No one could have expected me to stay home on Thursday. It was almost as predictable as half the romance anime out there. I wanted to erase from my mind the memory of watching the first episode of so many generic anime.
I still had the same problem with the ones I ended up liking, and I always got depressed when I finished imagining.
In other news, I'm pretty sure I've lost my breakfast habit. I'm still struggling to keep brushing my teeth, but it's proving difficult. Since I have no incentive to eat breakfast, I now have to force myself to brush my teeth right away, and it's not like when I had to go to class, when I always had a little free time; now I have all the time in the world to put it off.
Apparently, not making the bed isn't enough for me; now I want to stop doing everything.
At least thinking about midterms is keeping me somewhat occupied. That's the only reason I don't regret talking to Izumi, since little else came of it. Of course, I haven't messaged her since.
Getting back to the exams, I haven't prepared anything since I met with Otsuki, neither the syllabus she gave me, nor what I already saw in class at the time, however little it was.
That changes today, though, because I've decided to do something this morning. Of course, I'm not going to class, but I prefer to leave that for when I'm ready. If it were just for my studies, I'd go gladly.
Before doing my homework, I decided to take a shower. It's not that I need to be clean to do it, but for a completely different reason. Besides wanting to be clean, it feels good.
There's a chance Otsuki will come today to tell me the syllabus and the homework they've done this week. I doubt she'll come on Sunday, so the only options would be either today or Saturday. Of course, she could also not come and slam the door in my face, but I hope that's not the case.
My shower schedule has also become a bit irregular. I still shower daily, yes, but sometimes I do it in the morning, other times in the afternoon, or even at night. I'm showering now just in case, but normally I shower in the afternoon.
Most of the time, it's comforting. I always put on music when I shower, and feeling the warmth of the water run over my body, noticing how softer my skin feels after washing it with soap, and how my hair stops feeling weird once I've lathered it with soap…
After finishing my shower, I went down to the living room, and on the table in front of the television, after taking out a cushion to sit on, I put all my school supplies on top of it.
Unlike when I was with her, now everything I saw in the math notebook made sense. At least, what I had learned. I didn't want to get ahead of myself, either.
For now, I was going to focus on making sure I know how to do all the practice exercises in math, science, and Japanese. I was going to leave Japanese for last, since it's my weakest subject.
Immersed in the book, time flew by as I worked through all the operations and problems I decided to tackle. I lost that focus when I reached the last subject. And it made me so angry that I decided to quit.
"Ugh…"
Not only was I bad at it, but my handwriting was also pretty awful. And that's putting it mildly. I was so embarrassed for anyone to see it, since I was the only one in my whole class with bad handwriting, and I'm grateful that Otsuki ignored it.
Speaking of the king of Rome...
Ding dong!
This time, I didn't guess wrong who it was.
"Hello good."
"Hi. I thought you were going to send me the homework by message." I was a little surprised that she had actually come again, but another part of me was relieved that it was true.
Did I want to see her? I wasn't sure. At the very least, I felt more comfortable in her presence now than before, even though I felt more guilty.
"I want to make sure you understand everything. If I sent it to you by text, you probably wouldn't even pay attention. Besides, it's depressing when the first message someone sends you is about homework."
Just like last time, Otsuki arrived with her school bag, looking rather relaxed. I sighed, unable to believe how insistent she can be about things that aren't her business.
"Well then. Make yourself at home."
I was wrong to think she was sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. Whether she admits it or not, she's my friend, until I reject her, which I haven't done yet, nor do I intend to.
It's a selfish stance. I can treat her perfectly well as a friend, but then, when I think about her, she's either an "Otsuki" or an "acquaintance," not a friend.
In the classroom, and in the same way as last time, she briefly specified everything they had seen in class that week, explaining in a slightly more concise way how little they had expanded in the practice of some subjects.
I'm sure at least half of what she told me went in one ear and out the other. More than her words, I was focused on her voice, the small gestures she made with her hands to clarify her speech, the expression she showed me throughout… especially her annoyance when she realized I was mesmerized.
"I'm going to leave if you don't keep listening to me."
The few threats he made, delivered in a rather weary tone, couldn't have been more empty. Yes, I didn't listen to them at all, and then I didn't pay much attention to him either, but he never kept his word.
I felt bad for being a bother, but I couldn't concentrate at that moment. It was as if I was aware that Otsuki, and not someone else, was doing me this favor.
