Chapter 23 I'm Drowning, Help Me Breathe
Izuku ran through the liquid as fast as he could. But with each step, it felt like someone was trying to grab onto his ankle and pull him down. He was close to the land, so close, and yet the uneasy feeling didn't leave his chest. He still hadn't found Shouta, even though he knew he was somewhere around him.
Izuku cursed out as his feet hit something solid, making him trip down. The sudden drop caused the thick liquid to enter his mouth and eyes. He spluttered and tried to get back up on his feet. But the sudden stop made him realize how exhausted he was. His legs and arms felt like jelly. His body wobbled once he got back up on his feet. The liquid dripped down his body, soaking his cloth, and making him feel gross. It felt sticky and heavy to touch; holding an uncanny resemblance to drying blood. Like it was weighing him down.
"Shit." He shook his head to get rid of the liquid from his hand. "What is this…?"
He tried smelling the liquid but it turned out to be odorless. Making it feel even more ominous. At that moment, the sharp smell of blood attacked his nose. He wasn't sure if his skills were active, but he was sure he could smell blood. He whipped his head around, in search of the source and-
Fear was something Izuku was closely familiar with. He had felt it since he was a kid. When he was four and suddenly the whole world turned against him by a simple declaration. When he was five, his friends were hurting him, and adults looked at him with disgusted eyes for reasons he didn't understand. Some days Shouta would have to leave for days because of a mission, and wouldn't be back on time. When he was twelve and the Sludge Villain tried to kill him, or when he saw Katsuki in danger. It was a feeling he had felt so many times, and yet it made his blood run cold, and heart drop down to the bottom of his stomach.
And just like all the times before, once again, right now, Izuku found himself frozen, with his heart threatening to jump out of his mouth as he stared at a familiar figure lying on the ground.
"Dad!" Izuku yelled and started sprinting in that direction.
He dropped down to his knees and skidded to a stop a few inches away from Shouta's body.
"Dad?" Izuku called out hesitantly, reaching out with trembling. "Dad, are you okay?"
He gulped when he noticed a part of his costume was ripped on his back, as if torn apart by a claw, revealing a deep, horrifying gash. When he got no reply, and he nudged Shouta gently. "Dad?"
Upon not getting a reply once again, Izuku got up and moved to the other side. He clasped his hand over his mouth, and muffled a whimper when he saw the blood dried on Shouta's face, and hands. He knelt down and nudged him gently once again. His voice trembled as he spoke and tears blurred his vision. "Dad? Come on, wake up."
He let out a sob, pointedly ignoring the fact that Shouta's chest wasn't moving anymore, or that he couldn't feel any pulse as he pressed his fingers over the pulse point Shout's neck. He tried shaking Shouta by his shoulder once again, "Dad, Dad, what's wrong?"
"Please tell me what's wrong? Why aren't you saying anything?" Izuku whimpered, refusing to recognize the possibility that his Dad was-
"Dad, Dad. Are you sleepy?" Izuku asked softly, internally begging, hoping and praying that he could get a reply. Anything would be enough. Even the quietest sound, or slightest movement. Anything apart from the lifeless state he was in. "Ok-okay, you can sleep. Just-Just for a little while, okay?"
Izuku laid his head over Shouta's chest, "Please wake up soon."
***
Izuku isn't jolted out of his sleep, but he is brought slightly back to himself by a sensation of change. A slight movement, and then warmth, and touch. There is a hand against his cheek, all calluses that he can just about feel and kindness that seeps all the way down to his bones. Slowly, he fluttered his eyes open. A shuddering breath falling off his limbs. He wasn't awake as he felt himself move. He isn't worried. Even through his sleep laden mind he recognized that hand. He recognized that touch. There's a press against his back, and he's being pulled up. There were voices around him. Or maybe, it's just one voice. Izuku wasn't sure. It was all muffled and faint to his ears. His eyes fluttered once again, but his vision was nothing more than a dark and light blur of colors. A whimper fell off his lips as his mind searched for something. Something was missing. Something he hadn't found. A sound. A beat. Something, something, something-
Izuku relaxed as his face pressed against something sturdy and solid and safe. It rose and fell, steady with a rhythm Izuku couldn't count. He whimpered once again. And once again there are voices, and something pressed against his back. Rubbing comforting circles. A weight rested on the top of his head. Izuku should probably feel trapped. His paths were being blocked from every way. But he didn't. Instead he felt so safe as he listened to the dull, distant thudding.
