After leaving Anna's home, I rode my motorbike fast, letting the wind slap every thought out of my head, because I didn't want anybody talking to me at that moment, didn't want questions, didn't want explanations, didn't even want my own thoughts following me around like they had been doing all day, so I just kept pushing the speed like maybe if I went fast enough I could outrun whatever was building up inside my chest, but the truth is I wasn't even sure what I was running from, I just knew I needed space, I needed silence, I needed to be alone again, but ask me what exactly pushed me there, what made me switch from calm to this restless state, and I wouldn't even have a clean answer for you, because it was everything and nothing at the same time, a look, a feeling, a moment that didn't fully make sense but still sat heavy in my mind, and by the time I reached the road that led away from her place I told myself to breathe, to calm down, to let it go, but the more I tried the more my mind kept replaying small pieces of her voice, her eyes, the way she hesitated just a little too long when she spoke, and I hated noticing those things because it meant I cared more than I wanted to admit, and I wasn't trying to care, not right now, not when life already had enough weight on my shoulders, so I just kept riding until the road felt familiar again, until the sound of the engine was the only thing I could hear clearly, and when I finally got to Granny's place and parked the bike, I sat there for a second like I was waiting for my mind to catch up with my body, like I needed permission to go inside, but then I reached into my pocket and that's when it hit me, the keys were gone, not there, not anywhere I checked twice just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind, and then I remembered, I had left them at Anna's place, which made me exhale slow because of course I did, of course my day was going to circle back to her again, like some invisible thread pulling me right where I had just tried to distance myself from, and I could've ignored it, I could've told myself I'll get them tomorrow, but something about the timing felt too intentional, too strange, like life was nudging me back there for a reason I didn't understand yet, and I started walking back to the bike again, turning the key in the ignition while my thoughts already started building scenarios in my head, not small ones either, but full pictures of how it would go when I got there, what I would say, what she would say, how I would act this time because I already made a decision in my head that I wasn't going to hold back again, not like before, not with hesitation sitting in my voice, because life is too short to keep playing small or pretending you don't feel things that are clearly there, and I kept telling myself that if I felt something I should acknowledge it, say it, deal with it like a grown man instead of walking away confused every time, because this is all we've got, just time and choices and moments we can't get back, so we might as well live it fully, live it right, live it happy if we can, and even if in my head I knew I was trying to convince myself more than anything else, because deep down I wasn't calm, I wasn't sure, I was just moving forward because staying still felt worse, and as the bike rolled back onto the road toward Anna's place again, I didn't know that I was about to walk into something I hadn't seen coming, something that would shift everything I thought I understood about that moment, but right then all I had was the road ahead of me and the feeling that whatever I was about to find, I was already too far gone to turn around now.
Every meter of that black dark road pulled me deeper into something I couldn't even name, something sitting heavy in my chest but still making my eyes shine for no reason like pain and excitement had inexplicably shared the same space inside me, the engine humming under me like a second heartbeat while streetlights passed above in slow blinking rhythm, and I swear the closer I got the more my thoughts started breaking apart and rebuilding themselves again in different versions of what I was about to walk into, none of them fully clear but all of them loud, all of them insisting I was about to find something that would either calm me down or ruin my entire night, and I didn't know which one I was secretly hoping for until I finally pulled up near her place, cutting the engine and letting the silence hit me all at once like a wave that makes you realize how loud your mind has been the whole time, then I reached for my phone and typed her message telling her I was outside and to bring my keys because I had left them somewhere in the kitchen, even though deep down I wasn't even sure why I said kitchen specifically, it just felt easier than admitting I had been distracted, and I leaned on the bike waiting, watching the shadows near her door move slightly with every passing second until it finally opened, and when it did, she stood there with that same amused expression like she already knew something I didn't, messy hair falling like it had been rushed through, swollen lips that made her look like she had been laughing too much or kissing too long, eyes a little heavy and dizzy like she had just stepped out of a dream she wasn't ready to leave, wearing shorts and a vest like she wasn't expecting the world to stop her, and I don't know why but the sight of her hit me differently than before, like I was seeing her without the filter of confusion I usually carried around, just raw and real and impossible to ignore, and for a second I forgot why I even came, then I forced myself back into reality and said softly almost under my breath "hi," and she replied "hey" still carrying that same amused tone like she was holding back laughter from something I wasn't part of, then she held out my keys and said "here you go," and I took them but my eyes didn't leave her face because something about her energy wasn't matching the situation, something was off, too warm, too