AFTER THAT DAY, Gu Mang came to understand something about Mo Xi. He constantly exuded an aura of strength and indifference, a sense that he'd remain unruffled in any calamity. But the more Gu Mang interacted with him, as his memories began to recover, the more he realized that this wasn't the case. Mo Xi was always repressing a horde of emotions. They were all under his control, but they couldn't be dispelled.
As a result, Mo Xi was always extremely irascible. When he stood alone beneath the colonnade, staring vacantly into the snow, his expression was terrifyingly complicated. And the tone of his voice changed constantly when he spoke to Gu Mang, contradicting himself in its conflict. He was like an incurable lunatic on the verge of being tormented to death by his own thoughts, yet he still insisted on donning a mask of ice.
Gu Mang had the feeling that the face behind the mask was in truth quite fragile. Because of that, he never held a grudge against Mo Xi for striking him and disparaging him earlier. There seemed to be an unshakeable habit etched in Gu Mang's bones that allowed him to effortlessly catch the subtle pain in Mo Xi's expression, and this made him instinctively want to protect Mo Xi.
How strange. Mo Xi was clearly a man so powerful that to even imagine him defeated was difficult. He was taller than Gu Mang, stronger than Gu Mang, more venerated and more intelligent than Gu Mang. How ridiculously arrogant, how audacious was it for him to want to protect Mo Xi?
These complicated thoughts made Gu Mang feel a lot worse after he'd recovered these scant bits of memory. He often sat on the neat pile of firewood and stared blankly at his own hands. Each day and night he would go over the scraps of memory he had regained, recalling what Mo Xi had said to him over and over again.
Mo Xi had warned him not to tell anyone about the coming-of-age night, so he didn't. He wanted to sort out his past on his own, but the memories he had were truly insufficient—he couldn't link them all together. In the end, all he could do was clutch his head and sit in the courtyard for hours, tangled in confusion.
He tried asking Li Wei about Lu Zhanxing, about who he himself used to be, and what exactly he and Mo Xi used to be—but Li Wei wouldn't breathe a word of the past. All he said was, "There are certain things you shouldn't ask about. Sometimes knowing too much won't do you any good. Look, wasn't it better back when you were clueless and silly?"
Gu Mang remained confused, mired in these blurry mirages, until New Year's Eve arrived.
On this day, Xihe Manor was decorated with lanterns and banners. The servants rushed about changing the peach wood talismans and hanging lanterns. Spirals of steam puffed out of the kitchen from morning till night. Gu Mang also busied himself helping; he minced the meat for filling and wrapped dumplings, and scooped fried spring rolls out of the pot. He spent the day bustling about, busy as a bee.
Surrounded as he was by lively domesticity, Gu Mang was able to cast aside his preoccupation with his memories and act with his original childlike innocence again. He crouched by the fire pit, stuffing it with straw and other kindling, then waved his little fan to blow air in. When he saw the straw catch fire within the furnace, his eyes lit. He wanted to see it again, so he stuffed a good deal more firewood into the chamber.
But there was no actual need for it. One of the cooks turned and immediately paled in terror. "Seven-Ninety!" she shouted. "What are you doing?"
Seven hundred and ninety was the serial number hanging off Gu Mang's slave collar. Xihe Manor's servants couldn't get used to calling the former General Gu by name, so they all called him Seven-Ninety.
Gu Mang looked up from beside the furnace. Face streaked with soot, he sneezed like a tabby cat. His overenthusiastic additions of firewood had more or less reduced the cook's spring rolls to ashes. The burly woman yanked him away and hauled him over to Li Wei. "Housekeeper Li, can't you find somewhere else for him?! If he stays behind the stove, we'll all have a big plate of coal for the New Year's Eve dinner tonight!"
Seeing this woman snarl at him like an enraged tiger, Housekeeper Li lost his courage. After consoling her for some time, he led the sooty-faced Gu Mang to the rear courtyard and put a broom in his hands. "Why don't you just sweep up here?"
Sweeping the floor should have been the simplest of tasks, but Gu Mang didn't do this right either. It was custom for every household in Chonghua to scatter some dried goods like peanuts and longans on the ground on New Year's Eve as a good omen for prosperity and fortune. So busy was Li Wei that he forgot to warn Gu Mang of this, and thus, when he came back to check, Gu Mang had swept up all of these good omens they had scattered across the floor.
It would've been one thing if he'd only swept them up—but he'd also tossed them out. Li Wei's face turned green. T-this is a bad omen, he thought.
Afraid that Gu Mang would beget more misfortune in his ignorance, Li Wei stuffed a copy of the Three-Character Classic! (Introductory reading material for children) into his hands. He had specifically gone to the market to buy this book when he had been teaching Gu Mang to read. He pulled Gu Mang into the study and instructed him sit obediently by the desk. "Please, good sir, take this as a plea. Don't go anywhere, don't do anything—just stay here and read until dinnertime."