Then, slowly, with each rub on his back, with each rise and fall, with each thud, his senses returned to him. Slowly, one by one. First, it was his eyes. His vision cleared. It was still dark around him. But there was a gentle, warm, yellow light from somewhere. Then, came touch. He felt the worn out texture of cloth against his cheek, and the weight of one's chin on his head. A hand on his back, still rubbing comfortingly, another around his waist, holding him steady.
Izuku opened his mouth, and tried to speak. He rolled his tongue, slowly trying to figure out how to form the words in his mind.
"D-ad?" He croaked out finally. His voice was rough and scratchy with sleep and… something else he couldn't remember at the moment. His throat hurt from dryness or overuse. But he had been sleeping so-
"You with me, kiddo?" His dad's voice finally reached his ears. Deep, familiar and rumbling.
Izuku hummed, and looked around. Finally realizing where he was. They were still in his room, but the lights were still off. All except the yellow night lamp on the bedside table. Shouta was on Izuku's bed, with Izuku nestled in his lap. Any other time, he probably would've been embarrassed with the position. He was fifteen. But right now, he was sure that, if it wasn't for his proximity with his dad, it would've fallen apart.
But why?
"Wh-What happened?" Izuku asked.
The hand rubbing on his back stopped and Izuku almost whined at that. But he swallowed the protest down, and shifted his head; pressing his forehead against his dad's chest.
"You were screaming." Shouta replied.
Izuku froze. "Wha-What?"
"You were having a nightmare." Shouta explained, "You were screaming and crying in your sleep." Then, he paused and Izuku heard shudder in his breath. "I tried waking you up but you weren't-What did you see, kiddo?"
Izuku thought about it. He tried recalling his dream. And it all came back like a rushing wind. Blood. Blood. So, so, so much blood. His dad's wounded body. Blood. Blood again. So much of it pooling under his body. His lifeless, cold-
Izuku let out a shrill cry, and moved to wrap his arms around his Dad's neck. Burrowing his face into the crook of his neck. Holding him close. He tried telling himself he was safe. Safe with him. Breathing in front of him. He could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest against his body. He could feel the thumping of his heart. Could hear the dull thud of its beat. He was here. He was safe. He was alive.
And yet the fear was so strong. Wrapping around him like vines. He reached out with hand, feeling Shouta's back. There were no deep, bleed gash. No wound. Nothing. Nothing but the feeling of bandages under his cloth.
He breathed once again. Letting the oxygen fill his lungs till it hurt . Clearing his mind, and grounding him. He felt his Dad curl his body against him, pressing his cheek against the side of Izuku's head. His warmth enclosed around Izuku's body. Wrapping against him like a comforting blanket.
"It's okay, 'zuku." His Dad whispered, once again rubbing his back. "It's safe now. We're safe in your room."
Izuku whimpered and nodded his head.
It's safe. It's safe. He's safe. You're safe. You're safe.
He chanted in his mind.
"You wanna do something to take your mind off it, buddy?" Shouta asked softly.
Izuku thought about it and decided he really liked the idea. If he were left alone now, he would be consumed by his fears, and dark thoughts. He wanted to be close to his Dad. No, he needed to be close to him. He needed to know he was still alive and breathing. He needed to know he was safe.
So, he nodded. "Ye-Yeah."
"Okay," Shouta replied, and ran a hand through his hair, "Do you want to watch a movie, cartoon, or a documentary?"
Izuku thought about it once more before he replied, "Can we watch that video compilation? Casual Geographic?"
Shouta chuckled, "Yeah, he's fun, alright. We can watch that. Go wash your face, I'll go turn on the TV."
