Chapter 778 - Ch: 30-34 (Endish)

Chapter 30

That's an Offensive Weapon, That is

It was a few months into the new term and Sirius and Bathsheba were in their private quarters one morning, preparing to go down to breakfast.

"Sirius, guess what," Bathsheba said with a bright smile. "There's going to be twice as much love in this family as there is now."

Sirius stared at her for a few seconds.

"We're gonna start doing it in the mornings, too?" he said.

"No."

"Then we're gonna start shagging in your office?"

"We've already done that."

"Another professor's office?"

"Sirius!"

"Then what-"

"I mean, we're going to have a baby."

Sirius paused a moment and his jaw went slack. Then, slowly, a huge grin spread over his face and he threw his arms into the air.

"I'm gonna be a dad!"

He then bolted from the room, shouting to all and sundry this joyous news.

"Sevewus, how good of you to join us," Voldemort said softly, trying and failing to sound menacing on account of the speech impediment. Among the Death Eaters Voldemort had freed from Azkaban was Severus Snape, and the potions master was just looking for a chance to get revenge on anyone named Potter or in any way connected with the boy who had pretty much ruined his life. Snape had mostly been sent on undercover missions or to collect valuable potions ingredients, but something had happened to cause Voldemort to summon him for a new task.

"My lord," Snape said with a deferential bow.

"I have a task fow you, Sevewus. Wecentwy an announcement was put in the papahws that I fewlt you shouwd see."

Voldemort tossed Snape a copy of The Quibbler that bore the announcement of the upcoming arrival of a new heir to the House of Black. Snape's lips curled into a sneer at the thought of a continuation of the Marauders.

"I have a vewy impowtant task fow you, Sevewus," Voldemort continued. "The Bwacks aw a thweat to us and awwies of Pottah. Go to Hogwawts and kiwl them."

A cruel smile lit Snape's face. He was going to go back to that school and he was going to make Black's death as horrific as possible, after first making the man watch his pregnant wife tortured to death. To Snape, it was a just revenge for all that he'd suffered. Snape was aware that there had been anti-Death Eater wards put up around the school, so he would just lie in wait around the outside until his targets left the safety of the grounds.

What Snape hadn't taken into account was the fact that Fate wasn't too keen on his plans and had called in her old buddy Karma to kick Snape's ass.

Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table, reading his morning mail and casually sipping his tea. A most curious letter had arrived from Mr. Weasley, of all people, asking about the possibility of Splunge Inc. investing in a line of enchanted cars. It was an idea that Harry had been considering bringing to the table at one of the board meetings and Harry was delighted that he could make it official. Mr. Weasley had also been working on a new car for Harry to test drive to see if it met with his company's standards. The prototype would be delivered on Saturday morning and Harry was eagerly looking forward to it.

Harry was pulled from his musings as his girlfriends decided to kiss him goodbye before they headed off to their classes. If Harry had looked up, not that he could have because of the intense snogging he was getting, he would have seen one very irate Weasley female bending her fork as she gripped it too tightly from the anger she felt towards the six witches who had, in her mind, stolen her man.

Saturday came rather quickly and Harry and several of his friends and board members attended the arrival of the prototype wizard car. There was a chorus of "Oohs" and "Ahs" as the large crate containing the device was delivered and opened. The new car was not like the last one that Mr. Weasley had spruced up. Whereas the previous car owned by the Weasleys was a bright blue Ford Anglia, this was a dark green 1980s Aston Martin. Harry then asked for a few volunteers to test out the vehicle with him. Only a couple of his male friends stepped forward, the girls all stood to the side, smiling as though they knew something was bound to go wrong (after all, it was Harry), and the rest of the students seemed a bit wary about a magical car.

So, Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom, Justin Finch-Fletchley, and, oddly enough, Blaise Zabini filed into the enchanted vehicle. Following the guidelines Mr. Weasley had provided, Harry (who had little experience driving a regular car, let alone an enchanted one) started the vehicle and drove the car up into the air, circling around the school.

"This is so awesome," Justin cheered.

"This is how a real man gets around," Neville added. "Shall I turn on the radio?"

"Do it!" the boys cheered.

A peppy little tune started reverberating through the car.

"Yes, it's one of my favorite tunes," said Harry as he made a sharp turn in the air.

"Make up your own lyrics for it, mate," said Justin.

"My name is Harry Potter,

I'm the king of the car.

Flying with my best guy friends

In a car.

Someone got this great idea to enchant a car.

Ha-Ha-Harry Potter and the flying car.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter.

Do the shooby-do-whops, guys!"

The other boys began a background chorus of "Shooby-do-whop! Shooby-do-whop!"

"Excellent. That's beautiful.

If you've got a problem I can fix the problem.

I've got a solution for every problem.

I've got two solutions for every problem.

I have also got…a flying car.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Harry Potter. That's me!"

Unfortunately, Harry hadn't been paying attention to where he was driving and accidentally caused the car to land on someone with a sickening crunch.

"Oh my God!" Harry exclaimed.

"That was fun," said Blaise evenly.

"Everyone get out of the car." Harry ushered his guy friends out and began to panic as he saw the body underneath the front wheels of the car. "Oh, what are we going to do?"

"Wait, I've got it," said Blaise. "Neville, you go dig a hole in the Forbidden Forest. And, Harry, Justin, you drag the body over to the hole. I'll wait here with the car."

"Uh, guys, whoever he is, I think he's still alive," said Neville. "Just back the car off him."

Harry got behind the wheel and accidentally drove forward.

"Oops."

He then drove back over.

"Oops."

He did this several times before he finally got the vehicle off the injured individual. He then got back out of the car to find his three guy friends poking the unconscious man.

"Harry, I think it's Snape," said Justin.

"What, really?" Harry inquired, trying to keep the grin off his face.

"Yup, that's Snape," Blaise confirmed. "There's no mistaking that greasy hair." Blaise had always hated his former Head of House's hair. Being from the Zabini family made Blaise quite sensitive about personal appearance and proper hygiene.

Voldemort gave a frustrated groan as he heard the report that Snape had been taken back into custody by the Aurors. Their last encounter with the Aurors had forced them to flee, all because those idiotic new recruits couldn't get their banter straight and warn them promptly. Now, instead of the relative comfort of their last hideout, they'd been forced to retreat to the dive they'd once occupied back during the earliest days of the foundation of the Death Eaters. And so, they were currently registered at the Young Men's Anti-Christian Association, located at the corner of Anti-Semitic Street and Pogrom Square, where the motto of "Are you nervy, irritable, depressed, tired of life? Keep it up" was written in chipping paint on a cheap, plywood plaque above the front desk.

Voldemort lightly tapped his fingers against his head as he tried to think of how to proceed. He needed to do something big, something to remind the wizarding world that he was still a force to be reckoned with. Of late, his followers had been more incompetent than usual. He'd already lost several Death Eaters in what looked to have been a tiger attack when they were supposed to murder that uppity bint from the Bayly family who had been assisting Potter.

So, the Dark Wombat…er, Dark Lord, pondered on what would be a good way to get back some of his dignity. He knew he had to eradicate Potter, if only so that Rookwood could perform the ritual that would truly restore Voldemort back to his full power, not to mention finally end the humiliation of looking like a wombat and speaking with a ridiculous speech impediment. What he needed was to seize one of Potters friends, preferably one of the little trollops that followed the boy around, and hold them as a hostage to lure Potter out into the open where he could be dealt with.

He was shaken from his thoughts as he felt the annoyingly familiar sensation of someone running a comb through the thick, dark, wombat fur on his head.

"BELLATRIX!"

Hogwarts was hosting a field trip, at Harry's suggestion, to introduce the students to the Ministry of Magic, as most had never actually seen the place. It was a great way to get the students thinking about how they wanted their government to run and to decide some possibilities for their future. It was a wonder that Hogwarts had never done something like that before; especially considering the Ministry was one of the primary centers of employment in the magical community.

So, the merry group of Hogwarts students was taken throughout the government complex and shown what career options were open to them in the Ministry. When the fourth years were escorted to see the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, they were shown the interrogation rooms and, as it so happened, given a demonstration of interrogation tactics used by Aurors thanks to the "assistance" of one of the Aurors' most recent recaptured criminals, Severus Snape. The interrogation room was little more than a large, grey box with a one-way mirror, behind which was something that resembled a Muggle microphone, through which the interrogating Aurors shouted abuse and threats.

Luna, with a cheerfully maniacal grin on her face, tapped one of the Aurors on the shoulder as he paused in his intensive interrogation of the potions master.

"Could I give it a try?" she asked.

"That would be unethical, not to mention a serious breach in protocol, but sure," said the Auror.

"Hello, Mr. Snape," Luna said cheerily over the magical microphone. "I just thought you'd want to hear some recent news. I and five other girls are dating Harry Potter and in a few years we're going to marry him! Soon, there will be a whole army of little Potters running around. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Wow," said the Auror. "I've never seen a convict react by foaming at the mouth and trying to chew his own arms off like a trapped coyote to escape. Heard about it, just never seen it."

