Well, it was to be expected.
The last game we played, like the rest, ended in my defeat. From the moment I left the bathroom, I assumed I was going to lose, so I didn't bother to play well. I didn't bother, and yet...
"You were just a hair's breadth away from hitting the black one. You played it well."
As I calmed down, Aitsuki's mood, which had previously dipped, seemed to recover somewhat. Seeing the change only made me realize that he'd been the one ruining the game.
I was ashamed of having gotten angry over something that wasn't even serious in the first place. It wasn't something I could just let go of after calming down; I felt down, even though I tried to put on a somewhat cheerful face.
"Did you have fun now?"
"Yes, it wasn't bad."
I went to put the cue in the holder on the wall, and I looked away from her when she asked me the question. She didn't seem to think much of it.
"That'll be 2,800 yen, please."
When we approached the counter to pay for the two and a quarter hours we had been playing, and before she took out all the money, I took out my wallet to pay for part of the time with a 1,000 yen bill. Aitsuki responded instantly.
"You don't need to pay, I already told you I'd pay for everything."
"Let me pay a part of it, even if it's just a little."
"Next time we come, I'll let you pay half."
Without letting me argue, she paid for everything.
Again? As if there would be another time…
I wouldn't know what to say if there were a next time. Do I really want to repeat this? I don't want to risk going through something like this again.
As we went outside to find somewhere to eat dinner, I saw all the kids playing on the arcade machines. A group of four boys were throwing balls, which rolled away and didn't go into any of the holes; another group of three girls were trying to shoot basketballs into a hoop; and two boys were playing table hockey. They were all having fun.
Aitsuki parked her car near the building, so we didn't take long to get there. Now we were going to look for somewhere to have dinner, if she hadn't already made plans. I needed to spend more time with her.
I had the courage to try to save myself that.
"Aitsuki. Could you take me home now?"
Once we were both in the car, she seemed surprised by my question. It implied she wanted to have dinner at my house, which would be odd, since the only reason I was there was because, besides the pool game, she was going to treat me to dinner.
"Don't you want to come over for dinner? It's my treat."
"Next time we go out, you're inviting me."
"That's not fair."
I don't deny that it was moderately satisfying to use his own words against him, although the joy didn't last long.
" I'm tired, I'd rather have dinner at home."
The good thing about feeling down was that I looked tired, even if I could go to dinner with her. Aitsuki might not be too happy about me leaving without dinner after sacrificing her dignity by treating me to everything, but she didn't take it badly.
"Well then, I'll take you right now," and after saying that, he prepared Doodle Maps™ to go to my house.
I didn't realize there were so many people in the street until I looked out the car window, although it was to be expected, being a Saturday.
I don't usually take the train home at night unless I'm going out for dinner, so I rarely get to see the nighttime scenery while I'm on the move. Although I'd have to wait until I left the city to see it.
Seeing so much light bothers me, and it's all there is here. Besides, I can't see any stars in the sky because of it. Sometimes I think it would be nice to live in a small town, but I'm not going to leave here either.
The entire time Aitsuki drove around town, we were silent. I started watching her drive, and I couldn't quite understand what she was doing. She didn't seem at all like someone who'd been driving for less than a year.
It was when we left the city that I couldn't stop looking outside. Yes, there wasn't much to see, but enough to appreciate it. It was relaxing. If I weren't with her, I would close my eyes. I could have pretended to be asleep.
"You know, driving isn't easy."
"?"
At first I didn't pay attention to what he said, thinking I was talking to myself, but after thinking for a moment, I imagined he was talking to me, so I turned around to look at him.
" Passing the theory test was tough enough, but it's nothing compared to the practical. So much theory, but then driving is a completely different story, even if you know more or less what you're supposed to do."
I wanted to ask her something, but I felt bad interrupting her, so I looked ahead, watching the car drive down the road and the other cars passing in the opposite direction.
"And then, when you finally pass the practical exam, it's nothing like real driving. It's strange. It's like you haven't been prepared for it at all, but you still know what to do. I guess everyone learns it in their own way."
Believing that it was an opportune moment, I decided to intervene.
"And why are you telling me this?"
" Like I was saying before, at the pool hall. I've also had moments of frustration while learning to drive, but I eventually got my license. You'll adapt eventually, you just need time."
Time. You just need to get used to it. Little by little. Take it easy. I'm sick of being treated like a kid. Hearing that definitely hits a nerve.
