THE SPEAKER OF THOSE WORDS did not take them to heart, but the listener did. Mo Xi shut his eyes. He felt as if a phantom knife had pierced his vitals, filling his chest with blood that splattered across the ground.
Since Gu Mang had returned to Chonghua, he had only seen people with hateful, furious, and cruel expressions on their faces. He'd never seen anyone look at him the way Mo Xi did. "I'm sorry," he blurted. "I won't ask you to be my lord anymore. Don't be sad."
Mo Xi said nothing.
"Don't hate me. If you stop hating me, will you stop hurting?"
Delicate lines rippled over the lake's surface, the shattered motes of reflected light like a skyful of flickering stars.
"Too late," Mo Xi rasped, seemingly an age later. "Gu Mang, one day...you will die a justified death by my hand. I've sworn it." He turned around, his handsome features hazy and indistinct beneath the unsteady light of the red lanterns. "I was never a good person. It's just that Shixiong forgot."
At this, Gu Mang immediately swallowed the rest of his bun and began patting himself down. Confused, Mo Xi asked, "What are you doing?"
After Gu Mang had run his hands all over his clothes, he raised his head to say, "It's dry." He then reached for Mo Xi's hands, wanting him to feel it for himself. Of course Mo Xi refused and shook off his grasp. He asked with a frown, "What do you think you're doing?"
"Huh. My chest isn't wet at all, so why did you call me 'shi xiong'?" ("wet chest", sounds just like shixiong)
Mo Xi blinked, dumbfounded.
In any case, Mo Xi meant what he said. He had never been perfectly good, far from it. He had rash ambition and reckless impulses, and had gone through phases of reserve as well as abandon. Gu Mang had personally witnessed it all. Witnessed it all—and forgiven it. But this present Gu Mang had buried their past. Mo Xi was the one standing in this besieged city, all alone, filled with resentment because he couldn't tear himself free.
As they walked home that day, Mo Xi told Gu Mang, "I've committed many wrongs." But when Gu Mang asked him what they were, he fell silent. He used to love Gu Mang, so he had always refrained from doing anything that would disappoint him. Up to the day Gu Mang had admitted to his face that he'd turned traitor, Mo Xi hadn't actually hated him. And he hadn't truly committed many misdeeds, as he claimed. When it came to Gu Mang, there was only one thing that he truly considered a mistake.
And that was falling in love with him.
That was an unforgivable crime that he had still chosen to commit over and over again. He was like an idiot beyond saving, angrily reminding himself he could never again make the same mistake while continuing to hang himself again and again on the same tree.
That night, Mo Xi lay in bed, staring dry-eyed at the swirling patterns on his curtains and thinking, why not just kill Gu Mang in a single strike? Why not make a clean cut and be done with it? What was he pushing himself like this for?
It was only later that he realized he hoped Gu Mang would remember the past. Not just so Gu Mang could answer for his betrayal, and not just so Mo Xi could hear Gu Mang repent or see Gu Mang shed tears. He still wanted Gu Mang to come and ask him about some of the secrets known only to the two of them. Even if Gu Mang ranted and raved at him, even if they had to spill one another's blood and fight to the death once more, it would at least be better than the state of things now, where Mo Xi alone had to shoulder the memories of two.
"Gu Mang." A sigh so soft it was barely audible drifted from beneath the bed's canopy. "In the end, you're the heartless one."
And so time passed just like this. Mo Xi was constantly on guard, but he never found any sign that Gu Mang was faking his condition, and his hopes gradually faded. As he began to give up, his irritation with Gu Mang grew.
The kiss-up Li Wei observed, "Before, whenever Gu Mang showed up, the lord's eyes would be locked right on him. But now, whenever Gu Mang shows up, the lord turns away first." He concluded, "The lord is frustrated indeed."
Li Wei hardly needed to say it; all of Xihe Manor could feel Mo Xi's frustration. It was said that repression made people go crazy. Mo Xi's anger had been repressed for a long time, and the criticisms he heaped on Gu Mang gradually grew crazier—
"Why must you eat with your hands? Has no one ever taught you to use chopsticks?"
"If you don't know how to wash clothes, then how do you know how to put them on?"
"Li Wei's taught you how to make lotus root porridge three times, yet you still can't tell the difference between the salt and the sugar jars. Are you blind or is your tongue broken?"