Dumbledore was not having a good day. It seemed that word had spread from the Bulgarians to many other countries that he had not killed Gindelwald, including Serbia, where he was now hiding. Dumbledore was outraged at the ingratitude. Alright, so he had let Grindelwald live despite the fact that he'd brutally tortured and murdered countless innocents, but couldn't these people see that Grindelwald had to be spared in order to try and redeem him? Everyone deserved a chance to return to the Light. Dumbledore was also affronted that they would treat him so horridly when he had ensured that Grindelwald wasn't burning down their countries anymore; never mind the fact that it had mostly been Aberforth who had done the actual fighting (as Albus really only stepped in at the last minute) and the fact that Grindelwald had the misfortune of tripping on an ill-placed banana peel and inadvertently chucking the Elder Wand at Albus' head just as the Allied wizard forces showed up.

But that wasn't important. What mattered to Dumbledore was finding a way back into Britain to defeat Voldemort with the same level of grandeur that he'd defeated Grindelwald. In other words, letting someone else do all the work and wear him down until Dumbledore could step in and take all the credit. Dumbledore just wished Harry was more cooperative; the boy had a destiny to fulfil of dying at Voldemort's hands, and yet it was almost as though Harry wasn't going to be doing that.

Well, Dumbledore could be patient. In the meantime, he had to flee that very angry-looking Serbian mob.

Ginny Weasley watched the six witches who had stolen her Harry with mounting rage. They were just cheerfully chatting on their way down to the carriages to meet with Harry, her Harry, for the trip into Hogsmeade. Proving herself to be every bit as idiotic as her brother, Ginny decided to openly challenge six witches considerably more powerful than herself.

"You aren't going to win," she growled at them. She was met with six incredulous stares. "Harry is mine and I'm not going to let you keep me from him."

"What the hell are you on about, Weasley?" said Fay.

"I'm saying, if you know what's good for you, you'll stay away from Harry."

The six girls all exchanged looks. They'd already dealt with girls who had the same kind of obsession with Harry who were far more threatening than Ginny Weasley.

"Listen, Weasley," Susan said in a clipped tone, "we're really rather busy and don't have time to listen to bullshite like this."

"Has it not occurred to you that maybe Harry doesn't like you?" said Tracey. "That maybe, just maybe, he's satisfied with women who love him for himself and not his fame or money?"

"No!" Ginny screamed at the six girls. "Harry is MINE! You bitches could never love Harry like I do!"

Daphne looked at Ginny as if she were a particularly bothersome mosquito.

"Face the facts, Weaslette," she said. "Harry having six girlfriends, two of whom are Slytherins, is far more believable than him ending up with some obsessive stalker like you."

"No!" Ginny protested. "Harry loves me! He belongs to ME!"

The six girls exchanged looks again.

"Okay, this conversation got old very fast," said Fay.

"I agree," said Hermione. "Shall we go for ice cream?"

"Oooh, that sounds good," the others agreed, nodding in consent.

They all turned their backs to the furious redhead.

"HEY!" Ginny shouted. "I wasn't done with you, yet!"

"We're done with you, Weaslette!" Daphne called back.

When Harry and the girls arrived in Hogsmeade, Harry found himself bombarded with reporters. He gave a frustrated sigh at the fact that these idiots couldn't seem to get it into their heads that he had an exclusive contract with The Quibbler. This line of questions seemed to be in regards to suspicions that Harry was, and I quote, the "Chosen One" to defeat Voldemort.

"That does it!" Susan snarled with a ferocity Harry had only ever thought her aunt possessed. "Out of our way, you parasites!" She gave the indignant reporters harsh shoves out of the way. Fay, who was also a fairly strong young woman, assisted her in clearing a path through the swarm of reporters.

Once they were safely arrived in the entryway of the Three Broomsticks, Susan ushered the others inside before settling a glare on the reporters.

"Unless you lot want a serious hexing, I suggest you bugger off!" she concluded.

As she was about to follow the others inside, Luna popped her head out to give a final statement.

"And, for the record, he's not the Chosen One, he's a very naughty boy," she said with a slight giggle.

Chapter 31

I'm Going to Lay Down Some Sheep Poison

Harry, his girlfriends, and his regular friends were hanging out beside the lake, enjoying one of the few final summer days of the term. It was cool, but pleasant enough that everyone had taken the chance to do their studying outside before the approach of winter. Hermione, as usual, had the biggest and probably densest textbook she could find held up to her face as Crookshanks lounged in her lap. Tracey had pulled out a picnic basket and was setting up lunch. Fay and Luna were quizzing each other on knowledge of magical creatures. Susan was writing in her notebook, drawing up ideas for new and improved security measures. And Daphne was wading in the shallows of the lake with her sister Astoria, both splashing each other playfully.

In short, it was exactly the type of peace and quiet that Harry had always yearned for.

Then why the hell couldn't he relax and enjoy it?!

His fingers tapped impatiently against the grass, his eyes kept darting around as though he expected some kind of attack any moment, and every snap of a twig or rustle of leaves made him want to jump up and start shooting off spells. It was maddening to go on like this, knowing that, despite the efforts of Madam Bones and the Aurors, Voldemort and some of his top Death Eaters were still at large. It wasn't even Harry's "hero complex" that was causing him to be so jittery; it was just that he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself entirely until Voldemort was safely disposed in a hole in the ground (or incinerated, launched into space, or smushed beneath a 16-ton weight; he wasn't picky).

"Don't worry, Harry," said Fay, who recognized the look about him. "The Dark Wanker and his Death Munchers can't hold out much longer. Frankly, I'd be more paranoid about a certain pair of Weasels." Her glance fell in the direction of Ron and Ginny, who had taken to stalking Harry and his group. "Don't know when to give up, they don't."

"I'm just waiting on them to do something stupid," Harry said. "They take one step out of line and they'll be out of Hogwarts before you can say 'psychopaths.' And, yeah, I know Moldyshorts is doomed, but there's the chance that he's going to try something and he could still harm someone. And even when he's gone, his followers can still regroup and maybe garner some support abroad and launch another attack. Then we could have an entirely new war to deal with and-"

"Someone's being pessimistic again," said Tracey.

"No, Harry's got a point," said Luna. "If there were fewer Death Eaters, there wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking."

"Uh, right," Harry added. "But what'd need to happen is for the Death Eaters to go down before Voldemort does."

Unknown to Harry, Luna was getting one of her premonitions. The slightly manic smile on her face was ignored as those who spent so much time around her had become accustomed to that particular expression and knew they would be better off just not asking.

News of a sudden upsurge in the brutal murders of Death Eaters and blood-purists was greatly celebrated as the holidays approached. And Harry, too, took this as a blessing. He seemed more relaxed than ever each time he read the obituaries and saw the lists of pureblood-supremacists who'd perished in sudden and violent ways. He decided not to question this stroke of good luck; after all, everything else had been going smoothly lately, and tradition had indicated (and as his girlfriends pointed out) that there would not be any big confrontation or attempt to legitimately kill him until the end of the year.

Instead, Harry chose to focus on schoolwork and the holiday season. He was especially delighted to discover his girlfriends had decided to give him his Christmas gift early and had pulled him into the Room of Requirements to give it to him one snowy evening. That he was somewhat bowlegged for the rest of the week probably had nothing to do with anything that might have occurred that evening.

Sirius walked about in a perpetual good mood as his wife's pregnant stomach became more pronounced. Though the abject displays of uxorious devotion and paternal pride did get a little grating, especially for his lovely wife; but Bathsheba took it all in with a smile, a headshake, and an "oh, Sirius." Though Sirius' giddy demeanor did not detract from his teasing of Remus to find a nice girl himself; if such comments happened to only occur whenever Tonks was around, it was pure coincidence.

Albus Dumbledore was, for the first time in months, feeling quite cheerful. After months of being constantly on the run, he finally had a plan that would get him back the fame, respect, and adulations he deserved. It was a good plan. He knew Voldemort would have to make a stand soon and chances were it would be towards the end of the school year (as seemed to be the norm for attempts on Harry Potter's life). After having snuck back into Britain, he'd managed to glean enough information about the approaching battle from one of the Death Eaters; before the poor soul had met his untimely end (such a tragedy, in Dumbledore's opinion, that the man had been killed by someone before he could be redeemed once Voldemort was gone).

Harry Potter would have to die, though. Not quite yet, as Dumbledore still had to find those Horcruxes. The upcoming battle would merely be Dumbledore's chance to swoop in and be the hero of the day. Then, once he'd finally talked some sense into the Ministry, he could arrange to have things put back to how they should be, how they were before. Harry had far too much freedom; that scheme Dumbledore had concocted with Walter Davis had fallen through, but that didn't mean he couldn't still finagle the plan back on track and get Harry under his thumb again. Walter Davis was one of the only people willing to remain his ally. All he had to do was get Walter to force his daughter to get Harry to marry her, and then Harry's fortunes and titles would be safely ensconced in the care of Dumbledore's ally as Walter would have absolute control over any assets his daughter would inherit upon Harry's death.

What Dumbledore didn't realize was that several monkey wrenches were about to be thrown into the works.

