The rest of the trip passes in a blur. I don't remember every stop. I don't remember every planet or space station. I remember the things that mattered to me. The things that stuck in my mind.
The crystal planet where the whole ground was made of quartz and amethyst and other gemstones, and the sky was a shimmering, shifting array of colors because the atmosphere was so thin. I don't remember why we stopped there, but I remember the view.
I have about two hundred useless photographs from that stop, because Mira kept insisting on taking photographs and posing with us in increasingly ridiculous poses, and for some outrageous reason Xilukulkas kept indulging her.
The next planet of interest was a permanently night trading post that was lit only by the giant bioluminescent mushrooms that filled the place. I'd have called it sort of like a fairytale if it weren't full of merchants hawking cheap wares. Llywelyn mostly refused to go out onto the planet.
But I do remember a moment that I caught him outside on the deck.
He looked...
Well. He looked grumpy. But his glow seemed to sync with the pulsing of the world around us. It was mesmerizing. I remember that much.
There was a gas giant that had floating cities in its clouds, and the people there lived in bubbles. Xilukulkas forced me to wear a ridiculous diving suit. The place was beautiful. The experience was not.
And most recently, we just cleared through an asteroid belt that was nothing more than a graveyard of ships. We didn't stay or scavenge through it, but apparently, it's a place where unscrupulous pirates like to dump the remains of their victims and raid derelicts for scrap. Even Xilukulkas looked uncomfortable while we passed through it.
Now, we're nearing the galactic center.
I can see it ahead of us. A massive, swirling mass of stars, colors, and light. It's... beautiful. It's breathtaking. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. It fills the whole view of the window, and I can't look away.
It's where I'll be making my last bid for freedom.
But that's not the only reason I can't look away. I've never seen something like it. It's almost like a living thing. The way it moves and shifts. It's... it's almost hypnotic.
It's beautiful enough that I make my way through the decks of the ship up to the highest open deck to look at it without the glass between us.
The air up here is crisp and cold, and there's no fake wind. It probably means I'm dangerously close to the edge of the atmospheric dome, but it's not like I plan to jump up and down, or anything. I wrap my coat around me, and lean against the railing that overlooks the lower decks, looking out at the approaching Galactic Center.
It's really, truly huge. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like... a hurricane of stars. And we're sailing right into it.
We've been traveling alone up until this point. I've seen others occasionally at the various trade ports that Xilukulkas has stopped at, but now there are other ships around us. Big, small, and everything in between. They're all heading in the same direction, and they're all different. I can't even begin to guess what species some of them belong to.
It's... a little overwhelming, honestly. I'm not used to seeing so many ships. Or so many aliens. Or just... so much.
I close my eyes, and take a deep breath. I need to focus. I need to remember why I'm here. Why I'm doing this. I need to...
I need to get to the Galactic Center, and find a way home.
This isn't a tourist trip.
I've enjoyed my time on the starsail, traveling with Xilukulkas, Mira, and...
And Llywelyn.
I've enjoyed taking the time to talk with Staroepaskim and Jxyim, too. I can't lie and pretend that it's been torture, or anything like that, though I wish I could.
But...
I know that I can't stay.
I can't let myself get attached.
I can't let myself forget what I'm here for.
Because I've already forgotten so much. I've already lost so much. I can't lose my way back home, too.
"Sarah." Llywelyn's voice startles me, and I open my eyes, turning to look at him.
He's standing a few feet away from me, his arms crossed, his expression unreadable. He's not looking at me, but at the galactic center. His collar is a dull blue, and his hair has fallen over his shoulder nearest to me for whatever reason.
I push away from the railing, and walk toward him. "Llywelyn." I say, my voice quiet.
He finally looks at me, and his eyes are gold. "We'll be there in a day." He says, simply.
I nod. I knew that, of course. I've been counting down the days. "Yeah. Anything I should know about it before we're there?"
"It's too fis'ia loud." He scowls, and his ears flick. "It's a headache of a place. Everyone's in a hurry, everyone's got something to sell. It's full of petty criminals and gangs. It's quenti'soh kah."
"Quen... what?"
He squints at me a moment, before clicking his tongue and looking away. "It's fis'ia annoying." He clarifies. "Don't plan to waste my energy on it."
"You mean you're not getting off the ship?"
"Got something I have to do but..." He shakes his head. "Other than that."
"I see."
I don't know why.
It just...
Feels a little sad that he'll be on the ship. Like it should really matter if I see him a few more minutes on the trip there or not. But for some reason, it does.
"You..." He hesitates, and then sighs. "Just be careful. Don't wander off. It's not like you can defend yourself if-"
"I've killed a lot of aliens, you know." I point out.
He stares at me, incredulous. "You don't have a weapon."
"So I'll grab one." I shrug. "I've done it before."
"That's..." He frowns, his veins pulsing. Then he looks away. "Just try not to cause Master trouble getting you out of detention." He grumbles.
"I'm not planning on starting any fights." I assure him.
Because I'm not. I'm not going to risk causing a fuss if I can avoid it. I'll just... slip away.
I have to.
