He tried, he really did. But sometimes he couldn't help but see Morgana as a reflection of what he could have been if he'd made different choices or failed to take the necessary precautions. A creature consumed by madness whose only question could be: "Why was I the only one who survived?"
That's why, even when her constant presence by his side—silent and nostalgic, yet pleasant—became a ray of hope in this world mired in chaos, he forced himself to look away. Because comparing her to a manifestation of his deepest fears and anxieties wasn't right, and if she were to find out, it would be a heavy and unnecessary burden to bear. He preferred to see her as his first change in the history of this world, one that, while he intended to let unfold naturally, he was still willing to modify to some extent.
"There's a park nearby, shall we stop for a rest?" he asked with a slight smile.
—Whatever you want —she replied without hesitating for a second about her intention.
During the short time they had spent traveling together, they had gotten to know each other better. He had noticed how she looked at everything around her: an icy gaze that showed no more emotion than a small glimmer of recognition. If it weren't for the way her eyes subtly lit up when they arrived at a special place—one that Merlin suspected must be connected to many fond memories—he would have thought that the scant humanity she displayed upon meeting him was nothing more than another deception carried out by an Angelic-ranked Marauder.
Oddly enough, this park seemed to be one of those rare places.
She raised her head, analyzing everything with special attention, one she had not shown since passing by a musical instrument store yesterday afternoon.
~Young people often spend a lot of time in places like this; it wouldn't be surprising if she came here to spend time with her friends —she bowed her head~~It's a shame it's already mostly destroyed.
"I used to meet my friend here," she confirmed, her face still unchanged. "It's strange, I think I'm happy?" She narrowed her eyes, analyzing the lost feeling that was returning. "How can I be happy seeing a place I loved destroyed? Doesn't that contradict the very definition of 'happiness'? Am I confusing 'happiness' with 'sadness'?"
"Could it be both?" She gave him an inquisitive look, but he just smiled and said, "Sadness at seeing a cherished place destroyed and happiness at realizing that you are slowly recovering your emotions."
She tilted her head and turned towards the ruined park; her eyes stopped on a specific bench and instantly clouded over, lost in a sea of memories.
"I don't know," he shook his head as he came to his senses. "Perhaps if I experience these sensations more often I can reach a definitive answer."
But despite her apparent denial regarding her emotions, Merlin already had proof of them, right above the girl.
The cloak the wizard had used to shield her from the rain the day they met still hung on his shoulders, the centerpiece of his wardrobe. Morgana had clung to it with such stubbornness and childishness that Merlin had given up trying to get it back and decided to give it to her after a few alterations: now, instead of being an almost black gray, it was a pure white that faded to lilac near the hem. Morgana had stared at him when he handed her the cloak—obviously different—but he had managed to appease her by saying that it was now more her style than his.
~It almost didn't work, but at least he's not staring at me anymore.
Indeed, despite all the suspicious glances he'd given her because of the changes, she continued to wear the cloak like a second skin. He'd even had to insist she put something underneath; her audacity in telling him she was perfectly fine with what she was wearing left him momentarily speechless. He preferred to think it was all due to his lack of humanity.
A palm tree moving in front of his eyes brought him back to reality.
"He seems lost in thought," she blinked and looked at her; his head was tilted to one side. "Is something wrong?"
Merlin was about to answer when, out of nowhere, a shiver ran through his body, his smile only partially formed. He straightened up abruptly: it was impossible for a mythical creature to feel cold, no matter how low the temperature; this sensation was a warning, a rather serious one, from his spirit.
"Something is coming... something dangerous and deadly is approaching." When her spirit screamed again, Merlin no longer hesitated: he grabbed Morgana's wrist and said, "Run!"
Morgana blinked in confusion, but when Merlin started running, it only took one tug on her wrist for her to follow. They both descended through the entrance to the train station, and it was halfway down that she felt him. The surge of her spirit made her eyes widen and her survival instincts go off, triggering alarm bells in her head.