That left me in an even worse mood than before, and made me feel more powerless. I wanted to complain, to argue with her about it, but I knew that doing so would only make me look bad.
The best thing to do was to close the matter as soon as possible. However, that doesn't mean my words were without any weight.
"Sorry for acting like that at the pool table."
"It's okay. The important thing is that you're out."
" If…"
The conversation went no further. I looked outside, up at the sky, and she, without ever taking her eyes off the road, continued driving. We arrived at my house around eight. I felt a chill when we got there.
" Do you live far from here?"
"Not really. That's what the car is for."
" Yes. It's pretty good for someone who's just starting to drive. It's similar to my dad's."
"That's because it's my dad's."
"Oh."
With that, the idea that Aitsuki was a wealthy, upper-class girl completely fell apart. It had already crumbled when we went to the arcade.
I got out of the car, although I didn't close the door right away. There was still one last thing to do.
"Have a good night."
"You too."
I closed the car door once we'd said what we needed to say, and waved goodbye before she left. She did the same, and then she drove off. I stayed behind, watching as the car turned from my street onto another, disappearing from sight.
Avoiding looking behind me, I opened the gate to my house and walked to the entrance. I didn't approach the door yet, though. I lowered my gaze to the ground.
There was something, something I realized in the bathroom, and that's why I didn't want to go to dinner.
Daiki was right .
I had all the cards in my favor, and I did something. Something. But not a breakthrough. And it wasn't enough. Of course it wasn't. I'm his younger brother, and yet.
"I couldn't help her. After that, I had the nerve to not even show up for her funeral. I put Otsuki through hell. In class, I looked like a clown, I didn't even stand up for myself, and then I made her remember her father. And then I got angry, I got angry about two things he said to me, and he was right. He was right. And now I have to ruin Aitsuki's day."
I turned around.
"…"
There was a boy sitting on the ground against the wall of the street that faced my house, right across the street. He was curled up in a ball, clutching his hair in his hands, almost as if he were going to pull it out. He was wearing sweatpants and a black t-shirt, both stained. He was crying.
I stared at that boy, a deplorable sight. It was pathetic. Yes, it was pathetic.
"Even when I had to do something to help her, I did terribly."
I felt a strong pressure on both arms, between my wrist and shoulder, and on my legs too. As if someone were holding me down while I looked at the boy. It filled me with fear, from head to toe, as if it were replacing my blood.
"I ran away. I told them my address and I ran away. There. I had so many things to do, but I ran away. I even bothered them."
The boy didn't leave. He never left, and I didn't know if he ever would.
Feeling nauseous, empty, with blood all over my feet, devastated. I smiled. A tiny, minuscule smile appeared on my face, uneven, almost broken by the spasms at the corners of my lips.
"I ruin everything."
I had arrived at my truth, the truth I wanted to believe. I could no longer ignore it, no matter how much everyone told me otherwise.
You are strong. Little by little. You are not alone.
I use my strength to break things. I like to watch everything rot over time. I take advantage of that to hurt everyone.
It's always my choice. The day I chose to go to the convention, I lost it. The day I chose to go to class, I failed. The day everyone trusted me, I found them.
The day I wanted to see my grandmother, I ruined it.
" They got divorced because of me. All because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Mom got tired of me, and that's why she left. It's my fault."
I remembered all those times I argued with my mother, all over the silliest things. I spoke to her in an inappropriate tone, she started yelling at me, I yelled back, until she punished me or I got fed up.
When I started high school, I became reluctant to even touch her. There were days when I was in a better mood, and she'd try to approach me, but I'd push her away, shoo her off. And that would make her act the same as always.
I chose every moment, how to behave with her. I didn't want to change because it wasn't worth it; I didn't want anything from her. Part of me thought I'd be better off without her. Is it?
Whether it is or not, it was all because of that. From such a young age. Doesn't that confirm it's an innate ability?
Amidst the flood of memories about my mother, and especially all the harm I've done, an idea surfaced. My face turned pale, and the light in my eyes completely faded.
"What if that's why Amaya committed suicide? Think about it, maybe it all started because Mom left. You know she didn't feel the same way you did."
"Riku, are you here already? I thought you'd arrive later."
"…!"
I nearly jumped out of my seat when I heard a voice behind me. I turned around instantly, startled and surprised, only to see it was my father.
"Did you get dizzy on the way back? You look unwell."
"Y-yes. The car trip didn't agree with me very much."
"Come on in, don't fall."
My father held out his hand to help me, but I didn't take it. He made way for me, and I went through the door, closing it behind me.
