"I love the smell of rain...do you?"
I think this was the first time one of my subjects didn't hate me outright. It was a weird feeling, I could almost feel happiness filling me yet I have no mouth the curl up to smile. I recreated the universe the best I could, in my eyes it was always like this yet something must have been off. Their interractions, their nature, their emotions, their hearts are wrong. I am still unable to understand them.
"Rain is just rain. It is supposed to cool you down in summer and make you sick in winter."
"So you enjoy it, that's nice."
"Why do you look so sad?"
"Well I never felt that good in my life, I always thought something was missing. Everyone around me felt so distant, so soooo far away that my hands could never reach them."
"They were always there. I don't understand."
"They were there yes but not within my reach. Every time I tried to get closer it felt as if they pushed me away further. I tried my best, I really have tried my best only to be thrown to the depths of loneliness."
"Why did they do that?"
"I am not different from you, I don't understand them as well. They are like weird creatures compared to me. It is as if we don't speak the same language or even live in the same world."
"Are you lonely like me?"
"Yes. I am lonely and when I look at myself I just feel pity. It is as if I myself was the reason of my isolation and not their actions."
"Don't blame yourself, humans are just weird."
"So will you stay with me? If you won't then I will just kill myself. Don't get me wrong I am not sad or anything yet there is just no reason for me to live. I am tired of openingmy eyes every morning only to feel the darkness of the night."
"I will always be with you, that is the least I can do for you. I want to be with you until the end of everything."
"You are weird. I never expected to say these words and hear these words from a being like you. I guess loneliness is loneliness everywhere."
"I love you."
"Where did that come from? I thought you couldn't feel anything, it wasn't your nature or something along those lines."
"I want to be with you until the end of your time...isn't this what humans call love?"
"I guess so... Well if that is what love is for you then I am in love with you too. I love the concept of you, concept of someone that wants me."
"I love you."
We spent years together. We traveled through her world, hoping to find a place where she felt like she belonged. That place never existed yet we both knew that as long as we were together loneliness wouldn't dig into our soul.
I begged her so many times. Please become one with me, please let me make you younger, please live with me forever and ever, please let me recreate you! Please don't leave me alone! I am scared! I am scared of loneliness!
I could never touch or smile at her for I never had a body of my own yet we loved each other until the day she died. Her skin was wrinkled, pale. I wanted to hold those slender fingers of her yet I have no hand to reach out with. I wish I had lips, so I could shout my love and kiss her chapped pale lips. I wish I had eyes so I could cry for once. With her death I met with my dear friend once more, the loneliness that always followed me.
I still remember her every now and then, wonder if I should have made another her. I recreated her universe in my image like the others yet there is no one like her, they are still faulty and not human. Knowing doesn't equal feeling, I know everything yet I don't know the feeling of the things that make one human, after all I am not one.
It was a rather weak laughter, a laughter that came from a small sense of accomplishment followed by the sadness of reality and the silence it brought.
What is she doing now I wonder. No matter what happened I am sure she must have left the city. There is like a month for her due date and I doubt brother or that old man would have kept it a secret if she was there. I am pretty sure that abomination left little to nothing behind so what did she use to leave? Did she even leave the city? I don't care anymore! Why am I supposed to care? I did my part she refused that's all! She must be happy wherever she is at the moment, I never saw her stop smiling for once. Why did her brother even attack me? I must have sneaked inside from her window but even if he saw me why would he pull a gun to me? Well at least he is gone for good, I ripped his abdomen and pulled iut his stomach. Just like the murder in the file so they will assume bot were done by the same person. I wiped the knife before throwimg it into the sea alongside the stomach. I am lucky that I had no blood on me...how did that even happen? Wait I didn't kill him did I? Of course why would I kill him, if I did so I would have been covered in blood...my hands were but nothing is on my shirt. I was just lucky?
In his hand was the sack filled with money, it's knife was also discarded alonflgside the notes covered in blood. He refused to check the clock as if that will make the time move slower. He wanted to return as early as possible so he started running. Just a few steps later there was a figure before him.
"Where were you?"
"Oh...Emil I thought you would be waiting for me."
"It is ten"
"Well...well I just lost myself in the wind, call it a spiritual awakening."
"Don't bother lying."