She nodded her head to remain calm, but she could not stop the shiver that ran through her body, which was noticed by Merlin.
"Fear, one of the few emotions the Gods can feel without issue despite not recognizing it," he forced an amused smile. "At least humans recognize and accept it; don't you think it's funny that the Gods can't and just deny it?"
But his smile was twisted by nerves and anxiety. He knew that no one could unleash such a warning from their spirits simply by approaching them. No, in this age, only two entities should exist capable of exerting such pressure. And if the spirit worm occupying the role of mind in his body wasn't mistaken in its conclusion, then the entity they had almost met was undoubtedly Him.
This was bad, no, horrible. They almost lost their entire future over a small overdraft and the damned law of convergence that attracts someone they absolutely shouldn't be facing right now.
The Angel of Miracles stifled a sigh and toned down his smile to bring it back to normal. He didn't want his inner panic to show. What would she think if she saw how fear gripped him at the first sign of trouble? The situation might not be easy, but first impressions always mattered. Besides, he was used to hiding everything behind a smile. It wasn't a problem for him.
But it seemed Merlin had underestimated the new Angel's powers of observation. Even though her feelings remained as withered as a plant that hadn't received light and water for too long, she could still use her old memories and prior knowledge as a crutch to identify emotions through the logic of a mythical creature. It was an imperfect method, but it was the only thing to rely on for someone who had just escaped madness.
"A smile doesn't always mean joy," her voice usually seemed to have a higher pitch. "From what I know, they can also be a sign of sadness, nostalgia, disbelief, or... even a symbol of breaking down, of reaching the limit."
The magician gave him a fleeting glance, but that smile that said "everything is alright" still remained on his face.
"You've figured me out... but this smile isn't just for show." He understood her confusion, but this gesture was also a shield against all the heavy emotions the world stirred within him. A shield that prevented him from breaking, because if he were to show and accept all those feelings... he would crumble without exception.
This bright and unique smile... was what allowed her to stand.
Morgana squinted as if she were reading his thoughts and reflections.
"Perhaps my time in madness has clouded my mind to some degree"—his lips curved upward, but not with happiness; it was the small smile of someone who had just discovered something they hadn't noticed before—"But I'm still certain that humans are emotional beings who express themselves in ways beyond simply smiling."
The white-haired Angel's eyes adjusted, catching a slight wavering in the curve of her smile.
—You said, "Let's be true to our essence," and I think that goes beyond showing joy and confidence—the grip on his hand loosened—. Sir, I think you're putting unnecessary strain on yourself.
Merlin stopped and released her from his grasp. Normally he wouldn't stop even if his spirituality stopped ringing; he would always walk a few miles further. But now it seemed he would have to attend to this conversation.
"Shouldn't I be the one worrying about you, not the other way around?" It was ridiculous that the disciple was managing to beat the master on a subject the master knew perfectly well. "How can you hit the bullseye time and time again?"
A sudden wave of shame—at having been so easily discovered—and fear—at being repeatedly struck in a place he always tried to ignore—surrounded him. Had the constant solitude degraded his acting abilities? Or was it Morgana who seemed to possess above-average perspicacity?
"Wait, that can't be; many would have discovered me if that were the case," he suppressed the urge to frown. "Is it a special gift, or am I really being very obvious?"
"You're overthinking it… again." She tilted her head and walked over to stand in front of him. "I haven't known you for very long, but I see you with unusual clarity. Have I been watching you so closely that I've already identified the smallest differences?" She didn't seem so sure herself. "Or perhaps it's because you've been so focused on smiling that you've forgotten to ask yourself if it's the right time or the right reason to do so?"
"Maybe I'm just a very cheerful person," he said, using his clowning skills and smiling broadly. "Haven't you ever met someone like that?"
To Merlin's surprise, she did not answer and simply turned around to walk into the abandoned tunnels of the station.
