Chapter 7: The Dark Log
Disclaimer: I didn't write this . . . a . . . um . . . lawn gnome did.
The Dark Log
"What's this?" Dumbledore smiled as Hedwig flew through his window, "and he's sending me new Lemon Drops as an apology for what he did to my other lemon drops."
"Hoot," Hedwig agreed.
"Why what a remarkable bird," Dumbledore admired Hedwig's plumage. "Very intelligent eyes too."
"Hoot?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled and Hedwig's narrowed, she wasn't going to let him beat her in a staring contest. "HOOT."
The old wizard dodged out of the way, not soon enough to keep his hat but soon enough to keep his head.
Satisfied that she had dealt with the interloper, Hedwig vaporised a few pieces of furniture and then a section of wall. Flying out the new exit, Hedwig vaporised a few small birds and disappeared into a low cloud bank . . . which she then proceeded to vaporise.
"That was close," Dumbledore breathed a sigh of relief. "Now let's get back to these lemon drops . . . hmmm . . . I wonder what LSD is? Harry says that he has added a large quantity of the stuff to my new lemon drops . . . well, no matter."
IIIIIIIIII
"I still don't understand why you're going to the world cup," Sirius frowned. "I just don't get it."
"hordes of Veela, the fact that I already know the outcome and can bet on that." Harry smirked, "and the chance to do something I've always wanted to do . . ."
"I don't want to hear it," Sirius frowned. "I never get any hordes of veela and I'm not allowed to gamble."
"Why not?" Harry's eyebrows raised, "did my mother forbid you from doing that too?"
"Yes," Sirius pouted. "She said that I wasn't to be a bad example and she gave me a list of things that I was no longer allowed to do."
"Oh . . . am I allowed to gamble?"
"Yes," Sirius nodded. "She thought it was manly to make high stakes wagers . . . especially if you already knew the outcome."
"Oh . . . ok," Harry shrugged. "I've gotta go see some veela about a harem."
"Have fun," Sirius continued to pout. "I'll just sit here and sip my non alcoholic drink."
"Mum again?"
"Yes," Sirius started crying.
"I'll just leave you to that then," Harry whistled as he walked away. Harry had placed his wager and was half way to the the veela pen when he froze . . . why was Sirius still obeying his mother's commands when she'd been dead for years? And . . . come to think about it, why had he listened to her in the first place? Making a mental note to worry about it later, Harry knocked on the door to the room containing his future harem girls.
"Yes?" A veela answered the door with a raised eyebrow, "what do you want?"
"I was hoping to pass out these pamphlets," Harry held up a stack of papers. "It's a recruitment ad for joining my harem."
"And just why would we want to join you harem little boy?" The veela smirked.
"First of all," Harry smiled. "It's all in the pamphlets, second of all . . . well, let's just say that there's nothing little about me."
"I . . . see," the veela's eyes widened in shock as she glanced at the pamphlet's first page. "What makes you think that you can handle a harem?"
"I've already got a harem," Harry smirked. "Who do you think printed out the pamphlets?"
"And they don't mind the fact that you're adding veela to it?"
"Page two forty three," Harry patted the woman on the shoulder. "And I printed a small map on the back with directions to my tent."
"Oh . . . oh . . . OOOOOh," the veela blushed.
"See you later," Harry smiled. "I have to get a few things arranged for the big show later tonight."
"The game?"
"After the game," Harry leered. "And before I introduce you all to the other girls in the harem."
The hours passed and the game went exactly the way it had in the previous time line . . . odd when you think about it, one would have guessed that all of Harry's meddling would have made things come out differently but it didn't and Harry made quite a bit of money from the payout on his wagers. The veela came to Harry's tent and Harry introduced them to the other girls and all was going well till the sounds of a hundred panicking wizards disturbed their . . . shall we say activities.
"Be right back," Harry grabbed his wand. "Just have to take care of something."
"What are you going to do?" One of the exhausted veela managed to raise her head.
"Nothing much," Harry stepped out of the tent and took a moment to admire the dark mark floating in the sky before he set to work. "I wonder if I can do this to all the marks? Ah well, back to the girls."
Harry walked back into the tent as the panicked screams turned to incredulous and disgusted stares. Beside the dark mark was an effige of the headmaster . . . sans clothing. The assorted crowds watched in shock as the headmaster image grabbed the green skull and proceeded to skull fuc . . . stop right now, this fic will not have its rating go up. Ahem, as the headmaster's image grabbed the green skull and proceeded to . . . do things to what had once been a feared symbol. As in interesting side note, the river of vomit that was spewed from the hundreds of assembled mouths sunk into the earth and contaminated the water supply for several months . . . but that's another story.
IIIIIIIIII
It was time to go back to Hogwarts so Harry was on the train to school and resting in his private train car surrounded by his many female companions and wondered for a moment if he had finally gotten enough revenge, if he could finally put the past behind him and work towards a new future unhindered by the baggage of his past life . . . naaaah, he still had lots of grief to spread around and lots of havoc to cause.
"Hello Potty," Draco yanked open the door and glared at his arch nemesis. "I had to spend the entire summer with my mother and aunt because of you . . . do you know what they did?"
"I have an idea," Harry leaned back to rest his head on a rather shapely lap. "I'm the one that loaned them all those books . . . have you been doing the exercises in chapter three of the untitled black book?"
"That was you?" Draco paled for a second then turned red with anger. "How could you have let something like that fall into their hands?"
"After reading the description of what those exercises will do?" Harry asked incredulously, "how could I not."
"Fight me," Draco demanded.
"I don't think Ron would like it if I roughed up his girl," Harry waved the boy . . . make that girl off. "But I'm sure that you'll be able to find someone to rough you up so that Ron can prove what a good boyfriend he is by beating them up."
"Arrrg," Draco stormed off.
"Harry that's mean," Hermione scolded. "What did Ron do to you?"
"He snores," Harry frowned. "And I had to put up with it through the first time around . . . he should be happy that I still consider him a friend and have decided not to do any of the nastier things I had planned."
Draco stormed out of the compartment and found another to sulk in . . . what was he going to do? How was he going to deal with this? Suddenly Draco's shoulders straightened, father . . . he could write to his father and everything would go back to the way it was before . . . or, better yet . . . everything would go back to better than it was before.
IIIIIIIIII
Lucius looked up from his desk as a large regal owl flew into the window and fell to the ground. Opening the window, he summoned the creature with a well placed summon and pulled the note off its leg.
"WHAT?" The head of the Malfoy family's eyes shot up as he read Draco's letter, "oh . . . that's a relief. I thought it said Wesley, looks like Draco spelled Weasley wrong . . . for a second there I was worried that he . . . she was going to marry a non pureblood. Well, back to my plans and nefarious deeds."
Lucius tossed the dead owl into the conveniently placed owl disposal unit and closed the window. "Hmmm, maybe I could enchant some sort of towel to become alive . . . and . . . have it make the Potter boy smoke something hmmm."
His musings were cut short by another owl ending it's life on the regularly cleaned window.
"What is it now," Lucius summoned the owl and removed the note . . . again. "Draco again?"
Lucius pulled out a piece of parchment and began writing.
Dear Draco,
I would like you to stop writing me, the constant sound of owls crashing into my window is starting to interrupt my thought process. I understand that you are unhappy at your mother's choice of a potential husband for her new daughter and the fact that your aunt saw fit to change you into a girl. I would like to point out that tradition demands that the mother be responsible for determining the matches in a family and the fact that I sold your mother into a harem does not change that fact. I realise that you might be worried that your betrothed has no means to support you, he is a Weasley after all. If this is a concern then I bid you to set your mind at ease as I have already arranged a rather substantial dowry and you need not worry about sinking into poverty.
Your father
Lucius Malfoy
Tossing the dead owl onto the pile, Lucius looked over his letter in approval. "She needs to learn that tradition is more important than her silly wish to be turned back into a boy and given a harem."
Sealing the envelope, Lucius tied it to the leg of his owl and sent it on to take the message to his son . . . make that daughter.
Minutes later, Draco's anguished scream woke up all of Hogwarts.
IIIIIIIIII
"Sirius," Harry swallowed.
"Yes Harry," Sirius looked up.
"Just why are you so afraid of my mother?" Harry blinked, "and why are you still listening to what she's ordered you to do even after she's dead?"
"You know that spell you used on Wormtail?" Sirius shuddered, "she invented that . . . and many many more, let's just say that she got inventive when she was angry and she had a redhead's temper. . . make that a very intense horrible and absolutely insane red head's temper. Be happy that she was quick to calm or you'd have never been born."