"Where did you have dinner?"
I was still reeling from her appearance, but I had to decide what to do: lie to her or tell her the truth. I knew exactly what I wanted; I had absolutely no desire to make things up.
"I ended up having dinner here; Aitsuki had a couple of things to do at home."
"Hmm, so that's how it is. Well, there's still a little of the omurice I made left; you can have that for dinner if you like. I was going to take a shower now. You can have that along with what's left of yesterday's dinner."
My father walked me to the living room, where I sat on the sofa, pretending to be tired. I wasn't acting; I didn't want to. I nodded to everything he said, and then he went to take a shower in the upstairs bathroom.
"If you need anything, tell me," were the last words he said.
The situation I found myself in was familiar. I was sitting on the living room sofa, with the television in front of me, only this time I wasn't going to cry.
Aside from being tired, and accompanied by that feeling of emptiness, I felt nothing. I accepted the guilt I felt. The fear also vanished, except for the times when some part of my body would inexplicably twitch.
I'd gone out for the first time in two weeks, and it felt just as devastating as going back to class. It felt like a sign telling me to stay home. What was next, locking myself in my room?
I didn't need any more evidence; I had already gathered it all.
Nothing mattered.
It didn't matter if I stayed home, went out, or went to class. I was always going to feel bad, always going to end up badly. And nobody else cared either.
If I stay home, they'll support me because I need to rest. If I go out, they'll be happy because they'll say it's good for me to get some fresh air. And if I say I'm going to class, they'll be proud of me. If I stay home, they'll come and drag me out. If they drag me out, they'll hurt me. If I go to class, they'll ignore me.
Nobody has ever stopped to think about what I really want.
I didn't want to go out. I wanted to stay locked up, not see anyone. I needed to be alone. I was fine being alone. But even though they told me to take all the time I needed, they talked about things that had nothing to do with my room, and they made me feel bad for not wanting to.
Isn't that the same as forcing me to do it? In the end, I took the bait and went out, even though I didn't want to. Again and again and again. I'm tired of being led on a leash. And to top it all off, the time I want to do something, the time I let them trust me, I ruin everything, and they don't even know it.
Seeing that it was never going to end, I decided to get up from the sofa. I had to eat dinner, after all.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In the time it took me to heat up my food in the microwave and eat dinner, my father came out of the shower. He caught me putting the plate in the dishwasher.
" Isn't the omurice just too little?"
"I'm not very hungry. I had snacks out."
Dinner gave me just enough energy to think of a believable lie. My father accepted it without objection. I closed the dishwasher once I put the plate away and went to wash my hands at the sink.
"So, how was your day?" he asked, a hint of encouragement and gentleness in his voice.
"Good."
" Was the place where you played nice?"
"Yes."
"Mh, and are you going to meet up again?"
"Can."
My father tried to make conversation with me, but I always answered him monotonously, though not coldly or curtly. He gave up trying to have a conversation with me.
I turned off the tap on her last question, and left my hands inside the sink.
" I'm glad. Don't stay up too long, I'm going now. Good night."
"Sleep well."
With that, my father said goodnight, going upstairs after I answered him. It was then that I was able to pull my hands, still injured, out of the sink.
The scrapes and cracks I got were almost healed, and all that was left was for the scabs to fall off. I couldn't hide them with makeup, but it's not something my father would worry about. What stood out, but I could hide, were the bruises.
Though more subtle and less vibrant than when I first got them, they were still there, not letting me forget what I'd thought not long ago. I even forgot my hands looked like that.
Maybe that's why... excuses.
I thought I was playing badly because of how my hands were holding up, but I dismissed that idea immediately. I was playing badly because I'm bad, there's no other explanation.
As for the cuts, I found it odd that Aitsuki hadn't asked me about them. Did she even notice I had them?
Putting the injuries aside, I went up to my room.
In it, there was a white place.
"Tell me, what are you going to do?"
He was sitting in my chair, turning to face me, with his legs crossed, and both hands resting on the leg that was on top of the other.
"I'm staying here. I'm not going out."
I sat down on the side of a bed that hadn't been there seconds before, putting a hand to my forehead.
"And right now?"
" I'll enter passwords."
"What are you trying to achieve with that?"
"To see what was on her phone."
"You know that's only going to make you feel worse. It's pointless, you said so yourself earlier."
