It wasn't time that stood still; it was my heartbeat. The coldness of the chains pinning me to the spot. The icy air at my feet. The veins straining in my hands. Everything had been abandoned inside a terrifying little sphere.
The world was covered with a film layer, and the more I looked forward through those layers, the more I recoiled.
His words sounded comical to me. I wanted to laugh once more, but my lips were frozen. My ears rang; the soft sensation of the pillow turned into the sharpness of a sword.
Ignoring the wound, my lips curved slightly.
I didn't dare look into the doctor's eyes. I only wanted to be the master of my own little world for a few seconds. In response, his gaze deepened. My heart shriveled like a frightened bird inside my ribcage.
"You want to remain silent," he murmured in a muffled voice. How could I hide that my breathing had quickened so much?
"Be quiet," I said in a measured tone. "Be quiet."
The word was crushed between my lips.
The smell of disinfectant was now as sterile as death.
The sound of gasoline (or perhaps it was a lie) flowing through the pipes, thumping against the walls, was a letter etched into my ears.
The doctor's voice trembled. He probably didn't even hear what was coming out of his own mouth.
"I'm sorry..." he whispered; the air drained from my lungs.
I deflated like a balloon with only a little air left inside.
"I would stay if I could."
He looked dead serious.
The words had long since lost their meaning.
The world turned upside down. Every light, every person, every street was a dull heartache.
As if finding his courage again, "I have searched for you all my life," he said in a desperate voice. "Even when I found you, I kept searching."
Underneath my eyelashes, it was suddenly wet.
I was surprised myself at how quickly everything was unfolding.
"These are your terrible lies!" I spoke, resisting the burning sensation in my throat.
"There isn't a single person in this damn Setup who tells the truth."
My eyes involuntarily drifted to my stomach.
"Tell me," he said in an even thinner, almost soft voice. "Tell me, so that I don't leave you here to die."
I snorted through my nose: "Leave me to die? You mean I'm your daughter, and you would sacrifice me for the Setup, is that it?"
This sentence felt funny and incomprehensible to me, yet a tragedy was hidden within it.
Could a father sacrifice his daughter for the Setup?
"What do you want to learn from me?" I asked sharply.
It was as if I wasn't the helpless one lying in bed.
And it was as if he wasn't someone using his power over me.
How much could I believe about this man who claimed to be my father?
I was afraid. Because his gaze belonged to a desperate man...
What if he really is my father?
Wait a second, I told myself. I silenced my pessimistic inner voice. What would happen then?
"What I want to learn from you is about your husband."
Why were my eyelashes constantly wet?
The weight of the water droplet in my eyes melted away as soon as it fell onto my cheeks.
"Mr. J said he is a traitor," I said, bewildered.
I was still struggling to perceive him as my father. I even thought there was a chance he
"wasn't." But a voice commanded me, "Let this matter go. Let it go and just let his eyes speak." There was pain in his eyes.
"Someone who wants to kill you," the doctor said. "Someone who wants to destroy the Setup along with you."
As soon as I remembered the wedding ring I had taken off my ring finger, I flashed back to the past.
To the first day I was imprisoned in the Setup.
No, to the day I came to the Setup on my own two feet.
He softened his voice, pressing on my vulnerable point: "Tell me about him."
I can't tell you about him, father. Because the love I never received from you, I found only in him. I can't tell you because I found everything you couldn't give in him. No, I won't tell you. Because when the nights refused to pass, I took refuge in his morning. I won't tell you; even as I'm about to die, I will find him by my side. My inner resistance broke. Will I find him?
"You've gone silent," he murmured. "Don't be silent for this long, my daughter."
"Don't call me 'daughter'." My voice suddenly sharpened.
"I don't know you!" I almost screamed.
"We... can still get to know each other," he whispered.
In that non-stopping moment, we were a rotating wave, a vibrating molecule.
"We can't anymore, it's not possible." I tossed the words aside like a heavy sack.
"I won't say a single word about Tarık. He is not a traitor. You are wrong. This Setup..." I lost my breath. "Whatever the hell this Setup is for, everyone in it is a liar. Everyone is a pawn. Everyone is a son of a bitch! To hell with everyone! Just shut up." I wanted to cover my ears with my hands so badly in that moment.
What remained was a fragment of silence.
"You are suffering a lot, but I don't want you to suffer more," he said, trying to catch my gaze.
From behind my misty eyes, as much as I could see from my horizontal position, "Leave me alone," I said. The last bit of strength left in me was going to kill me.
"If you don't tell me something, they will—"
He took a short, sharp breath.
I laughed more just to spite him. "What will they do to me? Burn me? And you... even though you're my father, will you allow this? A move typical of you."
"There is no gasoline in the pipes. I lied to you. The match in my hand is from a fake box."
"Hah, I didn't expect that," I shrugged.
"The actual truth is... they will take you back to the Setup. We won't see each other again. You will stay there for the rest of your life. You will struggle there. You will taste death there. Hunger, thirst, being deceived, betrayal, handcuffs tied into knots, being without a family."
"If I tell you something about Tarık, will they let me out of here?" I asked involuntarily.
Meanwhile, I was squeezing the blanket between my fingers.
I swallowed with difficulty. I felt the knot created by my swallowing right in my ear.
His voice echoed in the empty room once more.
How much did I know about Tarık?
Was he... really a traitor?
But how could someone who objected to the Setup be a traitor? At most, he would be a true fighter.
"The Setup is not a place for healing. It's an experimental setup created by a murderer. If Tarık betrayed this system... he did the best thing possible!" I vomited all my anger.
He stood up abruptly from the stool. "There are things you don't know."
"Tell me then, so I know!" I seethed.
Taking the possibility of him being my father into account terrified me so much. Especially believing that this could be a realistic possibility.
"The Four Faces of the Setup will see you."
Wasn't Tarık the Four Faces of the Setup?
That's what they had told me!
My mind was completely clouded.
The answer to the riddle in the bomb had to be this person. Once I faced the Four Faces of the Setup, I would get the answer to that question.
I gritted my teeth a bit more.
"Tarık?"
His eyes sharpened, veiling the red bags under his eyes with the weight of a father.
He stepped back, turned around, inserted the key into the lock, and left the room.
The door closed with a "SLAM."