I smiled. For the first time in my entire life, I smiled from sheer instinct.
Failure... What a truly wondrous feeling.
The optimal path was laid out perfectly before me. Everything simply required following the steps. My execution was flawless, without a single miscalculation, and the situation developed exactly as I predicted...
You involuntarily invest time and effort into this process. You subconsciously attach opinions and expectations to the final result.
And then... the outcome is wrong.
All the time and effort you poured in go straight down the drain in an instant. You might have to start from scratch, or you might permanently lose the chance to try again.
And time... time is one of the very few things Xu Xi could never get back.
Loss made her feel that she was genuinely, tangibly alive. Even if she had only wasted a tiny fraction of time, it was enough.
Seeing the big picture from a single detail—that is also the talent of a genius.
I stood by the river, the water splashing my shoes. I wanted to take them off and dip my feet in.
For the very first time, I began to imagine.
I wanted to know how deep the water was, how fast it flowed, and if there were any fish beneath the surface.
I wanted to know where I would end up if I followed the current downriver.
Perhaps I would reach a place not found on any map. I could lie down in an empty, open field and relax in the sun.
Oh... so this is what a 'dream' is...
It is completely different from an ideal. It has no logical basis. It is a feeling born entirely from imagination.
I didn't actually want an open field, nor did I particularly want to relax in the sun. I simply wanted to be moved. I wanted the casual freedom to experience warmth and comfort whenever I wished.
So...
Did my brother feel this way too?
"Brother... do you have any dreams?"
Standing on the wide, empty beach, leaning into the sea breeze, I softly asked him this question.
But he didn't answer. He just stared silently at the sparkling ocean, watching the waves churn up white foam and shatter against the sand.
So I had to answer it for myself.
"If it were me... I'd want a tiny little flower field of my very own, filled completely with roses. I'd want to sleep right in the middle of it. Ideally, there would be a cradle... rocking back and forth...
"When that happens, I'll need a knight who saves the world... to find me deep within those flowers...
"Brother... could it be you?"
That was what I asked.
But my brother's answer was slightly different.
"Then I'll definitely save the world... but you..."
But me?
"But you... you don't need me to save you."
Is that what he wanted to say?
Did he know I didn't need saving?
I am a genius. I can do everything myself. I don't need a knight. I don't need a prince. I don't need anyone to carry me out of that field of flowers.
I could even build the flower field myself, plant the roses myself, build the cradle myself, lie down inside it myself, and hum myself to sleep...
Did my brother think... I didn't need him?
...
In my brother's world, I am a blinding star... I am the brightest moon, the scorching sun... I eclipse every single ray of light he manages to emit. My light even burns him.
Mom thinks my brother's excellence should be a given. I know my mere existence warped her understanding of a 'normal child.'
The people around us believe my brother is supposed to be exceptional. To them, his averageness has seemingly become his sin.
I do not belong to the same world as them, yet the entire world was forcefully shoving my brother toward me.
Using me as the baseline, they drafted a script for my brother based on 'what they thought' he should be. Then they coaxed him to follow it, forcing him to act out their plot.
They were dissatisfied with success and cursed any flaw. They were perfectionists, yet ironically, they craved to witness a failure more than anyone else.
Ah...
If I wasn't so blindingly bright, would my brother not have to suffer so much?
If the true genius fell from grace, then would my brother's mistakes finally have a precedent, sparing him from the hyper-critical glare of so many eyes?
It was a certainty.
Since I was the benchmark for the "genius script," as long as I gradually degraded until I was no different from a normal person...
"I won't allow it."
My brother's answer was simple and absolute.
"Since you were born brilliant, then you should shine as brightly as you possibly can."
I failed...
I truly failed at the one moment I absolutely shouldn't have...
I'm slightly...
...slightly unwilling to accept it.
...
In truth... my brother was the one who didn't need me.
I needed him. I needed that river flowing to parts unknown. I needed it to keep flowing, turning the waterwheel of my life, watering the flower field of my dreams.
I needed a knight to save the world, and I needed someone to find the girl hidden deep within the sea of flowers...
To find the real me!
Anyone can manage a formulaic smile. Anyone can win gold medals and grand prizes. Anyone can play the part of a genius!
But none of those things are me—
If I wasn't a genius, if I was just a child sleeping in the flowers, would anyone in this world still love me? Would anyone still be able to find me?
Would anyone even come looking for me?
Brother, you would come, wouldn't you?
You would, right?
So why did you say—"But you..."?
...
Please, don't leave me.
Please, don't hate me.
Don't hate me.
Don't hate me—
Please...
Don't leave me all alone...
...
I...
I have a dream... It's absurd and completely unreasonable...
I don't know how to describe it. It's as beautiful as the flower you see right before waking up from a dream. It's like the bright moon from my childhood that could illuminate an entire country road. It's like a dream that only ever exists in the fleeting moment of its conception.
I want someone to remember me.
I want the 'me' in his memories to have no labels whatsoever. I want the person who remembers me to be completely unable to find a single adjective to describe me.
I want to leave an empty void in his life. I want this blank space to be something he can never fill, no matter how long he lives.
I want...
...to be remembered solely for who I am.
I am not a genius, and I am not your little sister.
I am Xu Xi.
Just Xu Xi.
...
"Brother... I have a question."
I need to leave him with a question...
"What is it...?"
This question will haunt him for the rest of his life. I am certain of it.
"If we spend our entire lives, yet never manage to see the world we yearned for..."
His future will be trapped inside this question. It will torment him, and every ounce of pain from that torment will force him to see the world exactly as I saw it.
"...Then why do we exist at all?"
I will remain in his life forever.
As a 'feeling.'
...
"I refuse to let another person flee from Shu's life."
Kiana lowered her head, her fists clenched tight. She was speaking directly to the very first person who had fled from Shu's life.
"I won't let his life remain so empty."
Xu Xi looked at Kiana. She lowered her eyes.
"But you have no choice left."