I'd been sitting in the recording studio for hours, and finally, deciding to throw caution to the wind about possible plagiarism, I was laying down something cool from a hypothetical future — just out of nostalgia, and, of course, for fun.
Obviously, I had no intention of monetising anything anymore, as my goals had clearly shifted. I wouldn't say I'd attained Zen, but I wasn't busting my back like I used to for my studies either. School went on mostly to keep my dad at ease, and to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future — should I find myself in a similar situation in my next lives. Instead of grinding for college admissions, I stocked up on survival books and actively trained my fundamentals — both with and without a sword. I'd gotten a bit worn out lately — especially without sex — which resulted in musical sublimation.
I never told the ghouls about my past life, as the atmosphere wasn't right for such revelations — especially after I, having mentally calmed down to about half‑way to Zen, probably, watched with as indifferent a gaze as possible the tearful embrace of Rosalie and her husband.
And I think it was all these factors that influenced Tanya's decision to visit me now, while I was all alone and occupied with my soothing hobby. It helped me distract from the ongoing mess — so it definitely counted as a hobby. I couldn't get into games right now, not in the mood, so all that was left was creativity. Though even that, unlike before, didn't bring as much pleasure. Full relaxation was hindered by this anchor around my neck — the damned world where I could barely stand up to these ghouls, and would definitely die if I were without Tomiko and not fortified by that fox energy she'd taught me, with great difficulty, to use over these past few months.
So, Tanya, likely in the company of her sisters — who were simply hiding somewhere — showed up at my temporary music lair and, her whole demeanour exuding seduction and openness to further events, made her way to the couch. I chose to ignore her and carry on with my work, but the lady couldn't endure it for even half an hour.
Turning my back to her was prevented by self‑preservation and my sharpened inner fox — I don't know what else to call it, but that's the closest description. So I sat half‑turned at the computer and noticed in time when Tanya decided to saunter over to me. Her goal was to try to reach me through seduction — I grasped that almost immediately when her palms clasped my shoulders and her face, perfectly unique and yet surprisingly alive, lowered to the level of my eyes.
She looked at me with desire and passion, and I couldn't accept that some mere biological impulse from their biology could make a fully grown, experienced vampire behave this way towards me. I assessed my chances rationally — if not for this pseudo‑biology of the ghouls.
Her palms slid higher, to my collarbones, then to my jaw and cheeks, and her fingers were cold, yet surprisingly not too irritating. She began bringing her face closer to mine, and I was almost giving in. It became clear she was tired of beating around the bush and had decided to make this move and state her intentions more directly.
I had no intention of leaning forward and pretending I wanted this more than she did, nor of saying any sweet nothings I'd say to someone I loved. I wasn't fully human anymore, and Tomiko had explained my new existence and new reactions quite simply: there's a magical resonance of souls, and it can happen with different people. For a kitsune, this doesn't mean anything immediately — especially for those who travel across worlds, as I understood it. But beings like the local vampires only feel this for the first time after their transformation into this otherworldly mess, and the very first such instance is pivotal for them. Their bodies don't change and merely produce their internal fluids for sustenance from the blood they consume. Everything else remains nearly unchanged, and only serious upheavals can adjust them differently. Again, all this is from Tomiko — she's the expert on the local supernatural fauna.
While I was lost in thought, Tanya had already started kissing me — first just the corner of my lips, as if I were something precious and fragile, then my upper and lower lips separately, tasting with her tongue, but not trying to force anything.
I understood that to her, I was an invaluable rarity, a chance to brighten her existence — without sleep and without regular food, which would have driven me mad within the first year. But to me, her feelings were meaningless, and I didn't perceive this world as a place where I wanted to stay.
"Even if you don't feel the same as I do," she murmured, pulling away from my lips — which had never fully parted for her. "Give me a chance…"
"Anything I say to you now," I began hoarsely and winced at how much her influence had affected me. "Will your sisters hear it? And will Edward read it in your mind, won't he?"
"What do you mean by…" She frowned and searched my eyes, but I cut her off.
"I'm a completely different kind of supernatural being," I began bluntly and licked my tingling lips. "We call it a spiritual resonance, magical — call it what you like. And it happens many times for us. Foxes…" I smirked and narrowed my eyes, deliberately playing up the cunning image and slightly ruining the tragic confession that if she had any hope here, it was only for sex. "Foxes in nature only form pairs for breeding and offspring. Spiritual Foxes aren't much better, Tanya — we travel across the worlds of the multiverse when we gain the ability to do so, and such… let's say, pairings like yours — that's simply not our style. And certainly not in our nature."
"So…" She was clearly trying to gather her thoughts, but they resisted, so I cut her off again and continued explaining. I understood that even such an experienced and old lady might need some moral support with news like this, but hugging her would be dangerous in many ways.
"So, I reincarnated for the first time after dying in one world, and I'll keep doing the same going forward. That suits me just fine. And your vampirism locks part of the spiritual shells inside the body, while another part goes on to reincarnation. I'm probably going to disappoint you, but most people don't end up anywhere — no heaven or hell. There might be other possibilities somewhere, I don't know. But you simply lock away a part of the soul, with memories and regrets — what's already tied to the body until you reach a new level where you can consciously preserve it. And it's not so bad, Tanya."
I looked at her — she'd lost all her confidence and seemed deflated — sighed, and extended my hand to her face. She leaned into it as if that's how it was meant to be, but I understood she truly wasn't ready for such revelations, so my support came at the right moment.
"I can't and won't stay in this world; I can't be happy the way I want to be. I don't want to lock myself in this body either, and I've agreed with my fox that if someone forcibly turns me, I want death and reincarnation instead of this kind of life. Tanya, I don't want and won't force myself to be with you just because you want it. I've simply wanted to die for a very long time, dear Tanya."
I didn't look at her face or watch her expression change as I said all this. It was easier that way. But when I turned my gaze from the nearby wall back to her, she wasn't looking at me as I'd expected — with disgust and confusion, or, conversely, with understanding and acceptance, as I'd hoped. No, her gaze was full of horror and fear, and her hand — which had earlier gently covered mine on her cheek — clamped my wrist in a vice.
"Please…" she murmured and leaned forward. "I beg you, promise me you won't kill yourself. Please."
My reply — I'm almost certain it was a swear‑filled one, sending her very far away where sun doesn't shine — was cut short by the crash of the door flying open. And yes, Tanya had locked it when she came in. They'd simply broken the door down for me. Well, great. Not even allowed to die on my own terms. O-Inari‑kami‑sama, give me strength with these dumbfucks.
***