-I BROUGHT CHIPS!!
I jumped, suddenly emerging from under my duvet when I heard the door burst open.
Chenbai was showering and I was resting; after all, it was past 11 PM, but Yao Hui was holding snacks and an empty bottle he'd found on the beach earlier.
I wondered what he was going to do with that trash, but he'd clearly thought of everything. Rui hurried over to sit next to me as we were all forced to sit in a circle around the bottle.
Chenbai was finally alerted by the laughter and opened the door a crack, the steam from the bathroom slowly escaping.
-What's all that noise?
He turned bright red when he saw me turn my head, even though he wasn't embarrassed to show himself shirtless in front of others.
-Chenbai, come play! Let's play truth or dare!
-I'm hurrying!
Well, I wasn't really in my element, but I saw Rui approaching to whisper some silly thing that had happened between him and Chenbai at the beach today. I chuckled without really saying anything, but that smile on my face alerted Yao Hui.
He was looking at me without saying anything while everyone else was busy doing something else, and finally looked away when I turned, realizing that whispering wasn't something to do in the middle of a group.
-I'm done! Oh? Muya's missing.
-He didn't want to come. He said he was too tired.
-That guy's always so grumpy
In a way, it made my life easier. If I wanted to relax, he couldn't be there. Who knew what questions he might ask me about my past? I would have had to take action every time, and in my memories, Muyang never made things easy with his actions...
Yao Hui took the liberty of starting since he was the organizer of the activity.
-Truth or dare? CHENBAI!
I was relieved it fell next to me and not on me...not in the first round at least.
-Truth.
-I don't have any questions for you...I already know everything...wait...
He took so long to think of something that I started looking at the starry sky through the window and blinking slowly; then he snapped his fingers, waking me from my drowsiness
-I KNOW. Everyone knows you're flirting with Shang, but no one knows why you're clinging to him like this. That's your truth! Why? For his money? For his body?
Yao Hui started to mime an embrace, which made Ise Chenbai very uncomfortable. Unconsciously, she slowly moved away from me as if to flee the question itself by fleeing its root cause.
-I...I...he's nice...
-Liar! You'll be reprimanded!
-Ah! I don't know, I like his face!
I looked at him, smiling, but he hid his face, curling into a ball as if he'd done something unforgivable. I patted his lower back to get him back on his feet, which only partially worked because he was doubly embarrassed afterward.
-What a shallow man. He could have at least said about the money. Well, that's Chenbai's job
Chenbai used his last bit of strength to spin the bottle, which landed on Rui. Rui, who had been rather confident with the dare, ended up having to post a humiliating video on Tok Tok. Enough to put any player off taking dare... A complete spin was completed without the bottle ever pointing at me. I could tell they were all hoping to ask me questions and that they had set up this game specifically to get me to answer.
-Damn! It's rigged!
-Haha...
I started scratching my eyes, and Chenbai, noticing, reached behind me to support me.
-Chenbai! Stop flirting and answer! Truth or dare!
Meiling was starting to get annoyed, so he chose dare against his will because he was only saying pointless truths.
-Kiss Shang! On the mouth!!
Rui woke with a start, staring at me wide-eyed, telling me not to do it. Rui wasn't the only one staring; Yao Hui and Meiling were doing it just as intensely...not to mention Chenbai, who had already made a hole in the back of my head from waiting for my approval.
-Guys, I'm not going to do that. This is going too far.
-I'm telling you to do it! You'll be punished!
-Give me the blame, it's okay
-The punishment is to get completely naked and dance, what do you prefer?
Chenbai looked at my innocent face and turned bright red. Between Meiling yelling at him to do it and my puppy-dog eyes, which had no opinion on the situation, he quickly lost it, and instead of giving up as I expected, he leaned over so unexpectedly that I jumped
...I didn't feel attacked. Her kisses weren't strange at all...and they were even captivating, to the point where I closed my eyes.
-Hehe, we'll leave you two alone...
Meiling was pulling Rui, too stunned to say anything, while Yao Hui gathered things from the floor to make his escape.
His lips wouldn't leave mine; no matter how gently I pulled back, his lips followed and continued.
-Sorry.
-It's nothing...
He kept his face so close to mine, wanting to get even closer. He cupped my face in his hands and looked at it intently, his face filled with such desire that I could read it like an open book.
-There...There's something I don't know...I've already gone too far...but...I'd like to know...
I placed my hand on his trembling arm. Was he going to ask me out? Now? I definitely wasn't ready to answer him, but I could still say I'd think about it
...if you like...boys...you too? Because...you see, I know...and I love you...but maybe it bothers you...I don't want you to accept it out of pity...or because you're just nice...I want...you to feel the same things I do...I know it's a lot but...
His heart felt like it was leaping out of his chest, my silence made the sound worse, and when I touched his temple, I could feel the beating echoing in his face. I didn't have an answer myself, and I had to admit that there was a part of me feeling pity that was pushing me to keep him close and accept his closeness.
What I had never wondered about was if...in the future...a future when I was healed...we might be able to love each other. He wouldn't hurt me, would he? He wouldn't be ashamed of me either because he's confident in public and stands by his choices...
