CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN: THE WEIGHT OF SILENCE
The following days passed strangely.
Nothing dramatic happened.
That was what made everything worse.
There was no huge argument between Samuel and me. No accusation. No betrayal. No moment that could explain why my heart felt increasingly unsettled.
Instead, there were little things.
Tiny changes.
Things that probably meant nothing on their own but, when put together, began to feel like a pattern.
Samuel no longer waited for me after every lesson.
Sometimes, he walked ahead with his classmates.
Sometimes, I reached our seat before him and waited.
Sometimes, he was already there, but his attention was buried in his books.
He still smiled at me.
He still asked whether I had eaten.
He still helped me when I struggled with a difficult question.
He still said goodnight.
But something had changed.
And I could feel it.
On Wednesday morning, I arrived in class earlier than usual.
Samuel was not there.
I placed my books on the desk and sat down.
A few minutes later, Daniel entered with Gift.
They were talking about the assessment.
Gift noticed me.
"Morning."
"Morning."
Daniel smiled.
"Ready for the assessment?"
"As ready as I can be."
"That means you're not ready."
I laughed.
"Exactly."
Gift sat down at her seat beside him.
Daniel looked towards me.
"You've been quiet lately."
I shrugged.
"I've been studying."
He nodded.
"Fair enough."
He did not ask anything else.
I appreciated that.
Daniel had always been like that.
He noticed things without forcing me to explain them.
A few minutes later, Samuel walked into the classroom.
His eyes met mine.
He smiled.
"Morning."
"Morning."
He sat beside me.
"Did you sleep?"
"Yes."
"Good."
I looked at him.
"You?"
"Not really."
"Again?"
He shrugged.
"I'm fine."
I wanted to tell him that he kept saying that.
Instead, I opened my book.
During Mathematics, our teacher gave us a difficult exercise.
Everyone became quiet.
Samuel leaned towards me.
"Do you know this one?"
I looked at the question.
"Part of it."
"Show me."
I explained my method.
He followed carefully.
"That makes sense."
I smiled.
"See?"
"Don't celebrate yet."
"I am allowed to celebrate."
He laughed softly.
For the first time in days, the old feeling returned.
The comfortable feeling.
The one that made me forget everything else.
I looked at him.
He was smiling.
And I wondered whether I had imagined all the distance.
Maybe I was overthinking.
Maybe every relationship had quiet periods.
Maybe nothing was actually wrong.
Then our teacher called his name.
"Samuel!"
He immediately straightened.
"Yes, sir?"
"Come and solve number four."
He stood.
As he walked towards the board, I smiled.
Maybe everything would be fine.
By afternoon, my optimism had disappeared.
We had a group assignment.
Our teacher divided the class into groups.
I was placed with Victoria, Morayo and Daniel.
Samuel was placed with three other students.
I did not mind.
It was only an assignment.
We gathered around our desks and began discussing the topic.
Daniel was unusually serious.
"This point is important," he said.
Victoria shook her head.
"No. That one doesn't support the argument."
Morayo laughed.
"You two will argue until the bell rings."
I smiled.
Daniel looked at me.
"What do you think?"
I explained my opinion.
He nodded.
"That makes sense."
We continued working.
Across the classroom, I noticed Samuel looking in our direction.
His expression was unreadable.
I wondered if he was watching us.
Then he looked away.
I tried not to think about it.
After the lesson, Samuel approached me.
"You seemed to be enjoying yourself."
I looked at him.
"With the assignment?"
"Yes."
I frowned.
"What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing."
"Samuel."
He sighed.
"Forget it."
"No. Tell me."
He looked towards Daniel, who was packing his books with Gift.
"Do you spend a lot of time with him?"
I stared at Samuel.
"Daniel?"
"Yes."
"He's my friend."
"I know."
"Then why are you asking?"
"I'm not asking anything."
"You just did."
He looked frustrated.
"I said forget it."
I lowered my voice.
"Are you jealous?"
He immediately looked at me.
"No."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know."
I was stunned.
Samuel shook his head.
"I just…"
He stopped.
"Just what?"
He sighed.
"You've been spending a lot of time with him."
I stared at him.
"He's my friend, Samuel."
"I know."
"And you've known that."
"I know."
"Then why are we having this conversation?"
"I don't know."
I felt my frustration rising.
"You're allowed to have friends. Why can't I?"
"I never said you couldn't."
"Then what are you saying?"
He did not answer.
I looked at him for several seconds.
Then I walked away.
I regretted it almost immediately.
Not because I thought I was wrong.
But because I hated arguing with him.
Victoria caught up with me.