But Gu Mang understood the concept of fairness very well. "I need to do work."
Li Wei was at his wit's end. He handed Gu Mang a sheaf of paper and said, "How about copying verses? That counts as doing work. Once you copy out a hundred pages, come eat."
Gu Mang nodded. "Okay."
Having settled this wandering mischief monster, Li Wei heaved a sigh of relief. He left to continue working, muttering to himself. The feast tonight would be glorious, and every bit of it was for the enjoyment of the servants. Xihe-jun would be attending the New Year's feast at the imperial palace, not the manor. The cat was away, so the mice could play—of course Li Wei was in high spirits.
As he hummed in delight, he turned the corner and bumped into a figure in long black robes. Li Wei looked like a duck that had been snatched by the neck. With a quack, he swallowed the tune he was humming and hastily plastered a warm smile over his face. "My lord, you're preparing to leave?"
"It's about time. I should be going to the palace." Mo Xi didn't pause in his step; he continued straightening the creases of his sleeves as he walked. "Prepare the carriage."
"Oh, of course," Li Wei responded.
As he made to leave, Mo Xi stopped him. "Wait."
"What further instruction does my lord have?"
"Summon Gu Mang; I'll bring him with me."
Li Wei was at first shocked to hear this, then overcome with unexpected glee. Shock, because he hadn't expected Mo Xi to take Gu Mang along, though it was customary for each noble family to bring a few personal guests. Glee, because Gu Mang had a voracious appetite, and they would've had to fight him for every morsel if he stayed at the manor. If he were gone, it would save them from having to feed a great big mouth. These were his own selfish thoughts, but Housekeeper Li was never derelict in his duty as Mo Xi's head housekeeper. "My lord, it's the New Year," he said, demonstrating his loyalty to his post. "If you bring a traitor, won't the other families be displeased?"
Mo Xi wore a stormy expression. "Yesterday, His Imperial Majesty mentioned him by name and said to bring him so that he could see the results of his training. You think I'd do it otherwise?"
"Ah, so that's how it is."
Mo Xi frowned. "Where is he? Have him clean himself up and meet me in the main hall to accompany me to the palace."
"At once!" Li Wei responded.Thus, before Gu Mang had copied more than a few lines of his book, Li Wei dragged him out to brush his hair and change his clothes, then stuffed him into Xihe-jun's carriage. All of which he performed with smooth and agile alacrity.
Yes! Both the lord and the glutton are gone! Brilliant fireworks were going off in Li Wei's heart, but his expression was still immaculately deferential as he solemnly saw the disappearing carriage off. "Safe travels, my lord."
A perfect success! Now everyone can let loose and eat their fill at the New Year feast.
Chonghua's New Year's Eve feast wasn't overly formal. The food was arranged on the tiered tables in advance, and the nobles could arrive as early or late as they wished.
Mo Xi made his entrance before the main crowd arrived in the palace hall. The officials had already transformed the throne room into a grandiose sight. No less than a thousand longevity and fortune lanterns lit the night, and a thick red carpet embroidered with tree peonies covered the ground. Butterflies and birds made from spiritual energy danced in the air, motes of light scattering with each beat of their wings.
Mo Xi had entered without fanfare, but with his broad shoulders, slender waist, and long legs—and the traitor Gu Mang conspicuously at his side—he inevitably drew a great deal of notice. The nobles within the hall came forward to greet him one after another.
"Xihe-jun, you've come early today."
"Xihe-jun, happy New Year!"
Although these pleasantries were directed at Mo Xi, their speakers' eyes glanced in Gu Mang's direction. Some of those gazes were curious, while others were filled with loathing or disdain. Beneath their stares, Gu Mang felt rather ill at ease. Mo Xi greeted the newcomers one by one.
Yue Chenqing was at the banquet as well; after glancing back to see Mo Xi, he bounded over. The young man looked particularly good today. His hair was bound up in a golden crown, and his snowy-white Yue Clan robes were neat and crisply pressed, setting off his dashing and youthful appearance. "General Mo! You're here! Happy New Year, happy New Year!"
When Mo Xi saw Yue Chengqing in such high spirits, he knew at once that the boy's fourth uncle was around. Otherwise, this lazy lout wouldn't be twirling around so gaily. As expected, he caught a glimpse of Murong Chuyi behind Yue Chenqing, arrayed in silver-trimmed white robes. His ribbons gleamed silver as he stood by the tiered tables and poured osmanthus wine from a jar.
Sensing Mo Xi's eyes upon him, Murong Chuyi turned his head slightly and nodded in greeting, then returned to pouring his wine. The Ignorant Immortal's reputation for coolness and disregard for social convention was well-deserved indeed.
As Mo Xi contemplated this, Yue Chengqing interrupted his thoughts. "Oh right! Mengze-jiejie is here too!"
The name "Mengze" felt like a soft thorn poking into Mo Xi's heart. He stared at Yue Chenqing. After a moment, he asked, "She's back?"