"Okay," Izuku mumbled as he slowly and reluctantly got off his Dad's lap. Detaching himself from the comforting warmth. Instead, he settled for setting up a telempathic connection with his Dad, to at least feel his presence in his mind.
'Izuku?'
Yeah…
'Okay?'
Better.
Izuku trudged to the bathroom, and switched on the light. He stared at his reflection. Noting the red rimmed eyes, and puffy cheeks. The blotches of red, and tears stains. He flinched slightly as En appeared next to him.
"Did you guys see it?" He asked.
En placed his hand on his shoulder. His cold touch sent a shiver down. "Only flashes of it, after you woke up."
"Oh."
"The other's want to be here, Izuku." En explained, "But your mental barriers are holding us back." A cool touch ran through his head, "It's okay. Just know, we're here for you as well. And when you feel good enough to talk, we're here. Just like your family and friends are."
Izuku looked at the earnest expression on En's face, and a ghost of a smile appeared on his lips, "I know. Thank you."
Izuku felt a wave of steadiness wash over his mind. Calmness that came from years of experience blanketed his mind.
' Izuku?'
Yeah?
'You okay there? Haven't heard anything from you in a while.'
'...Oh. How-How long has it been?'
'Around fifteen minutes.'
Izuku blinked and looked out the open door of the bathroom. He hadn't even realized when the time had passed. To him, it had barely been a minute. How long had he been staring at his own reflection before En appeared?
I'm sorry…
'It's okay, kiddo. You can take your time.'
Izuku shook his head even though his Dad couldn't see it. He didn't want space at the moment. He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to stray away from his present, or his thoughts. So, he quickly washed his face with cold water, and waddled out.
Down in the living room, he saw the yellow spotlights turned over the kitchen counter. Other than that, the room was mostly dark, except for the coloured lights from the television. He noticed the stacks of papers on the coffee table, along with a book, and some pen scattered around.
He also noticed that the house was too quiet before realizing that apart from his Dad and he, no one else was around. His Mom had to leave for a night shift, and Dabi was at Hawks' apartment.
"I didn't wake you up, did I?" Izuku asked, when he saw his Dad on the couch.
His Dad looked up and shook his head, "Nope. I was awake. Couldn't sleep."
"Why?" Izuku asked with a frown.
His Dad pursed his lips and looked away bashfully, "I'm just not used to sleeping at this time, okay?" Izuku laughed airly at how defensive his Dad sounded, "I'm usually working at this time, so it feels weird to be… sleeping. I couldn't sleep and I had no idea what to do."
"You said the third years gave a test while you were in hospital. You could've checked those." Izuku suggested.
"Already finished them at school."
"...Uh…paperwork from your other work?"
"All up to date."
"So you're bored because your usual workaholic habits left you with no work to do?" Izuku asked, slightly amused.
"I thought you wanted to watch documentaries." Shouta said instead.
Izuku snickered slightly as he plopped next to his Dad on the couch, leaning against his body. He felt his Dad shift a little, and lift his arm to wrap it around his shoulder. Izuku hummed pleasantly as he tucked himself safely by his Dad's side.
For the rest of the night, they stayed like that, watching one compilation after the other in the dark. And in the early morning when Inko walked in, she found them fast asleep on the couch, with Izuku sprawled half over Shouta's body while Shouta had one arm securely around Izuku's waist.
She smiled softly, tears stinging her eyes upon seeing her boys sleeping peacefully. She knew that ever since the incident at the USJ none of them had been able to sleep peacefully at any time. She felt so helpless, unable to do anything for them. She had no idea of the terror that they had felt during the moment, and didn't know how to help with it.
The best she could was the little things in their daily lives that she knew made them happy.
She quietly went to her room, and brought out her favorite fluffy blanket and covered them with it. Shouta stirred slightly in his sleep, and blinked his eyes open a little.
"Shh, go back to sleep, Sho." Inko hushed, placing her hand gently over his eyes.
"Mhmm." Shouta hummed in his sleep and turned around a little, pulling Izuku closer to himself.