"I have no right to comment; after all, we're not so different, except that I don't show any expression, unlike you, who always smile." The Angel of Liberty turned his head slightly to look at him, and this time it wasn't his eyes, but his words, that showed humanity. "But I also don't want the person who saved me to fall into the same abyss by holding everything back and waiting for it to explode uncontrollably... Is this what you call concern?"
She looked away, lost in thought.
"If that's the case… then I can say I'm worried about you." Morgana took the lead, starting to walk away. Unlike Merlin, who had managed to control his instinct to stop, she hadn't; she had barely remained impassive when the urge to walk away and flee overwhelmed her. "I can only remind you of your own advice to show what you truly feel instead of hiding it… and also add something to this." She stopped. "No one has to witness it; I think simply letting it out in private will be enough."
Merlin remained silent.
"Thank you for your concern," he said in a strangely monotone tone for someone so theatrical. "It's clear your humanity is growing. Is it fear that makes you tremble?" The magician silently followed the angel, who began to wander aimlessly through the underground.
She didn't seem bothered by being exposed.
"Perhaps. It's also clear that yours has increased," she replied with a slight curve to her lips. "Could it be because of the conversation we had?"
"Why do you come to that conclusion?" Merlin asked, confused. What sign of humanity had he shown that made her notice an improvement?
"Well, isn't this the first time I've seen your face without a smile?" Her tone sounded surprisingly cheerful, similar to that of someone who had achieved something great.
The Angel of Miracles swiftly brought a hand to his face. His fingers traced the outline of his lips: the curve that had once graced them was gone, replaced by a neutral line that betrayed no particular emotion. He could fix it; it only took a simple thought to activate a Clown's bodily control. But he didn't. Perhaps it was the humanity this seemed to awaken, or perhaps it was how it could be seen as a small manifestation of his weariness, a tiny glimpse into the true feelings of a being utterly exhausted from feigning security and confidence to avoid worrying others.
Leaning against the wall of one of the many deserted roads, the Angel reviewed the day's events and reflected on the... brief conversation they had shared. After that, it seemed a line had been drawn between them, neither willing to cross it without the other's permission.
"Who am I kidding?" The magician sighed. "I was the only one who built a wall around myself."
It had always bothered him that someone could see beyond or cross the boundaries that he unconsciously could. Perhaps it was because he was a seer, but after taking the position and moving forward, that discomfort only deepened to the point that the possibility of someone seeing beyond his actions filled him with dread.
~And Morgana just did it... she saw right through me and she's not even a Spectator! —Merlin unconsciously rejoiced that she had absorbed a Marauder trait and not a Spectator trait~~ On the other hand, Marauders seem to have an extraordinary sense for detecting even the smallest detail in a person's behavior, much like the abilities of a Spectator.
It didn't seem strange to him that she had paid him special attention all this time. He himself had paid close attention to Amon, trying to predict his movements, when Amon led him to the Land Abandoned by the Gods.
A slight frustration stirred in his heart when he realized he hadn't been as alert as he thought. Letting out another sigh, he told himself that, although he was anxious about having been discovered, he still appreciated the silent company that had remained by his side even with the clearly tense atmosphere between them.
"If you look at it from the outside, it would be funny to notice how the roles of teacher and student have changed," he thought, remembering how she had given him back the same advice he had given her.
Merlin clenched his fists and covered his eyes with his forearm. He was aware of his bad habits, but they were so deeply ingrained in his soul that it was almost impossible to break free from them.
"It's my fault for not practicing what I preach... Mr. Azik, I never expected being a teacher could be so difficult." Remembering the familiar and reliable figure of his teacher, his body relaxed a little. "I hope I didn't make him feel this way with all the trouble I got into." He stifled the small, self-critical chuckle he was about to let out; he didn't want to wake someone who was sleeping.