He was healthy, I was completely rotten, and if there's anything I'd like to become, it's that. For that...I need him, so by accepting him, I'm selfishly giving myself a chance too.
I glared and pouted, playing with my fingers.
I was indecisive because I was afraid of making mistakes, but I knew very well what I had to say to him in the end.
-Chenbai...do you think I would have let you do all this if you didn't stand a chance? I'm not cruel...that cruel.
I was really embarrassed by what I had just said. Thinking back to Chenbai's words, he must have been incredibly embarrassed, and I had taken my sweet time replying.
He immediately hugged me tightly and jumped up to do a cartwheel in the room.
-How lucky am I?!
-I-I... I don't know how to gauge this... it partly depends on the events...
He opened the door wide and I saw him run off to the beach before rolling in the sand and coming back with grains in his hair. I had been afraid he would run away crying after I hadn't told him we were officially dating, so I had run after him to the door, but in the end he was just acting crazy.
-Didn't you just take a shower?
-I don't need to!
-Haha.
He finally turned off the light before throwing himself onto the covers, far too excited to sleep.
I was snug under my covers, having put on my winter pajamas after rinsing myself with cold water to process what had just happened with this ball of positive energy. He kept looking at me, so I had no choice but to open my eyes again, which, finally accustomed to the darkness, could clearly see his smile and his crinkled eyes.
-Go to sleep.
-Okay.
He kept saying yes, but he wasn't asleep at all. After fifteen minutes, when it was already past midnight, I was about to get annoyed, but he kept tossing and turning.
-Are you sure you don't mind that I'm a guy?
-Don't worry, I've had feelings for boys before. I don't care about gender.
-WHAT?!
He sat up abruptly in bed, stiff as a board. He must have woken everyone else by talking so loudly that we were getting hit by Meiling on the wall.
-Shut up when you're having sex! Sex is private!
-Shut up! You're out of context, Mei!
He was even more disturbed than before, but I had already turned over in bed, now with my back to him and closed off to discussion. He understood on his own that I didn't really want to talk about it, either because it was pointless or because it had gone badly.
He didn't insist any further and, true to his nature, put his curiosity in a red box, not wanting to upset me by being intrusive.
By doing nothing, by waiting silently and simply gaining my trust, he thought that slowly
he would manage to make me feel comfortable enough for me to open up of my own accord
I understood this form of respect very well, and that's also why I had accepted Chenbai. He's a good boy, almost like an innocent child, but he buried his dark side, only letting it out when absolutely necessary.
That morning, I woke up around 9 a.m. Chenbai, who had had trouble falling asleep, was lying haphazardly in bed, fast asleep.
I wanted to surprise him, so I was getting ready to go out in silence, but Yao Hui opened his door at the same time as me and looked at me with small eyes.
-I was waiting for someone to wake up. I didn't dare go get something to eat by myself.
-What do you want to eat?
-Doujiang Youtio
-Wouldn't you like something easier to carry to the others?
-Oh dear, they should have just stood up if they wanted to eat.
I was getting steamed buns for the others; there was one shaped like a penguin, so I took it for Chenbai. I knew Rui preferred fruit, so I got a box of fruit salad to share. And of course, while I was ordering that, Yao Hui was in the back eating everything on the terrace.
I went to sit in front of him, putting my bag down beside him.
The sun was already quite high, and the shade of the parasol didn't hurt.
I took a still-warm bun to eat from a small piece of paper, not wanting to pressure him to finish his breakfast quickly.
-So, you're going out with Chenbai then?
-No. Not yet.
-You have...you know...
He put his finger in the bottom he had formed with his other hand, and I giggled, shaking my head
-Nothing happened. We just talked.
-Then why was he rolling in the sand yesterday? We all thought he'd been possessed by the devil or taken drugs.
-Not to that extent, surely...
I was eating while checking my phone to see if my mom had called and I'd inadvertently missed her last night or this morning.
Yao Hui saw this as an avoidance of the conversation, thinking I had something to hide. He didn't have Feng Yu's patience and wasn't going to bother asking me questions.
-I understand, Chenbai. If I saw a girl with a smile like that, I'd roll in the sand too...the thing is, you come out of nowhere and it's hard to picture you.
-You mean I seem ephemeral?
-You even come up with clever words, you're annoying me lol
His words just now had scared me...because if what he was saying was really true, then I was just a shadow to everyone, even to Chenbai, who claimed to love me. If he had this feeling that I could leave and disappear at any moment, it must have hurt him more than I thought. It wasn't just a simple crush anymore, from what I understood. But there was Fui, whom I loved above all else...even though I was starting to tell myself that I had to move on from him because he had built his life without me, and I was slowly isolating him from his happiness.
-They're all exhausted, no one's woken up?
-It's the holidays, let them sleep.
-You say that, but you'll wake Chenbai up, won't you?
-Have I been found out?
He went back to his room to put on his swimsuit, already wanting to go swimming. Meanwhile, I put down the bag of food and leaned over Chenbai's face, who was sleeping like a baby.
-Are you hungry? I bought you a present. I tasted it, it's so good.