She looked at them one last time, and took a quick picture before going to her room to freshen up.
***
Fear Resistance was a passive skill. Meaning, it would be active at any moment without Izuku's explicit command. Maybe if it was because it activated whenever needed, Izuku never truly realized ever since he was twelve, how much of an anxious and nervous person he actually. Mostly because, before getting his quirk, his anxiety hadn't actually been a problem for him. In school, he didn't shy away or hide himself because of his quirkless status. He did keep quiet, and to himself, but he never hid. Hiding himself from the world just because he was quirkless would mean Izuku agreed with what the world said about people like him. Hiding himself would mean he was ashamed of himself. And how could be ashamed of himself when his family, his Mom and Dad, his best friend were anything but. How could he cower for being quirkless when his Dad always told him how proud he was of him no matter what? How could he when his mother supported his decision of being a hero even though it was obvious she was so worried for him? How could he when he had promised Katsuki they would be heroes together?
If he was ashamed of himself, he would be letting them down. How could he ever do that?
His anxiety however came from blunt trauma. He hadn't realized it because Fear Resistance had buried it inside of him. Hadn't realized how dying had left a literal scar in his mind. One that he hadn't noticed. He hadn't realized how the look in Katsuki's eyes when he was attacked by the Sludge Villain still terrified him. He hadn't realized how the sight of the Aegis shield, the fight at the mall, had shook him to his core.
Logically, Izuku knew there had to be some repercussions from all the near death situations he had faced. Even if he hadn't realized it from the previous experiences. He knew seeing his Dad almost dying in front of him, while trying to save them, wasn't something he could just shrug off like had before.
Logically, Izuku knew he wasn't okay anymore.
He just hadn't realized how far from it he was.
***
Despite being able to sleep next to his Dad peacefully at night, Izuku couldn't help but feel jittery and anxious the entire day after waking up. The nervousness crept up his body like a thousand needles prickling on his skin. The unease never quite left. The images from his nightmare and the accident clouded his mind. He had thought he had managed to subdued the bone chilling terror he had felt that day. He had been able to go to school just fine afterwards. But yet, with each, it felt the anxiety was clawing up his throat, choking him. He couldn't help but feel the urge to look over his shoulder every moment. To look for his Dad and make sure he was still alive.
Izuku knew it had been three days since the incident. Izuku knew that the worst was over. And yet, yet, he couldn't help the fear. He felt childish. He hated how his hand trembled as his mind replayed the cursed moment over, and over in his mind.
The fear clung onto him like a heavy cape on his shoulder. Pulling, and dragging him backwards. Tilting his balance. Setting him constantly on the edge. He recalled how he had jumped and almost attacked All Might.
And it had been just like that at home as well. Any loud sound— Dabi yelled when he lost a game, his mom dropped a utensil in the kitchen, or one of the doors slamming close hard because of the wind— made him jump in surprise, and threw him into fight or flight mode.
To him, the fear felt irrational. He was at his home. He was at a safe place. So why was he still scared?
"Tiny!" Izuku yelped, jumping back instinctively as he heard the loud voice call for him. He blinked, heart hammering in his chest and saw Dabi standing in front of him looking both surprised and concerned.
Izuku frowned, slightly irritated from being surprised like that, "Do you have to yell? I'm right in front of you."
Dabi looked at him, furrowing his brow "I called you. Six times."
Izuku blinked once again. "Oh." Stunned knowing he had spaced out for so long that he hadn't heard Dabi calling for him. "I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't-" He paused and shook his head. Then, he took a deep breath, and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you."
Dabi stared at him for a little longer. Face still full of concern. Then in the blink of an eye, his expression changed and he was grinning widely as he ruffled Izuku's hair.
"It's alright bud." Dabi said, "Anyway, as I was saying; I'm heading out."
"Where are you going?" Izuku asked.
"It's the second Saturday, remember?" Dabi reminded.
"Oh… right. Training with Fuyumi." Izuku mumbled as he recalled the schedule. Recently Dabi's control over his new quirk had improved, and so he had offered to help Fuyumi with her police training.