"I'm serious." He says, and his eyes lock onto mine. "You're not used to the kind of things that happen there. You don't know what it's like. You've been coddled, and sheltered, and..." "Llywelyn." I cut through his words slamming a hand on the railing next to him enough to make him jump. "Do you have any idea what it's like, on those human processing planets?" I ask, and he stills, staring at me. "You're a sentient, so you never had to experience what a conditioning camp is like, right?"
He swallows. "I... no."
"Then don't talk to me about sheltered." I say, and look away from him. I don't want to...
I don't actually want to fight with him.
There's so little time left with him and Mira and the others and...
I don't want to spend it being angry.
"Do you want to tell me?" He asks, his voice quiet.
I glance at him. He's still looking at me. His eyes are... sad. I think. Or maybe worried. It's hard to say.
His veins pulse a soft light, and his hand settles over mine.
I turn my gaze from him. "I don't think. That you want to hear it." I say, honestly.
I don't think he does. Because it's... a lot. And it's ugly, and it's painful. And I don't think he's ready to hear it. Or maybe he is, but...
I don't want to tell him. It's my story. Not his. And it's not a fun one.
He sighs, and pulls his hand away. "I... I see."
I don't know what else to say. I just stand there, and look out at the galactic center. It's getting closer, and closer.
Soon, I'll be there.
And then... I'll be on my own.
Again.
I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know if I'm excited, or scared, or just... numb.
Maybe all of them. Maybe none of them.
I just know that I have to do it.
I can hear him walking away.
"I watched a lot of people die. And I killed a lot, too."
He stops. I can feel his gaze on me.
I don't look back at him. I just keep my eyes on the stars.
"My... closest..." I grip the railing. I should just be quiet. I don't want to relive this and he doesn't need to know about it. And it doesn't matter because I'm leaving.
But I don't want him to leave. Yet.
"They were... conditioned. I guess." My lips curl in disgust at the thought. The word. The memory. "I watched my dearest friends murder my other friends. And I saw the pain in his eyes. That he couldn't stop. That he was being made to do it." I close my eyes. "I watched people drown, pulled away from me. My- Hestia."
Hearing her name.
Saying her name.
My knees buckle and I sink to the ground, hands still on the railing. Llywelyn is at my side in a moment. He says something, but I don't hear it. My head is spinning, my stomach is churning. I feel sick.
I wish I could forget it all. I wish I could go back. I wish I hadn't left her there. I wish...
I can't even say it, because I can't believe I'm thinking it, but I wish.
I wish I'd never rescued the others. I wish we were still together on that planet and what kind of a vile, disgusting person am I to think that?
To want that?
"I'm sorry." Llywelyn's voice is a whisper in my ear. His arms wrap around me, and pull me against him. "I didn't mean to- I'm sorry."
"I hate them. Llywelyn. I hate. I hate! Every fucking alien and- and I can't stop. I can't ever stop wanting to kill them. Even now that I know you're not-!" My fingers claw into his sleeves. I can't stop shaking. I want to be sick. I want to die. "I don't know how to-! How the fuck am I supposed to just let go? How can I just fucking sit here and- and-!"
"Sarah. It's okay." He murmurs. "You're okay."
"I'm not okay! I'll never be okay, not as long as-" I choke on my own words, my breaths coming too fast. I can't think. I can't breathe. My chest is tight and it hurts.
I feel something soft against my hair, and it takes me a moment to realize it's his cheek. He's holding me, and nuzzling me, and it's such a ridiculous gesture. He smells like salt and sea, and his hair is silky against my skin.
"Then you can hate me."
I freeze. My eyes snap open. He pulls away, just a little, and looks down at me. His eyes are deep, dark gold.
"I'm an alien, too." He says, his voice quiet. "If it's too hard to let go, then. Just. Keep hating me. I don't really care. A little more hate isn't going to change me at all." He brushes his thumb over my cheek, wiping away tears I hadn't realized I'd shed. "You can hate Mira, too. I don't think she cares. She doesn't really understand hate. Or anything like that."
I stare at him, my heart pounding.
He scowls and looks away from me, chest glow flaring up. "Just... stop. Cutting into your own heart like that. Alright? Don't do that, you... hetchki." His last word is soft, and there's almost no strength to it at all.
I want to laugh, but I can't. It's not funny.
I'm so tired.
I lean forward, and press my forehead against his chest, closing my eyes again. I can feel his heartbeat under my cheek. It's fast, but steady.
"I don't hate you." I whisper. "I wish. That I did."
He makes a soft, pained sound. "Yeah. It's fine. I'll do it for you until you can."
That's...
"What?"
He stiffens then, and then he's pulling me to my feet. "Come on. Master has food for us. Hurry up before Mira eats it all." He says, and starts walking away, tugging me along.
I stumble after him, my mind reeling.
I'm not sure what just happened. I'm not sure what he said. But...
I think it was something important.
Something...
Something I can't afford to think about right now.
I have to focus. I have to be ready.
I'm so close.
I can't let myself get distracted.
Even if it's him. Even if he's...
I swallow.
I have to let him go.