hermione opened her eyes, noting that she was lying on the floor in Harry's dorm room. Around her, her other six friends were beginning to stir.
Luna began giggling. "That was fun!"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Only you would think swimming through my mind could be 'fun', Luna." He turned to Hermione. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Hermione replied after a moment, then she grinned at him. "I know what I'm getting you for Christmas, though... one of those hot-pink suits. You looked so cute!"
Rolling his eyes again, Harry snorted at her. "I'll never wear it." He returned his attention to the group as a whole. "Now, I've got some literature for you to read, so you can learn how to start the process. For the moment, don't look Snape or Dumbledore in the eyes. They can pluck surface thoughts from your mind."
He passed out the duplicated books, and was about to send them back to their common rooms, when Susan spoke up. "Harry?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you... do you think you could teach us to fight?"
He looked at her imperiously. "Why, Susan?"
She blushed, but looked up at him. "Well... I'm, uh... I'm starting to receive some... unwanted attention, from some of the older students."
Harry looked at her blankly. 113 years old or not, he still could not understand the vagaries of a 12-year old girl's mind.
"She means," Luna said, smiling dreamily, "that now she is developing breasts, she's being stared at by people."
Ah, Luna... once again, you say things as they really are. Harry thought, staring at Susan's face, while Neville and Blaise's eyes dropped for a fraction of a second. "I'm not exactly an expert at hand-to-hand combat, Sue. I just know a few moves that can make a difference."
"Can you teach us?" Hermione and Padma asked. Being intelligent young women, they knew that the possibility of encountering a gentleman with less than honourable intentions was always a possibility.
Sighing, Harry nodded. "Yeah... I'll need to set something up, but I can teach you what little I know."
As he lay down to bed that evening, he pondered what he had begun.
I've been trying to keep the timeline mostly intact... and here I am, buggering it up completely. I still have to deal with Dobby, Lockhart's crap teaching, being exposed as a Parselmouth, having the school shun me, the attacks on Muggleborns by Blink... Hagrid's removal, Fudge's incompetence, Malfoy... and this doesn't even cover doing my school work.
I am so fucked, it's untrue...
With that comforting thought in mind, Harry fell into a troubled sleep.