"Oh . . . that still doesn't explain why you still listen to her," Harry pointed out.
"She was always threatening to train a house elf and have it keep an eye on me," Sirius glanced around nervously. "And I don't know if she ever did it . . . if she did then I lose my boys after I make one wrong move."
"That's not good," Harry glanced around nervously.
"You don't have to worry about it," Sirius blinked away tears. "The elf would have thought you were manly and helped you get your harem."
"So couldn't I just order it not to do anything to you?" Harry perked up.
"No," Sirius shook his head. "It wouldn't listen to you . . . on the plus side, Lily's rules are what got me through prison in such good shape.
"How do you figure that?" Harry's eyebrows shot up.
"Azkaban wasn't so bad after living with Lily's rules for a few years," Sirius shrugged. "And sometimes," he glanced around nervously. "The witch in the cell across from mine would take off her clothes and give me a show . . . granted she was in her nineties but still . . ."
"I did not need to get that mental image," Harry gagged.
"Sorry," Sirius drooped. "But it's the most action I've gotten since I angered your mother that one time."
"Oh," Harry nodded. "Sucks to be you, have a nice night."
"You too Harry," Sirius sighed. "You too."
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry," Dumbledore paused for dramatic effect. "You must compete in the tournament."
"Say what now?" Harry turned away from the giggling French contingent, "the hat didn't even call my name . . . and I'm far too busy recruiting all these French girls into my harem, have someone else do it."
"Um . . ." Dumbledore bit his lower lip, this wasn't the response he was expecting. "Every tournament, one of the Headmasters will appoint an extra competitor and . . . um . . . I'm picking you."
"Screw that," Harry scoffed. "I'm way too busy with my harem, you'll have to do better than that."
"How about I teach you some of my brother's spells," Dumbledore leaned back. "They're quite powerful."
"I don't need goats," Harry shook his head. "I've got a harem . . . of girls."
"I see," the Headmaster looked around. "Would you like Professor Snape to join this harem of yours?"
"NO," Harry had to suppress his gag reflex. "Where are you getting these ideas?"
"Just winging it," the Headmaster admitted with a frown. "I've been far too busy convincing people that the figure molesting the dark mark was my brother."
"You mean it wasn't?" Harry called out in false shock, "hey everyone the pervert was the headmaster after all."
"Moving right along," the Headmaster had to raise his voice to drown out the sound of vomiting that Harry's bringing the image back into everyone's mind had caused. "I've . . . got an idea."
"What's that?" Harry smirked, "you gonna offer to memory charm everyone to forget the image of you and the dark mark? Then offer me all the money you make from charging people large amounts to perform the afore mentioned charms?"
"Yes?" Dumbledore shrugged, it was much better than his idea . . . now he got to keep the lemon drop flavored socks."
"You'll have to pay me quite a bit," Harry's smirk grew. "I've got a rather large harem to support."
"I think you'll find my offer to be quite satisfactory," Dumbledore rubbed his hands together. "And by satisfactory, I mean really big."
"Cool," Harry nodded. Looked like that latest batch of Lemon Drops was doing what they were suppose to do.
And So Harry agreed to compete in the tournament.
IIIIIIIIII
"Sirius," Harry ran up to his godfather. "I've got an idea of how you can check to see if that house elf is following you and waiting to enact my mother's terrible instructions."
"Yes?" Sirius perked up.
"Just break on of the minor rules and see if anything happens," Harry nodded proudly. "If nothing happens then you know that there isn't an evil house elf."
"Oh," Sirius sagged. "I've already thought of that . . . won't work."
"Why not?" Harry couldn't understand it.
"Well for one thing . . . there were no minor rules," Sirius sighed. "And for another, I've already tried that."
"What happened?"
"I was sent to Azkaban for several years," Sirius shrugged. "Not sure if an elf was responsible but it happened the day after got drunk."
"Oh," Harry nodded. "You sure it was a house elf that got you sent to Azkaban?"
"You sure it wasn't?" Sirius countered, "I'd rather live a pale shadow of a life than . . . the alternative."
"I guess," Harry shook his head. "Man Mom was a real sadist."
"She was one of the kindest people I ever knew," Sirius wiped off a tear. "Until the . . . incident, after that . . . well, let's just say that she could keep a grudge better then anyone I ever knew."
IIIIIIIIII
"Don't forget Master," Wormtail simpered. "You promised me some new . . . equipment."
"Yes I know," the Dark Lord's spirit hissed. "Still don't understand why you want them made out of silver."
"It's so I can use it as a weapon against Lupin," Wormtail's eyes shifted. "He'll die by my hand . . . figuratively speaking of course, it won't actually be my hand but rather . . ."
"Silence," the Dark Lord screamed. "I don't want to know about your sick fantasies."
"And can you make it bigger master?" Wormtail asked hopefully, "I want it to really hurt when I . . ."
"I SAID SILENCE," the Dark Lord's spirit was starting to wonder if hell would be so bad . . . couldn't be worse than listening to Wormtail's sick plans.
"Yes master," Wormtail sulked. "But since you won't let me talk about my plans for Lupin . . ."
"What is it Wormtail," he cursed the fact that he couldn't use his favorite spell in this form . . . no, no the crucio wasn't enough punishment for having those evil images implanted into his head . . . he was going to have to invent something more effective.
"Since you won't let me talk about things, then why don't we just skip to the first task?"
"Fine," the dark lord's spirit gave a spectral shrug. "Do it."
IIIIIIIIII
"HOOT," Hedwig vaporised a large piece of ground in front of the rampaging dragon . . . let's just say that the first task wasn't much of a problem and move on to the second task . . .
"How long has he been down there?" McGonagall was worried about the son of her favorite students.
"He's still got time," Dumbledore assured his staff member. "Don't worry."
As if by magic . . . heh heh, get it? Harry appeared with another arm full of girls.
"I thought you said the person I would miss most?" Harry carried them out of the lake and put them with the others, "at this rate I'll be doing this all day."
"When we went to the harem to pick one of the girls . . . well they found out what we were going to do and they all insisted on coming," Dumbledore shrugged. "None of them wanted to be left behind."
"I hate you," Harry sighed and turned back to the lake. "Can't we just say I won and get the others out?"
"We still have to wait for the other two competitors to surface," Dumbledore protested. "After that we can retrive the rest of your harem."
"Fine," Harry dove back into the icy water. At the very least he'd have to rescue Fleur so that she could participate in this event.
And so finally, we skip to the final task.
Harry grabbed the cup and felt the pull of the portkey.
"We've got you now Potter," the Death Eaters rubbed their hands in glee. "There's no escape for you now."
"I don't think so," Harry smiled. "I brought some friends."
"Oh no," most of the death eaters wet themselves in fear. "It's Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad."
"And Bad Pie Roody," another death eater exclaimed causing the rest to befoul their own pants. "The most dangerous pastry chef in all the world."
"Ahem," Mad Eye looked around.
"Sorry Moody," one of the death eater shrugged. "But with the crime fighting trio of Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad, not to mention your cousin . . . well . . . we're just not worried about you."
"Yeah," one of the death eaters agreed. "It'd be like being trapped in a room with a ravenous blood thirsty killer and a tax man. Normally you'd be worried about the ravenous blood thirsty killer but well . . . when he's around the tax man he just doesn't seem too scary."
"Can we get on with this?" Harry looked at his watch. "I have plans for later."
"Oh, sorry." The death eaters blushed, "now where were we . . . oh right. Ahem . . . oh no, he's brought friends."
"That's right," Harry nodded. "Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, and Explisivo Castrado."
"HOOT, HOOT, HOOT, HOOT." Hedwig optic blasted several death eaters.
"Croak," Trevor gave a mighty war cry as he threw himself into battle.
"Squeak," Foamy ripped off a death eater's nose.
"Constant Vigilance"
"Constant Flatulence"
Moody and Roody added their own . . . unique war cries.
After killing . . . or worse most of the death eaters, Harry and his posse grabbed the cup and returned to Hogwarts.
"What has happened Harry?" Dumbledore smirked, everything was going according to plan.
"That fourth task was amazing," Harry replied with enthusiasm.
"Fourth Task?" Dumbledore had a sinking feeling that everything was not going according to plan.
"You know," Harry smirked. "The one where you drop me off in an abandoned cemetery where I kill a bunch of death eaters . . . it was great."
"So nothing bad happened?" Dumbledore was starting to sweat.
"Like what?" Harry looked up innocently.
"Like . . . well I don't know," Dumbledore scratched his beard. "Voldemort getting a new body?"
"Nope," Harry shook his head. "Nothing like that happened."
