CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT: THE THINGS THAT MATTERED
There are some moments in life that seem insignificant when they happen.
You barely remember them.
A sentence.
A look.
A missed conversation.
A promise that was never kept.
At the time, you tell yourself it does not matter.
Then, months later, you remember it clearly.
You remember exactly where you were standing.
Exactly what the person said.
Exactly how you felt.
I did not know it then, but the days ahead would be filled with moments like that.
Small moments that would eventually become bigger than they seemed.
For now, though, Samuel and I were still together.
And I still loved him.
That was what made everything so confusing.
If I had stopped loving him, perhaps the distance would have been easier to understand.
But I hadn't.
Not even close.
One Monday morning, I arrived in class and found Samuel sitting quietly at our desk.
He was staring at his notebook.
"Good morning."
He looked up.
"Morning."
I sat beside him.
"You look tired."
"I am."
"Did you sleep?"
"A little."
I frowned.
"Again?"
He smiled faintly.
"You sound like my mother."
I laughed.
"Maybe somebody has to take care of you."
He looked at me.
For a second, his expression softened.
"I know."
That simple response warmed me.
I placed my hand over his for a brief moment beneath the desk.
He squeezed it.
Then we separated our hands before anyone noticed.
It was such a tiny thing.
But I held on to that moment for the rest of the morning.
Maybe we were going to be okay.
Maybe all we needed was patience.
Our first lesson was Physics.
The teacher gave us several questions to solve.
Samuel and I worked together.
For the first time in a while, it felt natural again.
He explained one of the questions to me.
I deliberately gave him the wrong answer.
He stared at me.
"Floral."
"What?"
"You know that's wrong."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"How sure?"
"Very."
I smiled.
"Then prove it."
He laughed.
"You enjoy stressing me."
"Maybe."
He shook his head.
"Stubborn girl."
I smiled.
For those few minutes, I forgot about everything.
I forgot about Abigail.
I forgot about the strange silence.
I forgot about all the questions I had been asking myself.
I simply enjoyed being beside him.
After the lesson, however, Samuel became quiet again.
I looked at him.
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
I smiled.
"You and that word."
He laughed.
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth."
He looked at me.
"I am telling you the truth."
I nodded.
"Okay."
I did not want to spoil the good moment.
At break, Victoria and Morayo came to our desk.
Morayo looked at Samuel.
"Are you coming to the canteen?"
He shook his head.
"No."
She looked at me.
"You?"
"I'll stay."
Morayo nodded.
"Okay."
They left.
Samuel turned towards me.
"Why are you staying?"
"I thought you were staying."
He looked surprised.
"I didn't ask you to stay."
"I know."
He smiled.
"You don't have to follow me everywhere."
I frowned.
"I wasn't."
He laughed.
"I was joking."
I smiled.
"Very funny."
He looked at me.
"You know I love you, right?"
The words caught me off guard.
I stared at him.
He seemed almost embarrassed by what he had said.
"I know."
He smiled.
"Good."
I looked down at my books.
"I love you too."
He smiled again.
For a while, we simply sat there.
Then he said something I did not expect.
"Sometimes I wish we could just forget school."
I looked at him.
"Why?"
"Because everything here becomes everybody's business."
I nodded.
"That is true."
"I don't like people watching us."
"Neither do I."
He sighed.
"I just want things to be simple."
I looked at him.
"They were simple before."
"Were they?"
"Yes."
He smiled.
"Maybe."
I did not understand what he meant.
Before I could ask, he changed the subject.
That afternoon, something happened that I would later realise was important.
Our class teacher announced that we would have a major assessment the following week.
The entire class groaned.
"We have barely recovered from the last test!"
Someone shouted from the back.
The teacher smiled.
"That is why it is called an assessment."
Everybody complained again.
Samuel became quiet.
I looked at him.
"Don't worry."
"I am not worried."
"You look worried."
"I just have a lot to study."
"We can study together."
He looked at me.
"Maybe."
"Why maybe?"
"I don't know my schedule."
I nodded.
"Okay."
That was the first time I felt disappointed.
Not because he had refused.
Because I had expected him to say yes immediately.
We had always studied together.
At least, before.
I pushed the thought away.
People's routines changed.
That did not necessarily mean their feelings did.
Later that evening, I saw Samuel talking to Abigail again.
This time, I did not stop.
I kept walking.
I refused to let myself become suspicious.
But when I got to the hostel, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Gift was arranging her books.
She glanced up.
"You saw him again?"
I stared at her.
"How did you know?"
"Your face."