Marissa Davis nee Rowle had been waiting for this day. Oh, yes she had. The letter she'd written to Tracey had told her daughter not to come home this holiday under any circumstances. While to most Marissa's behavior towards her daughter appeared negligent and even rather heartless, Marissa did love her daughter more than anything else. That was why she couldn't have Tracey home for Christmas, why she'd been convincing her daughter to stay away from home as much as possible (Marissa would forever be indebted to the Greengrass family, and to the Granger family who had taken Tracey in last Christmas).

If that marriage contract between her daughter and the Goyle heir had gone through, Marissa would've sliced her husband's throat and have had done with it. All the times she'd pushed her daughter to find someone, anyone, she could be happy with had all been to prevent her daughter from suffering the same fate she had. And now, at long last, she was going to be free. They both were.

The potion had taken much trial and effort to brew. Something designed to make it look like Walter had merely died of a heart-attack, an old family potion that was completely undetectable. It had taken her this long to make because she'd never been particularly skilled at potions and her opportunities to attempt to brew it had been few and far between as Walter had never completely trusted her docile demeanor, not after how she fought back so viciously on their wedding night.

But here was her one chance. She'd make sure all her husband's affairs were in order so that Tracey would be set for life; Marissa would then follow her old friend Narcissa's path and head off to the French Riviera (Cissy told her she had a spare room in her suite for Marissa). Marissa had her own money waiting for her; her brother Thorfinn's 'tragic' death recently had left her as sole heir to the Rowle family and she had been holding up her inheritance as long as possible to prevent it from immediately being snatched up by her husband.

As she slipped the potion into the pudding, the night before the holiday train would leave Hogwarts, Marissa thought for a moment this might get her placed permanently on the "Naughty List." But that was a small price to pay when she would be off the next morning to alert St. Mungo's that her husband was suffering a heart-attack, mere minutes after he'd already succumbed to it.

She'd left a letter for her daughter at Gringotts, to be given to Tracey after the will was read, explaining why she'd done what she had. Marissa felt she would just be in her daughter's way, that Tracey might never truly forgive her even after she read the letter, and so she was going to bow out graciously and head in search of the freedom she'd thirsted for since she was a young woman, now reignited.

Tracey, meanwhile, was spending a pleasant holiday surrounded by people who could openly show they loved her. Harry had invited them all, each of his girlfriends and their families, as well as Neville and the Longbottoms, and Neville's girlfriend Hannah and her parents, to join him and his family (Sirius, Bathsheba, Remus, and the Tonkses) at the vacation home he'd decided to purchase in the tropics (manors were all well and good, but he needed to see the sunshine again). It wasn't so much a vacation home, though, as much as a small island in the exclusively magical real estate center in the Bermuda Triangle; something which caused Mr. Granger to exclaim, "I knew it!" as soon as he was told where the island was located.

"Does that mean Atlantis is also hidden here?" he'd asked Sirius.

"Don't tell me you actually believe in Atlantis of all things," Sirius chuckled. "That's nothing but an urban legend. Everyone knows that Atlantis was named after the underwater shopping district."

As it happened, in the center of the Triangle there was a giant pyramid made of some sort of glass-like substance that was unbreakable. This pyramid was the largest magical shopping district in the world and was named after Atlanta Kallikrates, the witch who colonized the magical islands of Bermuda.

"What causes all those disappearances, then?" asked Mr. Granger. "And all those storms?"

"Accidents of nature," Sirius explained. "Natural energy radiates away from the islands, causing freak storms and tidal waves. The islands are protected, but not by any kind of magic. People are just stupid enough to keep tempting the weather."

Of course, the weather in the very heart of the islands was superb and the families and friends took every available opportunity to enjoy it. The Bayly family, as it turned out, happened to have an island of their own not far from the one Harry had purchased. So, many an pleasant evening was spent that Christmas holiday in the company of good friends and family.

Tracey would not receive the news of her father's death and her mother's sudden departure until she returned to Britain as owl mail was inaccessible to the Triangle.

The rest of the following semester passed with little that was worthy of note. Bad guys were still scheming, Harry was still developing new ways to bring the magical world into the 20th-21st century and enjoying the company of his girlfriends, the OWLs were approaching, Sirius was getting more and more excited about the anticipated arrival of his child, and more and more blood-purists disappeared.

It was in June that the final blow was about to fall.

The Death Eaters, what few remained (except Bellatrix, who still refused to leave Voldemort's side), were holed up in their hideout at the YMACA. Their master had given them a precise date for when they would launch their final attack against Potter and all he stood for. It was a good plan, a lot of work had been put into it and Rookwood had even taken the trouble to write it all up on some very nice stationary (that he'd stolen). The Dark Lord had informed them not to contact him any time until the strike; at which point they had better go to the exact location of the final battle or risk suffering his ire.

What Voldemort didn't know was that not one of his Death Eaters would live long enough to see that final battle.

As his inner circle sat together, going on and on about why they hated Muggle-borns, they heard a loud thumping sound from out in the hallway. There was a sharp squeal and a cry of pain as the guard in front of the door to their conference room was disposed of. The Death Eaters all looked at each other, shrugged, and went on complaining. There was a loud ruckus as someone else must have entered the hallway. A series of crashes, squeaks, and horrific bangs finally planted a seed of doubt in their minds.

"Probably just that National Bocialist meeting in 22A," said Yaxley. "McNair, could you go check?"

Walden McNair, sometimes known to his friends as…"Tim" reluctantly rose from his seat, set down the five aces of spades he'd had in his hand for their poker game, and cracked the door open to tell the other residents to bugger off. What he saw made him slam the door shut and turn back to his comrades, face white as a sheet.

"What is it?" Lucius Malfoy demanded. "What's wrong?"

"It's here!" McNair gasped, a terrified glint in his eyes. "The Beast of Caer Bannog."

"What is that?" asked Yaxley.

"A creature so foul, so cruel tha' no man yet 'as fought wit' it an' lived! Bones of four-fifty men lie strewn abou' its lair! So, my friends, if you do doubt yer courage an' yer strength, come no further, for death awaits yeh all with nasty, big, pointy teeth."

Lucius and the other Death Eaters exchanged looks.

"I think we'll chance it," he said. "Open the door, McNair."

McNair grudgingly stepped away and cracked the door open for them to all look out. No one could see anything at first, but they were all getting anxious.

"Right, I'm going on," Lucius decided. "Keep me covered."

"What with?" said Crabbe Sr.

"Just keep me covered."

"Too late! There 'e is," McNair gasped, pointing out into the room. All that the others could see was a fluffy, white bunny rabbit.

"Where?" said Lucius.

"There!"

"What, behind the rabbit?"

"It is the rabbit."

Everyone turned to stare at him in disbelief.

"You silly sod!"

"Wha?"

"You got us all worked up."

"Well, tha's no ordin'ry rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent yah e're set eyes on."

"You tit!" snapped Yaxley. "I soiled my robes I was so scared."

"Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!"

"Get stuffed," said Nott Sr.

"It'll do you up a treat, mate."

"You manky, Scottish git," said Parkinson.

"I'm warnin' yah."

"What does he do, nibble your bum?" snickered Yaxley.

"He's got huge, sharp…er, he can leap about…"

"Go on, Amycus, blast its head off," ordered Lucius.

"Right, silly little bleeder," said Amycus Carrow, drawing his wand. "One rabbit stew coming right up."

"Look!" shouted McNair.

The rabbit let out a squeak as it lunged for Carrow's throat, ripping his head off.

"Merlin's pants!" Lucius shouted.

"I warned yah," McNair said in a sing-song tone.

Luna Lovegood skipped into the living area of the Founders' Quarters with a pleasant smile on her face, decidedly ignoring the uneasy stares being directed her way.

"Uh, Luna?"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"Why are you covered in blood?"

"Hmm, that's an interesting question, Hermione. A better one, though, would be: why are you not covered in blood?"

"You haven't been doing anything we might not approve of, have you?"

"Of course not, Hermione! I assure you, what I was doing is of no consequence and you most certainly didn't see anything."

Hermione felt she would be best served to not say anything else and go back to her book. Everyone else decided to do something to similar effect.

Chapter 32

The Webb's Wonder Lettuce Must Destroy us all

The school year was coming to a close, as it often did, and things had been relatively quiet that year. Harry and his year-mates were taking their OWLs (and were actually prepared for them this time), Peeves had gotten into the habit of slipping whoopee-cushions onto people's seats, no life-threatening incidents occurred on school grounds, and Sirius and Bathsheba's baby was due any day.

All in all, it was shaping up to be a pretty quiet year. However, things were not destined to remain so because of four people: Voldemort, Dumbledore, and Ron and Ginny Weasley.

Voldemort was in one of his 'moods.' His Death Eaters had been decimated and the few who had survived whatever had caused the decline outright refused to say what happened. His few remaining supporters were all on-edge and Voldemort had begun to fear a mutiny. What he needed to do was boost morale for his forces. He had to do something to restore their inclination to go out and sow murder and chaos, likely by an exercise in sowing murder and chaos. But he couldn't just waltz out into Diagon Alley with such a small and cringing group, especially not when there were Aurors on constant surveillance.

It was all that damn Potter's fault. Voldemort wasn't sure how, but he knew Potter was the reason for all his problems, even if it was Amelia Bones who'd gotten carte blanche for dealing with him and his Death Eaters. No, he knew Potter was somehow behind it all, and he was going to prove, once and for all, that no one makes a fool of Lord Voldemort.