"Yep, she got back a couple days ago." Yue Chenqing blinked, rather baffled. "Eh? She didn't tell you?"
Mo Xi said nothing. That soft thorn stabbed deeper. Princess Mengze always instilled in Mo Xi a peculiar feeling. He couldn't quite put it into words—it was perhaps guilt mixed with gratitude, so potent it had turned into a type of friendship more patiently abiding than love.
Once there been two people in this world for whom Mo Xi would offer up his life if they said the word. One was his Gu-shixiong. The other was Murong Mengze.
Gu-shixiong was the man he loved, but in the end, he'd proved unworthy of that love. Murong Mengze loved him deeply, but the one unworthy of her love was Mo Xi. Since Mo Xi had lost his Gu-shixiong forever, Princess Mengze was his only remaining weakness.
Mengze had fallen for him a long time ago, but Mo Xi had been a silly youth back then and hadn't understood her affections. He had rejected her directly and stiffly, without the slightest tact or gentleness. Fortunately, Mengze was a learned and well-mannered woman. Stubborn to her core, she never uttered a word of complaint over her hurt feelings, nor did she further entangle herself. She retreated into a corner where she wouldn't get in his way and continued to quietly care for him as before.
Mo Xi had a cold personality, but his heart wasn't truly made of iron. He had taken notice of the years of affection she'd shown him. When she was still healthy, she'd insisted on joining him on the battlefields despite her status as a member of the imperial family. She'd refused to admit it was because she couldn't bear to be parted from him; she only said that she wanted to gain experience, and that women were more than a match for men. She'd treated his wounds and applied his medicine. In the lanterns' hazy light, she would speak gently to him, but Mo Xi only ever offered her an expression of cool reserve. She'd seen this and understood, so she stopped.
Murong Mengze bore everything so silently, with so much self- restraint, that she even gave Mo Xi the illusion that she no longer liked him. As if her affection had been so shallow that his rejection had dispersed it entirely.
But then—when Gu Mang had gravely wounded him, when Gu Mang had left a bloody hole in his heart and his spiritual core was about to shatter, it was Murong Mengze who had led the healers that rushed to his rescue. He had thought this girl's feelings for him were superficial, yet she was the steadfast one who took his hand and led him back from the brink of death.
He had once believed that the love between him and Gu Mang was sincere and deep, while Murong Mengze's affections paled in comparison. But that wasn't true. He had offered everything to Gu Mang, but it wasn't enough to make him turn back. Mengze, on the other hand, asked for nothing from him, yet she'd exhausted her spiritual core transferring energy to him, just so he might live.
In order to save him, she herself had suffered grave injury. To keep his heart from stopping and his core from breaking, she gave up years of her life. Because of this, her health was permanently compromised, and she could never again cast powerful magic. She had once smiled and said that she wished to "fight across the Nine Provinces and roam undefeated over the lands as a woman." That vision could now never become reality.
"There are many beautiful things in the world and many people who can make you happy. You have much to look forward to." Murong Mengze had once said this to Mo Xi.
After Mo Xi had regained consciousness and learned that Mengze had sacrificed her own core to save his, he flew to her sickbed. He was on the verge of a breakdown—he had been betrayed by the one he loved deeply, and was unworthy of devotion from this person who admired him secretly.
He didn't know what he should do; he didn't know why Gu Mang was so ruthless, why Mengze's feelings were so true.
There beside her sickbed, he asked why she was so foolish. Curving her bloodless lips, she smiled. "Don't risk your life for a momentary impulse again. I'm not asking for you to return my feelings." She reached out to tap Mo Xi on the chest. "I only ask that you consider how I'd feel the next time you're seized by a dangerous impulse. That would be enough.
"She was true to her word—after that day, she never once mentioned the fact that she had sacrificed her core for Mo Xi. "You don't need to be with me out of guilt or gratitude," she had said. "I know you still don't love me. I can see it in your eyes."
Nor did her behavior change after she recovered. Just as before, she concealed herself in discreet places and used her own methods to quietly care for him and keep him company. Even if all of Chonghua felt that the right thing for Mo Xi to do would be to marry her, Mengze was very clear on the matter. She would never impose upon his already conflicted heart.
But the more she endured, the deeper his remorse grew. Although he could not fall in love with her, and she never became his wife, after all these long years of sacrifice, she had become the only maiden in the world whom Xihe-jun treasured and felt any tenderness toward. All in all, she was still special.
Yue Chenqing saw the distraught look on his face and asked, "Xihe- jun, what's wrong?"
After a beat, Mo Xi returned to his senses. "Nothing. Where is she?"
"She went to Fetyao Terrace. She said the decorative lanterns there were pretty, so she's viewing the lights."
Mo Xi frowned. "It's so cold and she's in poor health. How could she..." He paused and then said resolutely, "I'll go check on her." He wasted no more time in the palace hall and headed straight for Feiyao Terrace.