Chapter 6
"I'll divorce you," I said, without changing the distance between us. She was right in front of me, and I had to lift my head to look at her, but I had no intention of backing down. I wasn't going to put up with all this nonsense.
"It's pointless," he said, bringing his lips close to mine before pulling back. He was determined, and he would never back down.
"If the lawyer who will divorce you from me has been born, let me know," he said. Besides that low, angry voice, I probably don't need to describe how erotic his lips were, the way they touched mine and then pulled back. I had to stay angry. Right now, I only had two options: either I'd jump on him or I'd beat him up. Although, I could jump on him, couldn't I?
"We had an agreement. I didn't come with you to go back," I said angrily, but without raising my voice like him. His gaze shifted between my lips and my eyes. His anger was giving way to desire. He had calmed down, but I knew he wouldn't back down. Neither would I. I wouldn't go back to this hole again.
"That agreement is over. We're going to make a new one," he said, and unlike me, who expected this intimacy to end with a kiss, he pulled away and distanced himself from me. I was momentarily taken aback by his withdrawal. It wasn't easy to shake off the effect of his closeness. I tossed my hair back, trying to subtly compose myself. It had gotten quite hot.
"I'll go to work in the morning and come home in the evening, just like everyone else, and you'll take care of our home, just like any good wife. That's the deal," he said with irritating nonchalance. I was annoyed and couldn't help but chuckle nervously.
"That's a really great deal. But I have a question," I said.
"Of course, please come in," he said.
"You know how deals are mutually beneficial? Of course, you know that better than me."
"Subject to."
"Okay, fine. What exactly do I gain from this?" I asked. Although there was a hint of sarcasm between us, I was serious about the question. It wasn't like I'd married him out of love and now I was going to accept being broke. Aslan was starting to get angry again because he leaned on his belt, looked down, and let out a deep sigh. He usually put his hands on his hips like a gossipy woman when he was angry. Of course, he looked sexy when he put his hands on his belt and threw his jacket back, that's a separate matter. What am I saying? Stay on topic, girl, stay on topic.
"You're still talking about profit. Look, I'll explain it again, listen carefully," he said. He started wagging one finger at me.
"From now on, this is our home. The people in this neighborhood are our neighbors. And I'm no longer the boss of a company; instead, I'm just a simple worker on a construction site. All the dollars you see with me now belong to Selim. So you don't have a rich husband anymore, just Aslan. And we'll stay here until you stop seeing this marriage as just about money," she said slowly and deliberately. I was completely stunned. I was having trouble comprehending what she was saying. Why was she doing this?
"What's changed?" I simply asked. I really wanted to know. Had he suddenly decided to assume the role of a family man? I couldn't believe it. He lowered the finger he'd been wagging at me.
"What?" he said.
"On the day we got married, everything was about money anyway. I wanted wealth, and you wanted me. I always saw this marriage as a matter of money. I never hid that. You came to me knowing that. It even suited you. It didn't matter then, so what's changed now?" I said. The moment I saw Aslan leaning against his car outside the cafe where I worked, I knew I would have a story with this man. When he came up to me and proposed, it was strange, but I also understood that it was because he wasn't in love with me. Knowing he had ulterior motives, I didn't hesitate to show my own. In fact, he even seemed relieved when I told him this. I don't know if it was the fact that I wasn't causing trouble or that he knew there were no feelings, but he seemed quite content. So what had happened now that suddenly my desires had become a problem for him?
"I've changed. I want a real life now. I don't want to go to a game of house every day, or sleep with a woman who feels obligated to make me happy," he said. All he thought about was getting what he wanted. He was a complete rich spoiled brat, only thinking of himself.
"You're just a spoiled rich kid," I said quietly, but then, unable to control my anger any longer, I started shouting.