"Look, I think you understand it well enough, I give up. I don't know how long I'll be satisfied with you doing half the exercises correctly, but you'll practice throughout the week. And do it, seriously, because then you get to the week before the midterms and you haven't done anything."
Speaking as if she'd known me for years, she ended her 'private lesson' just under an hour later. And it genuinely felt like a lesson; we didn't talk about anything other than school subjects. Everything that had happened up to that point didn't matter at all.
Although it was unfair to say "we talked," she was the one who kept explaining and explaining. She had to stop for a moment to drink some water.
We both started to gather our things, although she stopped for a moment, letting out an "ah", having remembered something.
"Natsuki told me to pass you a message."
"For?"
"Putting pressure on you."
What better way to improve than to push yourself to do things? As silly as it sounds, it's not such a bad idea. It's still a bit of a bad idea, though.
"I'm not saying it word for word because, frankly, he's just lost it, reigniting the anger he felt last week, but, in short, he wants you to come to class right now."
"Why would I want to be beaten up by someone I don't even know? No thanks." I'm not in the mood to talk.
"Hina still wants to talk to you, anyway, and she doesn't want to beat you up... I think."
"I don't know what they're trying to do, whether it's to motivate me to stay home or to turn me into a masochist."
Letting my thoughts run free more than I'd like, I bring my hand to my mouth. I can't be so careless around Otsuki, especially when talking about people I don't know. I don't want to upset her too.
"If I were you, I'd go for the second option. Who knows how long Natsuki will be all over you. She won't come looking for you, but if she sees you..."
It still surprises me that the Natsuki Otsuki is talking about is the same Tsukiyomi who regularly reads so peacefully, almost shyly, in the library. Perhaps I imagined a flawed personality simply because of that stereotype. Who knows what other types of girls read in libraries.
"And honestly, I want you to go back to class too."
"And where did that come from? Are you going to beat me up too?" I didn't even phrase it as a question; I'd already assumed the worst by process of elimination. Three girls, beating up a guy. And to think there are people who would envy me.
Wow! All the girls are throwing themselves at you! You have an amazing way with women!
All that's left is for me to marry a girl and for her to hit me with a belt. Or well, with a slipper, in that case.
"People in my class keep bothering me about what happened when you came. You know I've already spoken to you, and they're all asking me what happened, at least one person a day. I haven't told them anything other than that we've made peace, and I'd like you to make that clear."
"I'm sorry…"
Not expecting such a passive reaction, Otsuki showed a hint of remorse, thinking that he had let his tongue run away with him.
"No, you don't have to apologize. It's just the way things are. I could tell you a couple more things, but if you don't want to—"
"Yes I want."
I was practically begging her to tell me something, anything. I did it out of insecurity, to know what people really thought of me, even though I already had an idea. Deep down, I hoped people had forgiven me, so I could go to class feeling more at ease.
Otsuki nodded.
"In class, at least the girls still care a little about all that. Those who have let it go, perhaps it's because they got tired of waiting, or because they felt sorry for you because… you know."
Avoiding naming the event out of tact seemed irrelevant to me, since what mattered was the meaning, what it led me to.
This past week I've managed to put it aside, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten it. I still see it, even if only out of the corner of my eye. It's always red that stands out the most. Red. Red. I'm getting more and more disgusted by the color red.
I also began to feel a certain aversion to anything else that reminded me of that moment. I didn't remember it from my own experience, but from the video, as if I were just another person in the whole school who had seen it.
It's something dissociative. I don't feel entirely connected to the person I remember, but seeing them, imagining them, causes me extreme anxiety. I stop thinking about it when I see myself falling straight into a pit I don't want to enter right now, especially with Otsuki's growing expression of regret.
"The guys have let it go after saying it was all crazy for the twenty-fourth time. I'm not really sure if they'll react or anything if they see you, more the guys than the girls, but what I mean is, it's not as bad as it seems."
Otsuki was able to finish her report, relieved to see my somewhat reasonable reaction. At least on the outside.
"I'll manage."
The way I made winning the class back seem like a daily chore killed the conversation instantly. Again, it was more like Otsuki talking than a conversation.
We haven't had any real conversations, where we talk about everyday things or our interests. I have no idea what Otuski likes. To me, he seems like someone who might like… sports? I'm not sure…
Getting back to the point, since there was nothing more to say, Otsuki finished packing her things, I walked her to the exit, and that's where we said goodbye. No promises of 'Come to class on Monday!', just a brief goodbye, as is normal. Normal.