""What in the world is happening?"
Yohan mumbled, staring at a signboard, eyes filled with refusal, utterly stunned.
It can't be... How did this happen? Darn it — why did they do this?
He let out an exasperated sigh and tore his eyes away from the small menu board hanging off the side of a compact street cart.
Ugh... why did they have to raise the price of shawarma.
He tightened his fist around a crisp, rusty-red 100 Rosi note, standing outside a shawarma stall with his school bag on his back.
It was such a good meal — gave me just enough energy to train. And now it costs 120 Rosis.
He started moving, gradually shifting his gaze away from the stall with unmistakable disappointment — head hung, shoulders dropped, shuffling like a half-mutated zombie.
Guess I'll just start making it at home myself. Still, why would they raise the price all of a sudden... wait — yeah. I heard the Government recently signed a covenant and increased exports. Argh, why did they have to increase exports when our own nation is already struggling with resources.
"...Could you help me load this?"
An extremely lean man — looking well past retirement age, deep-tanned skin, not a single dark strand left on his head — spoke in a humble tone beside the road near a pedal cart, hands lowered toward a seemingly heavy cardboard box.
Yohan's eyes snapped to him immediately. He tried to say something — but before the words could form he had already reached down and taken hold of the box. He thought to say something. Okay. No problem. Sure. Something like that. But he didn't — or couldn't, who knows — and simply loaded the box into the cart and walked on without waiting for a response.
Maybe that's what life feels like for someone with autism.
Whatever... And I'm not exactly versed in economics, so I can't go criticising the government or anyone over something I myself know so little about.
He turned right into a narrow alley.
I can at least buy some eggs for 100 Rosis from here.
He came across a Radio & TV workshop — an old vintage set on the corner of the wall was broadcasting a flashy news segment, visible through the open panels of the shop. It drew Yohan's attention idly as he walked by.
"...has finally been terminated by the Anti-Terrorism Investigation Unit in a roadside encounter."
Yohan slowed his pace, listening.
"He was driving a matte black hatchback near the Primary School of Lightmason District. The Unit also recovered the body of a young girl found in the vehicle — her age and identity are yet to be confirmed. It has been claimed that he was involved in child trafficking, with a probable intent to act against students at the District School. The department has begun investigating possible accomplices currently in operation, and has confirmed that he was also implicated in a serious assassination attempt on the Development Minister..."
Yohan's eyes narrowed slightly as he passed by.
'Who knows how much of it is true...'
He took a deep breath.
'Whatever — I've got more problems to think about. It's already October and the first phase of the exam will begin any day this week...'
He glanced at the sky. A tear slipped down his cheek, his face otherwise unnaturally calm.
'And yet I can't make any noticeable progress in my core awakening. What in the f*cking hell is happening?!'
He grimaced and dragged a hand down his face.
"See — you'll end up like him too if you keep reading novels all day..."
Across the alley, Yohan caught a teenage boy whispering to the guy beside him, gesturing in Yohan's direction as they walked past in the opposite direction. The whisper hadn't been quiet enough. Yohan glanced at him with awkward half lidded eyes — having heard every word.
As Yohan's eyes landed on them, the other guy immediately knocked his companion's hand down — the one pointed casually at Yohan.
Yohan stared at them blankly, hand slowly dropping from his face as he kept walking. He didn't know what to do or say — so as they drew level with each other, he simply gave them a wide, open smile.
Indeed it was not a normal smile. Not for those two, at least — though it wasn't forced either. The moment it landed, both their expressions tightened into something pale and uneasy, and they turned their eyes away instantly.
'Hein?!' Yohan frowned, scratching his temple.
''Uh... what?" He sighed, eyes closing. 'Yeah — I know. My smile is ugly. My friends used to tell me every time I smiled, but I didn't realise it was this unsettling too. Poor them. I think I scared them.'
More like just uncomfortable and gross. Not scared.
Please, shut up — my inner devil may cry. His face became comically depressed.
Wait, it reminded me of something. Never mind.
He turned his head to the right, catching his reflection in a glass door. 'Maybe I'll start wearing a mask again, like I used to. I don't want people around me thinking I've gone crazy — making weird expressions and talking to myself.'
He cracked his fingers in his usual rhythm — pinky to index, looping back.
'Wait — why am I even concerned about people's judgement? Eh... ah... no, maybe I just don't like attention. Or people staring at me. It makes me more anxious. Ugh... The hell am I even thinking?'