"What do you think? Do you think people living in such charming neighborhoods are so happy? Like in the TV shows? Do you know what it's like to not be able to make ends meet? To hesitate when you crave a sweet treat and the price changes? To think, 'I'll buy pasta instead,' and then put it down? Do you know how it feels to work like a dog all month and give half your earnings to houses that are practically barns? To put up with people's whims and spoiled behavior for a pittance? To have to smile and be understanding when you're thinking about killing someone every day? Don't you know any of this? Did you bring me here from your father's rich house to discipline me with poverty? You're missing something, though; I already came from here. I came here to get out of here…" I couldn't talk about joy. I couldn't talk about what I left behind.
"What? Say you sold yourself to get out of here. You're always so eager to say that, aren't you? Don't hesitate, just say it again, say you bought me," he shouted back. He'd said what was on his mind because he was sure I wouldn't continue, but what he said wasn't a lie. Wasn't it true? As soon as Aslan finished his sentence, he closed the distance between us again and pulled me towards him by my arm. This had happened twice, and I couldn't imagine how it would end the third time. It was impossible not to be affected when he was so close to me. To minimize that possibility, I tried to look around.
"You're right, I don't know any of what you're saying, but I'll learn, I will learn. You'll teach me. Look at me." As I turned my head away to avoid looking at him, he moved closer, forcing me to look at him. With his warm breath on my face and him so close, as if he were about to kiss me at any moment, arguing was incredibly difficult, okay? Still, unable to resist his insistence any longer, I stopped turning my head. I wasn't looking into his eyes, but at least I was completely turned towards him.
"We'll build a family in this house. You'll make this a place where I want to come home from work every evening. You'll eagerly await my return from work every night. Not because it's your duty, but because you want to see me. We'll stay here until you want Aslan, who has no power or money," she said resolutely. She had very rosy dreams, but she was forgetting the most important factors in our real lives.
"Your mother and father would never allow it," I reminded him. That wicked mother-in-law and my father-in-law with their stern faces would never allow it. His mother would think I was the one who brought her son to this poor neighborhood and would devour me alive. Although, seeing the expression on her face turn purple when she said Aslan would divorce me and send me back where I came from might have given me pleasure, but anyway. Still, I didn't want to deal with her.
"I didn't ask for their opinions," he said. He had definitely found a way to sideline them too.
"You can't force me to do this," I said as a last resort. He sighed deeply and
"Then you should want to do it. You should want us to have a home," he said. He said it so sincerely. It was as if the words came out of his mouth not just a wish, but a prayer. Did he want it that much? But could I trust him?
"I don't trust you. This is just another game you want to play until you get bored," I said. I was having a hard time keeping my guard up. Every time I had believed and trusted him before kept flashing before my eyes, and it made me want to burst into tears.
"Give me a chance then. Let me show you that it's not like that," he said with the same insistence. I paused. I think Aslan knew all along that I didn't trust him, but he hadn't done anything to reverse that until now. Not a word, not a gesture. Nothing. I thought he was acting this way consciously because it suited him, because he didn't want me to get attached to him. Because love begins with trust. You don't realize you're in love with someone just because you laugh together or because they're romantic and make you feel like a princess. You just like those people. You want them in your life, but in that brief moment when you realize you're not afraid anymore, that you're not worried about anything, you realize your heart has chosen them. There were things I trusted Aslan about, but they weren't things related to the two of us. For example, I was sure he would never lie and that he would keep his word. So as long as our agreement continued, I didn't need to worry about anything. No matter what, I was sure Aslan would protect me because we had an agreement and he always kept his promises. Now, giving him a chance would also bring with it the possibility of getting attached to him. Then maybe to him…
"Let go, Aslan," I said, trying to break free from his arms. I didn't like the direction my thoughts were going, and I needed to get myself out of this situation as quickly as possible. Aslan tightened his grip on my arms, preventing me from moving away.
"Accept it," he simply said. I knew he wouldn't let me go without accepting, but I couldn't just trust his word and leave myself to his conscience. I didn't trust him or his feelings, but maybe I could create a way out for myself.
"Just three months." I blurted out suddenly. I had no idea why three. It just slipped out.
"Agreed," he said immediately, looking her in the eyes.
