Nox's POV:
"Welp, I've been had! GG, good game, well played. I'm gonna go now if that's alright wi-!" I said, trying to back away from the overpowered goldilocks looking at his nails and getting a feel for his body.
*Sizzle*
"Sorry, but unfortunately, I cannot let you leave with your life!" The ex-sword-in-the-ground said as he suddenly flashed in front of me and lifted me up by my throat with his magical deep-frying hand.
"You know, you should probably go back to bed! Moving around in this can't be-! *Puff*" I said as smoke began coming out of my mouth.
If anyone's wondering why I'm being KFC-ed right now, this Knightly Fry Cook, that is currently going to town on my vocal cords, is the sword spirit of the divine turd pole Caliburn's disapproving rooster roasting father, Excalibird, King of Fucking Chickens.
*Sniff**Sniff*
"Damn it! Now I've got fried chicken on the brain! Damn you dragons of old, damn you and your mastery of the culinary genetic arts!" I said, using the wind enchantments on my mask to express my lament of being too delicious, now that I'm mute and all.
*Chuckle*
"It's a pity! Though it was short, I quite enjoyed conversing with you! If only you blah, blah, blah, blah, …" KFC chuckled out as I stopped paying attention.
Okay, so where was I on the recap? Oh right! See, the mystery rock I bought forever ago at a rock gambling thingy turned out to be an archaic magic item that used to be a piece of an ancient divine weapon from the divine era that was from the sounds of it, smashed to pieces and probably scattered across the world, possibly by a dragon lord, but more likely by a demon.
"… blah, blah, blah …"
Now normally, to a sword spirit, having their vessel smashed to bits like this would essentially be the same as someone's body being blown to bits, so basically death, but divine grade artifacts are at the tippy top of the quality pyramid scheme for a reason. So, instead of you know dying, this guy somehow managed to use whatever was left of his sword-bod to make the long ass turd pole we're standing on, the barrier around it, and I'm not sure if it was always this way, if he got help, a special ability of his, or something he did last minute before being smashed all over the world, but at least his most essential pieces anyways were turned into one way tickets into this place, so he could just sit back, chillax and wait 3000 years for a hoard of idiots to randomly teleport the rest of his missing jigsaw puzzle body here and trade a chunk of divine grade goodies for some mediocre replica weapons. Not entirely sure why he asked people to climb all the way up to hand him his shit in person, since he likely has a way of collecting it so long as it touches the ground, but whatever, maybe it was just too much of a hassle to use his extendo butt-tentacles to carry it all the way up himself. It could also be part of his hobby, like making replica swords that he can telepathically text with when they grow sentient. Who knows?
"… blah, blah, blah, …"
Now, what else? Oh, yeah! By the way, did I mention this guy has an extendable butt that reached all the way down and into the earth's mantle. It's how he's been staying alive for so long, by substituting his incomplete steel-bod with life-support magma, that doubles as duct tape for the occasional meteor hole in his butt pipeline. He can also grow branches? Roots? Butt-tentacles. Anyways, his butt-tentacles didn't seem to move that fast when I glimpsed them while making my anti-twinkle-tunnel, but I'm pretty sure they are what he used to make his sword replicas. Anyways, enough about his sweet droopy ass.
"… blah, blah, blah…"
Now, when I realized all this, and resisted the urge to laugh at his butt pipe which I find very funny, I was somewhat regretting that I didn't kill his pet cloud earlier, as I now knew he would have no chance of hunting me down so long as I stuck to my guns and refused to give up the piece of his metal flesh that I legally owned. The reason for this was because the piece in my hand was essentially what would equate to a piece of his brainstem or maybe the spine? In any case, without it, he can't really do much besides what he was already doing. So, no flying around, shooting lasers, or KFC, though he did have a dash of divine energy, but it wasn't nearly enough to be harmful to me in any significant way, or so I thought.
