So now… should I decide to move forward or stay here?
But honestly, there's nothing left here except this lake, and to be frank, just leaving like this feels a little unsatisfying. But if I can't make it through, I'll end up no different than that eel.
Wait a sec!
Can I just wait for Nirvana to come off cooldown and use it to revive myself? I should ask Suzu.
My excitement was quickly extinguished when I heard Suzu's response. According to her, Nirvana can only be activated when either the body or the soul is destroyed. But the problem is, if my soul gets sealed, both Seina and Suzu will be trapped with me, and there'll be no one left to cast the skill.
Looks like I really have to give up, huh…
I still don't quite understand this so-called "purity."
If it doesn't represent someone's personality, then what does it mean?
I couldn't hold it in anymore and brought up the question to Meradis.
She just smiled and answered me, "When I heard the story of the Tyrant King, I asked the Queen the same question. And Shiraori, can you guess how the Queen answered?"
Hmph…
From what Meradis said, the Spirit Queen clearly knows the answer. But the problem is, how am I supposed to guess if I don't even know it?
Is it morality?
I voiced my answer, but Meradis gave me a confused look, clearly telling me that wasn't right.
Relationships?
Meradis shook her head.
Thoughts?
Meradis hesitated slightly but still shook her head.
That little reaction showed I was getting close. Let's see, what could be in the same category as thoughts…?
I paced back and forth like the old men I used to see in my previous life. I'd heard them say that when they couldn't remember something, they would do this and eventually the memory would come back on its own.
I don't think that method works all that well for me.
Wait, something just flashed in my mind!
Hmm…
Ah… is it this? An ideal?
Meradis nodded.
Well then, I guess I really am smart.
"A person who can hold firmly to their ideals from beginning to end—that ideal is the purest thing that person possesses. In the story of the Tyrant King, his ideal was to make his empire stronger, and throughout his entire reign, he never once strayed from that ideal."
Oh, so that's how it is.
As long as the ideal is firm, the method doesn't matter…
That actually makes sense.
So what's my ideal then? Let me think…
Before I reincarnated, I lived a pretty normal life, didn't really have a clear goal, but one thing I was sure of was that I lived according to my own will.
That kind of life might've seemed boring and dull to others, but to me, it was the ultimate freedom. I expressed it through doing whatever I wanted, never being tied down by others' words. Part of that was because my family wasn't very strict.
Now, after reincarnating, my desire to live has only grown stronger. Especially after all the near-death experiences I've been through, that desire has become even fiercer. Even if I die someday, at the very least, I want to make it to the outside world and see it with my own eyes.
I don't care what kind of place the world out there turns out to be, good or bad, I'll explore it down to every last corner. I'll grow strong enough so that no one can ever restrain me.
Yeah, I think I've got it now.
No matter how I live, my ideal has always been to live as freely as possible.
"Looks like Shiraori has found her answer, huh? In that case, you can give it a try."
"Hey, Meradis, what's your ideal in life?"
I asked out of curiosity.
"I've had many, and they changed over time, so I can't claim to be someone pure."
There was a tinge of regret in Meradis's voice. I wasn't sure if I should press further, but Seina reminded me to stop, so I decided to leave it at that.
So now it's just me.
What do Seina and Suzu think?
"You don't need to ask permission for everything. You're the main self, so make your own decisions."
Oh, but I thought you'd all want to decide things together…
"For matters like this, you're the one who understands best. Even we are just parts of you, after all."
Thanks, you two.
I don't think there's anything left for me to hesitate about.
"If Shiraori's decided to go, then I'll stay here and wait. But remember one thing—don't stay there too long. In the Queen's records, there's a mention that if a soul lingers too long, it won't be able to return to its body."
Got it. Thanks for the warning, Meradis.
After that, I approached the lake. It still looked like a perfectly ordinary lake, with crystal clear, shimmering water, but in truth, it was a death trap waiting for someone to dive in.
I've already made up my mind.
This is my ideal!
Let's go.
I took a few steps back to gain momentum, then dove straight into the lake.
As I plunged into the water, it felt like time had stopped. The freezing water quickly enveloped my entire body, but instead of sinking like I expected, I was pulled into an invisible vortex. The pressure mounted, and my head throbbed like my thoughts and memories were being yanked out and torn apart.
"Calm down, we're still here with you."
Seina's voice echoed, calming me slightly, but the pressure didn't let up at all.
