"Darcy Sinclair?" Carl Zeiss said with a skeptical look as we walked. "Sounds like a name you made up on the spot."
"So does yours," I shot back.
"That's my true name, you plaque-faced fucker!"
"So is mine, you berry-licker!"
Of course, I was lying through my teeth. I had nicked Darcy from a history book and Sinclair from another. But as we bickered, the distant town grew closer, its front entrance finally visible. A new, more practical problem emerged.
"Hey, Carl," I asked, "how are we supposed to get in? We don't have any identity papers or documents."
"Simple," he said confidently. "We tell them we are adventurers from a faraway land. We claim we encountered monsters in the forest and lost all our belongings, including our adventurer cards. They'll escort us to the Adventurer's Guild for verification. There, I will use my blood enchantment on the receptionist and have her forge us a new set of adventurer cards as a party."
"Why not just use it on the guards at the gate?"
"It takes a great deal of energy… and honestly, I don't find it very fun," he explained. "And an adventurer card is far more valuable. It will serve as all the legal documentation we need to live carefree—not just in this town, but across the entire kingdom."
"I didn't know you were that smart."
"Shut up, buffalo-dung face."
I froze. "I… I was complimenting you, you ungrateful idiot! And why—why that specifically? What did my face ever do to deserve being compared to buffalo dung?"
"Because your face looks like organic shit," Carl replied.
.
.
.
"You mosquito-inbred!!"
We kept shit-talking each other as we walked, which probably helped us understand each other's personalities a little bette
As the town's tall wooden gates loomed before us, Carl stopped and looked at me seriously.
"Listen, Darcy. You must not tell anyone in this town that I am a vampire. Not the guards, not anyone. Understand?"
"Why? I can see other non-humans in the town from here. What difference does it make if you're a vampire?"
He stared at me, his red eyes wide with disbelief.
"Are you really that ignorant of this world, or are you just messing with me?"
Shit. What? Humans and vampires aren't on good terms? I thought they were, from the way he was talking to me. I've made a foolish mistake! I need to think of something…
I put on the most tragic face I could manage.
"It's a sad story, my dear friend. As I was a complete failure to my family—and since I don't even have a grain of magical power—they kept me in captivity, cutting off all contact with the outside world so they wouldn't feel any humiliation…"
PLEASE BELIEVE IT!
Carl's expression softened into one of pity.
"Well then, allow me to enlighten you about the wider world."
HE BELIEVED IT!
"Humans and other intelligent races, including beastfolk among them, have reached a shaky peace," he explained. "But for creatures like us… creatures known to drink human blood… why do you think they would ever try to befriend us? There is some understanding now, but the tension is still there. And it's mostly negative."
He looked at me thoughtfully.
"You are the only crazy one willing to form a party with a vampire. Perhaps it really is because you know nothing about this world. Forget magical energy—I can't even feel any spiritual energy from you."
He frowned.
"It's strange. Your existence feels… empty. Like an insulator. No—that's not quite right. There isn't even an empty space where spiritual energy should reside. You are a very strange case. I'll have to research your case someday."
Wait… there's spiritual energy too? How is that different from magic?
And—wait… does that mean I really can't use magic…? Damn it, I really wanted to be overpowered…
Still… I guess it makes sense he can't sense anything from me. I'm not even from this world…
…Like hell it makes sense. I got dragged here without my permission or consent—and whoever or whatever did it couldn't even bother giving me some kind of special power?
This world really gave me nothing, huh? Could've at least fixed my face… or made me taller…
…Well. It is what it is…
I want to cry…
Grandma, I'm missing you already. I hope you're alright.
After a few more minutes of Carl giving me a crash course on this world's basic lore,explaining the kingdom's name, the different races, and the complicated history between humans and vampires,we finally reached the main entrance.
Two guards stood watch. They looked like they hadn't slept in a week.Lets just call them Guard 1 and Guard 2. They both had dark circles under their eyes and leaned wearily on their spears.
"Stop right there," Guard 1 grunted, straightening up. "We've never seen you two around here. State your business and show us your identification."
I stepped forward, ready to unleash my carefully prepared story.
"Well, you see, we are adventurers from far away! We were just coming from the Great Forest, where we found a… tomb—"
The moment I said that, Carl shot me a surprised look.
Yeah, I'm trying to give our lie a little more soul. Relax, I thought.
"—deep within its woods. We decided to raid it, only to find it was flooded with monsters! We barely escaped with our lives and tragically lost our adventurer cards in the process…"
Yep, he's not going to believe it.
"By the 'Great Forest,' you mean the Forest of Broken Vows?" Guard 1 asked, raising an eyebrow.
"YES!" we both exclaimed in unison.
"That's impossible," Guard 2 said flatly. "That forest is the most dangerous in the kingdom, filled with monsters and natural phenomena beyond understanding. Even if you were strong enough to survive, we don't see a single battle mark or injury on you."
"No, there are injuries!" I protested, pulling up my trouser leg. "Injuries from battle with a monster! See!"
I showed them the scrapes and cuts I got from scrambling up that tree to escape the giant frog thing.
Guard 2 squinted. "Tell me… why are your battle injuries on your inner thighs and arms?"
"Yes, I agree," Guard 1 chimed in. "Explain yourself."
"You… you really want to know?" I asked, feigning embarrassment.
"Yes, we do," they both said.
"It's… it's really embarrassing for me…"
"EXPLAIN!"
"It's a little bit personal too…"
"WE SAID EXPLAIN!"
I took a deep breath.
"The monster… it tried to molest me!"
The guards looked at my face. Then they looked at each other. Then they looked at Carl's elegant, handsome face.
"If it was him, we might have believed it," they said in unison. "But you?"
"Oh, damn it, it's true!" I shouted.
"Tell us the truth," Guard 1 demanded. "Where are you from, and what are you planning to do in our town, Dunford?"
While I kept arguing, Carl had been silent, staring at the ground. Guard 1 finally lost patience with me and rounded on him.
"Hey! You! Answer honestly—where are you coming from?!"
Carl slowly lifted his head. A devious, wicked smile spread across his face. It was the most terrifying expression I had ever seen.
"You really want to know?" he asked, his voice dripping with malice.
"YES!" the guard shouted.
Carl leaned in close and whispered
"…From your momma's room."
…
That fucking carrot-sucker!!!
Yep.
That's how we ended up behind bars.