"Then, when I want to leave, you won't force me," I said. He would get bored in less than three months anyway, but at least the condition I set would always remind him that I wanted to leave and that he had a limited time. He would never break his word.
"If you still want to leave after three months, I promise I won't force you. I'll buy you the house you want, I'll make sure you live the life you want for the rest of your life, we'll get divorced, and you'll never see me again," he said. Wait a minute, what? What does divorce mean, never seeing each other again? Is that what I meant?
"Won't I see it?" I said, trying not to show my surprise.
"I told you, I don't want this anymore. It's either the truth or nothing," she said. She was really determined. Was it really that important to her?
"Okay, I accept. You won't last even a week anyway," I challenged him. I could deal with the part about us getting divorced and never seeing him again later.
"Don't be so sure, you know how determined I am to get what I want," he said with a smug smile.
I'm not affected.
I'm not affected.
"In a world where your last name and money open every door, it's easy to be that way, but here you're nobody. You have neither money nor a last name. Here, people learn not to dream by having their heads crushed," I said with the same arrogance. He looked at me with that smirk he couldn't wipe from his face.
"You know I'm not afraid, right? You know nothing about me, but that's okay, my dear wife, don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to get to know Aslan, whom you've never been able to see, thanks to my money and my last name." He said, releasing my arm and stepping back. No one knew him better than me, so I could add some fun to this game of house with a bet I was sure I'd win.
"Okay. If you don't change your mind at the end of a week, I promise I'll do something you want," I said. My words made her eyebrows rise.
"Whatever I want?"
"Whatever you like."
"You fell into my lap of your own accord, so no whining now," he said, raising one finger towards me.
"No. Okay," I said firmly. I was going to win anyway, especially if he really was going to work in construction like he said; he had no chance. Watching Aslan encounter the real world this past week was going to be a lot of fun.
"Okay, I'm really tired today, let's go to bed now," he said, extending his hand to me this time. We were going to be there for a while longer, there was nothing else to do. I took his hand and we went up the stairs and into the bedroom. It was a very simple room, and it was extremely obvious that it had been furnished by a man. In the room with white walls, there was only a double bed, a large wardrobe, a dressing mirror, and armchairs next to the bed, all of which were clearly matching.
"For now, we only have the essentials at home. I also packed a few pieces of clothing. We'll get whatever's missing out on time." Aslan said this in a slightly embarrassed tone as I examined the room, and for a moment I felt like laughing, but I held myself back so as not to make him feel bad.
"You know all this means extra expenses, right?" I said. After all, we no longer had money to spend lavishly.
"Well, you'll have to give up your favorite brands," he said with a sarcastic smile. It was certain I couldn't even go near their doors anymore. There was a completely different world here, one my husband didn't know about. And I, with the same sarcastic expression on my face...
"You'll have to get used to the poor quality of cheap goods," I said. I knew what that mocking face would be like when everything started falling apart and he began demolishing the house because paying a handyman would be a pain in his heart. For some reason, Aslan's face seemed to fall for a moment. A sad cloud seemed to pass over his eyes.
"I wasn't raised in cotton wool like you think," he said. The amused expression on my face vanished. Because if Aslan wasn't amused anymore, neither could I.
"What do you mean?" I asked curiously. I knew very little about his past. I knew that for Aslan, it was a place he wanted to leave behind. Once I understood that, I stopped asking questions about his childhood or adolescence. Of course, I was still incredibly curious, but I wanted him to tell me of his own accord. Without me asking, without me forcing him, without him feeling obligated. I wanted him to tell me because he wanted to share his burdens with me. Although, after a while, I stopped wanting that too.
Without letting go of my hand, Aslan brought it to his lips and kissed it, then stroked my hair with his other hand.
"I'll tell you later, I'm very tired," she said. I knew something bad was going on there, and I also knew that when I found out, we would be very different from where we are now. So there was no rush. There was no rush for anything that would make us sad. I gave her a warm smile.
