Captain Holt stood near the elevator with his hands folded neatly behind his back, posture perfectly straight. He was holding a folder at his back. His voice carried across the bullpen with calm authority.
"Great news, everyone. Madeline Wuntch has been kidnapped."
The bullpen froze.
Jake slowly rolled his brand new ergonomic chair away from Boyle's desk and turned toward Holt with cautious curiosity. "Sorry, Captain. Did you say great news or just news that made you feel great?"
Terry stepped forward quickly, trying to rein things in before the celebration got out of control. "Sir, we don't even know if it's a kidnapping. She could've gotten into a fight with someone close, then she might have broken a few things to vent her anger and maybe gone somewhere to clear her head... Like a sudden vacation."
Holt turned his head toward Terry with the slow, precise motion of someone offended on a spiritual level.
"Sergeant Jeffords," he said evenly, "Madeline Wuntch taking a vacation would imply she has a soul capable of relaxation. The last time she took time off was during the Dark Ages, and historians still debate whether that was a vacation or a strategic retreat back to hell."
Jake clapped his hands once in delight. "Oh, this is good. This is top-tier Holt versus Wuntch material."
Amy immediately pulled out a notepad. "Wait, wait, we should document these. Captain Holt's insults are historically significant."
Holt continued as if the interruption had not happened.
"Furthermore, the idea that Madeline Wuntch would simply disappear voluntarily is absurd. If she were planning a vacation, the first sign would be a sudden drop in the Earth's ambient sulfur levels."
Rosa leaned back in her chair and smirked. "Solid theory."
Boyle leaned toward Jake and whispered excitedly. "He is really going for it today."
Terry rubbed his temples. "Sir, I understand your... feelings about Deputy Chief Wuntch, but we should stick to the facts."
Holt nodded once. "Very well. The facts are as follows. At approximately 7:00 this morning, Madeline Wuntch failed to appear at a scheduled meeting with the Commissioner. Her driver reported that she never exited her residence. When the officers arrived to perform a welfare check, they found the front door open and signs of a struggle inside."
The bullpen immediately snapped into detective mode.
Amy was already scribbling in her little notepad. "Struggles like?"
Holt opened the folder he was carrying and flipped one page. "Furniture overturned, broken glass in the foyer, a security camera disabled, and a shoe."
Jake squinted. "Just... a shoe?"
Holt nodded. "Yes. One shoe belonging to Madeline Wuntch. Presumably left behind during the abduction. Though it is possible the kidnappers simply could not tolerate being in the presence of both of her hooves at once."
Jake slapped Boyle's arm. "Boom! Hoof joke! Captain is cooking today."
Boyle nodded enthusiastically. "It's like roast night at a comedy club but for demons."
Amy cleared her throat loudly. "Guys."
Ray had been leaning quietly against one of the desks, arms crossed, watching Holt. His eyes flicked briefly to the photo inside the evidence folder before returning to the captain.
Jake finally pushed himself upright and rolled his chair back to his desk with a proud little spin. "Okay. Serious detective time. Someone kidnapped the Captain's arch-nemesis."
Rosa tilted her head. "Or someone tried to return her to hell and messed up the coordinates."
Holt ignored the commentary and continued.
"The case has been assigned to us. Given the potential political implications of a deputy chief disappearing, the Commissioner wants results quickly."
Terry sighed. "Alright, everyone, you heard the captain. Let's treat this like a real investigation and not a holiday." He mumbled. "Terry hopes it's just a sudden vacation."
Jake raised his hand.
Terry looked tired already. "Yes, Peralta."
Jake spread his arms dramatically. "I'm just saying. If someone kidnapped my worst enemy, I would also call it great news."
Holt gave a small nod of approval.
"Exactly."
Amy shook her head. "We are not celebrating a kidnapping."
Holt clasped his hands behind his back again and gave Amy a small approving nod. "You are absolutely right, Santiago. This isn't the time for celebration. We should burn incense and pray for the kidnappers since they have taken Satan herself."
Amy slowly lowered her notepad and stared at him. "Captain."
Holt continued calmly. "Imagine their terror when they realize the ritual circle does not contain her."
Jake slapped his desk in delight. "Oh my god, he doubled down."
Boyle leaned toward Jake, whispering with awe. "He's unstoppable today."
Terry let out a long breath and rubbed his temples again. "Sir, respectfully, we should focus on solving the case instead of writing demon fan fiction."
Holt turned toward him with perfect seriousness. "Sergeant Jeffords, I am fully focused. Finding Madeline Wuntch is important. If she remains missing for too long, the balance between heaven and hell may collapse."
Rosa leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. "Pretty sure hell has been doing fine with her running things remotely."
Jake raised his hand again. "Captain, quick question. Hypothetically speaking, if we do find Wuntch tied up somewhere, are we required to untie her immediately or can we leave her for like... five minutes?"
Amy pointed a pen at him. "We untie her immediately."
Jake nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, but what if the rope is really complicated?"
Amy glared at him.
Ray quietly watched the exchange for a few seconds before pushing himself away from the desk he had been leaning on. His tone was calm when he spoke. "Where was the residence?"
Holt walked over to Ray's desk. He opened the folder again, took a photograph and slid it across the desk toward him. "Brooklyn Heights. Private townhouse. Security system was disabled between 6:12 and 6:18 this morning."
Ray took the photo and stood up.
"I'm putting you on the lead for this one, Detective White," Holt said as he put the file on his desk. "And I'll be in my office, making some phone calls."
He went straight to his office.
Jake slowly raised his hand again.
The grin on his face was so wide it practically needed its own desk.
Terry saw it immediately and pointed a finger at him like a disappointed parent. "Wipe that grin off your face, Peralta."
Jake tried to push his lips down into a serious expression. It lasted about half a second before the smile crept back. "What grin? This is my natural face."