He quickened his pace and reached the end of the alley, stumbling out into a corner grocery shop that opened on two sides. It was a small local place where Yohan usually picked up his regular items — situated at almost equal distance between school and home, shelves lined cleanly with household basics, food, and snacks.
Behind the counter stood a single man — the shop's owner, somewhere in his early thirties. Every time Yohan saw him, he felt a complicated knot of regret and envy settle in. The man had a perfectly shaped, almost disarmingly charming face.
Yohan couldn't help the string of irrelevant questions that followed — had he ever auditioned for modelling? Was he a playboy in his teens? Though he looked far too guileless for that. Why wasn't he married yet? Or wait — what if he didn't like gir— uhm, never mind.
The point was, every time Yohan looked at him, he saw wasted potential like a supercar left to rust and gather dust in an abandoned garage, with no owner, for years.
"One small crate of eggs." Yohan said to the owner. The owner reached down to the side and placed a crate on the counter.
"Here — 48 Rosis!"
"Ah. Okay." Yohan handed over 100 Rosis, took his change, and made his way home in a hurry.
Even eggs have gotten expensive. Screw them — what's with the sudden surge? The same crate cost 36 Rosis last week. Is there some war going on, or what? Oh right — what was I thinking about? The exam. It could happen any day now. Since it'll only be at school level, it should be comparatively easier than the subsequent phases — though I can't really assess the difficulty of any phase, let alone predict it.
As he walked, he kept his gaze low, staring at the ground, completely zoned out — his left fist opening and closing in a steady, ordered rhythm.
Around 40 students from my school are taking part, myself included — and out of all of us, only 3 will advance to the next phase. From what I know, the school phase will just be a casual duel between all 40 students, ranked by an external supervisor based on performance.
I wonder if any of them have already awakened their cores, or if they're simply trying their luck. Who knows... I never bothered to make friends with any of them.
But you can't slack just because you're underestimating them.
Yeah, no need to remind me. I'll complete the goals I've set no matter what — that's what I promised.
Even so, it feels like I've plateaued. Ah... no wonder it takes at least a year of dedicated work to come anywhere near awakening a human core.
Hm... I think it's time to try that Conjuration. I don't believe in anything like that — but I don't see any downside in attempting it, so...
At least be honest with yourself.
I am being honest. I'm just curious. And... doubtful that something like that actually works.
Yohan reached home and slipped inside without a sound — no footsteps or creak of the door — and was making his way toward the stairs when a sobbing voice reached him from the room across the hall.
He moved closer, peering through the gap of the open door.
"I'm going to quit this job if it carries on like this. The wages are too low — even with all the overtime."
It was his sister's voice. He could see her back from where he stood. His mother was seated a little to the side, out of his line of sight — and out of hers. They were both on the matted floor. On the other side of the room sat a low wooden table flanked by two chairs, and an air conditioner was fixed into the wall beside the door. Coffee-brown curtains covered the window panes on the opposite wall. Across from the AC wall, numerous papers had been taped up — daily routines, study curriculums, important dates, a calendar — all written out by hand. The remaining walls were painted sky blue, while the AC wall alone was dressed in white decorative floral prints.
"On top of that they deduct a full day's salary for being even five minutes late. I can't take this anymore. And the pay comes so delayed — they give me one month's salary two or three months after the fact. What's the point of all my hard work if I can't even use what I've earned when I actually need it? I'm going to switch somewhere else..."
His mother was consoling Siyun, agreeing with her quietly. Yohan tilted slightly to get a better angle — his mother's face came into view, eyes glassy with either helplessness or empathy for her daughter, worry plain across her features.
Yohan parted his lips slightly and drew a slow breath. He closed his eyes and tightened his jaw. Then he stepped back from the doorway, re-entered through the front door with a deliberate closing sound, and walked straight to the stairs with heavy, unhurried steps.
"Yohan! Come here for a minute." His mother called in a pressed, feigned tone. He halted, then moved to the room without a word, his face flat. His sister slipped into the room near the kitchen as he entered — he couldn't see her face.
He glanced at his sister briefly from the corner of his eye as he passed, but even that half-look was enough to tell. She was stressed. Frustrated. Feeling resigned and miserable.