"Oh . . . carry on then," Dumbledore's shoulders slumped and he began to walk away.
IIIIIIIIII
Later that night, Harry was on his way to his wing of the castle when he became aware that he was being followed.
"Man," Harry shook his head. "What am I going to do with this vial of unwillingly taken blood? I guess I'll just put it here . . . hope no one finds it . . . I'll bet it could be used in all sorts of evil rituals."
A few feet away and hidden in the shadows, Draco smirked. The dark lord would grant him a handsome reward for this and soon he would be the one with the giant harem . . . and male again, can't forget that.
As he walked away, Harry just wondered what effect a bunch of willingly given tabasco sauce would have on the ritual.
IIIIIIIIII
"What's happened to me?" The Dark Lord looked at his new form in horror, "who is responsible for this?"
The surrounding death eaters covered their noses and fought hard to keep from gagging, the most feared dark lord of the time was a giant log of . . . human waste.
"Don't take this the wrong way Master," one of the death eaters spoke up. "But I'm not going to be kissing the hem of your robe."
"No . . . no I suppose not," the dark log looked down at himself. "To be quite frank I was never into this sort of thing."
"I'll kiss your robe master," another death eater spoke up he was into that sort of thing.
"I see," the dark log had to hold down a stream of . . . well, in a normal human it would be called vomit. Not sure what it would be in this case and I would rather not speculate. "Kill him . . . any new business?"
"No master," the death eaters shook their heads.
"WHAT?" The dark log's . . . eyes. . . how should I put this? I guess I should say . . . maybe that they became dark and angry, "CRUCIO . . . of course there's new business you fools."
"What is it master?" One of the cowering death eaters asked nervously.
"Changing me to a form better then this," the dark log shook his head . . . maybe that book was right and it wasn't such a good idea to kill off all of his intelligent minions.
Chapter 8: That's Icky
I've got the strangest feeling that I'm forgetting something," Harry scratched his chin. "Let's see . . . built up giant harem, made everyone's life a living hell . . . made a lot of money . . . hmmm."
"Well . . . you killed that Basilisk?" Hermione asked, "Did you ever get around to making even more gold with your philosopher's stone?"
"No and yes," Harry nodded. "That's it, thanks Hermione."
"Wait," Hermione's nose wrinkled. "I thought you used some sort of spell that shot soup out its nose."
"Yep," Harry nodded. "I thought that would do it but I guess that the snake was too tough for that spell and I'm going to have to go take care of it now, and this time I'm going to do it the way I did it before and should have done it the last before . . . thanks again."
"No problem," Hermione stretched out. "Why don't you go kill it now, you deserve a break after what you did."
"I'll go get Fawks," Harry nodded.
"Bye Harry," Hermione watched as Harry disentangled himself from the arms of several dozen sleeping girls.
Taking care not to wake them, Harry stepped over several dozen more sleeping girls on his way out of the room.
"I was afraid that I was going to wake them," Harry gave a relieved sigh and began walking towards the girl's toilet. "I'm sure that Fawks and the hat will just magically appear when I need them, thus sparing me the trouble of having to go to the Headmaster's office."
It took Harry several minutes to reach the girls toilet and Fawks was waiting for him when he arrived.
"Sorry I'm late," Harry blushed. "But one of the girls that was about to graduate wanted to join my Harem before she lost the chance . . . and . . . well . . ."
The phoenix gave a mournful chirp, no . . . he didn't know.
"Well," Harry shrugged. "I'm sure you'll find someone."
Fawks gave another chirp.
"Yes I understand how hanging around the Headmaster would cramp your style," Harry patted the phoenix on the head. "How about if you and I go out and find some chicks after this?"
The phoenix gave an angry chirp and glared at Harry.
"Not that kind of chicks," Harry smiled. "It's slang for hot girls, I'm suggesting that we go get some action."
The phoenix paused for a moment and then gave a slow nod.
"Cool," Harry grabbed the hat and pulled out the sword. "Let's do this thing."
The ride down the sink and the walk to the chamber were mostly the same, but when the Basilisk appeared . . . well . . . that's when things started to get weird.
"Yeah Fawks kick his butt," Harry cheered. "Wait that's . . . oh god . . . I'll just . . . I'll just leave you two alone then."
Harry turned pale and walked back to his wing of the castle.
"Did you kill the Basilisk?" The girls all gathered round, eager to hear of his great exploits.
"I don't want to talk about it," Harry closed his eyes. "I poured water in my eyes but they won't get clean."
"Poor baby," the girls cuddled Harry. "Tell us all about it."
Fawks wasn't seen for two days, to Harry's great relief and to several other people's great worry. When he did show up again, it was in Harry's wing of the castle and clutched in his talons was a large basket filled with eggs.
"What have you got there?" The girls all clustered around the basket.
"Crimes against nature," Harry muttered.
"Are these for us?" The girls squealed with delight as Fawks presented each one of them with an egg. "Thank you Fawks."
The phoenix gave one more happy chirp before making his exit in a ball of flame.
"This one's starting to hatch," one of the girls cried out.
"Mine too," Hermione smiled. "They're all hatching."
"It's so cute," one of the girls cuddled her Basilisk Phoenix crossbreed. "What is it?"
"I've never read of anything like it," Hermione agreed as she cuddled one of the adorable crimes against nature. "What is it Harry?"
"All I'm going to say is that the Basilisk was female and Fawks was lonely," Harry shuddered.
"But . . ."
"ALL I'M GOING TO SAY," Harry shouted out and suppressed his memory of the event . . . and his gag reflex.
IIIIIIIIII
"Wormtail," the dark log looked around. "Where are you?"
"He bled to death my lord," one of the braver death eaters spoke up.
"Right," the dark log nodded. "Forgot about that . . . well, get him some silver . . . equipment and toss him in a shallow grave. Never let it be said that Voldemort doesn't keep his word."
"As you say my log," the death eater agreed. "May I steal the silver . . . equipment after I toss him in the shallow grave?"
"Why not," the dark log was much mellower than the dark lord had been. "I said he could have them and not that he could keep them . . . and I want ten percent."
"As you say my log," the death eater bowed.
IIIIIIIIII
"Luna," Harry smiled at one of the many girls in his harem.
"Yes Harry?" Luna blinked.
"You know all those strange creatures that you've been searching for?"
"Yes?" Luna nodded.
"Did you ever think to check the old pure blood libraries?" Harry smiled, "I'd think that they'd have all sorts of rare books and they might even have a reference that you can use."
"Thank you Harry," Luna smiled. "That suggestion may very well be all we need to embark on a program of research that will eventually lead to uncovering the truth."
"Glad I could help," Harry smiled. "Just tell me if you want a look at any Potter books, and I'm sure that Sirius would let you look at any books in the Black library."
"Thank you Harry," Luna nodded. "That will be very helpful."
Dear Father,
Harry has just given me the most wonderful idea. He suggested that we look through the old private library to find any references to the things that we are looking for. He has already offered the use of the Potter and Black library.
Your loving daughter
Luna
IIIIIIIIII
"Yes?" Lucius Malfoy answered his door with a scowl. "What is it?"
"I was hoping that I could get a look at your library," the Head of the Lovegood clan answered with a smile."
"No," Lucius slammed the door . . . he really needed to get a new house elf.
"Oh dear," Lovegood shook his head. "My little Luna will be so disappointed . . . unless."
Three minutes later the Malfoy mansion was burning, the Lovegood library had tripled in size, and Lucius learned why it is never a good idea to tell a dangerously insane ex unspeakable that he can't have something that will make his daughter happy.
Let's just call it a learning experience, and Lucy proved that he was a great businessman by turning his misfortune into a source of profit by selling the information about why mansions were suffering mysterious fires. As a side note, though the Lovegood library became the largest private library in wizarding England, no mention of any of the creatures that the Lovegood family was looking for. The original plan was to return the books to their proper owners . . . until Hermione found out about them. Let's just say that not even dangerously insane ex-unspeakables were stupid enough to get between Hermione and her dream of owning the largest private library in England.
IIIIIIIIII
Back in Harry's wing of the castle, Crookshanks watched the unbeatable trio of Foamy, Laser Owl, and the Kung Fu Toad rush off into another exciting adventure. For a few moments, he entertained the idea of joining their team . . . the addition of his amazing powers would make them unbeatable and evil would tremble at their approach. Then he realised that there wasn't any money in it, he then entertained the idea of becoming their arch nemesis . . . the world would shake and his bank account would grow. He then remembered that he was a cat, being a super criminal would really cut into his nap time . . . and with that, Crookshanks went back to sleep.