Terry folded his arms. "You think you're getting this case, don't you?"
Jake nodded eagerly. "I mean... yes. Obviously. This is a classic Peralta situation. High stakes, dramatic rescue, Captain's sworn enemy. It's basically my Avengers moment."
Terry shook his head slowly. "No."
Jake blinked. "What?"
Terry pointed toward Jake's desk, where several folders were stacked like a small mountain. "You currently have five open cases that you haven't closed yet. Five. Terry checked the board this morning."
Jake looked around the bullpen like someone had just informed him the sun had exploded. "Five? That seems excessive. I feel like the legal limit for pending cases should be two. Maybe three if they're light crimes like jaywalking or aggressive pigeon feeding."
Amy didn't even look up from her notes. "You have six, actually."
Jake pointed at her in betrayal. "Why would you know that so quickly?"
Amy finally looked up. "Because I keep track of the precinct's case progress. Someone has to."
Jake leaned toward Boyle. "She scares me sometimes."
Boyle whispered back, "She scares everyone sometimes."
Jake glanced at the pile, then back at Terry. "Okay, but those are all... background cases."
Terry raised an eyebrow. "Background?"
Jake nodded confidently. "Yeah. You know. Low-energy crimes. Chill crimes. Crimes that are vibing."
Terry leaned forward slightly, voice firm. "Solve those first."
Jake's grin collapsed.
"WHAT?"
Terry did not move. "You heard me. Until those cases are closed, you are not touching the Wuntch investigation."
Jake slumped backward in his new chair like someone had unplugged him. The chair rolled slowly away from the desk with a soft squeak.
"My chair has brought me nothing but pain," he muttered.
Terry turned to the rest of the squad. "Amy and Charles."
Amy straightened immediately, already ready to work. "Yes, Sergeant."
Charles looked between Jake and Terry like a child caught between divorced parents.
Terry continued. "You two will assist Detective White with the Wuntch case."
"YES!" Amy threw a fist in the air.
Jake shot upright again. "Wait. Charles?" He pointed dramatically at Boyle. "Charles? From work?"
Boyle gave him an apologetic smile and raised both hands slightly. "Sorry, Jakey."
Jake stared at him as if he had just been betrayed in a soap opera. "You can't just leave me here alone with my unfinished cases. We're partners. This is a sacred bond."
Boyle leaned closer and lowered his voice. "Think of it as a temporary separation for professional growth."
Terry clapped his hands once. "Focus, people."
Amy was already standing beside Ray's desk, flipping open the folder Holt had given him. Her eyes moved quickly across the evidence photo.
Terry turned his attention toward Rosa next.
"Diaz."
Rosa looked up slowly from her chair, boots still resting on her desk. "Yeah."
"There's a new scammer operating in the city," Terry said. "Guy's targeting elderly women in retirement homes. Seducing them and convincing them to hand over their money."
The bullpen went quiet for a moment.
Jake blinked. "Wait."
Boyle blinked too. "Wait."
Jake turned toward Terry. "Did you just say seducing?"
Terry nodded.
Boyle looked horrified. "Old women?"
"Yes."
Jake leaned back in his chair slowly. "I hate this case already."
Terry continued. "So far, he's scammed over thirty women, all over sixty years old."
Amy winced.
Boyle clutched his chest. "That's so cruel."
Terry added the final detail. "One of the victims is the Commissioner's mother-in-law."
The entire bullpen reacted at once.
Jake pointed dramatically. "Oh, that guy is dead."
Boyle nodded urgently. "Super dead."
Amy shook her head. "This is going to be a priority case."
Terry looked at Rosa again. "You're on it."
Rosa slowly leaned forward in her chair. A slow grin crept across her face.
"Some guy is running a romance scam on grandmas?" she said.
Terry nodded. "That's right."
Rosa cracked her knuckles.
"I'm gonna break his nose and knock his tooth out."
Jake leaned toward Boyle again and whispered, "I feel bad for the scammer."
Terry nodded approvingly. "Good. We need this guy caught fast before he sweet-talks half the city's retirement funds away."
Jake looked between everyone slowly.
"So let me get this straight," he said. "Ray, Amy, and Charles get the high-profile kidnapping case."
He pointed at Rosa.
"You get the silver fox romance scam criminal."
Then he pointed at himself.
"And I get paperwork."
Terry nodded calmly. "Correct."
Jake slowly sank back into his new chair again.
"This chair is cursed."
Boyle leaned toward him sympathetically. "If it helps, Jakey, I will send you updates from the field."
Jake pointed a finger at him. "No you won't. That will make it worse."
Ray closed the folder and slipped the photo back inside. He looked toward Amy and Boyle.
"We should start with the townhouse."
Amy nodded immediately. "I'll pull the security logs and building records."
Boyle grabbed a notebook and jumped up eagerly. "I'll check nearby businesses for cameras."
Jake watched them stand and head toward the elevator. He placed both hands on his desk and sighed deeply. "I could have been rescuing the Captain's mortal enemy."
Rosa walked past him toward the exit with her new case file tucked under her arm. She stopped just long enough to pat Jake's shoulder. "Don't worry," she said flatly. "If we find the old lady seducer, I'll let you arrest him."
Jake perked up slightly. "Really?"
Rosa shrugged.
"If he's still alive."
Jake blinked. "Okay, that sounded threatening but also encouraging."
Terry clapped once again to bring the room back to order.
"Alright, people. Move."
The bullpen finally burst into motion as detectives grabbed files, jackets, and coffee cups.
Jake stayed in his chair for another moment, staring at the pile of case folders on his desk. Then he sighed and picked up the top one.
"Fine," he muttered. "But if any of these criminals turn out to be secretly kidnapping Wuntch, I'm calling dibs."