-Hnh...
He grunted, so I rummaged for the bun in my bag and held it under his nose.
-Eat it before it gets all hard.
-...Shang...?
He finally sat up on his bed, his hair scattered like a bird's nest. I placed the bun in his hands for him to eat.
-Let's share-
-I've already eaten one. This one's for you, I chose the cutest one on purpose.
He looked at me with his half-asleep eyes, his vision probably still blurry. He moved his eyes back and forth several times.
-Really...? Oh, that's so cute. It's like we're really a couple.
-Often things happen when you really think the opposite, you know?
-...huh?
He joined Yao Hui at the beach without swimming because I had invited him to do the shopping with me for the others. He knew a little about their tastes, so that would help me, and meanwhile, Rui woke up and decided to move along and eat his fruit on the way.
Rui and I were worried that nothing good would happen in Chenbai's presence, but once at the supermarket, we isolated ourselves in the fruit aisle, so it was fine.
-You didn't sleep with him, did you?
-No. Nothing happened at all. I can't show him...
-Push him away next time...don't let his pretty face fool you
I watched him search for the juiciest melon to eat with the others. I don't know why, but the thought I had this morning on the way to the bungalow... it hurt. It broke my heart, and I didn't even know where it came from.
I would never have thought of it normally, but it was like a thunderbolt in my head, like I was opening my eyes
to something I wanted to hide.
I was in love with Rui; I had never stopped loving him, even when Muyang was there.
Now that I only have him, I'm no longer concerned by this dilemma, while he is at the heart of it without even knowing it.
He complains a lot about Meiling, but he loves her very much...
She makes him laugh, she's full of energy, she sticks her nose into everything, but she's nice and pretty... and she's always dragging him.
into activities that make him shiver. By making him doubt his connection with Meiling, I'm depriving him of this happiness, I who belong to the past and have nothing good to offer him...
I'm obsolete, but I cling on like a parasite, and I even pushed him to cheat on his girlfriend.
I'm the bad guy in this story, I already knew it, but now... it hurts even more.
I was so pathetic... hurting him too. And even if I don't hurt him now, I will in the future.
-Smell this. It's sweet, isn't it? Shall we have two since there are six of us?
-Whereas... two is good...
I smiled at him as I put them in the bag with the rest. Even though I knew, I wasn't going to tell him we had to stop. I didn't want to. I was happy with him...like this...and I didn't want things to change drastically, even if it meant letting things stagnate with Chenbai.
-I found some cakes. Can I have them?
-Take whatever you want...
I was washing the fruit at the tap in the shared room behind Muyang's room...he hadn't gone out, so I suspected he could come in any minute, but I didn't care. I was annoyed enough not knowing what to do with Rui. If Muyang had replaced me, that was his problem...I didn't want to replace him.
My thoughts weren't very clear that day; I had trouble smiling like yesterday or even inventing excuses to get away
I was just watching the sea, sitting on my deck chair in the shade, waiting for the sun to set.
-You still don't want to go swimming?
-I'm a little cold and I don't really like seawater...
Chenbai smiled and put his hand on my hot head before going to lift Meiling, who had stolen his float, and then threw me into the water.
In the meantime, we had to buy a second float because Yao Hui was jealous and...we were still kids. Kids without problems, right? I was scratching my chest without realizing it because I was suffocating a little. A few minutes later, I left the beach to rinse off my bleeding body.
It was disgusting...no one could ever like a body that looked like that.
-Where did he run off to now?
-Shang? He told me he was going to charge his phone
Someone throw him in the water or he won't set foot in it.
I thought I could manage the first week easily, but it had already been three days and I felt strange not swimming. Finally, the next morning, I went out alone and waded in the water up to my mid-thigh in my swim trunks. Of course, I kept my large, thick t-shirt on, but at least I was enjoying the waves a little before the sun got too high.
I suddenly felt hands on my face and a force pushing me down.
-Oh!
-Don't panic, it's me.
I let him after recognizing Rui's voice. I let him touch my hair while covering my eyes with my other hand.
-You're getting up early these days.
-I'm not sleeping very well.
-Why?
-I don't know.
He smiled as he watched me looking at the waves after finally removing his hand from my face. I didn't know exactly what he was thinking or even if he was happy or not, but oh well, I was happy to see his smile again. Seeing those expressions on his face had become essential with the thoughts I was having at the moment.
-You're so cute. Can I give you a kiss?
-You're so cute too, but absolutely not. If anyone sees this, we're busted. We might as well throw ourselves into the water with rocks
-In that case, when, huh? Didn't you promise me a private beach?
He was going to sit down in the sand and I was getting out of the water to join him.
A private beach...so... I wasn't reassured by the idea of doing things behind other people's backs, but it wasn't so bad. I wanted to be with Rui; it was a void I could only fill by acting this way.
The sand stuck to my thighs and feet, a few grains ended up climbing up my calves...that feeling of cold water mixed with the smell of salt, I loved it more than I wanted to admit. I pretended to hate it so as not to arouse suspicion, but it was a double punishment. I desperately wanted to swim without being able to expose myself to the outside world.