"There you are," Hermione lifted the large feline. "Mummy missed you so much, let's get you some yummy tuna."
Yep, Crookshanks mused to himself. Why in the hell should I become a Super Hero or Super Criminal when I can sleep for twenty three hours a day and have her bring me lots of yummy tuna? It just doesn't make sense.
"And after that," Hermione continued. "I'll brush you and give you some cream."
"Don't take too long," one of the other girls spoke up. "The scene on the train where Harry decides what to do this summer is coming up."
"I'll have plenty of time," Hermione smiled. "I've still got that time turner that hasn't been mentioned until now."
"Have fun then," the other girl went back to brushing her hair.
IIIIIIIIII
"Well," Harry and his group of girls took over a train car on their way back to the station. "I just won a big trophy and a bunch of money . . . what should I do this summer?"
"Don't forget about the horrible crime against nature you witnessed in the Chamber of Secrets," Luna spoke up.
"Oh god," Harry's eyes squeezed shut and his stomach rebelled. "Why did you have to remind me of that."
"Because you look so cute when you're about to vomit," Luna gave a dreamy smile.
"You haven't framed your cousin and uncle for any crimes lately have you?" Hermione asked with a smile, "and I don't recall you getting your revenge on Fudge."
"I could do that," Harry gave a slow nod.
"And we have the perfect idea on how to start," Hermione smiled.
"Oh?" Harry raised an eyebrow.
"We were feeling kind of left out," the girls blushed.
"Well . . . what do you suggest?"
"We placed an add in teen witch," Luna gave an evil smile. "With a picture of Fudge without any clothes on."
"I think I'm gonna be sick again," Harry paled.
"Oh goody," Luna perked up.
"And I know I'm gonna regret asking . . . how did you get pictures of Fudge sans clothing?"
"We asked Bella for one of her copies," another girl replied. "She has blackmail material on everyone."
"Oh," Harry did not want to hear anything more. "What else have you done so far?"
"Well," Luna began. "We took out a full page add and wrote a little caption below it . . . actually, it was mummy that wrote it."
"What did she write?"
"She wrote that he was looking for a soul mate . . . or a group of soul mates," Luna smirked. "Turn ons include . . ."
"Embezzling ministry funds," Hermione cut in.
"Concealing things from the public," Ginny smiled.
"And a public that's willing to think for themselves," Luna finished. "Turn offs include . . ."
"Dark Lords," Hermione smirked.
"Telling the truth," Ginny smiled.
"And any woman that is considered attractive by the narrow minded patriarchal society that we currently live in due to my refusal to follow established patterns," Luna finished.
"Luna's mother came up with that last line," Hermione explained.
"Mummy wanted to thank you for saving her," Luna gave Harry a peck on the cheek. "I hate to think of what would have happened to me and daddy without her around to keep things from being too dull."
"Glad I could Help," Harry blinked. "Well, I guess I could frame the Dursleys for a few more crimes."
"We did that too," Hermione shrugged. "Like I said . . .we didn't have much to do."
"What did you do to them?"
"I found a finger print charm in the library," Hermione's smile turned evil. "It lets me replicate any print on anything."
"Where did you get the prints?" Harry was starting to think that the whole Harem idea was showing unexpected benefits.
"My dad's a policeman," another girl spole up.
"Oh . . . procede."
"Well," Hermione smiled. "Let's just say that Luna's parents haven't finished thanking you."
"Mummy does a lot of traveling," Luna perked up again. "As a reporter she visits muggle crime scenes . . . the Dursleys are now connected to several failed robberies and the theft of several statues in Nigeria."
"Oh . . . you haven't done anything to Dumbledore yet have you?" Harry was starting to worry that he'd have to go back over his revenge list.
"Not yet," Hermione shook her head.
"Send him an invitation to a party I'm having next week," Harry smirked. "And be sure to have the press attend."
"You hate the press?" Luna's eyebrows came together, "you're always saying that they're a bunch of idiots and that if they had any kind of ability they'd be able to get jobs as sewage transporters."
"They have their uses," Harry shrugged. "And you do know that I wasn't talking about you or your family when I said that don't you?"
"Yes," Luna nodded. "We're a respectable bunch of Journalists . . . not the hack tabloid reporters that you were talking about."
"Good," Harry rubbed his hands together. "Bwahahahahahaha."
"Bwahahahahahaha," Luna joined in.
"Why are you laughing evilly like that?" Hermione interrupted the fun.
"Because it's fun," Luna replied. "All together now."
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
AN: I made the Basilisk female so I could make the little crimes against nature. If I had made the Basilisk male then you would have had to read several bad 'flaming' puns.
Chapter 9 - The Return of Fudge Kinda
Wait," Harry paused. "Wasn't Fudge killed in a mysterious accident?"
"He came back as a zombie or something," Hermione shrugged. "You should really keep track of these things Harry."
"I suppose," Harry frowned. "Zombie?"
"Or maybe it wasn't really him that got killed or maybe it was all a dream," Hermione was starting to get annoyed. "Soap operas do it all the time so why can't we?"
"I guess . . ."
"And now back to our regularly scheduled fic," Luna entered and ended the conversation.
IIIIIIIIII
"I have some exciting news," the evil lawyer smiled. "You won all your lawsuits and you're even richer . . . horay for us."
"Yay," the girls cheered.
"Wow," Harry blinked. "That was easy."
"Only took a few chapters," the Lawyer nodded. "Not too bad if I do say so myself."
"Good job evil lawyer," Harry smiled. "I guess I can cancel that hit I had out on you."
"What hit?" The lawyer frowned.
"No hit," Harry gestured behind his back to his all female ninja force telling them to cancel their mission. "Just joking."
"Oh . . . ok," the lawyer shrugged. "Now that I've bankrupted the dark lord and all of his minions . . . what should I do now?"
"Sue Dumbledore?" Harry suggested.
"Sure . . . why not," the lawyer nodded. "And I'm sure I can sue a lot of other people too, Snape, your relatives, the newspapers, the Minister, the Ministry, and maybe that moron of a divination teacher."
"Have fun," Harry nodded. "Now lets all go get ice cream."
"Yay," the girls cheered.
Thirty minutes later, a ravenous horde of Harry's Harem girls descended on Diagon Alley's only ice cream shop . . . there would be no survivors. And by no survivors I mean that they ate all the ice cream, so I guess that the whole no survivors thing refers to the ice cream and not any sort of life . . . unless of course you consider ice cream a living thinking organism which I do. You see, I think food tastes better when it has a mother that will miss it. Yes, I want my food to have traveled a slaughter house conveyor belt and then get chopped into little pieces by members of the meat packers union . . . or non union, a neighborhood butcher is just as good . . . actually a neighborhood butcher is better, you know the guy that's chopping your food up and if need be you can go to his house and kill him if he gives you a bad cut. Then you can take it to his butcher shop and grind it up into hamburger meat and sell it to dumb tourists as long pork . . . not that I've ever done that . . . um . . . let's just get back to the story shall we? Why don't you all just forget I ever said anything?
So . . . as I was saying . . .
The girls filled the ice cream shop and it was doing the best business it had in years, their entire years supply was sold out in a matter of minutes.
"Harry," Dumbledore burst into the room. "You must go live with your relatives."
"Lemon drop?" Harry held out his hand.
"No," Dumbledore managed to resist. "I know that you've done something to that poor innocent lemon drop . . . I know that you've somehow managed to bring it over to your side, it'll betray me if I eat it . . . oh how I wish I could take it from your hand and . . . "
"Stop," Harry held up his hand. "Bad enough that you had such a long monologue but you looked like you were about to burst into song."
"Yes . . . well," Dumbledore reddened.
"How about I buy you some lemon drop flavored ice cream?" Harry raised an eyebrow, "I couldn't possibly have poisoned that."
"I suppose," Dumbledore's will crumbled.
"Here you are Headmaster," Fortescue placed a large bowel in front of Dumbledore.
"Thank you," Dumbledore took a large bite of the ice cream. "It's very goo . . "
Everyone . . .most . . .some . . . a couple people winced as the Headmaster passed out and hit the counter with an audible thump.
"I thought you said it wasn't poisoned?" Hermione frowned, "and I saw Mr. Fortescue make it?"
"You think I'm dumb enough to anger my newest and largest source of income?" Fortescue asked with a grin, "you girls are like a plague of locusts . . . you eat everything in my shop. He pays for it, I'll be able to retire in fifteen minutes if I want to."
"Oh," the girls nodded. That made sense.
"Let me just get my wand out," Harry grinned. "And we cast a few shaving charms . . . Lav, could you style this?"
