The moment I saw her, I froze.
The goddess of the underworld sat on a throne of bones at the far end of an immense hall. Her legs were crossed, her hands clasped together in her lap, while dark fabric fell from her knees and spread across the stone below.
A crown rose above her black hair in layered horns. Her face was hidden behind a dark veil, yet I felt watched from every direction, completely exposed before her.
"I've been waiting for you, Ereshgal."
Her voice reached me clearly despite the distance. Before I knew it, I was standing right in front of her. I barely reached her ankle.
"Interesting. Tell me, how do you feel?"
I swallowed. My eyes went briefly to the floor. Should I kneel? I had no desire to. But if she took offense...
"Do not worry. You may speak freely."
A strange calm washed over me. All my nervousness vanished.
"I won't repeat myself."
How did I feel? Why was she asking me that? More importantly, I had so many questions of my own. I was about to ask one when I raised my head and stopped.
Something told me it would be dangerous.
"I... I feel angry and frustrated."
"I meant physically."
I frowned.
"Fine?"
Several seconds passed before she spoke again.
"Truly interesting."
What was so interesting?
"I've seen everything I needed to see. Do you have any questions before you leave?"
Before I leave? Leave for where? Was everything really going to end here?
"You should hurry. Trust me, you don't want to delay your return."
Wait… Return? Could I really go back? Hadn't I died?
"I can understand your confusion. Your head was cut off, after all. But you're rather special."
She leaned forward slightly, and I had to fight the impulse to retreat.
"An error of creation" she said. "That is what you are."
I waited, unsure whether she had insulted me or answered the question.
"You are the progenitor of a new race. I'm sure even that fool never expected this to happen. As though the world did not have enough problems already."
"A new race?" I repeated.
"Yes."
So I really wasn't human anymore. But even the god responsible hadn't expected what I'd become?
Was I just an experiment?
"Which god did this to me?"
"Does it matter?"
I stared up at her.
"It matters to me."
"The gods do not owe mortals an explanation for their actions" she said. "But that fool has escaped the consequences of his actions often enough. So I'll tell you a few things that might prove useful."
She paused.
"As the progenitor of this new race, you can create others like yourself. In fact, you've already made one. Do you remember?"
I frowned.
"What? No, I haven't."
"Not deliberately. I suppose you remember very little of that period."
"Who?"
"A man who survived your feeding. The first one they brought back to Uruk. I believe you learned about him through Namur's memories."
Ah, that man. Namur had heard a report about him but barely paid attention. He'd attacked the people tending to him, and they'd been forced to kill him.
"How?"
"He died with your blood in his body."
"So if someone has my blood inside them and dies…"
"The blood binds their soul to their body and begins the conversion."
"And he was hungry."
I looked away. For a while, she let me stand there in silence.
"His death was a mercy. I wouldn't wish what you've become on anyone."
"I can control the hunger now."
"The hunger is hardly the only problem. What that fool created was a mistake, one that should be corrected. Most of the gods agree."
She paused.
"Unfortunately, certain circumstances have forced us to let him get away with what he's done."
"If you have no more questions..."
She slowly raised one hand.
If I returned without understanding, I would still be guessing. About the hunger, the memories, everything I had been doing since I woke in that temple.
"I only feed on blood?"
She lowered her hand. "Life. Blood is simply the form in which your body takes it most easily."
"And the memories? When I kill someone, I can live their entire life."
"Blood can carry traces of a life… but you take the soul itself."
I went still.
"Their souls?"
I remembered the figures of light that had emerged from my body. They were the souls of the people I'd killed. No wonder they'd been so angry with me.
"You killed them and kept them. You prevented them from making their journey to the underworld. "
"What happens to them while they're inside me?"
"They remain outside the cycle" There was a quiet disapproval in her voice.
"And now they can?"
"Those who passed through, yes."
It did little to loosen the pressure in my chest.
"Then why can I leave?"
"Because a death must bring at least one soul through these gates. Your return requires another in your place."
I looked back at her.
"Every time?"
"Every time you die. At least one of the souls you carry must pass on before you can return. If you arrive with only your own, it will be the one that remains here."
I could come back even after losing my head. But only while there was someone else inside me to pay for it.
"Your name has become rather appropriate."
"My name?"
"You were named for me. And now you seem determined to make a habit of leaving my domain."
I wasn't sure whether she was amused or annoyed. Either way, the meaning of what she'd told me was only beginning to settle in.
"Be careful. Dying is not the only way you can lose those souls."
I waited for her to explain further, but instead, I felt her gaze settle on my chest.
"Three remain within you."
"Akhem. Liraya. Namur."
"They are rooted too deeply. Even now, they cannot pull themselves free."
I pressed a hand against my chest. There was nothing to feel except the cloth beneath my fingers.
"Because I lived their lives?"
I tried to imagine Liraya, Akhem, and Namur somewhere inside me. Were they conscious? Could they see everything I saw? I had never considered that I might have done more than kill them.
"Do I have to give up one of those three to return?"
"No. Others have already crossed. The price of this death has been paid."
A part of me felt relieved that three souls were still inside me.
Her voice grew colder.
"I don't know what state those souls are in while they're trapped inside you, but I doubt it's pleasant. Keep that in mind."
I nodded.
"That's enough questions. It's time for you to return."
No. I still had so many questions, but the most important one came to mind as I looked up at her crown.
"Did the gods hate me?"
For a moment, Ereshkigal said nothing. Her veiled face tilted slightly.
"Hate you?"
There was almost disbelief in her voice.
"Why would we hate a mere creation?"
I stared up at her.
"Then why didn't any of you choose me?"
For the first time, she sighed, and an icy wind swept through my entire body.
"More than one of us considered choosing you. You could even have been the first to be chosen by more than one god."
She paused.
"But your prophecy, your true prophecy, stopped us. If you want to know why, you'll have to find the answer yourself."
I was about to ask her more, but before I could get a word out...
"You have already asked a great deal, Ereshgal." She straightened, and the movement drew my eyes upward. "Go back. Time in the world of the living passes much faster than it does here."
My thoughts stopped.
"How much faster?"
"Enough that I would not waste more of it."
I turned toward the gates, taking a step before I remembered I still didn't know what I was doing.
"How do I return?"
"Say that you wish to return. Here." She lifted one enormous finger toward her temple.
"Will it always work that way?"
"As long as another soul has crossed in payment and you've passed through the seventh gate, you can return. I won't be here next time. This was an exception. I was curious about you."
I closed my eyes.
I want to return.
The words sounded clear inside my head.
Something tightened beneath my ribs. The stone disappeared beneath my feet, and I felt myself pulled backward, away from the throne and the immense hall.
As the distance between us grew, I heard the goddess's voice one last time.
"Anshar no longer concerns himself with the mortal world. But whenever his name is spoken, he knows. You would do well to use it with care."
Her voice faded, along with everything around me, until only darkness remained.
Then I tasted blood.