"Yep." Dabi nodded, "I'm heading out. Want me to get something when I come back?"
Izuku shook his head, "No. It's fine, thank you. I promised Kacchan I'll hang out with him today. I won't be back before afternoon."
"Oh. Cool. Well, bye bye! Have fun!"
"You too!" Izuku replied, watching Dabi walk away.
He exhaled deeply and checked the time. 9: 32. I should get ready. Kachhan said he'd be here by 10.
***
An hour after hanging out with Katsuki, Izuku decided that it might have been a bad idea. Usually, he could bear Katsuki's insistent barks,snarks. And more often than not, Izuku would snark back as well. Playful, harmless bickering that ended when one of them got distracted.
But today, he just couldn't. He couldn't brush off Katsuki's sharp insults as his usual snark. He couldn't remain unaffected whenever Katsuki let off a few explosions to cool himself down. He wasn't scared of Katsuki. No, of course not. But all of it still grated his nerves. Everything felt too loud, too bright, too much and Katsuki's usual loud personality was not helping.
Izuku knew it wasn't Katsuki's fault his mood was off. It wasn't his best friend's fault his emotions were all over the place. And so he bit his lip and swallowed the ball of frustration each time. Suppressed the urge to yell at Katsuki to stop the explosions because it was freaking him out.
Izuku had tried. He had tried so hard not to break. Not to snap. Because no matter who he directed it to, they won't deserve it. (Unless it was the Hand Villain. In which case, Izuku would have words. )
But the irritation built inside of him, slowly and gradually. Irritation from freaking out over and over again, at everything too loud. Irritation from losing control over his emotions. Irritation from the sound, the light, the voices. Everything unfamiliar seemed to grate against his nerves. Tension built inside of him like a rubberband, twisted and twisted over. Painfully taut.
"God, you're so fucking useless, Zuku." Katsuki had grumbled. "You had one job to keep her safe and you can't even do that."
Honestly, Izuku had no idea what led up to that moment. He had no idea what Katsuki had been saying before it. Or what caused him to say it.
(Later on, when he would try to recall the events, he'd remember that they were working together to get a cat down from a tree. Izuku had been the one climbing up, but the kitten slipped through his fingers at the last moment. Even though cats are more than adapt to land themselves on their feet. The kitten had been too small, and frail to do it. If it hadn't been for Katsuki standing under the tree, grumbling about having to save a kitten, the little creature would've gotten injured badly.)
All he felt at that moment was the tension, and irritation built up inside of him finally exploded.
"Shut up! Shut up! JUST SHUT UP KATSUKI!" Izuku shouted, "I'm tired of you insulting me all the time. I get it! I get it okay? I'm fucking useless. I can't even save a kitten. Much less a person. I know! I FUCKING KNOW ALRIGHT?! You don't have to remind me every five seconds So just-just shut up !"
Izuku opened his eyes (He hadn't even realized he had screwed them shut) and realized with burning embarrassment, that he was crying. He didn't notice the stunned look on Katsuki's face. The way the blond's eyes had gone wide, and his mouth was hanging open. He didn't notice the way the bafflement slowly bled into concern.
Izuku was too choked up in his emotions, and thoughts to notice any of it. If he had, maybe he wouldn't have felt as horrible as he did. But he didn't.Because all he could think of was— Blood. Blood. Blood everywhere. Dad's dying. Injured. Dead. Mocking laughter. Decay. Failure. Failure. Failurefailurefailurefailure— He breathed heavily. Heaving and wheezing the process. He felt his mental peace and tranquility slowly start to crumble as Fear Resistance struggled to hold back whatever that was making him feel this way.
He snatched up the worn out yellow bag that he carried with him pretty much everywhere, and ran. Away from everything that made him feel scared.
He fished out his phone as he ran. He needed to call someone. Needed to hear their voices. His finger hovered his mom's number but he hesitated. He wasn't in the right mood. His breaths were harsh, shallow and uneven. He doubted he could speak without his voice breaking. He sounded like as much of a wreck as he was.