He started spinning his chair around like a child, speaking in a somewhat animated but serious tone. His usual irony and mockery were nowhere to be seen in this conversation. Having finished speaking, he stopped abruptly, at the perfect moment to look me in the face.
"Why are you doing this? It's impossible that you're doing it without any purpose. You can't lie to me; whatever it is, I'll know."
Having him in front of me didn't bother me; it was his question that annoyed me. I wasn't sure if I'd become numb from talking to him so much, or if I simply lacked the capacity to react to his presence.
" You just want to know so you can laugh at me. Laugh all you want. You were right too. I'm terrible, awful, nothing like Otsuki or Aitsuki. If only I had a shred of their courage, or their intelligence. But I have nothing. If I had anything, I lost it when I lost her."
"There's no point in crying over Amaya."
"I'm talking about Grandma. And you just said you know everything."
I glanced up, only to criticize the irony of what he had just said, then looked away, toward the white horizon. In the distance, I could see a black line where the ground and sky meet.
"Amaya is just the consequence. Whatever made me special, I lost it when I walked into her hospital room. All that crying for her, with her… It didn't matter. I hadn't recovered. I don't know if I ever did. This is exactly the same thing."
His phone appeared in my hands, and I turned it on. It still had his wallpaper, a part of him, not a lifeless black mural. I held it gently.
"I'm stuck. Things should be getting better, even though I've lost them. I have Aitsuki, Otsuki, and maybe I even get along with her friends. They both forgave me without hesitation for what I did, whether it was serious or not. I have people I can trust, and yet I still can't. I think that's what makes me so disgusting. I don't deserve help if I can't accept it."
"That doesn't answer my question, don't run away from it with your monologues, at this rate you're going to depress even me."
Before I could react, he snatched his phone from my hands instantly, without even getting up from his chair. He leaned back, pushing it with the tips of his toes. At first, I thought about getting up to get my phone back, but I didn't think much of it. I sighed.
" Someone else might want what's inside. My father could frame some photos. I'm sure they'd like to see their pictures, although, well, I haven't even shown Aitsuki her text; it would break her heart. For things like this, I need Otsuki's courage."
I raised my head slightly, still not looking directly at him. I took my hand from my forehead and placed both hands on my legs, gripping my pants a little tightly.
"Somehow, I'd be able to show Daiki what's in there. I don't know if he's blocked me, but if I unblock him, I could send him everything. Why would I want pictures of someone I can't get out of my head?"
In that last question, a scream rose from my throat, one so silent that it was almost imperceptible, but it choked my speech.
"Didn't you just not care about anything? I'll tell you the same thing you told me before. You recently said you were fed up with people taking you for walks, but now you're only moving around to satisfy their potential desires. You're a lapdog, wanting to be on their good side after everything you've done."
Except for the insult he slipped in, his voice sounded somewhat calm, one might even say serious, but there was always a lingering feeling, a residue within him that prevented him from speaking like a mature person. At least his words sounded more coherent than usual.
"When I heard you were staying here, I was happy," he said, placing his hands on his chest with emotion. "I couldn't believe you finally understood. But then you tell me you're still focused on the others? You don't owe them anything. If they want whatever it is in here, give them the phone and let them figure out the password themselves."
He got up from the spot, leaving the chair to one side.
" You've got it all sorted out. You have plenty of time to go to class, what difference does it make if you stay locked in your room for a year or two?"
"…You too," I said quietly.
What I heard made me get out of bed. Since it was a more honest conversation, I knew he meant it, that he really thought that way. Not even his mischievous attitude had bothered me so much.
"Hahaha, you're at it again, saying I need to take my time, that I'll do it little by little. With your attitude, I thought you had some ancient solution, that you were selling me a new future, and then you bring me... this!?"
That emotional block that I thought would last for months was broken by the same comment I've heard tens of thousands of times.
At this point, all that's left is for Daiki to tell me!
I was genuinely laughing. I wasn't crying or feeling bad, not at all, I was enjoying it. It was so incredible to hear it from him. It even gave me hope.
"Didn't you say you didn't care about anyone?"
"No, wait, wait, I'm going to have a heart attack."
I bent my knees slightly to rest one hand on it, clutching my sweatshirt where my chest was. I hadn't noticed that he wasn't taking kindly to my laughing at him. It bothered him so much that he had to go back to his usual act.
"Yeah, yeah, very funny, isn't it? It'll be even funnier when you go outside and I have the glorious opportunity to watch you ruin someone's life again. Who's it going to be this time? Maybe you haven't had enough of Otsuki, but perhaps you'd like to try something different with Aitsuki. Or don't tell me you're going to come crawling back and talk to Daiki!"