He sat down across from his mother on the matted floor, setting the egg crate aside. Between them sat two large empty cups — they had likely been drinking tea a while ago.
"What have you been doing lately? Are you really focusing on your studies, or are you just wasting everyone's time, including your own?" His mother asked, frowning deeply, eyes tight with tension.
Yohan kept his gaze low, staring blankly at the floor.
"I don't know what you're thinking, but... I'm not wasting time. If you want to know what I've been doing every day, why I go out running or anything else, it's because I'm training for a side exam alongside the engineering entrance exam. That's why..."
"What kind of exam?" She lowered her brows.
"It's an exam..." He hesitated briefly. "To join the National Defence Force. So I need to do some physical training as well to pass it."
'I can't tell her I'm sitting the NMAE — she'll reject it outright and ask a hundred questions...'
"What? You want to join the military... Why? Where did this idea even come from? But — why the military?"
'Hein?! Even this is a problem?'
"Uhm, it's more of an intelligence-based exam since it's a defence tactical field, so you don't have to worry about any sort of... uhh... I mean, it's a really strong side option."
She sighed, shaking her head slightly while blinking and looked at him. "But there are other things to consider..."
"Mom." Yohan looked at her, eyes softened. "I'm already questioning whether what I'm doing is right or wrong. Please... please don't make me doubt myself any further. Try to trust me, just this once and let me trust myself too."
She was quiet for a moment.
"Okay. Do what you think is best — just don't let your side option compromise your main aim."
"Yeah, I know that." He began rising as he spoke. "You don't have to worry. Please give yourself some rest."
"And..." She spoke again with a bit reluctance.
"And?" Yohan blinked, raising an eyebrow faintly.
"And this — why were you crying in your room last night?"
'Huh?! Wh — what? Me?'
His eyes narrowed slightly as he tilted his head.
"Listen, I know you don't talk to us about anything, you never have, unlike your sister. So if there's something you want to say, you can talk to me. Who else would you go to, if not your mother?"
'What is she talking about? Is she making it up... No, she's not the type to do so but... and I was crying? Actually? But I'm certain I was sound asleep the entire night. I only woke up in the morning to run. I haven't even been staying up late these past few days, not since I started seeking the core early at night and cutting back on my workouts.'
"Uhm, j-just — when exactly did you see me crying? I genuinely don't remember any of what you're describing."
She widened her small eyes slightly, leaning back with a faint, lethargic downward smile. "From when you were a child all the way until now... I've never once seen you cry. I can't even remember the last time I did, back in your childhood."
Suddenly Yohan's heart sank, a strange heaviness settling into it. His eyes stretched wide first, then slowly narrowed as she continued.
"I woke up early this morning— somewhere between four and five when I heard you sobbing. So I went to your room and opened the door to check. What I found was that you were asleep but, you were crying in your sleep and apologising to someone over and over. I've seen you laugh in your sleep plenty of times, but crying? that was the first time. I didn't wake you though because it reminded me of when you were very little."
''Oh — what's happening? Come to think of it, I can't remember a single fragment of anything I dreamt last night. What the hell... I always remember my dreams, even if only in fragments or with a foggy outline — but this time it's a complete blank. And if she's right, then just who was I apologising to?'
She continued, amidst his introspection:
"Yohan, you shouldn't be so cold hearted. You should let yourself cry too sometimes. A man who never cries his heart becomes like stone and you can't be a good person if you don't cry. I just want to say..."
"Ah, okay." Yohan cut in. "I understand, I've got something important to do. Here's the crate I bought, please put it in the kitchen. And don't cook any of them before asking me." He walked off to his room, face indifferent.
'I save a portion of the money she gives me for school supplies and put it toward other things I need, maybe I can have a good career in accountancy too'
He entered his room, dropped his bag onto the bed, and fell back into the chair, staring up at the ceiling.
Don't start brooding — I know you're feeling a little melancholic right now.
Nah... I'm fine. More than fine.
He gave a wide, strange smile up at the ceiling.
Yeah — I felt something throb through my chest when she said she'd never seen me cry. But if I let every little thing people say weigh on me, I'll only end up wasting my potential, drowning in it.
There's no point in training this hard physically if my mental resilience is paper-thin.
And... the smile held.
'I'll never cry in front of anyone.'
He turned to the drawer beneath the table, pulled out his phone, and fixed his gaze on it.
Whatever, it's time to perform that last resort.