(Friendly reminder: From here on, things are about to get more darker in terms of mindset.)
Aefia sat sprawled up at her sofa, with her shoes off, scattered across the sofa, and while hugging her knees. "It feels too lonely... To leave an empire that I went for just a visit." Her voice was heard only to herself as she looked towards the window of her room. "I guess that is why they say it is better to enjoy it while it lasts..."
Her position shifted, as she put her shoes back on and stared at the coffee table in front of her with an almost blank mind. "That Guardian... Is she immortal? Or is there just no way for me to leave this torture and find a better version of my life in this world?"
Her eyes diverted to her phone, which she picked up, but glancing at the time, she placed it down again. "I wish I could have had Nada come over with me... I won't have been feeling so lonely then..." Her fingers retracted, and slammed against the sofa cushions at either sides of her.
"Alright no! I am alright! I can't just be asking for more when I have enough!"
She abruptly stood up and put on her indigo overcoat, and stared at the luggage situated to the farthest corner of her room. She argued with herself whether to unpack the bag to spend her time or just take a day off. Her energy completely drained, but the soar and ache from the magic depletion the past few months completely subsided.
"I can't seem to understand for some reasons... Why was I given magic... If it were to be taken back anyways?" She whispered to herself while slamming her fist onto her desk with frustration taking over her mind. "This greedy world... What does it want from me? Why does this Guardian keep on tracking me wherever I go?"
"I have given away the last remnants of my sanity... And they still want more..." Her teeth gritted against themselves until her jaw felt like breaking under the pressure. "And if I run out... They will tear apart the people around me... I don't fear them taking away more people... But not the some that I am trying to protect with my own life force."
Her hands came to cover her face as she bit at her own palm to keep her mind from slipping. "I just wish... I had a mother's advice... I wish I had someone to tell me something to do in this world I don't even know how to live in! I wish to know how I am supposed to navigate this life while being a girl with the intelligence that eventually betrays her! I don't even think I am as intelligent as they call me anymore..."
She pulled her hands out of her face, staring at the burning, bite mark at her thenar eminence. But even the pain wasn't enough, so she went over to the bookshelve that had covered her entire wall, and all of the shelves occupied with books, more then half that wasn't even opened. She walked over to the space, and stared at the same spot for a long time, then reaching out her hand to grab at a random book from an entire line of them.
She flipped it open with calm eyes, but it didn't interest her, and then she reached to another, it didn't do the work she wanted it to do, then another, until the pile on the floor was intimidating. "None of these are helpful... Was I not given a single book which I could use to keep her mind occupied from these stupid thoughts?" She whispered to herself.
"And it was also your matter when you died so many times in your life already and your own cousin doesn't know..."
The words came back into her mind as she slammed her hand into a splintered wood, but she was too drained to trigger any immediate blood fall from her body. "Wow... That woman thinks she knows me... But why would I let my cousin worry over me..." She whispered as a reply while pulling her hand back to pick up another book, one about law, which she immediately threw away. "It's my matters." She muttered while selecting another one.
"It was your matter when the Count tried to poison her and you executed him, you were bullied and almost killed... But it is not your matter that the woman is killing servants close to you to just be the only one close to you. It is not your matter that she is trying to get your attention and be a lovely mother of a daughter for once..."
"Well it is my matter who I want dead..." Aefia spoke to herself while gritting her teeth and then throwing another book to the ground with a violent force, and it went on with repetition and added force. The room became a war zone in a short amount of time, and she didn't have her magic to be able to restore her room like before. Finally, her shelve was half empty, when she stepped back in horror and stumbled against a few books.
Her hands collided with the rugged floor and her eyes widened as she looked at the pile in front of her, she seemed as if kneeling to look for a specific book in the pile. "I was given such useless books that I don't even know why I did that..." She spoke while clenching her hands into a fist.
"But unless she took you in, you would have never been able to know the truth behind the competition and the lies you all were told..."
"What is up with my mind?!" Her fingers came to grab her hair in a tight grip as she slowly recalled the memory of the conversation she had with the Guardian of Silence. "I don't want to acknowledge her help! She is also the reason I am into this tight pull between life and death!"
"Well we will see. We will see if you can resist long enough... Everyone wants a mother's advice every once in a while... We will see if you will ever scram to the duchess's side to cry at her lap and ask for help."
At this memory, her mind recoiled as she let her limbs fall to her sides as she replayed the words inside her mind multiple times, remembering to add every details of the few words. "I wish... I had a mother's advice... She is a mother..." The words carelessly fell from her mouth as she glanced up to the pile of books. "What if I... Indirectly asked for an advice? ... She won't realize... Would she?"
But her thoughts were interrupted when the wind gushed in and wiped a few pages of the book that had been left open, causing the pages to flatter and then come to stop on a certain page that had the word that caught her eyes the most.
"It is possible to erase oneself from existence in every universe, even as a magic user or an outer world human-alien. And for the death to take place, one must have the intention to remove themselves from existence. Unless the intention is solid and someone doesn't wish to intervene, the death would happen. Thus, leading to the true description of a suicide."