"Floral."
I stopped.
"What?"
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
She gave me a look.
"Again?"
I sighed.
"He was asking about Daniel."
Victoria raised her eyebrows.
"Samuel was jealous?"
"I don't know."
Morayo joined us.
"What happened?"
Victoria explained.
Morayo nodded slowly.
"That sounds like jealousy."
I groaned.
"I don't want this."
"Why?"
"Because he can have friends without me questioning him."
Victoria looked at me.
"Exactly."
I shook my head.
"But now he is questioning me."
Morayo shrugged.
"Maybe he's scared."
"Of what?"
"Losing you."
I looked away.
That possibility made me uncomfortable.
Because I was scared of losing him too.
That evening, Samuel found me outside the classroom.
"Can we talk?"
I nodded.
We stood near the corridor where students were passing by.
"I shouldn't have asked about Daniel like that," he said.
I looked at him.
"No, you shouldn't have."
He nodded.
"I was wrong."
I appreciated that he admitted it.
"I don't have anything against Daniel."
"I know."
"I just…"
He paused.
"I've been feeling like I'm losing you."
My heart softened.
"Samuel…"
"I know it sounds stupid."
"It doesn't."
He looked down.
"I don't want us to become strangers."
I shook my head.
"We won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because we're together."
He smiled sadly.
"That doesn't always mean people stay together."
I stared at him.
His words frightened me.
"What are you trying to say?"
"Nothing."
"Samuel."
He looked at me.
"I don't know."
I felt my chest tighten.
"You don't know what?"
"I don't know what the future looks like."
I swallowed.
"But we're not talking about the future."
"I know."
"Then why are you making it sound like we're already ending?"
He looked away.
"I'm not."
I nodded slowly.
"Okay."
But the word did not sound convincing.
That night, the hostel was unusually loud.
The girls were preparing for the next day's classes.
Someone had started singing.
Another girl was complaining about the noise.
Gift sat on her lower bunk while I folded my clothes.
After several minutes, she asked, "Are you okay?"
"Not really."
She nodded.
"Samuel?"
I nodded.
"What happened?"
"He said he feels like he's losing me."
Gift was quiet.
"And?"
"I told him he wasn't."
"What did he say?"
"He said he doesn't know what the future looks like."
Gift frowned.
"That sounds serious."
"I know."
"But he didn't say he wanted to break up."
"No."
"Then don't break up with him in your head before anything has happened."
I looked at her.
That was exactly what I had been doing.
Imagining endings before the story had reached them.
"I just feel scared."
Gift nodded.
"That's normal."
I sat beside her.
"I don't want to lose him."
She looked at me.
"Then don't stop communicating."
I smiled faintly.
"I'll try."
The next day, Samuel was different again.
He was affectionate during the morning.
He asked whether I had slept.
He helped me carry some books.
He even teased me about my handwriting.
For a while, I felt relieved.
But by afternoon, he had become quiet again.
It was as though his emotions changed without warning.
Warm one moment.
Distant the next.
And I was beginning to exhaust myself trying to understand which version of him I would meet each day.
During prep, I finally asked him.
"Can I ask you something?"
He looked at me.
"Sure."
"Do you still want this?"
His pen stopped moving.
He looked at me.
"What?"
"Us."
Silence.
I immediately regretted asking.
Samuel looked down at his book.
"Of course I do."
"Then why does it feel like you don't?"
He rubbed his forehead.
"Floral, I don't know how to explain this."
"Try."
He looked at me.
"I care about you."
"That isn't what I asked."
"I know."
"Then answer me."
He was quiet.
Finally, he said, "I don't know what I want right now."
My heart dropped.
I stared at him.
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to be with me?"
He looked at me.
"Yes."
"Then what don't you know?"
He looked away.
"I don't know how to balance everything."
I swallowed.
"So this isn't about me?"
"No."
"It's school?"
"School. Home. My future. Everything."
I nodded slowly.
"Okay."
He reached for my hand.
I let him take it.
But this time, I did not feel relieved.
Because his answer had given me comfort and fear at the same time.
He still wanted me.
But he was no longer certain about anything else.
And I was beginning to understand that sometimes, uncertainty could hurt just as much as rejection.
That night, I lay awake long after the hostel became quiet.
The mosquito net hung above me.
The room was dark.
Gift was already asleep.
I stared into the darkness.
I thought about Samuel.
About the way he smiled at me.
The way he held my hand.
The way he apologised when he hurt me.
The way he sometimes looked at me as though I was the only person in the room.
Then I remembered his words.
"I don't know what I want right now."
I turned onto my side.