Emil reached forward and opened his palm revealing a small flame. It was blue and was no bigger than the flame on the tip of a candle. It was burning straight, unwavering in the wind as if it couldn't even reach it.
"If you lie I will kill you. You won't be the first."
What? Is this supposed to happen? Is this really because I am late or did he always plan on this?
"What the hell are you talking about? Why would I lie to you!"
"You didn't seem surprised about all the things you learned, refusing to return the church which has a paladin as it's father and more importantly your past crime. Are you really the person you say you are? Don't take this personal but I want to learn."
That flame must be the way he can check for lies. If he asks things about tonight I must give half truth answers that won't count as lies. To be honest I don't blame him as he has more than enough to be suspicious especially after this. He knows I can't do anything too and even if I lied there earlier I would still die in one attack. Color of the flame shows how hot it burns and that is hot enough to melt me or maybe it is just cosmetic. I can't take any risks so I must answer carefully but without taking too much time.
"No...no don't get me wrong I understand where you come from but you will see that I am just a weird person once this is over. Send your questions professor."
He could see Emil gritting his teeth as if he took his words as a taunt. With hatred behind his words he spoke. Why did his actions feel nothing along the lines of not personal?
"Question one: what is your name."
"Do you even question who I am?"
"Answer! The! Fucking! Question!"
"It is Antares!"
"Second question: what did you do tonight? List everything."
I just have to refrain from saying anything I didn't do and I will be fine. I am lucky he didn't ask it another way.
"I went to my partners home and learned that she probably left the city, she left nothing. I then went to the docks and then to the church to collect my money. I was hiding it under the floor of the building next to the one nuns stay in. They might even be called the same building. It felt like a safe place."
"You are engaged to someone?"
"No...we weren't too young for that but I guess I wanted to take things slower scared of fucking things up and that is the reason everything went downhill. It doesn't matter anymore."
Emil had a weird look on his face yet the anger took over as he shouted again with after realizing that the flame didn't change in shape or size.
"Third question: Why were you so calm during everything that happened today!"
I have to tell a half truth that is still a truth, I hope he doesn't question more or I am as dead as a mouse in a smelting oven.
"I have just seen and read worse. In the last few years of my life I decided to accept everything. Why would I be scared or shocked at something when I have powers beyond any normal human."
"Fourth question: What is in that sack?"
"My money of course! Well wish I could fit it all in a leather wallet but it is just too much. What is it? Are you jealous of hoe rich I am?"
"Fifth question: How did you get all that?"
"Well some came from my own jobs but most of it were what I got by selling the belongings of my brother."
"You have a brother?"
"Not related by blood of course. Wish we were then I would have been better looking."
"..."
It seemed as if with every second the flame spent still the frustration of Emil grew. His other hand was clenched into a fist with a twisted look on his face, a mixture of hatred and disgust.
"Did you run out of questions? Well you could have asked something like why are you refusing to return there."
"Why?"
"I am scared that we will ruin each other's lives again. Now that the woman woke up as well things woukd have gotten weird. He never let me get close to her room and she must be important to him, gotta leave them alone."
"Who is that woman you are talking about?"
"I don't know and don't wanna know. There is a feeling telling me that I would hate her if I knew."
Emil slapped the air and the flame dissappeared as he walked in a circle and then kicked the dust on the stone road before slowly walking away.
That was a close call...well since he gave up and all I guess things will go fine from now on.
"Don't leave me behind!"
Antares ran up to him before putting his elbow on his shoulder and speaking with a teasing tone.
"So? Are you sad you couldn't get rid of me? Worry not worry not, what would you do without this partner of yours?"
"I will kill you."
"Hoho calm down muchacho! I am like those leeches those charlatans put on people. I heard there is good money in leech business maybe we should get some."
"Muchacho? Wasn't that..."
"Yeah something those sleepy Ezyards are saying all the time. Wish they fell asleep on the battlefield too so the whole thing ended already."
Well he does look kind of weird...should I bring it up? To be honest I feel weird myself. I was just at the edge of death yet my heart is still as still as it was, I feel distant from the world itself.
"Does it weight on you?"
Emil stopped in his track for a second. He seemed to be conflicted about turning back to him or just continuing his steps. After a second or so he continued taking his steps through the streets of this country that has fallen too deep.
"What is weighting on me? I don't know what you mean."