"Okay," I said. I could see the gratitude in Aslan's eyes. That was one of the things he loved most about me. That I didn't want to touch anything that might upset him. Aslan lowered his hand from my hair, released my hand, and as he walked towards the cupboard, he said in a loud voice, as if trying to dispel the gloomy atmosphere.
"The closet is tidy, but you can rearrange it however you like. I had Ms. Çiçek get everything for me, I thought she'd understand…" She paused, looking at the closet while talking, then turned to me, holding a heart-patterned pajama set in her hand.
"Not really your style," he said. Since he usually saw me in a nightgown, heart-patterned pajamas would be a bit of a sharp contrast. Oh well, it didn't matter to me. Of course, I loved my expensive nightgowns, but that house, which was warm everywhere, wasn't the same as this one we'd struggle to heat. I couldn't go around with bare legs anymore. I think it was Aslan who really disliked these pajamas, even though he didn't show it much, but whatever. Barely suppressing the urge to laugh, I walked over to him, took the pajamas from his hand, and...
"Okay, fine, since we're changing everything anyway. I'll make a small change to my style too, so what?" I said. She definitely didn't like that at all.
"But you didn't seem to like it very much," I said. She immediately tried to correct her expression.
"No, I liked it, of course I liked it. Besides, it's better this way," she mumbled at the end of her sentence, and then pulled a pajama set from the closet. Well, every choice is a relinquishment, my dear husband. I was starting to enjoy this game a little. Maybe it won't be as bad as I thought. I could definitely have a lot of fun watching Aslan's struggles. The set Aslan had looked cheap. Although Aslan always slept shirtless. Wait a minute, why was it better this way?
"Better for what?" I asked doubtfully. Aslan put the pajama top back in the closet.
"To sleep," he said. I didn't believe him at all because I was sure there was something behind his deliberately avoiding eye contact. I didn't pry too much; I knew the truth would come out eventually. As I moved to the other side of the bed and started to undress, Aslan had already taken off his pants and put on his pajama bottoms. I loved undressing while watching him; I adored the incredibly powerful feeling he gave me, the way he looked at me as if he were about to pounce on me at any moment. So, just as he lifted the bedspread, I slowly took off my t-shirt. I always trusted my underwear. When Aslan saw my bra, his eyes lingered on my breasts, and he sighed deeply. I knew what was coming next; I wouldn't need to put on my pajamas anymore, I thought, when Aslan did something that shocked me. He got into bed and turned his back to me.
To me.
To me.
I was completely frozen in shock. What was that all about? What was with this, lounging around like a sixty-year-old grandpa? I couldn't stay silent about this anymore. I angrily grabbed the heart-patterned pajamas from the bed.
"What are you doing?" I yelled, throwing it at his head.
"Damn," he said, turning to me.
"What's going on, girl? What have I done? I'm just lying down," she said, shamelessly.
"You're sleeping," I said, laughing angrily. This was beyond my comprehension.
"I'm undressing right here in front of you, and you're just lying there with your back turned like an old man?" I said angrily. He let out a frustrated sigh, got up, and leaned his back against the headboard.
"Let's take a break from this for a while," he said.
"What should we take a break from?" I certainly wasn't planning on taking a break from what I suspected. She was looking around, avoiding eye contact. She couldn't possibly be embarrassed.
"Our sex life," he said all at once. He seemed relieved to have said it. I stared in astonishment at the man whose only goal had once been to sleep with me. He wanted to remove the only real connection we had from our lives. I was definitely in the middle of a game that I wouldn't like the ending of.
"There's someone else in your life, right?"
"What?" she said, turning to me, giving me a look that said "don't be ridiculous," but no, I was absolutely certain.
"No, you definitely have someone in your life. That's why you brought me here. So I'll give up and leave."
"Let's go back to the beginning. Patience, Lord," he said, raising his voice slightly.
"Don't bring God into this, you'll be struck down. All this 'I want something real' talk, renting a house, all this mystery. And now she doesn't want me—…" Before I could finish, I found myself in bed under Aslan. With eyes blazing with anger, he pressed himself even closer to me.