"Sure Harry," Lavender nodded. "Handelbar?"
"You got it," Harry grinned.
"Let me help," one of the other girls suggested.
"Me too," cried another.
IIIIIIIIII
"My head," Dumbledore blinked. "He did it again . . . where am I?" The Headmaster looked around the room, "it appears to be a urine soaked alley behind a seedy bar."
"Watch what you call a urine soaked alley," Fortescue glared at Dumbledore from behind his counter. "If you're gonna say things like that about my shop then you can just get out."
"Fine," Dumbledore rose to his feet . . . why did his face feel so cold?
Taking a few unsteady steps out of the shop, Dumbledore looked around the alley.
"Who are you?" A terrified Auror attempted to draw his wand.
"I am Albus Dumbledore," Dumbledore smiled. "Don't you recognize me?"
"Dumbledore would never have a handlebar mustache the Auror protested . . . you can't be him." The Auror shook his head, "and that black frock coat . . . that top hat . . . you just can't be him."
"Top hat," Dumbledore looked up . . . yep he was wearing a black top hat. "Frock coat?" Dumbledore looked down, "he was wearing a pair of black pants and a frock coat. "Handlebar mustache?" Dumbledore reached up to feel his face and . . . I'm sure you can guess where I'm going with this.
At that moment, a group of reporters stumbled out of one of the shops . . . let's say the pet store.
"Oh my god," a reporter screamed. "Look at that mustache . . . Dumbledore must be evil."
"He was hiding it under all that facial hair . . . it all makes sense," another nodded. "Let's get him."
"No," another reporter disagreed. "That would ruin the normal stereotype about the wizarding world being made up of cowards . . . let's write nasty things about him."
"Yeah," the other reporters agreed.
"I thought goatees were evil," Harry mused as he put his shaving equipment away.
"Don't forget that the wizarding world is behind the times," Hermione reminded him. "Goatees didn't become evil until the sixties, the wizarding world is still stuck in a time when large handle bar mustaches were a sign of evil. Where the hell did you get that shaving equipment? I saw you use a charm to shave Dumbledore."
"Then why didn't Voldemort ever grow a mustache?" Harry shook his head in confusion. "And I got the shaving equipment for something else . . . as to where I was hiding it . . . I didn't, one of the other girls had it in her purse for some reason . . . along with an anti tank weapon, I don't know why she had that in her purse . . . or how."
"We keep all kinds of things in our purses," Tonks shrugged. "If we told you how it worked your head would explode . . . I have no idea why Volde didn't grow a mustache."
"Alas," Dumbledore entered the conversation. "Tom was never able to grow any facial hair after an accident in my class . . . I'm afraid that it also raised his voice a few octaves, much too high to pull off the traditional dark lord evil voice."
"There he is," an impromptu angry mob had formed to take care of Dumbledore. "Get him."
"If you'll excuse me," Dumbledore dodged a pitchfork thrust. "I must get going." With that, Dumbledore fled in terror from the angry mob.
"That was kinda fun," Harry smiled. "We're going to have to do this every year."
"Did you ever decide what you were going to do this summer?" Ginny smiled.
"Yeah," Harry nodded. "I'm gonna go destroy some of the dark lord's . . . hor . . . whore . . . whore Xs."
"The dark lord runs a brothel?" The girls blinked.
"No," Harry shook his head. "That's just some strange mystical name for some soul hiding . . . thing."
"Oh," the girls shrugged. "Have fun."
"I will," Harry smiled.
"And don't stay away too long," Cho smiled. "I just got this book on Chinese alchemy . . . and it has a way to live forever. We need your help for that."
"You want me to make a Philosopher's Stone?" Harry blinked.
"No," Cho shook her head. "It has another more . . . strenuous way to live forever."
"Let me see," Hermione grabbed the book. "Most of these positions are in Hogwarts a History . . .but that's a new one, so's that one . . . I'm gonna have to borrow this book."
"Hogwarts a History?" Cho blinked.
"Let us see," the Patil twins grabbed the book. "We've got an entire library of this stuff at home, you want us to bring it?"
Everyone just stared at the Patil twins.
"Hey," the twins smiled. "We're from India, all sorts of these books come from India . . . and our grandmother is a perv."
"Ah," everyone nodded and things went back to normal.
IIIIIIIIII
"And that's everything," Draco smirked at the Judge. "I'm guilty, my friends are guilty and my father is guilty of lots of things. I've confessed all my crimes and given information on everyone else, send me to Azkaban." This was sure to get him out of that damn marriage, granted he'd be in prison but it was still better then binging married to weasel.
"In light of your testimony," the Judge smiled. "And due to an unexpected request for clemency . . . we find you guilty of all charges but sentence you to no time and release you into the custody of your future husband."
"What?" Draco was close to tears.
"Isn't that wonderful Cissy?" The voice of Draco's aunt nearly caused him to wet himself.
"It sure is Bella," Narcissa agreed. "She loved her Ron so much that she testified in court."
Well, Draco mused to herself. At least the weasel isn't here.
"Why did you drag me here," Ron's mother pulled him into the court room. "I was happy hiding under my bed, why did you have to take that from me."
"We're here to give your future wife some moral support at her trial," Molly snapped. "Now behave."
"Trial?" Ron perked up, "Draco is going to prison?"
"No," the Judge smiled down. "And you're a lucky boy, she turned herself in and testified against several prominent wizards to prove her love for you."
"What?" Ron passed out.
"What?" Draco started crying.
"Isn't that sweet," Molly smiled. "They're so happy that they can be together for ever and ever."
"Forever?" Draco started crying harder and Ron . . . um . . . passed out more?
IIIIIIIIII
"Why did you write that letter to the Judge at Draco's trial?" Ginny asked as the group decended on Diagon Alley's one wand shop.
"Spite," Harry replied. "I'm not done getting revenge on him."
"And Ron?" Ginny blinked.
"Are you saying that you're not in favor of Ron's torment?" Harry raised an eyebrow.
"I'm not saying that," Ginny shook her head. "I'm all in favor of Ron suffering a bit more . . . Prince Ron likes to hog the bathroom. I was wondering why you wanted him to suffer."
"I told you," Harry shook his head sadly. "He snores."
"I know that," Ginny nodded. "But you've been tormenting him for years . . . are you trying to tell me that it was just because of some snoring?"
"Years of snoring," Harry corrected. "And there might have been a few other things . . . and he may have challenged me to a prank war about two hours before I came back in time . . . and I may be ahead because there isn't a bigger prank then forcibly engaging him to Draco."
"Oh," Ginny shrugged. "Whatever . . . why did we come here anyway? Don't you already have a wand?"
"That's what I wanted to know," Ollivander came out of the shadows. "You're wand hasn't suffered some misfortune has it?"
"No," Harry shook his head. "But since it's Tom's brother wand . . . well, you know."
"Yes . . . I do," Ollivander nodded. "So you want another wand?"
"I was hoping to get something a bit . . . unusual," Harry smiled.
"Really?" Ollivander leaned forward, "what did you have in mind?"
Fifteen minutes later, Harry exited Ollivander's walking in front of his harem. Clenched in his left hand was his new mahogany pimp cane . . . with a large engraved silver nob.
"A pimp cane?" Hermione glanced at Harry's new accessory.
"It can cast spells and it's stylish," Harry nodded. "What more could I ask for?"
"So what should we do now?" Hermione shrugged.
"Can we kidnap and probe some muggles?" Luna perked up.
"NO," everyone sane replied quickly.
"Then can we do it to some cattle?" A see of shaking heads was Luna's answer, "what about crop circles?"
"I was hoping to do something that would get revenge on someone," Harry sighed. "And innocent muggles, cows, and farmers haven't done anything to me."
"Oh," Luna drooped. "Then can we kidnap Fudge and sell him to some aliens?"
"Sure," Harry nodded.
"Aliens don't exist," Hermione shook her head. "In my well known role of disputing everything you say, I have to speak up here . . . sorry Luna."
"That's ok," Luna patted her friend on the shoulder. "While I am unsure of the existence of aliens and since I am not in contact with any aliens, I was planning to sell him to that all goblin leather fetish club and pretend."
"Oh," Hermione seemed to think it over for a moment. "I suppose I can't dispute that . . . let's do it."
"Yay," the harem cheered.
"Whatever," Harry shrugged. "Suggest that the newspapers might want to buy any pictures when you hand them over."
"Not the Quibbler," Luna added her two cents. "We don't publish that kind of smut."
"The Quibbler published pictures of your parents wedding night," Ginny protested. "And every anniversary night . . . you always insist on showing me."