The space darkened, then vanished. I could no longer feel my body. All my senses were numb, and only one sensation remained: floating in endless darkness.
After a long wait, I began to sense a few things around me.
This is me…?
To my surprise, I found myself in the human form I used to have. A mirror appeared, but I couldn't see my reflection in it. The surrounding space was pitch black. I could barely see anything—or rather, there was nothing here at all. It was like being at the end of the universe.
In that space, a deep voice echoed from all directions. It wasn't just a voice—it carried the weight of thousands of souls fused together.
"Who are you, one who has come here?"
That voice stirred fear from deep within my mind.
Even so, I didn't respond right away. I closed my eyes, tried to stay calm, and took deep breaths, though I wasn't sure I even had lungs to breathe with. Seina and Suzu were gone. I could no longer sense the link to them, or even my spider body. So that means I'm currently in soul form?
So this is the trial?
"You came here to prove what? Strength? Determination? Or are you just a fool chasing illusions?"
I stayed silent.
Sometimes silence is the only way to avoid being swayed. But that voice didn't let up. It kept echoing, mocking every thought in my mind.
"You're not strong enough to pass. Someone like you—who doesn't even understand herself—will be devoured."
Those words stabbed into my mind like knives, dragging up negative memories and emotions. Images of me failing, being betrayed, losing everything—one by one, they appeared in the darkness.
Bullshit!
What kind of idiot is saying I don't understand myself??
I know what food I like, what I enjoy doing, the kind of life I want to live—how is that not understanding myself?!
Utter nonsense!!!
Weirdly enough, I felt pretty refreshed after getting mad, but the trial was still ongoing, so I couldn't afford to do anything reckless.
I had no idea how long I'd been standing here. Shadows began appearing around me. At first, they were vague shapes, but they gradually became clearer.
They were… me.
Each shadow carried a different emotion. One was full of rage, with bloodshot eyes and clenched teeth. Another lay collapsed, covered in blood, hands hanging limp as if all strength had left. Another was cold and emotionless, with empty eyes.
I wonder if Seina and Suzu are among them? I thought they represented my intelligence and timidity, but I didn't see them anywhere. Most of the "mes" here were just full of negative emotions.
Did I really do anything that bad for it to come to this? Isn't this whole trial thing a bit over the top?
They stared at me, then all started approaching. Whispers swirled around me like a storm.
"You think your ideals will save you?"
"Freedom? Someone like you doesn't deserve that."
"Give it up. In this place, ideals mean nothing."
It felt like thousands of invisible hands were grabbing at my body. They tightened relentlessly, trying to drag me down deeper. I was in pain—not just physically, but deep in my soul.
"No!" I screamed, my voice echoing in the darkness. "I won't give up!"
But those shadowy versions of me just laughed.
"You think you're different? Everyone who came here said that—and then we, their darkness, swallowed them whole."
I closed my eyes, refusing to be swept away by their words. Beautiful memories, few as they were, floated through my mind.
These morons don't know anything!
Naiwa.
Huh?
I guess being a spider for too long has made me pick up some strange habits in the way I talk. But now's not the time to worry about that.
I clenched my fists, and a familiar feeling ignited inside me—a small but fierce flame, not easily extinguished.
The more these things talk, the more they piss me off.
"I'm not you. What you say, the images you show me—they're your weak selves. Not me! You damn impostors!"
I screamed at the top of my lungs.
It had been a long time since I felt this way. Ever since becoming a spider and gaining all those supportive skills, my emotions had been pretty stable, rarely ever flaring up like this.
Being human really is better.
Great, now I'm fired up to grind again.
But… what's happening around me now? Those "me" disappeared, and the space went quiet once more.
So… what now…?
Suddenly, the darkness was replaced by light. A gentle, warm glow pulled me out of the abyss. I felt solid ground beneath my feet—a sense of stability I'd longed for since falling into the dark.
Ah, air.
When I looked up, what greeted me was a breathtaking sight: a vast meadow bathed in soft, shimmering light like morning dew. The sky swirled with colors like the aurora.
In the center of the field, a figure appeared. It was none other than… me. But this time, I clearly saw the difference. It was a more complete version of me, calm eyes, a body radiating soft light.
"You have passed the first trial, Shiraori." My voice, filled with resolve, spoke to me. "The Spirit Realm has accepted you."
Oh, hell yeah!
I knew I could do it.