"Don't you ever, ever try to tell me I don't want you again," he said. I already felt very clearly that he wanted me, but I wasn't going to back down. I shook my head, trying to push back the hair that was sticking to my face from being tossed around.
"If you wanted to, you wouldn't just lie there doing nothing," I said. He let out a frustrated sigh and carefully pulled the hair I was clumsily trying to push back from my face. That's exactly why I couldn't stay angry.
"I want you, Selin, but not like this. Not just about the bedroom. I want you in my life, and nothing else can overshadow that until your beautiful mind believes that I only want you," he said. A part of me—a large part of me—still didn't believe him, but he looked at me with such determination that I couldn't resist the small glimmer of hope beginning to sprout within me. Could fear and intense desire simultaneously consume a person?
I didn't want him to see me hesitating, so I did what I knew best and put on a mask. I masked my true feelings with a flirtatious look and spread my legs slightly, allowing Aslan to settle comfortably on top of me. With the hardness I felt, I was definitely on the right track.
"So you believe you'll be sleeping here with me every night, like brothers, my dear husband?" I said. Aslan's gaze darted between my eyes and my lips, and I was sure all his plans were about to crumble. With a surge of strength, I pulled my arm free and began stroking his biceps with feather-light touches.
"Won't you ever miss what you did to me, what I did to you?" I whispered. Aslan's gaze found my finger stroking his arm, then returned to me with a mocking grin. As he leaned closer to my lips, I was almost certain I'd won.
"You just said God would punish me, didn't you? Don't worry, He already punished me with you," he said. Just as I closed my eyes, expecting him to kiss me, the weight on me suddenly lifted.
"But this time you have no chance, my dear wife," he said, throwing himself to the side. I was literally left standing there. I was trying to fool him, but he fooled me again. Bastard. If he wanted to play games, I would show him.
"Oh, fine. I'm more than happy about that," I said angrily. Aslan had already turned his back to me and was lying down.
"Great, everyone's happy," she said cheekily, and snatched the pajamas I'd thrown at her and threw them back at me. Just a heads up, I could end up being a husband killer in the end! I got up and put on my pajamas.
"As if you could endure it for long," I kept muttering.
"We'll see," he said. I was still angry, and that's why my movements were rough and aggressive. I pulled the blanket a little harder and got into bed and
"We'll see," I said stubbornly. Aslan pulled the yoga mat back over himself because I had pulled it so hard, and he switched off the lamp that was burning on the side.
"Good night, my wife," he said. No, this calmness wasn't good for his health at all, because I could have lunged at him at any moment.
"Good night, my husband," I said sarcastically. This intimacy thing wasn't going well at all. I was almost in tears from frustration, and it wasn't just because I was so horny. The only place Aslan and I were together was in bed. It was the only place we could spend time without thinking, without worrying about whether there was a plan involved. Although I didn't want to show it, I was afraid. I was terrified of losing the only place we could connect. Because we weren't good at anything else besides sex, and if we lost that, I didn't know what else we would have left. Not knowing what would happen in the end, not being able to guess Aslan's thoughts, and now this fear was engulfing me completely. I felt tiny. Like a mouse a cat plays with before hunting. When it got bored, it would devour me in one gulp, but I couldn't resist or escape its claws. I waited helplessly. I was a little mouse who knew there was no good ending in a lion's claws, but still couldn't resist that faint voice inside.
Despite the storm of fear raging inside me, I was about to close my eyes and try to sleep when suddenly I was pulled back into Aslan's arms. My back was pressed against his chest, and I was tightly embraced by his arms. Before I even had a chance to open my mouth...
"Don't say a word," he said. Normally, the moment he said that, the nasty woman inside me would burst out, but in Aslan's arms, I realized the storm raging inside me was beginning to subside, and I decided to savor the moment. In his warm embrace, with a breath gently stroking my hair, I closed my eyes and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.