The wizard looked away. Beside him, also leaning against the wall, was Morgana. Her eyes were closed and her face was peaceful; the Angel was enjoying a deep sleep. Angels didn't necessarily need to sleep, except when they needed to recover from certain injuries, but Merlin believed that such a habit stimulated humanity, since sleep was one of its basic needs. That's why, after preparing numerous convincing arguments, he had asked the Angel of Liberty to sleep for at least eight hours.
He expected resistance similar to when he'd had to convince her to wear more clothes, but to his surprise and disbelief, she simply agreed. He began to think it might be a sign of a loss of control and secretly performed a couple of fortune-telling sessions; thankfully, all the results were negative.
The Angel of Liberty only liked to sleep. And no one should even think about waking her prematurely: the last time Merlin did, he suffered enough to learn his lesson.
"I should try to sleep too," he muttered, but then immediately let out a mocking snort. "As if that's going to happen."
Since stepping into this era, he hadn't slept a wink. The nights had dragged on, locked in his mind amidst a whirlwind of plans, information, and theories. And when there was nothing left to analyze, nightmares would come to collect past debts the moment his eyelids closed for more than a few minutes.
"If I drank the Sleepless One's potion, it would melt in my mouth," she joked. "Or maybe it's that, with all the sleep I've accumulated, I don't need to sleep. After all, I was sleeping during my battle with him; that counts, right?" No one answered, and the only one who could have was already in the land of dreams. "Ahhh, who am I kidding? Those dreams were nothing more than another form of struggle meant to slowly wear me down."
It seemed that the last time he had a well-deserved rest was when he still lived in Tingen. These moments, however calm and quiet they were, still forced him to remain constantly alert.
"It seems he'll never be strong enough for me to relax," she said, covering her face with one hand.
It had always been this way: constantly facing enemies above his rank, killing them with elaborate plans, and when that wasn't possible... fleeing. Time and again he fled and hid. This in itself didn't bother him too much, but when it was repeated over and over... one gets tired of feeling that way, powerless precisely when the situation demanded it.
I was lucky today, and he didn't seem to notice her when she walked by. But how long would their luck last?
~How could we evade it? —As Sequence 2 Path Angels that the Worthy Celestial dominated as a Pillar, it was inevitable that they would become a giant magnet, with Tianzu and them as opposite poles destined to attract each other~~ The damned Law of Convergence must be writhing with excitement to accelerate our encounter.
Merlin sighed irritably; his thoughts returned to the Worthy Celestial. He was aware of his weakness; he could only hope that the Pillar himself would meet his end at the hands of his equal, as in the past.
~But it will still be centuries before a total war breaks out between them —he let his hand fall, freeing his face~~ In the hundreds of years to come, the probability of finding him will only increase.
He had to find a way to circumvent that law, and he had to do it soon.
The Angel of Miracles watched his companion again. Her chest rose and fell, feigning a breath and a heartbeat she no longer needed but still longed for as a former human. A pang of envy clouded his eyes as he beheld the peace with which she rested, unaware of the danger that stealthily approached. But he was also grateful for her ignorance. The Worthy Celestial was his problem, a conflict he hadn't been able to resolve even in the future.
My future, and that of the other transmigrants, had always been manipulated by him, in an attempt to turn us into perfect vessels for his rebirth. Merlin looked away. "I'm already used to him thanks to our previous battles in the dream world. I know how he thinks... I know his plans." He offered a smile; not mocking or joyful, it was a smile that sent chills down a face that always radiated joy and excitement. "I could never free myself from you, just as you will never be able to free yourself from me."
When the Worthy Celestial fell this time... there would be no prophesied rebirth, no contingency plans, and not even believers to stand by him. His only companions would be the silence and eternal darkness of a coffin sealed by the hatred of all those whose lives he had taken and whose futures he had stolen... and Merlin...
Merlin would be the locksmith of that coffin, and the temple would guard that tomb for eternity.
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