I remembered that that all thing's why only happened to me? Just because world was unfair with me? Never, God gave me a chance too, but there was someone behind those. As far I know. Xiao Lin was not such an easy person to kill by strikes. He is a Moon Prince. Not belonging from These three realms of Purity, Poverty and Divinity. He holds strength more than the whole ancestors of Jade dynasty deities do. My spirit power is nothing compared to him. I may lose my seat as The God of War in a fight with him but he, he doesn't need a seat. He himself holds the power. He doesn't even have any disciple because it's impossible and unfair with his strengths and techniques.
But he left me. Disappeared into thin air, it's because,
Because he gave his life scale to me.
And indeed, it's true that, "Nothing is Consequence's"
So, it was him behind this infinity life. The countless reborning. The bittersweet memory of my past lives. And what I got in return, unlocking my memory. The memory of losing him. If he knew how much it hurts living without him as like as countless time death crashing my soul in every flicker of thoughts of him, my love won't leave me alone having this hellish life to taste this bitterest world without him. Because even the most beautiful moon light is also boring without my moon prince, my love, my Xiao Lin.
And the abilities of mine can't hold by this body so it's effecting. Not just the effects. It's making this body rots. I know I don't have much time left. But even if I found him again will we be able to stay together. The sacrifices he did is nothing compared to mine. So, all my life all I did is, for those filthy humans? Whom claimed me as a sinner. And I selfish coward couldn't do anything for him. That my love is really couldn't prove. Or he read me like open book that there will be just a pathetic way of sacrificing my valueless life. And he did make a way to protecting me from that too.
I couldn't stop but thinking about Johan too. But honestly even I myself were pretty confused about my feelings toward him. Also, a pang of doubtful betrayed thought stayed. And it made me sure that even as a human I can't get a human partner. The hatred of mine maybe cursing my closest peoples too. But I couldn't bare anymore that also how every time, every life my closest peoples, the peoples who cared about me always snatched by those stinky humans. They had to leave this world for this pathetic life. Like every time I remember that my heart crashes and giving up on living kept poking my mind like it controls it. But nothing lefts for me. I think of leaving, running away from everything. But honestly only darkness is only thing that keeps me. Without that place I have nowhere to hide, nowhere to stay.
My life started to become more hard, everyday fighting with this body and mind. Couldn't control anything. But I got busy using my Truth Eye left by my beloved. But it was another burden and weapon also for me because I am living in the earth with beasts and monsters. Barely could find someone who really worth of spending my time with. And its making before my eyes crystal clear. More than that I became more of sick seeing their thoughts and stinky aura.
Doctors, Hospitals were already becoming my often-visiting place. Because more I am pushing this body more its weakening. Countless injuries and flesh rotting happening, also I can't even eat foods like a normal person. As a human body can taste or should. Because plasma is also becoming my obsession and flesh is making it hungrier. Just to live I have to eat forcefully only the roots and soiled, though the foods taste like ashes. The smells of them making it worse. But the fun fact is I make the best human foods. Because, those who didn't have the taste, can share the importance pleasure of it.
Of course, I did made foods for humans, because I became more of an actor as living like her. And I can see how people really think inside about me, but I still tease them. Like I really hold some power. I am rude and sassy, but I am more of a wicked about using my ability of seeing their thoughts to make it fuel the fire.
And what made my life less boring was finding out people's life. Yeah, that's true no one is in peace, but do they deserve it? Because nobody's happy with what they have. Even I have that effects too. As like, while my beloved Xiao Lin and my friend Qing Xue Ye sacrificed their life for live my life while he gave me the chance to remember everything about my past life, to find him but I kept thinking of giving up, killing me this body too.
I started to love and hating this life at the same time. But at least I really can't live like this, still I clenched my jaw and kept bearing all those storms of life. What left for me is to live like this.
I found myself somewhere so beautiful. I was feeling so light weighted. Standing in the middle of an ocean where's no end. I was floating there, as my feet drowned in the water. So misty winds. Then I saw few memory taps surrounded by me. Every memory, everything of mine.
My head was bursting in pain. Like someone hitting it with an axe. I couldn't take anymore. My heart pounding as it will explode. I tried not to fall, so that I reached to grab the front staircase I felt I am not in the surface. I can't touch anything anymore.
Before I could understand I felt two mysterious all black and tall like sky touching figure grabbed me to take up. My eyes couldn't believe what's happening. If I am dead, then I am supposed to be at hell. But what is happening with me. My mouth was sealed. I couldn't even say a word. Just seeing everything with surprise. Then I became bound to them. Like they are taking me somewhere, Underworld?
A beautiful bridge. Two of that mysterious man standing beside there. Now I could see their head but that also covered with black bamboo conical cap. Though I could see it, but They are still taller than any tall tree from earth. One came to me with a bowl of water. Signing me to drink. By their scary black appearance, I couldn't help but obey but before that another came near gave me a flute, That jade ceramic flute. Maybe I seen it somewhere. Then I felt an awkward squeeze in my heart. Tear's dropping on the ground. I took it, as I touched it in a minute I fell on the ground. It's his.
This is my Xiao Lin's.
I looked at them as they reached for me with that bowl. Then I looked around, I understood it's the River of Lethe flowing under this reincarnation passing bridge, and the water they giving me is that Lethe water.
I remembered every single thing about my past lives. About me being Chen Jun.
I denied drinking it. I started to walk through the bridge and in the middle of there I felt I am disappearing. Then I looked back just said,
I will bear this time not to live for myself, just for him.
I knew they couldn't pass this river. As I crossed the bridge, I vanished from there in an instant. That flute left there. And there...
It also crossed the bridge.
Then all flash of memories I remember a lot pretty hazy and a lot pretty clear. So eager to write those clear one.
Xiao Lin made me create huge feelings for him. The momentarily. I don't care about if I like him or love him that way. More than that, I just crave his closeness's, clinginess's, his lovesickness. Like they made me drunk every time to forget about everything. I am addicted, and I am not getting my dose all those years. A rock like me expected to carry my flower; my Xiao Lin with me.
Days past like that with hopes of finding him, maybe as I re-borne, he is having the same punishment too. Because he deserves it by leaving me like that in misery. because he doesn't know in this cruel world, he is the only person who was just for me. Until one day I dreamt something so different. not any of my memory, not as dream. But like a message. A direct message from someone helping me to know about all those things. As like I was waiting for all my life to know exactly why this happened to me. My Xiao Lin. To break my doubt, sure he didn't leave me.
I woke up panting heavily like I felt I had grabbed a thousand weight full carriage I took for miles to reach.
My whole body were sore. Then I remembered every simple thing, and my eyes like lingering in horror.
The next morning, I was all frozen like I got drained out from a death right now. It took me whole day to recover. For the courage to follow up next. I could feel my whole body trembled to take that action. To know furthermore. Because I might can't take anymore. I can't bare again seeing him with those sacrifices for me he did behind my back. I can't add more pain. But I am also curious. Why the hell those all happened. Why God made me that vulnerable. Why I couldn't do anything for him while he gave me everything he could. Every little thing for me.
The whole day I tried to go out, scroll my phone, start back at gaming or anything to distract me. But I was still in the fear.
Should I really take the step?
The memory unfolding straight front of me?
And I did. Seeing him again. Unveiled everything.