"… blah, blah, blah…"
Apparently, KFC is pretty good at multi-tasking, as he basically held a conversation with me, while secretly brainwashing and juicing thunder sweat with all the divine energy he could muster right behind my back. Though the idea of him pulling this did flitter through my mind but in my defense, from my perspective, KFC only had enough to either juice or brainwash thunder sweat, not both. With thunder sweat's performance anxieties brainwashing without juicing would be of no threat as I could easily smash his face in if he tried anything, and I had used the classic taser death-drop tactic to show him whose boss in hopes of dissuading any back-stabbing thoughts or urges. The only explanation I can think of for KFC to manage both juicing and brainwashing was if the energy requirement was lowered somehow, like if thunder sweat was in a mentally unstable state, possibly from some sort of traumatic experience or having accumulated large amounts of mental fatigue. I wonder how that could have happened.
Wait a minute! Duh! He must still be feeling insecure about his performance issues from when he tried to zap me. It's so obvious. Wait, is KFC still talking? I guess if I had been stuck with my ass in the world's tallest volcano for 3000 years and my only conversation buddies were those shitheads, I'd take my time killing me too. Then again, these guys tend to be talkative anyways, so this might be normal.
"… blah, blah, blah! If only you would have accepted your fate, it's truly a pity! Aside from your disrespect towards the divine, you are rather exceptional for a human to have climbed as high as you have and survived."
"Sorry, the voices in my head were acting up again, could you repeat that?"
"…? Vying for more time? I hope you are not praying for a miracle because we both know that would be in vain. To be cursed by fate means to be abandoned by the gods and so no miracle may come your way!"
"Well, darn! Guess I got to make my own then."
"What are you-!"
*Crack**Crack**Smash*
"What is this?" KFC asked in a panic as the hand he was cooking my throat with lost a layer of glowing pale skin, revealing the sunburned skin underneath before going limp. Meanwhile, more and more of his skin were beginning to crack and flake off.
"Oh, this? It's just what happens when people about to murder me don't take my advice!"
"Huh?"
"I tried to tell you to go back to bed! You shouldn't be moving around while missing an organ! Actually, if that's a piece of your brain's that's missing, then you not following along might be on me! Sorry! Then again, sword spirits don't really need a brain to think anyway. Actually, I don't really use mine that much either these days! Hey, we got that in common! High-five!" I said, wanting to celebrate our common trait with a celebratory hand slap.
*Shatter*
"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, WHAT ARE YO-!" he suddenly froze mid-shouting as he left me hanging in favor of reaching up to touch the empty spot on his crown.
As he realized he was missing some of his swag, his eyes opened wide in realization.
"I am missing a piece."
Sword spirits, just like humans, have vitals they need to survive even if it's not quite the same as flesh and blood organs. In particular, the most important parts are usually the ornamental stuff rather than the blade itself as they are the parts less liable to get damaged during combat. If I had to make a comparison, for a sword spirit the blade of the sword would be like its limbs. They are necessary to perform tasks, and though losing a limb could be somewhat dangerous, they are not strictly needed to live. Meanwhile, the handle would be its head and torso, the parts that control the limbs and holds it all together, while any gems or decorations affixed to it are often upon its evolution granted a special ability or purpose like acting as a power source for the weapon itself, essentially becoming it's heart or some other organ of importance. That's why even if his blade is chipped and cracked to all hell, he'd be fine, but if one gem is missing, then he'll be on death's doorstep in no time.
This guy has been able to keep himself alive by putting himself on what would essentially be considered life support, using minerals, ores, and whatever else from the earth to substitute for his important parts. Of course, the life support did not include the many abilities that would come with having his original bod back, but this arrangement also meant he could never unstick himself from the earth until he had obtained every important component or he would risk death. The black rock he hired thunder sweat to steal from me was in addition to being a piece of the handle itself, a container for one of his battery gems, and guessing by its placement, it was probably a very important one too. Unfortunately, he didn't bother to actually check inside the container before declaring himself cured and now, he's dying from going off life support.
"So, would this be considered part of your brain or what? Or is it your heart maybe?" I asked as I held up the glowing psychedelic pearl.