It would be swift and sudden. An attack on Hogsmeade to remind the wizarding world that Lord Voldemort was still a very real and very deadly threat. No one would dare question him again. And, with any luck, Potter would be there and Voldemort could finally have his revenge. And use Rookwood's ritual to fix his appearance and get rid of his speech impediment.

He would be vindicated!

Dumbledore sat morosely in his current hiding spot, a cave just outside Hogsmeade. How had it come to this? He'd once been the most revered wizard in all of Britain and much of the outside world, too. Now he was reduced to hiding in a cave and left to gaze longingly into the distance at his beloved Hogwarts. It was probably not the safest thing to be so close to the school, but, of course, the last place the Aurors would expect him to be was in such close proximity to Hogwarts.

His plans had fallen through in the most outrageous and humiliating of ways. He was no longer the Leader of the Light, but instead a reviled and disgraced man on the run from the law. If only there was a way to get back some form of control. He just needed the proper leverage in order to get back on top.

He skimmed through the newspaper he'd pilfered from a trashcan. It wasn't particularly interesting as there was not much going on at the moment. However, his eyes alighted on an advertisement.

Doug Piranha's Hourly Rent-a-Mob Service

Need to launch an uprising? Blow up an airport terminal? Take over a castle inhabited by arrogant dicks? Then enlist the aid of Doug Piranha's Rent-a-Mob Service. We charge reasonable rates by hour and our mobs are extremely effective against groups that have only minimal numbers of experienced fighters as they are comprised of folks of dubious origins what won't be missed.

For more information or to place an order, send an owl to our address listed below. Or, for our no-questions-asked service, sneak in through the back window of that same address when no one's looking.

We hope you choose Rent-a-Mob for all your political or social insurgences.

-Doug Piranha

Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully. Yes, there was a chance for him to get back what was his. It would mean doing something morally questionable, but it was all for the Greater Good, after all.

Ron and Ginny were both of a similar mind, not a particularly smart one but of one mind nonetheless. They both wanted someone and were willing to even work together to achieve their goals. As has probably been made clear at this point, Ron wanted Hermione and Ginny wanted Harry; that neither one reciprocated those feelings was of no consequence to the two redheads. What they wanted, they were prepared to get.

"Ugh, nothing's worked so far, Ron," Ginny complained as they plotted their schemes.

"I know, I don't get why Hermione would choose Harry over me," Ron agreed.

Ginny was tempted to tell Ron that it was pretty damn obvious why, but held back as she still needed her brother as an ally.

"Love potions have not only failed, but now if we use them we could get arrested," she continued. "And even if they weren't, mum's still in prison and can't make any for us."

"Maybe we're just going about it the wrong way?"

"Ron, you're right! As hard to believe as that is. We need to take a more active approach! Find a way to get what we want by force! Now, how do we do that?"

Ron shrugged and picked up a conveniently-placed newspaper. As Ginny paced about the room, she caught sight of one of the advertisements.

Doug Piranha's Hourly Rent-a-Mob Service

A sinister smirk spread over Ginny's face and she drummed her fingers together.

"Excellent," she muttered.

"What? What's excellent?" said Ron. "Do you have a plan? Ginny, I'm not a mind-reader."

It was a warm summer afternoon when everyone headed down to Hogsmeade the weekend before the end of the school year. As was his custom for that particular time of year, Harry was relentlessly on his guard for any strange and potentially dangerous things as experience had taught him that Halloween and the end of the school year always have some sudden, sometimes life-threatening occurrences. So, despite the much more promising circumstances caused but his changes to the time stream, Harry was still wary as he and his girlfriends made their way down to the village for their scheduled group date.

"…so, I was thinking of studying abroad after graduation," said Tracey. "It's something of a tradition to take a bit of time to see the world once you're out of school and –Harry, are you listening?"

"Uh, yeah, Tracey, studying abroad sounds cool," he replied. "I'm sorry, I just can't shake the feeling like something's going to happen and I know it won't happen until I let my guard down and that's why I can't let my guard down, do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, Harry," Hermione said simply. "We've been with you long enough to know exactly what you mean by that."

"I'm not nervous," said Luna brightly. "I know everything's going to be fine. What's going to happen won't happen for a couple of hours, so we have plenty of time to buy candy."

"I thought you said you were going on a diet?" said Susan.

"I am. A candy diet. They've got plenty of sugar-free sugar at Honeyduke's. All the hyperactivity-inducing qualities of normal sugar with no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind."

"I don't know whether to find this cute or terrifying," Daphne muttered.

And so the group went about their business, enjoying their free time now that exams were over. They were in the middle of their very enjoyable lunch when the first sign that something was going to go horribly wrong made itself manifest in the form of hundreds of people, all of whom looked incredibly similar and had no distinguishing features, swarming upon Hogsmeade. Harry and the girls watched it unfold from the window beside their table.

The mob seemed to be made up of two distinct halves. One half was attempting to make its way to the castle and the other was apparently searching for Harry Potter and Hermione Granger so they could take the two to Ron and Ginny Weasley.

The second sign that something was wrong was when a very small group of Death Eaters appeared, at which point pandemonium ensued. Luckily, evacuation procedures went into effect thanks to Sirius, Tonks, and the local Auror contingent, and all the students and civilians were removed from the danger zone as the three different forces began to fight each other.

Upon obtaining permission from Madam Rosmerta, Harry and the girls climbed up to the roof to get a clearer image of what was going on. From the rooftop, they were able to ascertain the different persons responsible for the debacle unfolding below as Voldemort, Dumbledore, and Ron and Ginny were also observing from the safety of neighboring rooftops.

Down below, the Death Eaters were finally and completely torn asunder by the two bloodthirsty and ravening mobs. While the two remaining forces were doing a fairly decent job of finishing each other off, Harry was getting annoyed. A curious crunching sound drew him from his thoughts and he turned to see Luna eating what looked like a cabbage…or was it a lettuce?

"Luna, is that cabbage?" he asked.

"Actually, it's a Webb's Wonder," she replied.

"Good enough," he sighed. "Might I borrow it?"

Luna smiled and handed it to him. Harry withdrew his wand and began muttering an incantation he had stumbled upon one evening while looking through his family grimoire. Though why the spell could only work on a vegetable such as cabbage or lettuce, Harry wasn't sure he wanted to know. The spell complete, he chucked the lettuce from the roof straight into the midst of the fray. The mob stopped for a few moments to stare curiously as the Webb's Wonder began ticking. Then, in an instant, the lettuce exploded, completely destroying the mobs.

Harry knew it was inevitable, the whole prophecy deal meant this had to happen. So, he grudgingly made his way back down to the street, his girlfriends following behind him. They too knew it had all come down to this final confrontation. They knew Harry, for all the changes he'd been able to make, was still bound by the prophecy that stated he would defeat the Dark Lord.

As he stepped back out into the late afternoon sunshine, he saw Voldemort advancing with a determined look. Giving a resigned sigh, Harry also proceeded, wand drawn for the expected climactic battle between good and evil.

"Expelliarmus!" Voldemort shouted, much to Harry's surprise.

Harry felt his holly and phoenix feather wand fly from his hand and disappear somewhere in the grass. It seemed Voldemort was in his gloat-first, torture-and-then-kill-later mode.

"Hah! I've got you now, Pottah," Voldemort gloated. "You can't defeat me wifout a wand!"

"Oh no, whatever shall I do?" Harry said mockingly, his voice dripping with the irony of what was about to happen. With that, Harry withdrew his backup wand, the wand which hadn't been mentioned since its first appearance in the context of the story until now.

"Relashio!"

With that, Voldemort's left arm was severed.

"Now stand down!"

"It's just a scwatch," Voldemort retorted arrogantly.

"A scratch?! Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't."

"Well, what's that, then?" Harry gestured to the severed limb.

"I've had wohse."

"You liar."

"I lost my entiah body at one point. How is that not wohse?"

"I, well-shut up! Relashio!"

Voldemort's other arm was cut off by the spell.

"Victory is mine," Harry concluded. "Well, that wraps up that-agh!"

Harry gave a grunt as Voldemort started kicking his shin.

"Fight me, Pottah!"

"Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left."

"Yes I have."

"Look!"

"It's just a flesh wound."

"I'll have your leg if you keep this up."

Voldemort just kept kicking at him. Harry lost his patience and sent a cutting curse at the Dark Lord's leg.

"Wight, I'll do you foh that!" Voldemort snarled.

"You'll what?!"

"Come heah!"

"What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loony."

"The Dark Lowd always twiumphs! Have at you!"

Harry sent a fourth cutting curse at Voldemort, leaving him an armless, legless lump on the ground.

"All wight, we'll call it a dwaw," Voldemort said, realizing he wouldn't be going anywhere. Harry, however, had had quite enough of this nonsense.

"Humorus Exiticus!"

"What the-Ah!" Voldemort hardly had time to scream as a 16-ton weight suddenly dropped on his head.

"And that's the end of that," said Harry, pocketing his wand. "Well, who's up for dinner? I'm buying."

"It's not quite over yet, Harry," said Fay, pointing to where Dumbledore was attempting to sneak off.

