Twenty is the beginnings of infancy. At this age, an age gap of three years, is the most significant things about him. I am twenty-three. People swear that I look too young for my age. All the time. I take this to mean that I am child-like, almost. My body is small. And in this event, I am often mistaken for at least three years younger than I am. I don't know what to make of this...
Five months away from twenty-four, how are there still people younger than I am, on earth? This question doesn't come from a self-centered place. But rather from a true lack of understanding, to say, at this point, I am even questioning the eternal orbit of the Earth around the sun. How is it that we are still turning? There are men pursuing me who aren't even old enough to drink. Not even seventeen. Is this conquest, or some sick joke?
As it stands, I have grown comfortable with the idea that I am the youngest generation. To now be considered in the light of an older sister, an aunt...
Age. Is it truly arbitrary? Does it not matter that I am the oldest in the room. At this age, am I allowed to scowl when the boy in the group of students I'm taking to pulls away, saying something about taking a call from his mother? His mother? How young is he? Exactly? He says something about making it home before five. A curfew? He still has a curfew... I try to remember the last time I called my parents. Or the last time we were all in the same room. I'm at a uni party organized by a kid younger than my younger brother by two years. Am I the one teetering on the edge of insanity? Should I be returned to the four white corners of my enclosure?
Have you ever had a crush... on someone in a year above you? Hyungwon swivels around to face me, the wheels of his chair squeaking sharply on the linoleum. He carries himself with the nonchalance of youth. Is this his way of making a mockery of me? He must never have considered an experience in which he could be younger than someone else. God, do I envy him? Should I just attack?
In these moments, I fanaticize about dying. He is young enough to have this be his first crush. Young enough to flush upon the idea of romance, conquest. Red and reaching for something. Or perhaps someone.
I should stop tormenting myself. These thoughts aren't productive. I didn't start dating until I was nineteen either. At that age, I felt that I was perfect. Not too young, and not too old, either. This isn't his timelines, but he shouldn't be too concerned about these things. Wanting someone older than you... Until I turned twenty-three, I was always the youngest in the room, too.
I haven't, I told him, honestly. But an age gap shouldn't be an issue; you're an adult.