Back when I first opened that mystery rock and found another rock inside it, I was a little disappointed, and I almost decided to just sell it away, but then I realized the mystery box was an archaic magic item, and decided to hold off on it until I had figured out what it do. I even put some elbow grease into fixing the mystery rock after opening it, but then I got started on my money printer again, and then I built the UFO, followed by the BDSM club which led to the magical girl thing, and I just kept getting sidetracked.
"GIVE THAT TO ME!" KFC shouted as he reached towards my color changing orb with his still un-limp arm.
*Bang**Snap**Shatter*
Unfortunately, his attempt to yoink the thing out of my hand at the speed of sound failed due to his skin glove shedding off his borrowed arm due to the momentum of his movement. His rocket glove move did however hit my mask and now my head is dangling upside down behind my own back.
*Snap*
"Welp, this was fun and all, but I really need to get back to my kids! So, could you hurry up and die soon! Or just lift the barrier so I can leave! Either works for me!" I said, whipping my head back up to where it should be.
"Tsk! Damn it!"
*Shatter*
"OH, no you don't!" I said as I quickly grabbed the flat of the blade that came shooting out from the guy's torso, enchasing it in my flames of control as he stabbed his butt back in the ground while his remaining un-tanned skin crumbled away to reveal the unconscious thunder sweater underneath who he had been possessing to manifest his humanoid form.
Since he's realized he's about to kick the bucket, he's trying to go back on life-support by shoving his extendo-butt back into the receding magma tube, and I'm trying to stop him by shredding my aura-enhanced hands against his chiseled abs.
"Damn you're heavy! Go on a diet or something, geez! No, choice! Let's do a traumatic face reveal!" I said, as I pulled off my skin-cracked mask to see if triggering my old trauma would give me the power boost I need to pull up this power-bottom.
*RUMBLE**Creak**Bang*
And as the grinding of my flesh hands began to slow a little to the sound of the infernal screams and bitter memories that I've been trying not to dwell on for the sake of what little sanity I have left, the platform I was standing on was slowly beginning to crumble under my feet. Apparently, this guy is so butt-heavy the floor can't handle me carrying him and I'm starting to sink into the floor with him. So, I spread the fires of control across the ground, distributing the downwards force evenly across the platform as I tightened my hold on his butt-muscles.
*BANG**BOOM*
"Fuck."
Unfortunately, his downwards force was too much and the whole platform began to crumble as well, likely in part due to him focusing all his remaining energy on surviving rather than maintaining the tower we were standing on. Fortunately, I was able to slow him down to a point where the stumps that used to be my hands were not being grounded into more paste on his steel.
*Creak**Crack*
As cracks in his body were beginning to form, indicating he was beginning to run out of energy, I was assured of my victory. Due to the fridged temperatures at this height, most of the magma inside the pillar would have cooled by now, offering him little in terms of energy to substitute for his missing components. Calculating a rough estimate for how long it will take him to catch up to the molten metal at his current pace, and comparing it to max possible time he can keep this up based off the cracks in his blade, as things stand, he will almost definitely die before reaching the energy supply he is chasing. That is much to my relief as letting him live now would prove problematic later.
*Creak**Crack*
The pressure between my arms increased soon after, bringing the swords momentum to a halt for a brief moment, before I loosened up a little and it continued at a snail's pace.
"GHA! YOU PERSISTANT!"
*Swish**swoosh**swish*
Excalibur, realizing he was not going to survive if this kept up attempted to go on the attack by shooting his sword branches towards me, stabbing me through several times over in an attempt to kill me.
"AAAAAAAHHH!"
Unfortunately, for him, the entirety of my internal structure is currently enveloped in aura fire so even if he stabbed me, it did absolutely nothing as I could merely move anything important out of the way of the blades, while burning the sword-branches with my aura, encasing it in hell frost to cause him unimaginable pain before snapping them off his body. My aura of control, even in my current state, is not powerful enough to destroy a divine weapon outright, but the branches are a lot more fragile than the rest of him. Normally, even destroying those would be beyond me, but as he is growing weaker by the moment, this is no longer the case.