satisfied, too casual, and it made my instincts tighten without me fully understanding why, so I asked her slowly, carefully, "you look amused… are you with somebody?" and the second the words left my mouth I saw it, that tiny flicker in her expression, the split-second hesitation, the way her shoulders shifted just a little like her body reacted before her voice could catch up, and she answered too quickly, "yeah… I'm alone, just watching a movie," but I could hear it, I could hear the warmth in her voice that didn't belong to solitude, I could feel the lie sitting behind her words like a shadow she didn't manage to hide properly, and right then my eyes drifted slightly past her shoulder and that's when I saw it, parked near the side, a black sports car that looked too familiar even though I couldn't fully place it at first, but something in me already knew, something in me was already connecting dots I didn't want to connect, and I didn't say anything about it, I just nodded like I believed her because I didn't want the moment to become heavier than it already felt, then I turned slightly like I was leaving and gave a small wave, and she closed the door quickly after me, almost too quickly, like she was escaping something, and as I stood there for a second longer I heard her footsteps rushing back upstairs followed by a sound that wasn't just hers, a deeper voice, a laugh that didn't belong to her alone, and my stomach tightened but I still didn't move, I just stayed close enough to the door until my phone started vibrating in my hand, and when I looked at the screen I called Elliot's number without even thinking, and the moment it rang, it rang from inside the house, loud and clear, and I heard her voice again saying "who's that? you better get quick," still laughing like everything was a joke, and then Elliot picked up from inside and said casually, too casually, "yo man, what's up, better be quick I'm in the middle of something," and for a second everything in me went completely still, like even my breathing forgot what it was doing, and all I could do was stand there staring at that door while the truth settled in slowly, heavy and undeniable, because now I knew I hadn't imagined it, I hadn't misunderstood anything, and whatever I thought I was walking into when I came here, I had just found something completely different.
I don't even remember how I got back home that night. I just remember the cold air hitting my face as I rode through the dark. The bike seemed to carry me on its own because my thoughts crowded out my focus on anything else. The whole time, all I kept hearing was Anna's voice saying she was alone while Elliot's phone rang right there inside her house. Inside her damn house. And what really messed me up wasn't even her lying to me, because me and Anna grew complicated from the jump, but Elliot? Nah. That hit differently. Me and Elliot been close since grade seven. That was my brother. We grew up together, fought together, skipped classes together. Covered for each other too many times to count. Everybody knew that if you saw Rafael, Elliot wasn't far behind. So for him to go after a girl he clearly knew I wanted? That kind of thing doesn't just irritate you. It changes how you look at a person. The whole ride home I kept trying to make excuses for him in my head like maybe it wasn't serious, maybe I misunderstood something, maybe Anna was the one pushing it, but every excuse sounded weaker than the last because deep down I already knew the truth. A man knows. Especially when another man crosses a line and acts casual about it. The crazy part is Elliot answered the phone so normally too, like he had no clue I was standing outside hearing everything. "I'm in the middle of something." Yeah. I bet he was. By the time I got to Granny's house, I was done thinking. Done feeling too. I parked the bike and just sat there in the dark for a minute, staring at nothing. Granny was asleep inside, sick as ever, and I suddenly felt stupid for letting all this drama take over my mind when real life was already beating my ass at home. Her health was getting worse every week; bills still needed to be handled; school was already slipping through my fingers, and now this? I am not gonna lie, something in me just shut down after that night. Completely. For the next few days, I barely talked to anyone from school. Didn't answer any calls. Didn't reply to messages. I stayed alone and let everybody think whatever they wanted. Some people probably thought that exams were stressing me out. Some probably thought I was busy taking care of Granny. Truth is, I just ain't feel like being around fake energy. And when we finally went back to school, I walked through them gates like a whole different person. Quiet. Distant. Straight to class and straight back home. No hanging around. No laughing with people. Keep conversations to a minimum. Even seeing Elliot from across the hallway irritated me beyond my limits. Because now every memory with him felt weird. All jokes. Every handshake. Every time he called me "bro." It all felt fake now. And Anna? I avoided her completely. Couldn't even look at her for too long without remembering the way she stood at that door with swollen lips and that little smile on her face while lying straight to mine. That image stayed stuck in my head like a curse. Of course my grades got worse too. I failed the last term badly, and honestly I wasn't even shocked. My mind wasn't in school anymore. I wanted silence. Just silence. Me, my books, revision papers, Granny, and nothing else. That's it. Because somewhere along the way I realized depending on people emotionally is dangerous. The minute you start expecting loyalty from people, that's when disappointment comes looking for you. So I stopped expecting anything from anybody. Better that way. Better to move alone. Better to focus on myself. Because at the end of the day, when everything falls apart and people start showing who they really are, the only person left carrying your pain is you. Nobody else.