"Yes," Luna agreed. "But not the kind of smut that would feature the Minister . . . that's just sick."
"Whatever," Harry shrugged. "Let's go."
AN: Chinese alchemy is the pursuit of immortality. One method of keeping away death is sex, or was sex. Another was eating mercury so I don't know how much credit I'd put in Chinese alchemy . . . wouldn't hurt to try though . . . I mean the sex not the mercury. It would hurt to try the mercury, that's some nasty stuff.Omake: A True Slytherin
"So tell me about this Slytherin house," Harry asked the hat. "What exactly is it?"
"Well," the hat took a moment to think. "It was supposed to be for the cunning and ambitious, recently it's been taken over by the ineptly evil."
"So why do you want to put me in this house?" Harry's voice remained calm.
"Because I think you'd bring the house back to it's early days," the hat replied. "I think you could make it great again."
"Ok," Harry smirked. "I'll join Slytherin house then."
"SLYTHERIN," the hat called out to the stunned school
Two Weeks Later . . .
"Tell me Mr. Potter," Dumbledore fixed the boy with a stern glare. "What do you think happened to nearly every member of your house?"
"I think they committed suicide," Harry replied with a smile. "And since you put truth serum in the tea I've just drunk . . . well, I think we can dispense with the rest of this interview."
"I'd love to know how a person can commit suicide by stabbing themselves in the back seventeen times," Dumbledore's glare deepened. "Why don't you tell me the truth."
"I did," Harry pulled a potion out of his pocket and downed it. "And I'm leaving . . . I don't think my good friend Cornelius will be very happy about the way you've been trying to frame me."
"I'm not trying to frame you," Dumbledore tried the grandfatherly tone. "I'm trying to find out the truth."
"And the truth is that they committed suicide," Harry smiled.
"That's not what your head of house thinks," Dumbledore sighed. For some reason he was unable to enter the boy's mind.
"Then maybe you should bring him up here?" Harry suggested.
"He was found with a noose around his neck earlier today," Dumbledore frowned. "Something I suppose you know nothing about."
"What a shame," Harry dodged the question. "Good day Headmaster."
"This isn't over Harry," Dumbledore called out after the boy.
Harry walked out of the office with a grin on his face, the old fool would check the tea to make sure that it contained the correct amount of truth potion and he would check the potion to make sure that it was brewed correctly but he would never realise the truth. When those morons had stood in his way or gone against them they had ended their own lives, just as if they had jumped in front of a train. He had been telling the truth when he said that they committed suicide, he'd just never mentioned how.
Chapter 10: The Rise of Orion
"Well," Harry said leaning back in his seat on the Hogwarts express. "That sure was an eventful summer."
"Yeah," one of the girls agreed. "You destroyed all the dark lords whore thingys and had lots of adventures."
"Not to mention adding several girls to your harem," Hermione added. "All those foreign kings kept insisting that you take their attractive daughters and younger sisters."
"Yeah," Harry nodded. "That was kinda strange . . . ah well, what do you think we should do this year?"
Everyone looked up as Draco's two thugs walked into the compartment.
"Um . . ." Crabbe frowned. "We're supposed to . . ."
"Um . . ." Goyle looked confused. "I forget . . . "
"Ok," Harry said with a shrug. "Say . . . I haven't gotten vengeance on the two of you for anything have I?"
Crabbe and Goyle both looked stumped by that question, "vengeance?"
"Forget it," Harry waved them off. "It wouldn't be any fun to get it on anyone as dumb as you two."
"Ok." The two . . . slow boys walked out of the room.
"That was strange," Hermione said as the door to the compartment closed.
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
Harry and the Harem spent several more minutes . . . talking, till they were once again interrupted by the door opening.
"Potter," a group of random Seventh year boys blocked the door. "We want to have a word with you."
"What do you need?" Harry didn't even bother to lift his head from one of the girl's lap.
"You're hogging all the girls that Longbottom doesn't have," the boy replied with a voice full of menace. "I think that's going to chance . . . or else."
"Or else what?" Harry closed his eyes and let the girl stroke his hair.
"Or else you're going to get hurt," the boy replied evilly.
"First of all, why are you threatening me and not Neville?" Harry was giddy with the chance to get revenge on some people that he hadn't gotten revenge on yet.
"Because he has Bellatrix Lestrange as a mother figure," the boy snorted. "And a pair of Aurors as parents."
"Ah," Harry smiled. "Second, did you stop to think that with my harem of girls which includes Bella that I outnumber you?"
"Bellatrix Lestrange is in your harem?" The boys were contemplating the merits of wetting themselves.
"It's Bellatrix Black," Harry's voice turned evil. "Tell me . . . have any of you ever been beaten to within an inch of your life and then thrown off a moving train?"
IIIIIIIIII
"Mr. Potter," McGonagall began sternly. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about the fact that several students were beaten severely and thrown off the train would you?"
"Why do you ask?" Harry asked innocently, "now if you'll excuse us we really have to be going to my wing of the castle."
"What?" McGonagall hadn't expected that response, "why?"
"Well, what with the headmaster being evil and all." Harry had to work hard to resist the urge to giggle, "I just don't feel safe being in the great hall with him."
"Oh . . ." McGonagall replied dumbly.
"So I've set up a candlelit dinner for me and my harem," Harry continued. "It puts us out of reach of the evil Dumbdoor and lets us work on our relationship."
"I . . . see."
"Later Professor," Harry called over his shoulder as he led his harem down to their wing of the castle.
The meal was incredibly romantic and afterwards, Harry put his head in one of the girl's laps while another fed him pealed grapes.
"There's something odd here," Harry mused aloud.
"What is it Harry?" One of the girls asked.
"I've put my head on every lap enough times to become -ahem- intimately familiar with them." Harry grinned.
"So?"
"So I don't recognise this lap . . . who are you?"
"Oh darn," the strange girl replied with a pout. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice."
"Every one of my girls is special and unique," Harry said with a grin.
"I'm Hogwarts," the strange girl said slowly. "A human embodiment of the spirit of the castle."
"Oh," Harry closed his eyes and relaxed again. "That explains everything."
"So you're not going to make me leave?" The castle asked suspiciously.
"Nope," Harry replied looking up at her large, healthy . . . face. "Why would I do that?"
"Some guys might find it a bit odd to have a castle as a member of their harem," Hogwarts spoke.
"Some guys are idiots that get turned into girls and engaged to Ron." Harry grinned, "which reminds me . . . did anyone think to turn those guys on the train into girls?"
"I did," Bella called out. "But since I was all tied up and gagged in your trunk at the time . . ."
"You're the one that keeps asking us to do that to you," Harry retorted.
"I know." Bella nodded, "if you don't mind I'll turn them into girls later today and put them in my little Orion's harem."
"Whatever makes you happy," Harry agreed.
"I still can't believe that you're so accepting of this," Hogwarts said with a grin. "You're really just going to let me into your harem like that."
"Sure," Harry nodded. "Welcome to the harem . . . I don't suppose anyone needs to arrange a room for you in this wing do they?"
"No." Hogwarts shook her head, "I can do that part myself."
"Wonderful"
IIIIIIIIII
"Master," one of the death eaters said quietly.
"What is it?" The Dark Log demanded.
"Has anyone thought to use a cleaning charm on you?"
"No . . . do it now or suffer a painful death." Voldemort demanded.
"Yes Master," the death eater agreed. The death eaters all cast the spell and Voldelog began to loose mass, he got smaller and smaller until he was just a body part.
"Where did that come from?" One of the death eaters asked, "and how did our master turn into it?"
"It's what Wormtail cut off in the ritual," another death eaters replied. "I'd recognise it anywhere."
"What?" Several of the surrounding death eaters began to back away.
"I'm the guy that lost the coin toss and had to make the new silver equipment," the death eater replied. "He wanted it to look the same and be twice the size."
"So . . . twice the size would be . . . . about four inches?"
"Three and a half."
"What have you fools done to me?" The dark member squeaked, "I'll have your heads for this."
"You know," one of the death eaters began. "I'm starting to doubt my choice of becoming a death eater."
A chorus of agreement filled the room.
"Why don't we mail him to Dumbledore and then hit the employment office?" The death eater continued, "I hear that they still have jobs open in the exciting world of food service."
"You guys go ahead," one of the younger death eaters said quietly. "I should probably be getting back to Uni anyway."
"What?" The other death eaters looked at the man.
"I'm just an intern," the death eater explained. "Here for a bit of summer credit, class will be starting in a few weeks. "
"You can intern as a death eater?"