I sighed.
"Everyone is becoming an expert at reading my face."
She smiled.
"You're easy to read."
I sat down.
"I'm trying not to care."
"That doesn't sound healthy."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Talk to him."
"I've talked to him."
"Then talk again."
I looked at her.
"I don't want to seem insecure."
Gift shook her head.
"Being honest about your feelings isn't insecurity."
I was quiet.
She continued.
"If something hurts you, say it."
I nodded.
"Maybe you're right."
"I usually am."
I laughed.
"Don't get too proud."
She smiled.
There was a time when I would have found it strange to sit in the hostel talking to Gift like this.
Now, it felt almost natural.
We were not best friends.
We were not inseparable.
But the hostility that had once existed between us was disappearing.
Perhaps some relationships didn't need a dramatic apology.
Sometimes, they simply became better with time.
The following day, I decided to talk to Samuel again.
After our final lesson, I waited.
He packed his books.
"You wanted to see me?"
"Yes."
He sat back down.
"What happened?"
I took a breath.
"I'm not trying to accuse you of anything."
He nodded.
"Okay."
"But I feel like you've been spending a lot of time with Abigail."
He was silent.
"I know she's your friend."
"Yes."
"And I trust you."
He nodded.
"Then what's the problem?"
"The problem is that I don't understand why I keep feeling like I'm outside something."
His expression softened.
"You're not outside anything."
"Then let me in."
He looked away.
"I don't know how."
I swallowed.
"Try."
He was silent for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Abigail is having some problems."
"What kind?"
He hesitated.
"Family problems."
I immediately felt guilty.
"Oh."
"I promised not to tell anyone."
"I understand."
"That is why I couldn't explain the letter."
I nodded.
"So you were helping her?"
"Yes."
I looked at him.
"Why didn't you just tell me that?"
"I didn't think I needed to."
His answer stung.
"You didn't think I needed to know?"
"Not everything is about us."
I stared at him.
"I know that."
"Then—"
"But I am part of your life."
He became quiet.
I continued.
"I don't need to know her private problems. I just needed to know why you were suddenly spending so much time with her."
He sighed.
"I didn't think about it that way."
"That is the problem."
"What?"
"Sometimes you don't think about how things look from my side."
He looked down.
"I'm sorry."
I nodded.
"Okay."
He reached for my hand.
"I really am sorry."
I looked at him.
"I believe you."
And I did.
At least, I wanted to.
He squeezed my hand.
"I don't want you worrying about her."
"I won't."
"I promise."
I smiled.
"Okay."
For the first time in weeks, I felt relieved.
The mystery of Abigail was no longer a mystery.
She was dealing with something difficult.
Samuel was helping her.
That was all.
I had been wrong to assume the worst.
That night, I slept peacefully.
The next morning, Samuel was waiting for me outside class.
He smiled.
"Morning."
"Morning."
"How did you sleep?"
"Fine."
"Good."
He held out a small piece of paper.
I took it.
I unfolded it.
I missed you yesterday.
I looked at him.
"You saw me yesterday."
"I know."
"Then how did you miss me?"
He smiled.
"Don't ask questions."
I laughed.
"You're strange."
"Maybe."
I folded the paper and kept it inside my notebook.
For the rest of the day, we were close again.
We laughed.
We studied.
We talked.
Everything seemed almost perfect.
But there was one thing I did not know.
Samuel had not told me everything.
He had told me the truth about Abigail needing help.
But there were details he had left out.
Not because he wanted to betray me.
Not because he had stopped loving me.
He simply thought some things were better left unsaid.
And I thought I had finally learnt how to trust him.
That was the irony.
We were both trying to protect our relationship in our own ways.
Samuel kept certain things to himself because he thought he was protecting me from unnecessary worry.
I kept certain feelings to myself because I thought I was protecting him from pressure.
Neither of us realised that silence, even when it came from good intentions, could still create distance.
As the days passed, our lives became busier.
The assessment drew closer.
Teachers gave us more work.
Samuel spent more time studying.
I did the same.
Sometimes, we went through an entire school day without having a proper conversation.
At first, it did not bother me.
Then it happened again.
And again.
Eventually, I started noticing.
One afternoon, I looked at him while he was writing.
"Samuel."
"Hm?"
"Do you still like me?"
His pen stopped.
He looked at me as though I had asked the strangest question in the world.
"Of course."
"Then why did I ask?"
He smiled sadly.
"Because you're scared."
I looked down.
"Maybe."
He reached for my hand.
"Don't be."
I squeezed his fingers.
"Okay."