Her eyes only came to lock on the term in bold. But her mind was fixated into something else completely, as she flashed a smile and stood up while dusting her knees and her shoulders. "I am not that stupid... I don't have the intention just yet..." She spoke while looking at the locket that was situated on top of her desk, and walked over to take it at her hand.
"But if anything happens... I will take my own life this time... Let the others deal with my problems for me after I die."
This time, her own words reflected into her mind as if someone had installed a cassette to make her start to feel guilty over her own words. She wrapped her fingers against the ruby at the centre of the eight pointed star, and turned to face the door. "I am just going for an advice... Not for reconciling... So it shouldn't be a problem... Should it?" She asked herself while pulling open the door.
Her mind occupied with what she wanted to say to the duchess or what ways she could interpret the request to the woman she didn't want to acknowledge as a true mother. "If you were asked to face a problem in your life that you are too illegitimate to solve just yet... Would you do it? ... Nah.. it sounds too suspicious and friendly... I need something more straight forward and normal terms. I definitely don't want that woman to know I am going through something..." She whispered while walking towards the door to knock, then taking in a deep breath before looking towards the door.
Suddenly, she felt hesitant as she looked through the gap of the door, that gave her a preview of the inside. Her teeth gritted, as her eyes widened. Her mind wanted her to turn back, not to enter. But the constant reminder of the locket at her hand was too intimidating to walk back.
She leaned in, watching the way Lewis was at the Duchess's feet, presenting the things that he had purchased at the place theu had just vacationed at. She felt her hand shake before she pushed it open, it was an envy that was creeping up her arms, and a sort of loneliness that made her want to step back and return to destroying her room.
I came to return a thing... The advice doesn't need to happen... I can get an advice from someone else... She let out a breath as a smile dropped onto her face, and a hurt feeling.
What am I doing? I am just an adopted child who is also a pawn...
What kind of a motherly advice can I get from her? And what is the point in destroying the moment they are at right now? Do I intend on being the same villain who breaks them apart? I must have truly gone insane.
"Besides... If I don't intervene into their mother and son moments, they will be a much closer bond in the future. I don't want her dead or taken away by the Guardian of Silence the way Nada and Ms. Avry was..." She whispered to herself while taking a step back, then diverting her eyes towards the hallway, but the locket at her hand felt like a heavy burden to her. Alright fine... Just a drop off and a walk away. I don't do more than this, and I don't say more then this too.
She heaved a heavy breath and knocked on the door, then pushing it open once she heard a 'come in' from the other side. She bowed her head and then held out the locket for her to see. "I just wanted to return it." Her face an expressionless that was a lie used to cover-up her current expression of wanting to run away immediately.
The duchess glared with a pair of widened eyes at Aefia. "But... I remember saying... That was yours to keep..." She added softly while calming her face down. At her lap, Lewis stayed seated on the carpet while holding a small jewelry box at his hand. They both watched as the she went over to quietly place the locket at the desk and then quickly walking towards the door again.
Finally, the duchess stood up after a long moment of hesitation. "Hold on... Aefia!" She spoke while chasing behind her and then placing a hand on her shoulder. "Aren't you going to show me what you bought back there?" A genuine, mother-like smile took over her face as she watched Aefia turn to face her.
"Actually, I didn't buy anything for myself..."
"Huh? Why? Was it too expensive or was there anything else you want? I could have gotten it for–"
"Nothing really interested me that would be useful at the same time on a daily basis." She sternly answered back while removing the hand at her shoulder. "So I didn't have anything to show..."
Why isn't she... Wanting to stay back? Like I thought she would? Like how I imagined she would? Why isn't she fighting Lewis for the attention?
"Then you can at least stay back and tell us about your days back there..." The woman asked while feeling rejected.
"Sorry... But you seem pretty busy. I don't want to interrupt your time. And I really don't have anything to talk about..." She answered back while taking her steps towards the door. "And I am pretty busy myself... I wanted to visit Merissa's house to get a few study sheets reviewed. And I have to be leaving now or her brother won't allow anyone to enter if the timing is wrong. They are a disciplined family, and I don't want them to break their discipline for me."
"Since when..." Lewis stood up while gripping the box at his hand and standing up. "Did you have a few study sheets left to review? You don't even write notes!"
The duchess looked at her with a curious look on her face. Come on now my child... Say the truth... That you don't want to talk to me with him in the room! Say it... And I will give you whatever you want... She gritted her teeth while waiting for a reply.
"Actually..." Aefia spoke while flashing a child-like smile, after hesitating for a long time.
"I just happened to be missing the familiar streets so I wanted to go out for walk. So if you don't mind... I want to head out now... To allow for an early return if I can." And with that, she left the room, turning the room completely silent with her departure. Honestly... Why did I have to come? She thought to herself while dropping her act and hurrying back to her room.
The duchess stood, completely stunned and shocked, while a little grieve-struck. Her mind was screaming, as if she was trying to kill herself for having failed another time.