"I pissed off the guy in charge of internships," the student replied. "He thought that a few months of getting tortured would be just the thing to straighten me out."
"Oh . . . how the hell did he know about us?"
"I think he did it through the muggle relations office," the student added helpfully.
IIIIIIIIII
Meanwhile, a large swallow had swooped in through the headmaster's window and delivered a large package.
"What's this?" Dumbledore asked himself as he opened a package.
"Curse you old man," the Dark Member squeaked.
"What's happened to you Tom?" Dumbledore shook his head sadly, "I expected you to go out in an epic battle. You know, something that would leave thousands dead on both sides before the hero finally emerged and cast you down?"
"I only had a dozen followers," the Dark Member protested. "How in the hell was I supposed to have enough people to leave thousands dead?"
"I've been transfiguring bits of leftover food into corpses for the last few years in my spare time," Dumbledore explained. The old man reached into his desk and pulled out a jar. He then lifted up the package and let the dark member fall into his new home. "I'm going to have to rethink things, I'm not sure I can have you as the antagonist if this is the way you end up. It simply won't do to have the feared Dark Lord be a . . . body part. Now I was willing to let things go before, Severus told me what form you took in your rebirth and I said to myself why not? Why shouldn't the evil dark lord be a disgusting mass of human waste? After a while I figured that it could be turned to my advantage, you know when the books come out . . . now? Now I just don't know anymore."
"At least put me in with the porn," the Dark Member begged.
"No . . . no I don't think I'll be doing that. I mean, that is to say . . .I don't have any porn."
"Albus," the strange conversation was interrupted by McGonagall's knock on the door. "May I speak with you."
"Certainly," Dumbledore called out. "Come in Minerva."
"Albus I . . . what do you have in that jar?" Minerva had to resist the urge to vomit when she noticed the Headmaster's newest paperweight.
"That?" Dumbledore glanced down at the Dark Member's jar. "That's Tom."
"Why don't we just pretend that I was never here?" McGonagall began inching towards the door, "we can both pretend that I never saw anything."
"Ok," Dumbledore agreed. Looked like time was finally catching up to the old girl, she was starting to act rather odd.
"And in addition to never speaking or thinking about this . . . event." McGonagall continued, "why don't you keep that . . . decoration somewhere else? At least have the decency to remove it when other people are around."
"Good idea Minerva," Dumbledore enthused. "He's much too dangerous to allow free reign of the castle, the chance that he may escape is too great."
"Yes . . . well." McGonagall's mind searched for a way to extract herself from this situation, "I've just got to go and talk to Harry about getting that elixer to make me young again. You know how the boy is, always trying to get more women into his harem."
"Yes goodbye Minerva." Dumbledore shook his head sadly, some people would do anything to regain their youth . . . even join Harry's Harem.
IIIIIIIIII
"Hello," Harry greeted the severely beaten seventh years that had bothered him on the train. "I wouldn't normally do this but I figured that we were even."
"What do you mean even?" One of the boys growled.
"Well . . . you annoyed me, I had you severely beaten and thrown off a moving train." Harry replied, "and I want you to know that I'm only giving you this warning because of the guy code."
"Warning us of what?"
"Bella is planning to turn you all into girls so you can be in Neville's harem, I figured that I wasn't angry with Neville for any reason and since we were even . . ."
"Thanks Potter." The boys nearly wet themselves in fear, "we won't forget this."
"I'd suggest moving to another continent . . . I hear Angola is nice," Harry mused. "Nicer then being turned into a girl and becoming a member of Neville's harem anyway."
"Where's Bellatrix now?"
"Well." Harry checked his watch. "Since it's seven, I'd guess that she's tied to the wall in my quarters and wearing a rubber mask. I've got to be going, I only stepped in on my way to the library . . . good luck."
Harry made his way to the library and walked up the the librarian's desk.
"May I help you?" The woman asked sternly.
"I was looking for books on how to manage a harem," Harry replied. "Some really pervy instruction booklets could be good too."
"Shelves fifteen through twenty in the charms section," the librarian replied slowly.
"Charms section?"
"You need a lot of charm to get a harem," the Librarian replied.
"Ah"
IIIIIIIIII
"Good afternoon Mr. Longbottom," the Headmaster greeted his new hope for a massive battle between good and evil. "And how are you today."
"Fine Professor," Neville replied. "I finally escaped from all those girls. Don't get me wrong, they're nice but sometimes a bloke needs some time to himself. They won't even let me go to the shower alone."
"Yes . . . well." Dumbledore had to suppress a massive surge of jealousy, "I just wanted to give you this pass to the restricted section. Be sure not to abuse it, there is a lot of dark magic to be learned and I would hate to see what happened if it fell into the wrong hands."
"O . . . k," Neville said slowly. "Is there any reason you're giving this to me Professor?"
"None at all," Dumbledore said quickly. "Here . . . have this book, I'm sure you'll find it most interesting."
"How to be a Dark Lord in Twelve Easy Steps?" Neville read the title, "huh?"
"Well . . . I'm sure you have nefarious plans to plot," Dumbledore said quickly. "I'll see you around Lord Orion."
"What?" Neville was becoming sure that someone had put something strange in his food.
Chapter 11: The Final Battle
Excuse me . . . my dark lordness," several familiar seventh year boys stopped Neville in the hall. "May we please join you and become your followers without becoming women?"
"Huh?" Neville blinked.
"May we become your followers my Lord?" One of the boys repeated, "and not get transformed into women."
"Um . . . sure, I guess." Neville shrugged, "I've got to be going."
The boys cheered and Neville beat a hasty retreat, what was with people lately?
"Hello boys." Bella had arrived and a chill of fear went up the spine of every boy that wanted to stay male.
"Hello Ms. Black," one of the boys said nervously. "We talked to the Dark Lord Orion and he's agreed that it would be best if we were to stay mmmale."
"Really?" Bella raised an eyebrow, "why?"
"It's tradition," one of the boys offered. "To have a dark army and a group of dark consorts?"
"It's also tradition to have a dark army of dark consorts," Bella retorted. The boys all eyed the wand in her hand nervously.
"We're not worthy," one of the boys screamed. "We'll go on a journey around the world and return when we're finally worthy of becoming a . . . dark consort."
"With a few short returns to visit our families," another boy added. "We'll come back to Hogwarts or whatever dark fortress the dark lord Orion chooses to conquer when we're worthy."
"Well . . . are you sure you're not worthy?" Bella asked slowly.
"YES, very unworthy."
"Ok," Bella agreed. "But you had better work hard."
"We will," the boys nodded. Living in Angola wasn't so bad was it?
IIIIIIIIII
Neville took a moment to think about his life and he came to a realisation . . . Dumbledore was trying to turn him into a dark lord so that there would be a final battle between good and evil with Harry on one side and . . . the Dark Lord Orion on the other. With that realisation came the solution to his problems and that solution required his friend Harry. Plan fixed, Neville went off in search of the 'Boy-Who-Lived-For-Revenge.'
He found Harry tormenting a ministry official with what could be classified as the most dark and terrible curse that ever was.
"Do you know what I'm going to do to you?" Harry asked with a sadistic smile.
"No . . . no not that!" The Bureaucrat screamed.
"Yes," Harry agreed. "That."
"Hey Harry," Neville called out as he walked up. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"Nothing important." Harry put his wand away and the Ministry official fled in well justified terror. "What can I do for you?"
"Dumbledore is trying to turn me into a dark lord so that the two of us can fight a battle," Neville explained. "I was thinking that we . . . "
IIIIIIIIII
It was the final battle between good and evil and when I say final I mean one of the final battles because wars to end all wars tend not to end all wars. When you think about it, it could be argued that wars to end all wars just end up causing more wars. Take World War I for example, at the time it was called the great war or the war to end all wars but the treaty that ended the war did nothing to address the root causes behind the war and created the conditions that would later cause World War II. So I guess what I'm saying is that the battle between Neville and Harry was unimportant in the grand sceme of things and that the victor would only matter in the short term . . . but that's another show.
The ground was littered with bodies from both sides and in the end, Harry and a small number of his Harem faced Neville and an equal number of his dark consorts.
"Listen up," Madame Hooch spoke up. "I want a good clean match, this is just a friendly game of Quidditch so there is not cause for dirty play."
"This isn't what I had in mind," Dumbledore said sullenly. "All those bodies I spent months transfiguring going to waste."
"Oh be quiet Albus," Minerva snapped. "Harry and Neville were good enough to let you scatter them on the Quidditch pitch now weren't they? Though I do feel sorry for the house elves that are going to have to clean this all up."