"I've got this one," said Susan, cracking her knuckles.

Dumbledore knew he had to get out, and fast. His plans had blown up again. Seriously, what were the odds that all three forces would attack at the same time on the same day?

Perhaps there was still time, he could rally another force and then all he had to do was…

"Good afternoon, Mr. Dumbledore," said a falsely innocent female voice from behind him.

He turned just in time to see Susan Bones grin maliciously as she blasted him in the face with a Stupefy.

Susan, meanwhile, shook her head at the unconscious old man who had caused so many problems. She soon called the Aurors over and they escorted Dumbledore away. That he would wake up a few hours later with a broken jaw in a holding cell at the Ministry was of no consequence for the time being. As far as everyone was concerned, everything was settled and life could go on without worrying about a manipulative and interfering old man with delusions of grandeur and an overzealous devotion to the Greater Good.

"Whelp, looks like everything's settled now," Harry said with a relieved sigh. "It's okay, everyone, it's all over!" he called out.

There was an eruption of cheers. People were hugging and crying and dancing in the streets at the realization that Harry Potter had once and for all resolved the Dark Lord problem.

Remus suddenly found himself tackled to the ground by Tonks, who seemed to be making it her primary objective to wrap her tongue around his uvula as she snogged him.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Sirius interrupted them and they pulled away from each other. "Just wanted to let you guys know…" He grinned and gave them two thumbs-up. "That I am completely cool with it, go right ahead."

Tonks, needing no further prompting, resumed her attempt to devour the werewolf's face.

"The only thing that would make today any better would be if the baby arrived," Sirius said, looking to his wife.

Bathsheba gave him a sideways look.

"What, you think the baby's going to come now just because it's the day that Voldemort and Dumbledore got defeated?" she said evenly. "The only thing that could make that more ridiculous would be if I was giving birth during the battle itself, like some fictional cliché. The baby will come when he or she wants to, Sirius."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, I guess since everything's all wrapped up, we should have a party or something to celebrate," Harry suggested.

"What exactly does one wear to a 'Dark Lord's Been Defeated' party?" said Daphne.

Chapter 33

So Much for Pathos

It was a balmy summer afternoon when the Wizengamot was called in to try Albus Dumbledore for his crimes. Personally, Harry Potter would have much preferred to be having a picnic with his girlfriends now that school was out for summer holiday. Of course, his immense desire to see Dumbledore finally removed as a potential threat did compensate for the length of time it took to get through all the charges and testimonies; as Harry was one of the injured parties, he would not be sitting in judgement amongst the Wizengamot and so he and his girlfriends had taken up seats in the gallery. Harry's gaze drifted over to where his former headmaster sat slumped miserably in the chain-chair used to hold potentially dangerous offenders.

Things had finally gotten to some level of normalcy after the new "final battle" and the biggest threats to Harry's life and happiness were properly neutralized. Dumbledore was going to be sent to prison, Voldemort was nothing more than a puddle of ooze underneath a 16-ton weight (which had been officially made into a national monument), and as for Ron and Ginny…well, they actually got off pretty lightly considering everything that had happened. It goes without saying that the git and the fangirl were officially barred from Hogwarts, but their decision to hire a Rent-a-Mob had prevented Dumbledore's own forces from causing any damage, so they were simply required to attend psychological counseling and some community service. Whatever happened to them after that, Harry didn't care.

"All those in favor of conviction will raise their illuminated wands," said the prosecutor.

It was unanimous.

"Albus Dumbledore, do you have anything to say before we pass judgement?" said Amelia Bones.

"Yes, Madam Bones, I do," Dumbledore replied haughtily. "I admit, for the last century or so, I've been a lying, backstabbing, two-faced, despicable crook. But I had no choice. I was in politics. If I may, I will now go into a long and tedious lecture about exactly why what I did was in everyone's best interests and why you should let me keep my freedom despite my numerous crimes."

There was a collective groan from everyone assembled.

"From the very beginning, I knew that only I possessed the ability to impartially reason the correct course of magical Britain through the long and treacherous time that is the twentieth century. My start began one fine summer afternoon when I had just set the kettle on…"

People began pulling out magazines and novels to pass the time.

"…I mean I couldn't just throw Tom Riddle out of Hogwarts just because it was so obvious he was evil. Even if I was the most well-respected professor, I knew I couldn't simply open an investigation into the attacks of the 40s, even though I knew that acromantulas can't petrify people…"

Quills were set on auto-pilot as the court scribes began to doze. And on it went, with Dumbledore going over all his charges in the most clinical and boring description ever heard outside of Professor Binns' lectures. Harry began to suspect Dumbledore was drawing his speech out as much as he could so that the Wizengamot would just be so desperate for it to end that they'd forget why he was even there in the first place.

"…Madam Marchbanks never used to bother. But then, of course, she was very old, she was two-hundred-and-six…"

"How much longer is he going to talk?" Fay muttered from the seat behind Harry.

"For as long as he wants," Susan moaned quietly. "Damn rules say the defendant can give his final statements with no time limit and no one can interrupt."

Harry noticed Hermione, normally a great lover of lectures, was beginning to bang her head slightly against the short desk that protruded from the back of the chair in front of her.

"…And, of course, I deny most emphatically that I was ever romantically involved with that sheep, no matter what the medical reports say…"

Many people had fallen asleep. Even Madam Bones, who must have been used to such speeches from previous defendants, looked very near to going under from the sheer boredom.

"…Which reminds me of an extremely long story about how I got this scar on my leg that forms a perfect map of the London underground…"

Eventually, Dumbledore finally got to the end of his closing statement and everyone shook themselves awake.

"…And so, to conclude, I hope very much that you won't have to take away my freedom. Because, dear members of the Wizengamot, freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society. It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of his soul and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessed balm, the savior of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell, chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe or wakes the drowsy apricot betides?! What goddess doth the storm toss'd mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to?! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!"

There was a moment of silence in which everyone just stared at him.

"Right, thank you for that very…interesting final statement, Mr. Dumbledore," said Madam Bones. "The Wizengamot will now give their decision concerning punishment."

"Anything!" one member yelled frantically. "We don't care! Just get rid of him!"

"Please!" another added. "Just make him and his lectures go away!"

The ensuing fracas was calmed down after a few minutes and a decision was reached for life imprisonment. Many would have preferred to have him chucked through the Veil or given the Dementor's Kiss, but at that point no one cared one way or the other what happened to the old man as long as he was out of that courtroom. Dumbledore gave a resigned sigh as he was handcuffed.

"It's a fair cop but society is to blame," he said.

"Quite frankly, I'm against those who give vent to their loquacity by extraneous, bombastic circumlocution," said Luna. Everyone turned to stare at her. "Well, I don't like that."

"Sometimes, Luna, I think you're almost human," said Hermione.

Seventh year had come and passed, the innocent can never last…wait, wrong line. But yes, seventh year had finished after an extremely uneventful sixth, which had followed a very mild summer. Harry had finished packing up his belongings and went down to the Founders' Quarters common room to meet with the others. He took his usual seat at the table, where earlier had been stacks of papers concerning Splunge Inc., Hogwarts educational reviews, concepts for political reform, notes on new business, and brochures on exotic locations.

"All packed?" Neville asked.

"Just finished," said Harry. "Got your summer plans all sorted?"

"Hannah and I are going on an expedition to South America to study rare plant species."

"Excellent, Neville." Harry then turned to his girlfriends, who had already joined the gathering at the table. "And what do the brilliant masterminds behind our alliance have planned for the future?"

"Short vacation followed by entrance examinations for Miskatonic," said Hermione promptly.

"Working on my tan before working on my Potions mastery," said Daphne.

"Joining Daphne at the beach and then off to art school," said Tracey.

"Quidditch tryouts coming up," said Fay. "I may have a bit of free time before they come up, though."

"Searching for Snorkacks," said Luna. "I've come to believe they may prefer saltwater areas to freshwater. Then back to work for the good old Quibbler."

"And I've got Auror training in the fall," said Susan. "Right after a brief respite involving swimming, sunbathing, dancing, and volleyball."

"Well, this sounds like it delightfully coincides with what I myself had planned," said Harry with a grin.

"Oh, knock it off, Harry," said Fay. "You're the one who invited us to go with you to that resort in the first place."

Harry snorted and turned back to Neville.

"You and Hannah can drop by anytime, Neville. We'll keep the music loud, the drinks cold, and an extra suite open for you two."

"She still hasn't stopped talking about your engagement," said Susan. "I can't help but feel like I'm going to get roped into bridesmaid duty."

The news that Neville Longbottom had proposed to Hannah Abbott on the last day of school had spread like wildfire and it caused Harry to think about his own future. He was already set for life and didn't need to work, though he fully intended to keep up with Splunge Inc., but he knew his girlfriends were not inclined to settle down until they'd started on their own careers. While Neville and Hannah seemed to be practically joined at the hip since they began going steady, Harry's situation was a little more complicated.

Each of Harry's girlfriends had her own set of interests she was inclined to pursue and Harry had no intention of hindering any of them. Harry had come to the conclusion that Hermione, Luna, Susan, Fay, Daphne, and Tracey were exactly the women he was destined to be with (if he believed in destiny, of course), but he would respect their desires to help shape the world, even as he became slightly more disinterested in it now that his major adversaries were no longer in the picture.