Calling his mom would be a bad idea. She would be worried. And start freaking out. And if she freaked out, Izuku would freak out which would lead to a whole another mess. He would talk to his mother. He needed to talk to his mother. Just not yet. When he was calmer, then. Sniffling, Izuku lowered his head and pressed the other number on his emergency contact list.
"D-Dad."
***
Katsuki watched his friend leave wordlessly. He wasn't the kind of boy who let guilt bother him easily. But he couldn't help it as he recalled the distraught look on his best friend's face. Cheeks blotchy red, stained with endless streams of tears. The pain, the terror in his eyes. Katsuki knew that despite how Izuku pretended, he wasn't okay after the USJ incident. There was no way he could be after watching his Dad almost die. Katsuki knew something was wrong, and yet he hadn't bothered to ask Izuku about it. Too awkward and messed up to do it. He had seen that something was wrong with Izuku the moment they met. He was more fidgety than usual. Flinching, and jumping at the smallest of the sound. Body hunched and tensed like he was expecting an unknown enemy to pop out of any corner.
He had seen all of it and done nothing?
Why? Cause of my damned ego?
No matter what reason Katsuki tried to come up for not doing anything, it all felt wrong. He clicked his tongue and stuffed his hand in his pocket. Ignoring the itch to let more explosions pop off on his palm. To feel the soothing sting from it.
He groaned and cussed under his breath.
What the fuck was I thinking? Saying that word like that?
Ever since they were kids, Katsuki had sworn off using that word in regards to Izuku. No matter how much his friend sometimes pissed him off. But he had let it slip this time. Which was a mistake. One he had needed to apologize for. Along with his willful ignorance.
He looked up skyward and scrunched up his face. Ugh… how much allowance do I have left again?
Chapter 24 It's Hard To Admit
What he was doing was probably wrong. Toxic, even. He didn't quite know what else to do. He had tried. He swore he had tried nicer paths. But none of them worked. It just wasn't enough. The pain was never quite gone. The fear lingering over his body, crawling over his skin like a thousand invisible insects never left. The lump in his throat, the tears in his eyes never dried. It was just there. All the time. Fraying on his nerves. Making him jump. Double check. Glance over his shoulder.
Every time he closed his eyes he would taste copper on his tongue, and ash choking his lungs. He would feel the throb of phantom wounds. On his legs, on his arm. Red dripped off his fingertips. Hands against a cold, unbreathing, unmoving body.
There was just so much, and he was just so tired. He barely did anything, and yet the exhaustion seeped bone deep in his body. Molten lead filled his veins, muscles melting off. His lungs ached, and limbs cried from pain. But he needed to push himself. Just another kilometer. Another set. Just enough to finish his Daily Task. Something he could finish with ease before.
He knew he shouldn't push himself so far when he was barely able to hold himself together. But the sweet, sweet pain of exhaustion at the end of the day would knock him out the moment his body hit the bed. He couldn't help but push himself until he was too exhausted to even dream.
The fight with Katsuki had left him unnerved. He knew Katsuki didn't mean what he said. His best friend for nearly a decade had always been rough with his words. But he has long stopped meaning the words he threw his way. And yet the words stung, cut into him like a searing hot knife, cut off his tendons, leaving him useless, like he had said.
He tried closing his eyes. Tried to rest. He was so, so, exhausted and he needed to close his eyes, just for a moment. Even an hour would be more than enough. But he just couldn't. His body shivered and trembled as he lay on his bed, but sleep didn't come.
He flinched when there was a knock on his door. But before he could say anything, the door creaked open. Izuku struck out his Dad from the list of all the people who would come to his room. Shouta always waited until Izuku said 'come in' before he opened the door. He never opened the door without permission. And if some situation needed immediate action, like if Izuku was sick, he'd ask for the door to be kept open instead. For reasons Izuku didn't know, and none he could think of which sounded okay, Dabi and Hawks never approached him when he was in the room. Like they were forbidden to do so. No matter how many times Izuku assured them that they could knock on his door if they needed him, they refused. It was definite that the habit came from years of conditioning. Izuku didn't think he would want to know more about it.
