In the grand briefing room of the Hellsing headquarters, the air was thick with tension. Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing sat at the head of the table, staring down the row of suited bureaucrats sitting opposite her.
"Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation," Integra said, her voice dripping with formal politeness.
One of the financial ministers cleared his throat, adjusting his glasses. "Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do."
Integra took a slow drag from her cigarette, leaning back in her chair. "Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the Queen."
"Oh, it is," another minister replied, opening a thick manila folder crammed with receipts.
"However, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses. Most of them under the name... 'Alucard'."
Integra felt a headache blooming behind her eyes. Already visibly stressed, she took a sharp inhale. "...Continue."
"For example some of them were frankly labeled, 'Entertainment'."
"Entertainment?" Integra asked, her brow furrowing.
"Quite," the minister said, pointing a finger at a specific line item. "Like in my report: £20,000 for a... 'Candi'." He paused, looking over the top of his spectacles. "That's 'Candi' with an 'i', by the way."
"I see," Integra said flatly, her eye twitching.
"Not to mention the priceless antique car," the minister continued. "I believe the note on the claim was: 'I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it.'"
Integra's jaw tightened. "So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen."
"Oh yes," the minister sighed, turning the page. "And then there's also the Dairy Queen itself, sitting at about £95,000 in damages."
Integra stared blankly at the ceiling, her soul practically leaving her body. 'I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this,' she thought desperately.
Meanwhile, outside the heavily fortified perimeter of the Hellsing estate, a bright yellow school bus came to a screeching halt. Stepping off the bus were the Valentine brothers, surrounded by an army of blank-eyed, mindless ghouls dressed clumsily in civilian clothes.
"And so halfway through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!" Jan Valentine cackled, waving a massive submachine gun around.
Beside him, Luke Valentine adjusted his pristine white suit, looking thoroughly disgusted. "I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you."
"I mean, I still *finished*, but what kind of shit is that?" Jan complained.
"For God's sake, Jan. Think of mother!" Luke snapped.
"I ain't jerkin' off right now," Jan muttered, rolling his eyes.
A heavily armed Hellsing guard stepped out from the security booth, shining a flashlight at the bizarre group. "Oi, you two. The grounds are currently closed."
"Aww, man! That totally sucks!" Jan whined dramatically, putting on a terrible fake accent. "And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England."
The guard raised an eyebrow, entirely unconvinced. "Where from?"
With a vicious grin, Jan and Luke brought up their weapons, the sharp clack of gun-slides echoing in the night air.
"Texas," Jan smirked.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Muzzle flashes illuminated the dark courtyard as the security force was instantly shredded by a hail of high-caliber bullets. Jan lowered his smoking gun, looking at the bloody mess. "Aw, shit. Looks like we need more prayer in schools."
Luke sneered, dusting off his lapel. "If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion."
"Alrighty," Jan cackled. He turned to the bus, cupping his hands around his mouth.
"Attention, all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order! I got a class assignment for all of y'all!"
Back in the command center, a monitor flickered to life. On the screen, General Islands was mid-report to Arthur Penwood, completely unaware of the breach.
"And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again," Islands was saying.
Suddenly, the lights in the Hellsing command center flickered violently. On the console, Penwood blinked in confusion.
"That's funny; we weren't cutting the power just yet."
The main operator at the desk looked at his crashing monitors, his blood running cold. "Oh, shit..."
The line abruptly cut, leaving a loud, droning dial tone.
Panicking, Penwood quickly dialed the front desk. "Front desk, report. What's going on?"
Over the receiver, the voice of the front desk clerk came through, remarkably casual. "Oh hey, yeah. Hold on. Just give me a second."
Heavy, wet footsteps echoed over the line.
"Whoa," the clerk muttered. More squelching footsteps followed. "Oh yeah, it's ghouls. Hmm, definitely, definitely—"
A feral, guttural growl cut him off.
"OH MY GOD—!"
A sickening, wet SQUELCH echoed through the speaker, followed by the cold, hollow sound of a dial tone.
Penwood completely lost his composure, his voice cracking over the secure radio line to Integra's office. "Sir Integra, do something!"
Integra, still trapped in her nightmare budget meeting, grabbed the radio, her voice a beacon of forced calm. "Calm down! We have over 100 trained guards at the premises at all times. We have everything under control."
BOOM!
A muffled, shuddering explosion rocked the entire building, rattling the teacups on the table.
Penwood shrieked, "...What was that?"
Integra didn't miss a beat. "That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update." She switched channels, pressing the intercom button. "Communications, come in. We need a full report."
What came back over the radio was the sound of a young communications officer sobbing in absolute terror.
"Read the fuckin' paper," a manic, raspy voice growled in the background. It was Jan Valentine.
"H-h-hey there... Integra..." the officer wept.
SMACK!
"READ IT FUCKIN' RIGHT, COCKHOLE!" Jan screamed, slapping the back of the man's head.
"H-Hey there..." the officer whimpered, his voice trembling violently as a gun was pressed against his skull. "Hey there... you... fat, English... whore..."
"That's more like it," Jan chuckled over the comms. "Now keep goin'."
"Me... me and my big brother, Luke... are killing... are killing all of your men..." The officer choked back a sob. "So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when... I find you... I'm gonna—"
The man broke down, weeping. "O-oh God!"
"Keep reading," Jan's voice dropped into a terrifying, low threat, "or I SHOOT THE OTHER TESTICLE!"
The officer let out a terrified shriek and began reading at a manic, sobbing pace.
"'Cuz when I find you I'm gonna fuck every hole you've gooot...! And then I'm gonna just keep makin' more holes to fu-uck... until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood and seme-hen...!" He wailed,
"Oh God, this is horrible...!"
"You ain't finished yet!" Jan barked.
"So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my hu-huge vampire co-ho-hock...!" The officer sobbed hysterically, reading the final line. "Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out—OH GOD NO—!!"
BANG!
A loud gunshot echoed through the speakers, followed immediately by Jan bursting into absolute hysterics. "Ha ha ha ha! Oh! His fuckin' face, man! Aha, fuck! Ha ha ha ha! Oh no, that shit is priceless!"
CLICK.
The line went dead, replaced once again by the cold, indifferent hum of the dial tone.
A/n: i cant stop laughing writing this crap it's like rewatching the hellsing abridged all over again.
Also double chapter!