"And why, heh, why don't you just watch me suck your dick? Hahahahahaa!"
He was outraged, and it was the first time he'd hurled insults out of anger instead of pure malice, driven by nothing but hatred. The hatred he was showing me now was diluted by anger.
" I find it astounding that someone as disgusting as you has the nerve to laugh after everything you've done! I bet Amaya is turning in her grave watching you act like a fool!"
"And my cock's going to writhe even more inside your mouth! AAAAAhhahahahaaa!!"
He was euphoric, pure joy. It wasn't because my answers amused him—well, that was partly the reason—but what he enjoyed most was seeing his face contorted, not from malice, but from vulnerability. It was like watching a monkey dance in the circus.
"Tsk, you disgusting piece of shit!"
"Come on, don't you have anything better to say to me?! Ah, ah, let me breathe. I can't even stand it anymore."
And I had to take some time to calm down. There was a point where I wanted to burst into silly laughter just from seeing his face, but I managed to hold it in. I took a moment to breathe. I spoke.
"I don't know why I've been listening to you all this time, why I've even paid attention to you. I was right from the start. I did the right thing by going against you, by ignoring you at first. I'm surprised that you scared me, that I listened to you."
I rubbed my eyes, as tears were welling up from laughing. But I had to rub them again, because I saw no further reaction from him. Not even a response.
This made me decide to tell him everything.
" Even though I've realized you're such a fool, I'm surprised you're right about some things. I have to forget about my phone, I don't care about it at all. I'm not going to back down. I don't want to back down. Everything's a load of crap!"
I threw my hands up in the air as I exclaimed. Deep down, I was fed up with having to put up with whatever I felt or whatever the world had in store for me, over and over again.
"It doesn't matter that people can't make me feel good, I can still live. I don't need anyone's help, I don't need anyone to tell me anything. I don't care about their wishes, their promises, it's as if all the trust they've placed in me is worthless! And it's worthless if it's placed in someone like me! I've let them down three times, and I'll probably do it again!"
Nothing had changed. Once I get out of here, everything will be just as dark and monotonous, whether I go to class or not. Things aren't going to get better no matter how much I try to act the part. I'll always feel broken, but I didn't need anyone to fix me. Because it couldn't be done.
" If six years haven't changed me, nothing will. And you think, with your holy balls, that you're going to influence my mind enough to make me insane?"
I pressed and touched his chest several times with my index finger, to increase the pressure. He remained silent as a dog.
"It's as if my life has ended!"
Something began to stir inside my chest. I assumed it was my heart, but it was something very different. The result was that small scream from before, which began to grow and grow, until it filled my throat and stained my eyes and cheeks.
"No matter what I do, *sniff*, it will all lead me to the same place, over and over again... I can be, *hic* myself, do whatever I want. Even in this state... E-even if it hurts. I can do anything. At any cost."
"You know nothing…"
"And what do you know... I don't even know what to do right now?"
I didn't pay attention to his face, but from his voice, he seemed indignant, though less so than before. I kept crying, though I tried to maintain that motivated, and in a way even cheerful, tone I'd had before. Cheerful, that is.
"…If I stay put, I'll be doing what you say, and I'm sure they'd love that. If I go to class, I'll be doing what they say, and I'm sure he'd be relieved. Whatever I do… I'll always be… doing what someone says…"
Was everything I had done up to now a false freedom? Who determined me to act the way I did in each of the situations I was in? My voice was free, but my eyes were still wet.
"I'm not even capable of achieving anything without others intervening..."
"Is it so bad to follow someone?"
A familiar voice invaded the place, its timbre both relaxing and suffocating, echoing in my ear.
" If I have to follow someone, I prefer to follow people who trust me."
"Is it so bad to trust someone? "
"…"
Gently, gently. I had forgotten that amidst all this. I paused, before clearly stating what I truly thought.
"If I have to be with someone, I prefer to be with her."
"Is it so bad to be with someone?"
But everything would be the same once she opened her eyes. She wouldn't have any energy; the emptiness would still be there. Nothing would change; everything was the same.
"Can I allow it? Can I really allow it?"
"You could have from the moment you left her house."
I wiped my eyes with my hands, trying to dry my face. It wasn't completely dry; the taste of my tears still lingered in my throat. I sighed deeply, until I was satisfied.
Until I calmed down.
"I want them to be my friends."