For now, though, he would do what he could to help, love, and support them in everything they did.

"…And so, I declare this to be the Hogwarts Graduating Class of 1998," Headmistress McGonagall concluded her speech to the cheers of the students as they tossed their pointed hats into the air.

As Harry milled through the crowd, getting patted on the back by his classmates, he took the opportunity to really look around him. Sirius and Bathsheba were there, along with their little daughter Celeste, as were Remus and Tonks, and their newborn son Teddy. Everywhere there were joyful, smiling graduates and their families; they would live long, peaceful, and prosperous lives untainted by a bloody and pointless war.

Things would finally be right, things would finally be right for everyone.

As part of the Hogwarts tradition, the graduating class rode across the Black Lake in the same boats that brought them to the school as first years. So, Harry climbed into a boat, not minding who else got in with him, and slowly they all set off across the water. From out of the depths, the giant squid raised a tentacle and waved goodbye at them.

All was right with the world.

Several years later

They were on vacation again, this time visiting the island of Santorini. They were in their early twenties, either established in their careers or finished with their higher education. They were currently lounging around the pool, taking in the beautiful Aegean landscape. Harry had called this vacation as an opportunity to make the move his girlfriends had been waiting for. Harry had asked Hermione to draw up a dating schedule and, each evening, he took each of the girls out on a date and thereupon proposed to them in turn.

The girls now each wore an engagement ring representing the title they would be marrying into. Hermione as Lady Potter, Fay as Lady Gryffindor, Susan as Lady Hufflepuff, Luna as Lady Ravenclaw, Daphne as Lady Slytherin, and Tracey as Lady Peverell. The girls had agreed to a joint wedding that would take place next spring and Luna had already made a suggestion about matching garters.

"Seems that old Dumbles has corked it," Susan said, looking up from the Quibbler. "'Bout time, in my opinion."

"Oh?" said Harry. "What did him in? Age or illness or what?"

"Actually, none of the above. You all remember that blancmange that was terrorizing Britain a while back?" Tracey shifted slightly, refusing to meet anyone's eye.

"What, it ate him?" said Fay.

"It tried. It had gotten into the prison, ate a number of other prisoners, and then tried to get Dumbledore. Dumbles, however, was still holding up better than he looked. Since he didn't have a wand on him, he punched and kicked the thing so badly when it swallowed him that it exploded."

"Like a penguin on the television set," Luna muttered to herself.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Anyway, the blancmange exploded, but, you see…you know how Dumbledore had that addiction to lemon drops? Well, he'd been so deprived of sugar in prison that he…consumed the blancmange. The sugar content was so high it caused him heart failure."

"Huh, I'd always thought Dumbledore would go out in some huge, dramatic scene," said Daphne.

"Alone, destitute, and in obscurity was my assumption," said Tracey.

"Wood-chipper," said Fay.

"Wood-chipper?" everyone replied.

"Actually, not a bad idea," said Harry. "Too late now, though."

Thoughts of Dumbledore and his gruesome demise fled their thoughts, however, when Luna decided it was time to lose her bikini top and decreed it was only fair if everyone else did likewise.

All Harry could think was: I am the luckiest bastard in the world.

Chapter 34

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

It was many, many years since the end of the sort-of-war-that-was-mostly-one-sided-as-the-enemy-was-a-moron (wizards and their damn hyphens). Harry James Potter (Age: 175) was seated in a large wing-chair beside a roaring fireplace, a cup of tea resting on the table beside him. Across from him on the sofa, a tiny, blonde girl in a bright yellow dress and checkered converse shoes sat, a notepad and orange-ink pen in her little hands.

"So, what do you wish to know?" he asked the eight-year-old aspiring journalist with a warm smile.

"Well, great-granddaddy-"

"Ah-ah-ah, Diane," he admonished gently. "Professionalism."

"Oh, right, of course! Ahem. Mr. Potter, the magical world wants to know how you built the Potter dynasty. I mean, so much achieved by you, your wives, your children, and your grandchildren; how did you accomplish it all?"

"Well, Miss Potter, it was not easy and I certainly couldn't have done it alone," he replied. "In fact, if you want the real brains behind the whole thing you should be speaking to my wives. Anything I accomplished I was only able to do with their help and encouragement."

"Of course, everyone knows about the technological revolution of the early twenty-first century, but many of the readers want to know how it all started. What caused the changes? What all happened after the end of the war?"

"Ah, 'how it all started' is an interesting question and I suppose it is time enough for the truth to be known. My dear Luna informed me that she was told that the information may be unclassified now that everything is as it should be."

And so he told her everything, right from the beginning, not withholding any details. The little girl was, understandably, amazed and Harry knew it would shock a good many other people. It was good to finally get it all out in the open; after all, Harry hated keeping secrets, even if he had to for safety reasons (he wasn't Dumbledore, after all).

"And after you and your wives left Hogwarts, tell us about that. And what happened to the Weasleys? What about the other people in the story?"

"Well, it's quite a tale. But I really should get everything out, as I am not long for this world."

"Don't say that, I'm sure you'll live at least another hundred years!"

"That's very generous of you, Miss Potter, but I have no wish to linger even if I could. After all, it is the height of good manners to know when to leave. Being as old as I am does wear a man down after a while. But you wanted the rest of the story and here it is…"

Harry James Potter, wealthiest and most famous wizard in all of Great Britain, was quite proud to say that he was happy with his life. A couple years after graduating from Hogwarts, he and the girls got married in a joint wedding ceremony at the Potter family chapel. Harry had insisted on holding off the wedding until each of his then-fiancées had determined what she wished to do in life.

Hermione had taken up a post at the Ministry as an advisor to the newly-elected Minister, Kingsley Shacklebolt. Hermione's work allowed for many of the old, bigoted laws to be disbanded and for efficiency in the Ministry to reach record levels. In her spare time, Hermione took great delight in organizing the Potter family archives and library (which she was known to frequent), a pastime that soon turned into a secondary profession when she assembled a complete Potter genealogical record; after noticing her findings, other families had requested her help in studying their records and completing the missing parts of their family trees. In doing so, Hermione ended up discovering connections between pure-blood families and supposed Muggle-borns, leading to the revelation that many of the magical children from Muggle families were, in fact, descended from Squibs of pure-blood families who had been all but totally forgotten. In her marriage to Harry, Hermione became the proud mother of three brilliant children: Miranda Lily, Richard James, and Rosemary Emma Potter.

Fay still had her intense love of sports and took up a post as Beater for Puddlemere United, turning down an offer from the Holyhead Harpies in order to avoid working alongside Ginny Weasley (who had still not given up pursuing Harry, despite the restraining order). Fay took a short break from her Quidditch career when she became pregnant with her first child, Andrew Jacob Potter-Gryffindor. She took another temporary leave when she was pregnant with her second child, Margaret Anne Potter, but was soon back in the game.

Luna continued on to work for The Quibbler, this time as a professional journalist. With her Animagus ability, she was singularly responsible for uncovering an attempted government takeover scheme that was being planned by Draco Malfoy and several other Death Eater wannabes. Luna also did a great deal of travel and discovered many amazing creatures, some of which were ones she had told people about in her youth in spite of their skepticism; though she never did find the crumple-horned snorkack. Luna and Harry had four children together: Selene Pandora, Rhea Hermia, and the twins Lorcan Taranis and Lysander Ignotus Potter.

Susan had proudly gone into the Auror Corps and was due for a promotion soon. With her aunt retiring, it was expected that Susan would very likely be selected as the next head of the DMLE. During her time as an Auror, Susan had risen through the ranks faster than anyone in the history of the profession; her work in not only the rounding up of Dark witches and wizards but in the raising of standards for the Auror Corps had ensured that. She had also received Healer training which she put into effect quickly and efficiently whenever the need arose on some of the more…difficult missions. Her determination and quick-thinking were traits which seemed to have passed on to her twin daughters, Jessica Elizabeth and Martha Amelia Potter, who were now top of the second year class; though her now five-year-old son Edgar Michael Potter seemed to have the traits, he preferred to use them to cause as much mischief as he could while being aided and abetted by several of his half-siblings.

Daphne had decided to take up helping Harry with his business ventures. A result of her ideas for new products and expanding of the magical market was that she was frequently featured in editions of The Weekly Babble, an extension of The Quibbler which took over the topic of fashion and the successes of women from Witch Weekly (which had gone out of business along with its sister publication The Daily Prophet). One of Daphne's personal achievements was the launching of her own fashion company in the magical world, leading to new trends that replaced the outdated 'robe look.' Daphne's talent for dealing with people and her charming and charismatic nature eventually earned her the unofficial status of a Ministry representative to foreign diplomats and even as a liaison with the non-magical government. Of her many accomplishments, Daphne always insisted that motherhood was one of the happiest. Lucilla Marina, Archimedes Cyrus, Demetrius Kastor, and Calliope Juno Potter were the very embodiment of Slytherin cunning mingled with the refinement of the Greengrass family. Everyone knew that Lucilla and Demetrius were the masterminds behind many of the Potter children's pranks; however, no one was ever able to prove it.