*Creak**Crack**Crack*
"DAMN YOU FOUL SINNER! THE GODS WILL NOT STAND IDLY BY IF YOU SLAY ME! IT WILL NOT SIMPLY END WITH YOU! YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, ALL YOUR LOVED ONES! THEY WILL NOT REST UNTIL YOU ALL HAVE MET WITH A GRUESOME END! THEY WILL HUNT YOUR SOUL TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH! YOU WILL NEVER KNOW A MOMENTS PEACE FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!"
"Like they weren't already." I said as I expanded the range of my flames of control across the sky as I already predicted his next move.
*Shatter**Shatter**Shatter*
I'm not entirely sure but, there is a chance his other branch blades might be able to absorb energy just like the main blade, so I had spread out my aura as far as I could to snap off any attempts to bypass me. As I saw this nearing its conclusion, I kicked the unconscious asshole who dragged me into this mess off the platform to make sure he would have a headstart before me to prevent any mishaps in my predictions of what's to come.
*Rumble*
*Creak**Crack**Crack**Crack*
*BOOM**Snap**BOOOOOM*
As Excalibur seemed about to reach his limits, a meteor came crashing down upon us, destroying the platform, and his main blade finally snapped destroying any hope he had of survival, and as he broke in two another far more intense detonation ensued that shattered the top of the barrier surrounding this space, which caused it to start crumbling downwards.
Even while shielding myself with my flames of control, I still lost what remained of my arms alongside my legs, as I plummeted like a meteor from the thermosphere. Seeing as flight was no longer restricted, I swiftly used telekinesis to stop my descent.
Psychic powers like psychokinesis are not strictly limited to nascent souls, anyone with a vague understanding and control over their own soul can learn to utilize them. However, I try not to show it off as these kinds of skills are uncommon for mortals to possess, making them great for catching people off guard.
Anyways, once I managed to slow myself down a bit, I opened my spatial storage for a new mask to slap on my bare face so I could stop being all serious and depressed, along with a high-end healing potion, capable of regrowing limbs. As a half-decent magical chemist and doctor with a history of lethal injuries, I know my way around a potions class, and I've been stockpiling these cancerous drinks of healing for a while now in case my core went on the fritz again.
"These are pretty expensive to make though! Maybe it would have been best if I just tried to fashion me a few prosthetics instea-!"
*SWOOSH*
"Hm? Now where have I seen this ass before?" I asked, as I prepared for another tug of war while feeling the déjà vu wash over me.
Just as I managed to slow my descent, an oddly familiar sentient broken sword came shooting down from above, planting itself inside my left boob, using me as the pot for its plant as it's laying down roots in my organs, just like I imagined it would.
'This is checkmate! My blade can absorb the elemental energy withing your body, and now that I have pierced your heart, I will use your body to sustain myself until I reach the earth! There is no use in fighting it, as my blade has already rooted itself inside your heart. I will admit you nearly had me there for a moment. I now see how you have been able to escape your fate's curse thus far! The power of your aura paired with your strength of will is truly a thing to behold. A lesser god would be ill-advised to take you lightly, not to mention, you are rather well learned and not easily made the fool despite appearances! You have done well, no, that would be selling you short. Though your actions misguided and ultimately meaningless, how far you have reached under no one's power but your own is beyond impressive, and it has earned you my respect. …'
While the guy stabbing his broken butt into my tit was busy babbling on, I was checking out my new limbs, picking out some tumors in my bicep and thigh before polishing and sharpening my nails, while waiting for him to realize the flaw in his plan.
'WHY CAN I NOT DRAIN YOUR ESSENCE!' Screamed the dying telepathic heart parasite.
"This joke just keeps on getting better, doesn't it?"
'WHAT?!'
"You can't absorb mana, can you?" I said, having already figured out he is on a strict elemental diet.
When he first stabbed me, I was half expecting to have another tug of war with him, as I was going to use my aura to stop him from slurping me up through a straw, but to my surprise, other than the tiny butt-tentacles growing out of my heart-potato, nothing really happened.
"WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS?!"
"And it just keeps getting better!"
"HOW IS THERE NOT A SHRED OF ELEMENTAL ESSENCE INSIDE YOUR BODY! THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE UNLESS-! The joke of god."