The miscellaneous chores thrown at Gu Mang grew more and more numerous, while the standards demanded became higher and higher. The more hopeless Mo Xi felt about Gu Mang recovering his memories, the more impatient he became. By the end, even Mo Xi's personal servants found it outrageous.
"Even though the lord's always walking around like a thundercloud, he wouldn't go off on us for no reason, and he'd never make things harder for us on purpose... But when it comes to Gu Mang..."
"Ah, looks like Gu Mang really pisses him off."
Some days later, Mo Xi's personal servants found themselves completely idle. This was not because of anything they had said or done, but because that twisted Xihe-jun had already assigned every last one of their duties to Gu Mang.
One had to admit that Gu Mang was very clever. Although his mind had been damaged, his capabilities remained intact. After a month, he was able to properly and neatly handle all the chores that Li Wei had taught him.
On top of that, he was physically strong and a fast worker, and didn't complain when he was assigned the work of ten. He never even whined about being tired. When the servants gathered, they gossiped about him nonstop.
"Look at the damned life he's living."
"He has to wake up at midnight to chop the firewood, and light the cooking fires and make breakfast before dawn. Once the lord wakes, he has to tidy up the room, and no matter how well he cleans, he suffers a round of scolding afterward. After that, he eats breakfast, only to be yelled at again while he eats. Then when the lord goes to court, he has to wash the clothes and hang them up to dry, then scrub the floors in the main hall, the reception pavilion, and the dining hall until they shine, then feed the fish and weed the back garden, then prepare dinner..."
"My god, I wonder how he feels."
How did he feel?
No one would believe it if he said so, but Gu Mang didn't actually feel a damn thing. His vocabulary was so pitiful that when Mo Xi shouted at him, he could only understand simple phrases like "Are you a pig?" On top of that, his obliviousness to social mores meant he didn't realize there was anything to be upset about.
Because of his beastly nature, he considered things as an animal would. Even though Mo Xi always looked mean when he talked to him, and spoke quickly and impatiently whenever he started ranting, Gu Mang didn't dislike him. After all, Mo Xi gave him good food every day. In Gu Mang's eyes, Xihe Manor was like a wolf pack's territory. Mo Xi was very strong— every day, he would venture out to earn his "official's salary." This official's salary could be exchanged for food, items, and clothing, so Gu Mang felt that Mo Xi was a wolf with excellent hunting skills who was just a bit too fond of howling. However, since he was so capable, Gu Mang decided not to look down on him for it.
Roles and duties were very clear-cut within the wolf pack. If Mo Xi needed to go out and hunt, and he told Gu Mang to stay within the territory to patrol, clean up, and do the washing—well, that was reasonable. Cooking was a rather complicated task and he'd needed ten or so days to learn all the words on the labels of those bottles and jars, but he was still quite pleased with himself. Now, not only did he know how to write the words "sugar" and "salt," but also "rice," "flour," and "oil." Gu Mang felt that these were amazing accomplishments, and it was all thanks to Mo Xi's howling.
As for "vinegar" and "soy sauce," those words were too hard; he didn't know them, and he had no plans to learn. The scent of vinegar was so strong he wrinkled his nose as soon as he smelled it. He knew he would never mistake it for anything else in this lifetime.
Every day, he and Mo Xi shared the spoils of Mo Xi's hunts. Gradually, Gu Mang came to think of Mo Xi as a companion. And every time Mo Xi cursed and shouted at him, he felt inwardly anxious, though he didn't say anything. He knew that irritable wolves were more likely to fall into traps, and besides, if they got too angry, their fur could fall out. If they lost too much fur, they would easily fall sick, and if they got sick, they would easily die. He didn't want Mo Xi to die, because Mo Xi was the only person in Chonghua willing to share his prey with him.
There were many times when he wanted to comfort Mo Xi so he would be less angry, but he went round and round Mo Xi without figuring out a way to calm him. In the end, all he could do was stand off to the side, listening as Mo Xi cursed him out while praying for Mo Xi's longevity. Only like this would he have food to eat.
Such were Gu Mang's thoughts. Fortunately, Mo Xi had no idea, or his rage would've sent him to an early grave.
