They stared at me.
Intensely.
Like I had just said, "Uh, kinda," to the meaning of life.
The glow rocks embedded in the walls hummed faintly, casting steady pale light across the mess hall. Under that glow, sweat began to materialize on my forehead like a summoned spell. It glistened dramatically.
Too dramatically.
It's a long story, I told myself. And also a dangerous one.
I couldn't exactly say, "Oh yeah, by the way, I meteor-crashed face-first into this world from another dimension and I'm technically what you'd call a Fallen One."
Because based on recent experience?
That label gets you hunted.
Or decapitated.
Or both.
And I still had no idea where these goblins stood on that topic.
Wait.
Hold on.
Did Kala just… speak?
Not telepathically.
Out loud?
I blinked and turned toward him.
"You can talk?" I asked slowly.
"Yep!" he replied casually, like he hadn't just shattered a foundational assumption of my reality.
He dipped a tentacle into the soup and tasted it thoughtfully.
"You've been holding out on me?!" I hissed.
He ignored me and licked the tentacle again.
"Young hero," Urkap interjected gently, "we apologize for interrupting, but we would like to know what your young beholder meant when he said that you killed them."
Right.
That.
Before I could answer, Kala suddenly flopped flat onto the table.
Clay plates cracked beneath him. Good thing he had already inhaled most of the food.
He stretched lazily, hovered upward again, then drifted down onto my lap like a cat claiming territory.
I stiffened.
Beholders don't have eyelids.
But somehow, he wrapped his tentacles around his massive eye like he was bundling himself into a ball.
Then—
"Zzzzzz."
He purred.
…He purred.
Oh.
So that's how they sleep.
Another discovery for Kiko in this fairly odd isekai world.
Hurray.
My mind applauded sarcastically.
"Oh," I said, looking back at the elders. "It's quite a long story. Are you up for it?"
They nodded.
Enthusiastically.
Like schoolchildren asked who liked ice cream.
"Alright," I began smoothly, attempting a storyteller's cadence.
I gently petted Kala as he snoozed.
Lie first.
Always lie first.
"I'm a prospector," I said confidently. "Treasure hunting in the labyrinth."
They nodded.
Good.
Believable.
"While scavenging, I saw fellow heroes fighting in the distance. Couldn't make out who they were, but they were causing a lot of noise—blasting mashed-up animals left and right. Eventually, they teleported away."
More nodding.
I took another chunk of meat, chewed quickly, chased it with soup.
Smooth.
I continued.
"Later, while hunting for food, I encountered one of their party members. Adelaide. Peculiar. Strong. Very… confident."
Understatement.
"She thought I was the Fallen One they were hunting. But changed her mind because I was too weak."
I shrugged.
"I agreed."
Nod.
Nod.
"More meat!" Kala suddenly shouted, shooting one tentacle into the air.
All three of us jumped.
Then he immediately resumed snoring.
I cleared my throat.
"Anyway. After that, we got chased by… well… Mommy Beholder."
Urkap's eyebrow twitched slightly.
"I got separated from Adelaide. Then I ran into the three. The knight. The masked naked dude. And the mage."
"The mage fled," I continued. "He didn't want to be part of whatever madness the other two were brewing."
True enough.
"Then Mommy Beholder showed up. Tried to kill us all. But then she decided to spice things up."
I couldn't help myself.
"She turned it into a one-versus-one arena. Like, full dramatic showdown. Boom!" I slapped the table.
The elders jumped.
"Pew pew pew!" I gestured wildly.
"Katching!" I mimed pulling a sword.
I might have oversold it.
A little.
Okay, a lot.
I described the naked dude lunging, the knight swinging his massive blade, the arena shimmering under cosmic energy. I added dramatic pauses. Sound effects. Tactical spins.
Kala snored through the climax.
"In the end," I finished, lowering my voice dramatically, "I defeated them both."
Nod.
Nod.
The elder with the eye patch glanced at Urkap.
Urkap nodded slightly.
"Yes," she said quietly.
It felt like there was an entire silent conversation happening between them that I wasn't invited to.
"But why did the beholder let you go?" Urkap asked.
Ah.
The awkward part.
"Well… you might not believe me," I said slowly, "but this little guy right here—" I pointed both thumbs down at Kala, who was drooling slightly onto my leg, "made a bet with his mother."
Urkap's eyes narrowed with interest.
"He bet that if I won, he would become my familiar."
I paused.
Saying it out loud made it sound even weirder.
Why did Kala choose me?
Why not the obviously skilled knight?
Why not the unhinged naked psycho?
Why me?
I drifted into thought for a moment.
"Thank you for sharing your story," Urkap said, gently interrupting my spiral. "It was… interesting."
That pause before interesting did not go unnoticed.
The eye-patched elder nudged her with his elbow.
She glanced at him, then back at me.
"We thank you," she said sincerely, "for killing the men who attacked us."
"Yeah, well…" I rubbed the back of my neck. "As you know, heroes respawn. They're probably alive somewhere right now."
The elder nudged her again.
Harder.
"I know," she said, giving him a look.
"What's he saying?" I asked.
"Oh," she smiled thinly. "He says it is late. You must be tired."
The limping elder frowned deeply.
That was not what he had been saying.
Rest?
Rest?!
I was still hungry!
Before they could take the food away, I lunged for the remaining scraps on the table like a cartoon character in fast-forward. I grabbed chunks of meat, stuffed them into my mouth, gulped soup straight from the bowl, swallowed fruits whole.
Final gulp.
Burp.
I wiped my mouth with my sleeve.
Dignity? Gone.
"Wait," I said suddenly. "You mentioned earlier that goblins are usually tribal. Hunter-gatherers. Living in caves. So why is your food… this good? Not just the food. The stone paths. The glow rocks. The watchtower."
Urkap's lips curled faintly.
"Oh. You noticed."
She looked at the elder beside her.
"Prepare the cabin next to mine," she instructed softly. "Thank you."
The elder sighed.
Nodded.
Limped away.
She turned back to me.
The glow rocks reflected softly in her old eyes.
"I was once," she said slowly, "a familiar."
I blinked.
"Of a powerful witch."
She paused.
Took a steady breath.
"Her name," she said, voice lowering almost reverently, "was CoolMiss_Lily2."
The name echoed strangely in the hall.
And suddenly—
I had a feeling this night was far from over.
Also…
I was still kind of hungry.
Hopefully there was dessert.