"Did you kill your previous partners too? They probably deserved it but does it feel like there is a weight over your shoulders."
His voice seemed unaffected as if the hesitation from before never happened in the first place.
"I had seven partners before this. First one was like a teacher to me but he died of a sickness. The second tried killing me as he was a mole. I killed the third and the fourth, fifth died during a mission. Sixth got transfered and I killed seven."
As he reached out with the key in his hand he turned back. Under the stands of hair that covered his face were eyes that reflected nothing, no sorrow or regret.
"After a while you see them as replaceable."
"Well don't want to disappoint you but I am not dying that easily. I will be here for at least a year let me tell you that."
He is so bad at lying...right? Well I shouldn't push for things, I have things to handle. I have to figure out why I can't remember a thing or more importantly why he tried to kill me.
The house was small tk say the least, walls were covered with old white pain that was peeling off. The only light source were the gas lamps on each room. Entrance connected to the living room and the living room acted as the corridor for the bathroom, kitchen and bedroom. There was a faint smell of cooked meat in the air. Living room didn't even have a radio but instead it was just one leather couch which was slightly torn and a table. Table looked small. Maybe four people could sit together but two seemed to be for the better. There was an iron pot on the table and two plates and cutlery.
He walked forward and looked into the pot before smiling.
That is my recipe for sure! Meat cut in cubes and cooked in some water with a lot of salt until all the water evaporates. Just braised meat as simple as it comes. I should check the kitchen after he goes to sleep.
"I used to do errands in a restaurant when I was a kid. Did you eat the meat?"
"No you told me to wait for you."
"Oh...well hope it is still hot or we might start vomiting."
He sat on his chair in a hurry before reaching into the pot.
"Vomit? Why? It is just meat."
"And fat, that is like the main issue. Cold animal fat is just disgusting in texture and taste. Even when hot if you eat too much you will vomit for sure."
He dug in with his spoon and filled his plate before taking the first bite out of the meat, it was cold and the salt caused his face to shrivel up.
"Too salty...what are you waiting for dig in! Want me to feed you with my own hands?"
He looked up with annoyance before taking some to his plate. He stuffed four pieces into his mouth as if he never ate before in his entire life.
Why is he silent all the time? I know we just had a life or death situation but that happens every day. We go out and risk getting stabbed by a random person. It is just the same thing. Is he still silent cause of that is this what he normally is like? I can't live like this, I must do something.
"Did you know that mummy powder is used to make certain drugs? Some consume the powder itself and some turn it into small pills."
He dropped his for on his table before giving an annoyed look as if telling Antares that this isn't a conversation to have while eating something, he was right too. With the embarrassment of the moment both finished eating. Antares was the first one to break the silence and get up from the table.
"I will wash the dishes boss! I don't normally wake up so early so kick me if I am not awake."
"Could have just shook you but...your choice. Don'tforget the things we talked about today."
After he left Antares washed the dishes with just soap as that was the only thing in this rundown home and then listened for a few minutes to make sure he fell asleep before checking the cupboard and under the couch. There was nothing, no letters or anything that is even remotely close to a clue. He sat and the couch and covered his face with his hands before letting out a sigh of frustration.
No there is nothing. I can't remember this house, how we left the office and more importantly hoe everything happened. It is like reaching out to grab something yet nothing is there. Maybe I have lost my mind? Doesn't some madman have two personalities taking over from time to time? No why would all that happen now? What of someone tool over my body? Yes! Maybe that guy from the report did it and by following the report I have helped him achieve his goal, but would a wet organ even be used for mystical purposes? Some water wouldn't affect it right? So I must actually reveal this to captain? No what if they have artifact that can see if someone is controlled during a certain time? I would be executed by any means then. So I must keep it a secret? No if we somehow find this person I must kill them before Emil can use the truth thing on them. I must make sure they are dead. What will I do now? My partner is some antisocial doll and others ain't better too. Is this the life? Is this the life I want? I can't leave this city for now but still...can I even take her from the hospital? No definitely not, they would have my files and who would let someone mentally unstable to stay with a killer? What about brother? No they are not close at all. Their relationship is like that of strangers, like it has always been. Things were so nice...yet I was the only reason all these people gathered up and sat on the same table. To be honest I still wonder, what did I achieve with that table of values, table of shattered figures and tears.