Tracey, oddly enough, had become something of a homemaker. None of the magical careers really appealed to her and she enjoyed overseeing the management of the Potter family properties, ensuring that everything was running smoothly. In her spare time, Tracey did a great deal of painting and experimenting with cooking (though, luckily, there were no more incidents involving killer blancmanges). Tracey also proved herself a capable hostess, organizing many of the events at Potter Manor from galas to balls to simple birthday parties. Whenever she was asked why she didn't aspire for a career of her own, Tracey would reply that with everyone else in the family off doing their own thing someone had to ensure that the children who weren't at Hogwarts yet didn't blow up the house (something that came closer to happening than anyone realized). Tracey had always wanted a large family, a result of growing up as the only child of rather indifferent parents; so it was that Tracey became the mother of Matthew Harold, David Charlus, Aeron Gordian, Winifred Iris, and Elaine Marissa Potter.

Harry himself mostly focused on his business ventures, as well as his administrative duties in the Wizengamot. He did prefer working from home in order to help Tracey manage the household and to spend as much time as he could with his children. He also continued to improve things at Hogwarts; eventually deciding that Sorting the students into Houses caused more harm than good (students were now assigned to Houses according to year), and the option was put out to students to receive personalized portkeys that could take them home, no longer requiring students to board at the school if they did not wish to.

The Weasley family was mostly successful (with the exception of Ron and Ginny). Arthur's divorce from Molly was finalized and he married his old sweetheart Abigail. Arthur eventually retired from his Ministry job and went to work for Splunge Inc., doing what he loved best; enchanting Muggle objects. He made a good profit off selling his flying car idea to the company and eventually racked up a sizable fortune of his own. When his ex-wife Molly was finally released from prison, she was mortified to discover how things had turned; returning to her former home to discover her husband had divorced her and that there was someone else in her place had driven her to very nearly landing herself in prison again for attempted assault. Molly had no choice but to move in with her Aunt Muriel, where she lived miserably ever after.

Fred and George were also among the successful Weasleys. After finishing their NEWTs, as per an agreement, they received an investment in their joke shop from their hero Sirius Black. Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes cornered the market on pranks, jokes, novelties, toys, and a good many other items. Fred and George eventually settled down with their girlfriends, Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet, respectively.

Bill also continued in his career as a curse-breaker, along with his eventual wife Fleur Delacour. Their jobs with Gringotts took them on hair-raising adventures, exploring lost tombs and perilous jungle cities, rescuing ancient artifacts from smugglers and making love in exotic locations. But that is another story.

Charlie and Red also married. Red left her family's law firm in order to follow Charlie back to Romania where she rediscovered her love of magical history and anthropology and wrote books on the ancient magic and magical cultures of Romania and Eastern Europe. They still kept in contact with Harry, sending him and his family free copies of Red's books when they were published (something which Hermione appreciated the most).

Percy married his old girlfriend Penelope Clearwater and had a very peaceful and contented life as a chartered accountant. That's about it, really.

As for Ron and Ginny, well…

Ginny was accepted by the Holyhead Harpies, until her constant obsessing over Harry Potter creeped out her teammates so much she ended up alienating them to the point that they had no choice but to kick her off the team. She continued to stalk Harry and his family, even as work became difficult for her to find. Eventually, she snapped and attempted to assault Harry in broad daylight as he was taking his children shopping for school supplies. She was confined to the wing for the mentally unstable at St. Mungo's for the rest of her life.

Ron did a little better. Not much, though. He did manage to wrangle a job with his favorite Quidditch team, the Chudley Cannons, as their equipment manager. Of course, the years of being ignored and of everyone's attention being solely on Harry Potter did a great deal of damage to his psyche and, as a result, he ended up with an eating addiction (I mean more than his usual one). He met an untimely demise at age fifty-five when he was visiting his favorite restaurant and had just finished his seventeenth course. The scene went something like:

"Would sir care for an after-dinner mint?"

"No, I'm stuffed. I couldn't eat another bite."

"It's wafer-thin."

"Well…it couldn't hurt."

Unfortunately for Ronald, it did. The explosion was truly something for the record books.

Sirius and Bathsheba Black went on to live long, happy lives, along with their three beautiful children: Celeste, Leo, and Aries. The Blacks were frequent visitors at Potter Manor, along with the Lupins (Remus, Tonks, and their children, Teddy and Angela). Sirius retired from the Aurors and took up teaching Transfiguration at Hogwarts (as McGonagall was now headmistress; though she began contemplating retirement when the steady trickle of Blacks, Lupins, Potters, and Weasleys began).

Narcissa Black and Tracey's mother Marissa Rowle lived very long and happy lives. Together, they became renowned as trendsetters and philanthropists, neither woman remarried. Marissa did eventually reconnect with her daughter, but Narcissa stayed as far away from Draco as possible; Narcissa did, however, decide she wanted to be a mother again.

Narcissa's daughter, Estella Black, was the result of quite a heated but brief romantic dalliance with a very intelligent American Muggle billionaire Narcissa had met at a charity function in the Muggle world she was attending with her cousin Sirius and his family. Estella took after her mother in terms of beauty, but she seemed to have a deep fascination with figuring out Muggle technology and making it work better with magic, something that would lead Estella into working for Splunge Inc. and making a fortune of her own by harnessing magic as a clean and efficient source of natural energy.

Neville and Hannah Longbottom became known as the world's foremost Herbology experts. Together, they opened the Longbottom Gardens and Herbology Institute and Neville himself eventually went on to teach Herbology at Hogwarts, while still assisting Harry with Splunge Inc. Neville and Hannah had four children: Mary Frances, Allen Wilfred, Henry Robert, and Sarah Ann Longbottom.

The Potter children were each remarkable in their own rights, though considering their upbringings it was only natural. Harry, Hermione, Luna, Susan, Fay, Daphne, and Tracey all loved and respected each of the children and raised them to be strong-minded and independent people, but also rational individuals with more logic than most of magical Britain combined.

Of Harry and Hermione's children, Miranda had always been the quiet one. Like her mother, she was very timid and often kept her nose in a book. What a change it made when she proved to have a natural affinity for snow sports such as ice-skating, snowboarding, and skiing which got her involved in many competitions abroad while she was studying to become an anthropologist, helping expand that branch of knowledge in the magical world after being inspired by the works of her family's old friend Red. Miranda, as the eldest of the "Potter" heirs, was the designated head of the House of Potter, regardless of the fact that she had a brother as Harry had overturned the laws that required lordships to directly pass to male heirs.

Richard had both his mother's brains and his paternal grandfather's ingenuity and penchant for mischief, but also his father's love for societal advancement. He and his godbrother, Teddy Lupin, had collaborated on a number of projects together and even developed new forms of magical transport, including sky-ships (which they'd wanted to build ever since they'd watched the film "Treasure Planet"). Richard had even spent a few years in the non-magical military, hoping it would straighten out his rebellious streak a bit considering all the chaos he wreaked during his Hogwarts years.

Rosemary had grown up to be no less incredible, though mostly no one knew what she was really doing at one time or another, being a secret Hit-Witch while masquerading as a member of the magical acting circle of society did tend to put limitations on what she could and could not tell her friends and family. Like her father, she also had a love of flying and did occasionally do competitive broom-racing, in addition to being a falcon Animagus.

Lucilla took after Daphne in that she was quite proudly a public figure. As the heiress of Slytherin, she was expected to hold herself with dignity, though the people who got to know her discovered she had a liking for very stupid jokes. She held a firm grip on her goals, though, and was not someone you wanted as an enemy, especially considering she was aiming at becoming the youngest Minister for Magic on record.

Archimedes was more the simple soul and had his father's dislike of being the center of attention. He would tinker away with little magical and electronic gadgets with his brother Richard, but mostly he avoided anything that might make people take too much notice of him. Once he started to come out of his shell, though, it became clear that his ambition was to help others and so he took up management of the charities his father sponsored. As he became more open to others, he eventually took up a job as a teacher at the Pottermark Introductory School of Magic, an institution that Harry had begun work on to help ease the transition into the magical world for younger children (it wasn't a boarding school and it mostly dealt with the basics of magical education while focusing on the essentials of a normal one). He declined the chance to be head of the Greengrass family, passing it to his younger brother.

Demetrius proved to be very capable as Lord Greengrass once his maternal grandfather had retired from public life. He was very easy to talk to and soon found himself a secondary occupation working as a diplomat, like his mother had done. He was also a talented violinist and was known to perform at parties if requested. He also had a liking for history and wrote several books on ancient magic.

Calliope was born to be a professor. She had a natural talent for speaking and could hold anyone who listened to her captivated by her clear, concise, and fascinating explanations regarding spellcraft. She would spend many years abroad perfecting this knowledge before returning to Britain to take up a professorship at Hogwarts, eventually becoming headmistress.

Susan and Harry's twins, Jessica and Martha, always did everything together regardless of how different they could be in both appearance and personality. Both were unmistakably a team and no one would ever dare try to keep them apart, not even when it came time to enter the workforce. Despite the fact that Martha was an Auror and Jessica was an Unspeakable, the two were constants in each other's lives. While Martha took up the title of Lady Hufflepuff once Harry felt he was old enough to start handing out his titles to his children, Jessica had refused her mother's offer to let her become Lady Bones.