It was nearing the end of the year, and the Bureau of Military Affairs was busy, so Mo Xi returned home late many days in a row. One particular night, he returned from a dinner party so late even Li Wei had already retired. He'd had a bit to drink at the party, but he had always been self- disciplined and drank only out of courtesy, not for pleasure. He certainly never indulged to the point of drunkenness. His chest was just rather warm, causing some minor discomfort.
As he came to the courtyard that held his own quarters, he spied Gu Mang squatting by the lotus pond, bathing the big black dog with his sleeves rolled up. When the black dog caught sight of Mo Xi, it struggled free of Gu Mang's grip and immediately ran off. Gu Mang got to his feet, water dripping from his arms.
"Are you a pig?" Mo Xi snapped with his usual impatience.
The black dog had splashed Gu Mang with water, compelling him to wipe a hand down his face. Mo Xi caught sight of that hand, fingers bright red from the cold, and suddenly thought of the old Gu Mang, who had lied to everyone and snuck out to earn money washing dishes just to spoil him.
Something seemed to have lodged in his throat. Only after a long interval did he manage to say, "Are you a pig? Why can't you fetch firewood and heat up some water to wash him with?"
"Fandou doesn't like heat."
"Who?"
Gu Mang used his sleeve to mop away another trickling stream of water. "Fandou."
Mo Xi realized he was talking about the black dog that had been inseparable from him since Luomei Pavilion, and was rendered momentarily mute. Gu Mang always put the care and comfort of others above himself, often to his own detriment. Now, all he had was this dog- brother, so he cared for the dog's feelings the same way he had cared for people.
In the chill night air, Mo Xi studied Gu Mang's face, taking in the way the bright moonlight illuminated his clean features, his pure expression, and his tranquil blue eyes. He wanted to say, Why are you doing this to yourself? But when his lips moved, the sneering words that emerged were, "Aren't you a saint."
He went inside to bathe and wash up, then climbed into bed with his robes fastened. But he tossed and turned, incapable of sleep. Lately, he felt like he was becoming increasingly unhinged. Without an answer from Gu Mang, he was like an unexorcised vengeful ghost, driving himself madder and madder. Sometimes he even thought it would be better if Gu Mang died, or if he himself did. It would be better than this incessant guessing, this tumultuous torment.
After midnight, it started to snow. Mo Xi stared into the dark through dry eyes. Suddenly, an impulse seized him. He flung the canopy aside and rushed outdoors without bothering to put on his shoes, his feet landing on the soft snow, gleaming white as willow fuzz.
"Gu Mang!" he yelled into the cave-like entrance within the pile of Taihu stones, thinking to himself that perhaps it was high time he got checked out by a doctor. "Gu Mang, you'd better come out!"
The entrance curtain rustled, and Gu Mang emerged, confused and half-awake. He rubbed at his eyes. "What's wrong?"
Mo Xi ground his teeth for a long time before answering stiffly, "Nothing." After a pause, he spat out, "But I don't want to be the only one awake."
Any normal person would surely blanch with fright and shriek, horrified, You must be crazy! But Gu Mang was clearly not a normal person. He only stood there, his eyes sleepy and unfocused, and calmly said, "Oh."
That exhalation was as calm as the water in an old well. Such an utterance wouldn't have elicited the slightest ripple of emotion from a normal person, but Mo Xi clearly wasn't normal either. The water fell into roiling oil and sparks instantly filled the sky. Rage surged within Mo Xi. He was barefoot in the icy night, clad in a thin robe, but he felt not a hint of chill. Instead, he felt violently hot.
He stared at Gu Mang, fiery sparks filling his eyes. Then he grabbed the man's arm so tightly red marks instantly appeared on Gu Mang's wrist. He yanked him close and glared into his face. "I'm in a bad mood. Haven't you lost your wits now? Haven't you lost all your dignity, all your understanding of shame, all your memories? Don't you submit meekly to everything?"
He watched those bewildered, drowsy eyes in the snowy night. In those blue eyes, he saw his own face, driven mad by suppressing himself for days on end. He realized he was being quite ridiculous. He swallowed thickly in an attempt to contain the defiant fury within him, but his breaths were still scaldingly, scorchingly hot.
"Very well." He tightened his grip on Gu Mang's arm and stared down at him. "You'll keep me company tonight."