"So, let me get this straight," Kakashi said slowly. "You had unprotected sex with Naruto, and now you want me to go to the pharmacy in your place to buy emergency contraceptives... is that right?"
Sakura nodded tearfully, and Kakashi sighed. After expending most of his chakra to force out the Kamui, he'd been assigned bed rest for a week to replenish his stamina reserves, only for his foolish disciple/boss to show up crying on his doorstep.
"I can write you the prescription for your girlfriend," Sakura said hopefully. "Ah, but you don't have one, right?" she added. "That's okay, we can make one up… we can call her Migi and say she's a refugee from the north…"
Kakashi's brow twitched. Sakura really couldn't help being snarky with him, could she?
"Is that really how you ask your beloved sensei for a favour?" Kakashi said wearily. "My right hand is not my girlfriend, I'll have you know."
He then took a deep breath.
"No," he said. "I won't do that for you."
A look of genuine shock and surprise appeared on Sakura's beautiful features.
"Whatever happened to In the Ninja World, those who break the rules are scum, that's true...but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum!?" she said in disbelief. "You're really abandoning me, Kakashi-sensei? You're the only one I can trust! I can't go to the ANBU Black Ops with a mission to steal contraceptives, one of them's bound to rat me out to Danzō!"
Kakashi shook his head.
"It's not about that, it's a matter of principles," he said. "You are the Hidden Leaf's Sixth Hokage. The fate of the village rests upon your shoulders, and your ability to take accountability for your actions. As your sensei, I would be doing you a disservice by doing this, so no, I'm not going to help you run away from your responsibilities."
"But we're at war!" Sakura said, aghast. "How am I supposed to fight if I grow as round as a balloon?"
Kakashi shrugged. If she was so concerned about her ability to fight effectively, then she should have thought twice before having unprotected sex.
"You can always get your mother to accompany you to the pharmacy," he said.
Even though Sakura was the Hokage, that did not mean she could simply break the rules of her village. If anything, she was supposed to set an example. What would the young kunoichi think if they learned about all this? There would be a complete collapse of morality!
"A system designed to shame teenage girls for following their natural urges is wrong," Sakura said in a huff. "Besides, it's not fair. Boys don't have to deal with this sort of thing."
How embarrassing would it be for the Sixth Hokage to do the walk of shame with her mother all the way to the pharmacy, and shamefacedly ask the clerk to unlock the cabinet containing the morning-after pills...?
"Speaking of boys, Naruto," Kakashi said as an afterthought. "You did say he was the father, yes? Not Sasuke?"
"Yes, but isn't it a bit early to be talking about that sort of thing?" Sakura said testily. "I still don't know if I'm pregnant… and speaking of which, would you mind getting me a pregnancy test kit as well? Oh, but the test wouldn't be able to detect it this early, hmm…"
Kakashi looked at her sternly.
"You know all Naruto's ever wanted is a family he can call his own, right?" he said. "Have you spoken to him about this at all? Have you explained the situation to him? He is a bit slow, so you had better make sure he understands what he's done to you, in case he doesn't know his birds from his bees…"
Kakashi had a sneaking suspicion Sakura was doing all this behind Naruto's back.
"So, this is what this is really about, huh?" Sakura said in an accusatory tone. "I should have known with the whole Will of Fire thing… you're pro-life!"
Well, fine then! She didn't need his help, anyway! She'd just get what she needed from the prostitutes in Shukuba Town! Nobody would be able to see through her disguises there! Or maybe she'd ask the Manyū clan for contraceptives, they were experts on women's health!
"Just remember, Naruto's only just regained his father, but now, Minato-sensei is missing in action," Kakashi said. "It would break him if he learned he'd lost his children as well."
And so, Sakura turned on her heel and angrily marched back to the Hokage Residence to see what the hell Shikaku wanted from her while she was having her personal crisis. What was so important, anyway?
"…it's not fair," Sakura sniffled as she trudged up the stairs to her office, her breasts bobbing gently up and down as she climbed each step. "We both made a mistake, but I'm the only one stuck with the consequences…"
Lady Tsunade had warned her about this, too. Sakura felt incredibly foolish for giving in to Naruto in the heat of the moment. At the time, she had been feeling so miserable and sad and guilty, and under so much pressure that she had simply wanted a moment's escape from her responsibilities... and now she had one more to deal with.
"Ah, Milady, you're finally here," Shikaku said, as he and Jiraiya looked up from the map laid out on her desk. "We were waiting for you… you really must stop giving your guards the slip."
"My, you're looking remarkably radiant today, Sakura," Jiraiya said admiringly. "Your skin's almost glowing… did you change shampoos or skin lotions, or something?"
Sakura's expression hardened.
"Enough about my looks," she said harshly. "Report."
Shikaku looked as though he had aged a thousand years.
"It's bad, Milady," he said. "Our scouts have found several Flying Thunder God kunai scattered in a deserted area to the north-west of Ichiba town. Traces of Namikaze Minato's chakra, as well as Uchiha Obito's, were found at the scene by the two volunteers from the Hidden Star Village. This information was later verified by a Yamanaka clan sensor, though she was unable to confirm the Lord Fourth's life or death."
Shikaku took a deep breath.
"Furthermore, the Kusagakure front has collapsed," he said. "Survivors report that the First Hokage was drawn away by an immensely powerful shinobi calling himself Uchiha Madara, and in his absence, the defensive line was overwhelmed by the Stone hordes… Iwa's army, twenty-five thousand men strong, is currently marching straight for the Hidden Leaf."
In total, before the war began, the Hidden Stone had about 40 000 shinobi of varying ranks; the Hidden Leaf around 10 000, though they had not deployed any genin to combat roles; and the Hidden Cloud, Hidden Sand, and Hidden Mist also around 10 000 each, for a grand total of 80 000 men.
"Okay, that's manageable," Sakura began, but Shikaku cut her off almost immediately.
"And lastly, Suna and Kiri have finally joined the war," he said gravely. "The Land of Rivers is aflame, and our eastern ports have been blockaded…"
All that, in a single night… and the Akatsuki's 100,000-man strong White Zetsu army had barely shown itself yet. What was Madara waiting for? Didn't he want to save them all using the Infinite Tsukuyomi? At this rate, they would all kill each other, and there would be no one left to save!
"Oh," Sakura said in a small voice.
If only Orochimaru hadn't gone missing when he'd gone off to face the A-B combo, she would have been able to absorb his Ōtsutsuki bloodlines and ascend to the level of life of an Ōtsutsuki, and wipe the floor with them all!