"That's not the . . . damn," Dumbledore screamed. "Neville caught the Snitch . . . how in the hell did Neville manage to catch the Snitch?"
"Looks like he swallowed it," McGonagall commented. "Ah well, Harry'll have better luck their next game."
"Next game?" Dumbledore asked nervously.
"Yes," Minerva agreed. "Everyone had so much fun planning this out that they've decided to make it a semiannual event, a Quidditch match between Harry's Harem and Neville's Dark Consorts."
"I can't believe that . . ." Dumbledore's rant was cut off by Luna's arrival.
"Hello Headmaster," Luna said happily. "Harry just realised that he forgot to get any revenge on you for the last chapter or two so I volunteered to do it . . .Explosivo Diario"
"Excuse me." Dumbledore made a mad dash towards the castle in hopes of reaching a bathroom before conditions demanded that he send his favorite robe to the best cleaners in the land.
"Where did you learn that charm Ms. Lovegood?" McGonagall asked sternly.
"Big book of Bowel Disrupting Charms, every spell needed to win duels and humiliate your opponents." Luna replied with a dreamy grin.
"Ah." The old woman nodded, "do you think I could borrow it?"
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry . . . Harry, you got to help me." Ron burst into a room to find Harry with a strange woman.
"Later hon," the woman gave Harry one last kiss on the cheek and disappeared.
"Who was that mate?" Ron asked with an odd grin on his face, "and where'd she go?"
"That was Hogwarts," Harry replied. "Apparently the castle can take the form of a beautiful woman and she wants to be in my harem."
"That's great mate but I have problems, you gotta help me." Ron begged, "don't let her do it to me."
"What's going on?" Harry was quick to calm his friend, "what's happening?"
"My mum says that she's going to make me marry Draco tomorrow," Ron said. Tears were leaking out of the boy's eyes. "You gotta get me out of this."
"Ok, the first thing you need to do is calm down." Harry commanded, "I think I know a way to get you out of this . . . or at least to delay things."
"What is it mate?"
"Tell me Ron, have you ever heard of the French Foreign Legion?" Harry pulled a portkey out of his pocket.
"What's that Mate?" Ron demanded.
"It's a muggle military unit that won't ask questions and will hide you from your mother and your wedding."
"Thanks mate," Ron said quickly. "What do I do?"
"Take this portkey and tell them I sent you . . . good luck."
Epilogue
Ron - escaped from his wedding and spent several years in the Legion, the brutal training and discipline was still better then being married to Draco. Eventually his mother tracked him down . . . he promptly escaped into the Los Angelus underground. Today he makes his living as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him . . . maybe you can hire . . . Ron. Sorry, but he was too busy running from his mother to think up a cool nickname.
Harry and his Harem – won the next few Quidditch matches and together they had several children.
Neville and his Dark Consorts – continue their reign of terror as the most benevolent dark regime in history. They also had several children.
Snape – lived a happy life for a few years until the Potter and Longbottom children started trickling into Hogwarts, the smattering of Weasley children didn't help matters either. One year, nearly the entire Hogwarts class was made up of Potters and Longbottoms and all the teachers were overjoyed to see them . . . except for Snape. And they all lived happily ever after . . . except for Snape who kept trying to kill himself but he never succeeded.
The End
Or if you'd prefer something else . . .
"What the hell?" Harry looked around, he seemed to be in some sort of crib . . . why in the hell was he in a crib?
"It looks like my manly little boy is awake," Lily beamed down at her child. "And saying his first manly words too."
"Um . . . goo?" Harry tried to smile innocently.
"Such a deviously manly smile too," Lily's smile grew. "How's my manly little boy doing?"
"Good" Harry smiled.
"Good." Lily nodded.
"Hey Lily could you . . . oh," Peter gave a fake smile. "Harry's awake."
"Explosivo Castrado," Harry grinned in anticipation as a sickly green light shot out of his finger and hit the man who betray . . . would betray . . . would have betrayed? . . . ah screw it. Wormtail screamed and rolled around in agony.
"JAMES," Lily gave an excited scream. "COME QUICK, HARRY'S CAST HIS FIRST SPELL."
"What is it?" James ran it and looked down at his friend, face paling. "Oh god . . . "
"He must have seen me use it and copied me," Lily was bouncing in joy. "Isn't it just wonderful?"
"I think I'm gonna be sick," James tried to remember the blood clotting charms he'd learned in school. "Why did he do that to Peter?"
"He's so manly that he must have seen Peter as competition and decided to remove him," Lily nodded . . . it all made so much sense . . . to her anyway. "With Peter gone there will be more girls for Harry."
"He's not going to do that to me is he?" James began backing out of the room nervously.
"Of course not," Lily shook her head. "And I'm going to tell him that he's not allowed to hurt you right now. Harry . . . honey, if you hurt your father then I'm going to be very angry at you and you'll have to have time out for five minutes."
"FIVE MINUTES?" James's eyes bulged.
"I know it seems harsh," Lily nodded. "But I have to be firm with him."
It was as this point that James passed out.
IIIIIIIIII
"James . . . wake up mate," Sirius shook his friend. "Are you alright?"
"Oh god what happened?" James looked around, "I had the worst dream."
"If it's that Harry learned THAT SPELL and used it on Wormtail then that was no dream." Sirius sighed, "on the plus side . . . it turned out that Peter was a death eater, healers found the mark when he went in because of . . . you know what."
"Oh," color began to return to James's cheeks. "So he's a death eater . . . Lily, he was going to hurt Lily and Harry protected her."
"Maybe," Sirius shrugged. "That's what Lily thinks, she's been going on about how her manly little boy protected his mummy . . . it's starting to scare me."
"Mate," James looked over to his best friend. "You're going to have to accept it some day . . . I did and my life is happier."
"That your wife is insane?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Yes," James nodded. "But this ruins that unbreakable vow I made her swear to never use that spell on someone . . . it took months of planning to get her to promise that."
"And you were going to tell me this when?" Sirius's eyes flashed, "I've been living in fear for no reason."
"She told me not to say anything," James shrugged. "Threatened to make me sleep on the couch for a night if I told you."
"You let me live in fear for my life for months because you didn't want to sleep on the couch for one night?" Sirius was shocked that friendship seemed to mean so little.
"Yup," James nodded. "One, the couch is really uncomfortable. Two, well . . . I'm not going to tell you."
"You're not going to tell me?" Sirius's eyes narrowed.
"Sorry," James shrugged. "But there are some things that I'm not going to share about the joys I've found in married life."
"Oh," Sirius blinked. "Oh . . . so you . . . oh."
"Right," James nodded. "Now let's go get drunk."
"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Or we could get blotto here and we won't run the risk of meeting a bunch of drag queens like last time."
"Poor Peter had to find out the hard way," James shook his head. "Ok, let's do it your way."
Three bottles of gin later . . . yes gin, they're Brits and Gin is a British alcohol, I added it for a bit of local flavor like those authors that . . . ah ta hell with it.
"I shink yer gonna havta fashe faks," Sirius slurred. "Yer shon's a derk lerd . . . no bloke 'll yush dat spill less he'sh a derk lerd . . . a reelly pwerfl derk lerd . . . voldsomething doeshent yuesh dat spell."
"I know," James nodded. "But he's still my son and I'm sure that if I raise him right he won't try to kill muggle born magic folk like every other dark lord in history . . . I don't think Lily would like it if he did that."
"A derk lerd thatsh hun hun killsh derk lerds?" Sirius perked up, "thash greet."
"Yeah," James nodded. "So can I have some gin now? I want to get blotto too."
"No," Sirius hugged the body. "Ish all mine I need it."
"Why?" James cast a quick sobriety charm on his friend, "What else happened while I was out?"
"Babies," Sirius shuddered. "Lots of babies."
"What?" James blinked.
"While you were out dozens of babies popped in with their parents . . . all of them girls,"
"Lily's been recruiting again?" James nodded, "I guess that makes sense."
"They came on their own," Sirius shuddered. "Some of the families were muggles . . . the kids used accidental magic to get in."
"Oh," James blinked.
"Some of them can talk and they told Lily that they're in Harry's Harem," Sirius shuddered. "She's happy but . . ."
IIIIIIIIII
"Bwahahaha," Voldemort stalked towards the unsuspecting house. "You will all die."
"Explosivo Castrado." A high voice sounded from the bushes to one side of the dark lord.
"Arrrg," Voldemort fell to the ground and began screaming.
Harry looked down at the screaming dark lorda and realised that . . . he was happy. He had it all, the girls, his parents, Sirius was alive, and plenty more years of revenge to plan and carryout.
The End II