Edgar, like many of his siblings, was a staunch humanitarian and dedicated to helping others. It was because of this that he chose to become a Healer at St. Mungo's, pushing for new and innovative medical techniques he learned from having studied at Medical School in the Muggle world. Edgar eventually became Head Healer of St. Mungo's. While he was the heir to the title of Lord Bones, he managed to hold off on accepting the position from his mother until his eldest son, Harold Robert Bones Potter, had finished his own education and could be suitably handed the title instead.

Andrew proved to have an affinity for Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, something he eventually turned into a career working as a professional warder. This led him into the service of Gringotts as one of their chief warders, ward-breakers, and consultants in curse-breaking. With his father's retirement, Andrew found himself thrust into the position of Lord Gryffindor, something which he proved to be relatively good at, thanks especially to the assistance of his wife who helped get him through the more complex aspects of political life. After all, wards and Arithmantic formulae were easy for Andrew, but dealing with people, and politicians, was another matter entirely.

Margaret shared her parents' love of Quidditch and became one of the best Seekers the Scottish team had ever had; choosing to accept their offer over the one from England (something which the English team never forgave her for). She won international acclaim by her performance of a perfect Wronski Feint at the Quidditch World Cup. When her Quidditch career ended, she took up the post of flying instructor and Quidditch coach at Hogwarts.

Matthew had been a bit of a showoff ever since he was a child. No matter what his parents did, he never quite reined in that cocky and headstrong attitude. When he crossed the line, however, Harry made it very clear he would be out of the family if he didn't shape up. Matthew's relationship with his family did become a bit strained, showing that not everything goes perfectly, and he stopped speaking to his father entirely after Harry decided to bequeath the Peverell lordship to Matthew's younger brother David instead of him. They didn't reconcile until Harry's hundred-and-sixtieth birthday.

David pursued an interest in Law, becoming quite a respected lawyer and eventually working as the chief legal counsel for Splunge Inc. David was rather surprised when he was offered the Peverell lordship from his father, and only reluctantly accepted as none of his younger siblings were interested and Harry outright refused to give it to Matthew. Regardless, he handled his title with dignity and always voted according to his conscience.

With so many children, the odds were pretty high that at least one would be a Squib. Aeron happened to be the one Fate decided to not gift with magical powers. Harry had been terrified that his son would be bitter and resentful upon finding out he couldn't learn magic; however, Aeron, oddly enough, did not feel he was in any way inferior to his siblings and had the temperament quality that members of his family referred to as the "Oh, Harry" trait, in that he knew his father's attempts to do everything he could to make things fair for everyone were appreciated but still seen as frustratingly noble. Over all, things turned out really well for Aeron, who ended up going to a Muggle university and even on to graduate school with some of the best grades in his class. He made sure to keep in touch with his family, even as he began working in the Muggle world where people wouldn't look at him and instantly see the "Squib son of Harry Potter." He ended up making quite a decent fortune in his own rights as the owner of a successful company, crediting his father as inspiration.

Winifred, affectionately known as "Winnie," endeavored to become the youngest Potions Mistress of the age (beating Snape's record by two years). After that, commissions to work for various people began pouring in. She never really settled on working for just one group exclusively and always preferred to show up as a consultant and guest-speaker for any number of agencies, organizations, and schools. Her skill reached such levels of proficiency that, before the age of thirty, she had successfully invented the cure for Lycanthropy.

Elaine never seemed to escape being known as the "baby" of the Potter family as she was almost ten years younger than the next-to-youngest child, Rosemary. Despite having so many older siblings, Elaine was not insecure about her own accomplishments and quite proudly exhibited her talents as a professional dueling champion, artist, and gymnastics expert. She founded her own art institution which was riddled with trapeze wires from which she could practice her talents with the brush, magic, and unrivaled flexibility.

Rhea was the second-eldest of Harry and Luna's children, but by certain circumstances which shall soon be explained, she took over the position of Lady Ravenclaw in place of her sister Selene. From a young age, Rhea had shown an aptitude for Herbology and earth-based magic, something which caused her to spend a considerable amount of time with Neville and Hannah Longbottom's younger son, Henry. It was more or less a match made in heaven, and Rhea and Henry married only a few years after finishing Hogwarts and went to work at the Longbottom Gardens and Herbology Institute.

Lorcan was a bit of a wild-card in his older years, very different from the well-behaved, polite, and secretly sneaky boy he had been in his childhood. With a pierced ear, a leather jacket, and a motorcycle, he went where he wanted and did what he wanted. He would always come by at holidays or to occasionally visit his siblings and shower gifts on his many nieces and nephews. He was pretty secretive about what he did when he was off the radar, but he hinted that he spent a lot of his time doing things for the American government. The day he came home to announce his impending nuptials had everyone shocked as they never thought the young man would do anything so normal as marriage; indeed, most people thought he was just falling into one sordid love affair after another, though he neither confirmed nor denied such allegations, saying it was no one's business what he did with his life.

Lysander had been the "goody-two-shoes" and just did what he seemed to feel was expected of him. He prepared for his responsibilities as head of the House of Lovegood, which had since been given a noble title (that Harry had absolutely nothing to do with, honestly, it was all Luna's doing!). Like his maternal family, he did express himself through his interest in magical and non-magical creatures. What really threw people in a spin was the fact that he'd married Fred and Angelina Weasley's daughter, Roxanne, who was anything but mild-mannered and simple.

As for Selene, well, she outshone them all. It goes without saying that any child of Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood would be exceptional, just as Harry's other children with his other wives were all exceptional in their own ways, but Selene showed she had her father's luck. After all, no one but Harry Potter's daughter could find herself defeating a Dark witch so powerful she made Voldemort look like a dead parrot in comparison. As an added twist to the fate of this young woman, it could only be Potter luck that caused her to be crowned Supreme Empress of the Magical World. All Selene had wanted to do was get a Charms mastery, travel a bit, and marry that cute Muggle-born boy from Dorset. Instead, she got the job of running the entire magical world, even as the Statute of Secrecy was eventually dissolved. All she could say to her father on the subject was a very sarcastic, "Thanks a lot, Dad."

"Thank you for your insight, Mr. Potter," said the little blonde girl to the aged wizard. "We at The Quibbler appreciate this."

She hopped off her seat, gave her great-grandfather a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and skipped over to the fireplace to Floo home. Harry smiled and shook his head slightly before rising from his own seat and heading off to his bedroom. His wives were all waiting for him with warm smiles.

"It's tonight, isn't it?" he asked.

"Yep," said Luna with a sad smile. "The boys at the MoD are waiting for our arrival."

"It was nice of them to let us all leave together," said Tracey.

"Indeed," Daphne said with a nod. "I don't think I would have been able to handle us all leaving one at a time."

The seven of them all curled up on the bed together, as they had become accustomed to do. Harry, Hermione, Luna, Susan, Fay, Daphne, and Tracey, all together as though they were merely going to sleep after a long day. They were tired, it was time to go.

"Mr. Potter, how splendid to see you again," a cheerful voice greeted him.

Harry opened his eyes. It was the man from the Ministry of Death, whose office Harry had first walked into at the beginning of the story.

"And Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter, and Mrs.Potter, how lovely."

"You forgot Mrs. Potter," added another man that Harry recognized as the guy from MoD's legal office.

"Yes, my apologies. Well, you certainly got it right this time, Mr. Potter. We'll just escort you seven through to the other side, I know you have a good many friends and loved ones waiting for you."

"So, he really fulfilled his destiny this time?" Hermione asked.

"Certainly! Got things tidied up in the living world just in time for the Chosen One to show up."

"Wait, what?" said Harry. "What are you talking about?"

"Your daughter, Selene, of course! She was destined to become the magical messiah and usher in a new era of peace and prosperity for all. Couldn't do that if she hadn't been born, could she?"

"Wait, you mean to tell me this whole sending me back in time thing was just a ploy to ensure Selene was born and could become the magical empress?"

"Um, actually, yes. You didn't think everything would be so convenient on its own, did you? The folks in Fate had to do a lot of damage control."

"So you manipulated me, just like Dumbledore?"

"Mr. Potter, just because we needed you to do something that would lead to the dawning of a golden age does not mean we superimposed our own desires above your own. We left you plenty of room to choose who you wanted to marry, what you did with your life, and how you accomplished everything. We only tweaked things when absolutely necessary. And, after all, weren't the end results worth it?"

Harry exchanged meaningful looks with his wives and had to nod.

"I suppose you're right."

"Excellent. Now if you will just step through here, we'll see you all off to Heaven."

As Harry was about to follow his wives through the portal to the 'next great adventure,' he turned to look at the two MoD representatives.

"Will we ever see each other again?" said Harry.

"Who knows? God-permitting we'll all meet again in 'He's Not Dead Yet 2: The Search for Better Cultural References.'"

Author's Note: Finally! It's finally completely finished! *Blows a noisemaker* Time for cake and then back to my schoolwork. You all have been great, you really have. I hope to post some new stories in the future, keep a lookout. The scores stand thus: Harry Potter exists by three falls to a submission.

And Happy Halloween.