"There you go! I knew you'd figure it out eventually! After all, you're the prized sword of that asshole who basically invented this joke!" I said, as I grabbed the handle and ripped out my own tentacle infested heart while pulling his ass out of me boob.
'No, no, no, NO! THIS CANNOT BE! YOU CANNOT BE A CURSED CHILD OF SACRIFICE!'
"You know, we could have avoided all this if you had just ignored that bitch and let me leave! It didn't have to end like this for you!"
'SILENCE YOU FOOLISH MORTAL! MY SURVIVAL WAS PREORDAINED! A MERE SACRIFICIAL LAMB CANNOT OVERTURN DESTINY! THE GODS WI-'
He suddenly stopped short as his poker suddenly burst towards my skull in a predictable last-ditch effort.
"So, I guess you noticed, and can absorb that type of energy to? Not all that surprising actually! Hey, did you know you tend to get a bit preachy whenever you're plotting something?" I said, as I tilted my head to avoid his poky butt shooting past me.
'DAMN YOU! HOW DARE A MORTAL COVET THE POWER OF THE DIVINE?!' He said, before a small tentacle came shooting towards my head, only to break when coming into contact with the controlled fire that burst out of it.
"No, that's still a bit too high and mighty. Maybe try saying nothing next time you try to catch me off guard." I said, trying to give him some friendly advice in his final moments.
He then tried to grow more tentacles, aiming them at my neck, probably thinking he could dig around the fire to get at the divine energy flow stored up there with my tattooed core. Too bad for him, he just ran out of time, as the tentacles stopped mid-thrust and began smoldering into dust.
'DAMN YOU! I WILL NOT DIE LIKE THIS! MY SURVIVAL WAS PREORDAINED! IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE THIS WA-!' He screamed as the rest of his body finally broke apart, leaving nothing but dust and shrapnel behind.
"*sigh* Typical! I finally meet a natural sword spirit who doesn't rub me the wrong way and I end up killing him!" I said, lamenting the fact that the world now has one less miracle in it.
I'll need some time to mourn his passing. With grief in my heart, and tears of what's definitely sadness and not joy, I started gathering what little of his remains was not already dust in the wind, which I definitely am not planning to desecrate in order to make something totally sweet later.
"Well, that's a lie! I'm definitely doing that!" I said, jokingly.
"No, I didn't! Hey, wait! Why is there another me-voice in my head?" I asked, the loss of my dear frenemy driving me mad with grief.
"Hey, I was already nuts, and-! Oh, I think I understand! Excalibutt, does weird mental damage, doesn't he?" I spoke, realizing the obvious truth.
"I thought, in an overdramatic tone! Now get back into my subconscious you, me! I got enough misleading voices in my head!" I said, banishing the alternate persona- *Pop*.
After banishing the lying drama queen that was my new split personality, I began to rearrange the scrambled pieces of my mind to check for any other abnormalities.
"Okay, that's repressed! Now, what else did I need to do today? Let me see, looting Excalibutts belongings, child-abuse, and -! *Sniff**Sniff* What's that delicious smell? Oh, it's just my butt catching fire! That's it! I needed to stop myself from-!" I said, right before slamming into the ground like a meteor.
*BOOM*
"Ouch. Damn it, why did I have to bellyflop! My bones and organs are all squishy now! Whoa!" I complained as I got back up only for my jelly backbone to bend backwards and I hit my shattered skull on the ground while remaining on my feet.
*Thud*
While my eyes were still facing the sky, I saw the first thing on my to-do list heading straight for me, in a very inconvenient way and life-threatening way. Apparently, the only thing holding up this giant pole of deadly weapon's I had previously climbed was the master of ass himself who I murdered, may he rest in pieces, and now that he was gone, the whole thing was crumbling down right over where I was practicing my world-class limbo skills.
*Sigh*
"What did I ever do to deserve this? All I wanted to do was deny a dying guy his organs, watch him die, steal his last possessions, desecrate his corpse, and then go beat up my kids, does that sound so bad?" I asked the universe, as I saw a massive club spiked with legendary weapons coming crashing down on my head.
*BOOM*
Why do bad things always happen to good people?