'I'm starting to understand why people make songs about sex while screaming and extreme bass.'
There's no doubt, they are in rage, that's a fact.
I can confirm that because I am in rage right now and want to listen to exactly that kind of music.
I want someone to scratch my brain with a fork.
Nothing is happening, yet I don't feel happy or sad, just wanting my brain to get scratched with a knife.
The other day I overheard my family saying that I do nothing but play all day, so that day I deleted all my games.
To make sure I won't play again, I deleted my accounts on those games as well, now I have nothing to do because there is no longer a homework to keep me occupied.
'This is what I wanted for one third of my life, so why am I complaining?'
I stopped wanting to exist a long ago, but I didn't want to die, that was the difference.
In my search for a way to stop wanting to live I only found one answer that always gets drown up by my desires -to stop all the reasons to feel joy.
'Getting an addiction might be faster, but-'
-but I was raised to be a good kid, so I don't know how to do something like that, plus my mind keeps asking, what if they find out about [X] or [Y] on my [N] account, so why?
'Why do I so strongly want to live when is such a pain?'
That is because I already analyzed something: My life doesn't suck, I suck, so why should I waste it?
Who knows what my next life will be like?
Torture?
'I'd want that, probably my body not though-'
Having a happy and healthy life?
'I would rather not, though my body would be in peak condition.'
When I get like this and I don't think before I do something, I usually regret it later, so I try to not do anything.
But I fail. I hate it, but that would make me closer to my goal.
'Now that I am conscious of it, I doubt I'll do it again without a push.'
My cousin calls me.
There's one game I left alone because I'd be weird if I suddenly quit playing everything, plus I wouldn't last, so I kept one game to not let my family get suspicious of my silent attempts.
"Yo, how do you make invisibility potions?"
"Night vision plus fermented spider eye."
I read it from the wiki.
'He's lazy enough to not switch tabs for one second.'
Now that I think about it-
'-He asked me because he was too lazy to search it up, not because he didn't know how to.'
'What was I thinking about before he called? I can't recall'
I honestly can't remember what I was thinking about before the call. I remember the feelings I had in that moment, but not the theme itself.
'This happens too often.'
By the time the call ends, I completely forgot what I was feeling as well and now ... Nothing. No rage, no weird 'since I am alive, I shouldn't be', nothing.
Usually, I'd watch some anime or eat and get my excitement back, but this time, I don't feel like it.
Something similar happened in the past as well, but that time, it was because I made myself do it without a reason.
That ended in a failure, because I picked my games back up again, but now, I hope it will stay like that.
'What am I supposed to do?'
'Life was easier back then. I was delusional and living in my own world, so my life was worth something, but now.
Honestly I can't enjoy life, not even 1 tenth of how much I enjoyed back then.
I'm not stuck in the past, I'm stuck seeing reality and missing my delusions.
Looking back, I lived in a world close to one from an anime. A copy paste school romcom with little character writing.
At least I changed from how much of a weirdo I was before the pandemic'
It's weird, being alive.
'-I honestly can't recommend it.'
I think that, but I still do it, so I could consider myself a hypocrite.
'It's hard to write a realistic story where nothing happens.'
Because that is what this is, a story where nothing happens, with no define time or space.
'I could be at school right now, or on the toilet and the reader wouldn't know.'
Only if I'd tell them, but honestly, why would I?