Well not unless killing the current No 2 Hero was suddenly legal. Izuku wouldn't ask why it was legal. As long as it was.
Izuku pushed himself off his bed, curling his hand into fist to keep the subdue trembling a little as his mother walked in the room.
"Izuku?" She called softly, frowning slightly at the darkness of the room. Izuku understood the confusion. It was late afternoon with the sun high up in the sky. It was ridiculously bright outside, without any clouds in the sky. Izuku despised it as of now. "Is everything okay?"
Izuku dug his nails into the mattress of his bed. Maybe later, when his mind was clearer, when his heart didn't seem like it was trying to escape its way out of his body, when he didn't feel like peeling off his skin away just so he could stop the uneasiness crawling over, he would think now and silly it was that he needed to prepare himself just to say a one syllable word.
"Yeah." And maybe then, when he would find his situation funny, he would be proud of how well he was able to mask the storm inside of him. His voice didn't seem to give away anything.
"Are you sure, baby? It's not like you to be in the dark when it's afternoon." She said softly.
It wasn't. Izuku, despite his jittery personality, loved being active all the time. So, instead he chose to be evasive, "I just have a slight headache, mum. And the light is making my eyes hurt."
It wasn't a lie. Because lies tasted bitter on his tongue. But it wasn't the complete truth either.
"Oh baby," She said woefully, walking into the room. Izuku forced himself not to wince at that. He knew she was just worried about him. She didn't mean to hurt him. She wouldn't know that Izuku did not need any coddling right now. That the way most people seemed to tread around him carefully, walking on eggshells, was only making things so much worse for him. Like he was a scared animal. It made him just as weak as he thought he was.
"Did you drink some water? Would you like me to get you something to eat?" She asked kindly.
Izuku shook his head, shifting his hand out of her sight just in case, "No mum. I'm fine.." He smiled a little, as much as he could push himself to do, "I just need a little nap."
Izuku closed his eyes, savoring his mother's gentle touch as she ran her fingers through his hair, "Are you sure?"
Izuku looked up at her, still smiling, "Yep."
His mother didn't look convinced. A frown still furrowed her brows, but she decided not to push any further. Something, he was grateful for. "Okay, Zuku. But if you need something, let me know."
"I will." Izuku said. Feeling his mask slowly slipping off the edges. He bit his tongue, canines digging into the flesh of it as he waited for his mother to leave the room. And once she was done, he found himself staring into space.
He knew his mother was just worried for him. He didn't want to feel the prickles of irritation in his throat. He knew she was trying to help him, but, but he didn't want to be treated so gently. So carefully like he was a glass figurine, bound to break. The caution, the care was only making him feel more nervous. Like things could flip upside down any moment. Like another danger, one he couldn't protect the others from, was right around the corner.
It was suffocating.
Dabi and Hawks understood. They didn't pretend like nothing was wrong, but they also didn't treat him so gently. It was grounding to know things were once again okay. He knew he should probably take some time to process the pain, the fear, but the thought of the task was just so daunting.
The vestiges had been asking him to seek help. If not from others, from Shouta, as his Dad or as a pro-hero. Someone knew he would understand the sheer terror of losing a family member. Someone who had looked death right in the eye and said 'Fuck you, I'm protecting my students'.
Izuku blinked, coming back to his present. He let out a breath and glanced at the time. Over thirty minutes had passed away without him realizing it. He realized he was a little hungry but at the same time the thought of food made bile rise up his throat.
He groaned, falling back on his bed, and rubbed his eyes.
Ugh. When will this weekend be over?
At school, even if his classmates had been acting a little cautious after his reaction to All Might had somehow spread around, it was bearable. Somewhat. And if it proved to be too much, he could hide in one of the empty lounge rooms, crawl into his Dad's sleeping bag and stay there. And during classes, he didn't have to worry about the others.
It seemed like the mental pressure that had been building up since morning was finally enough to push him over the edge of consciousness. Before he knew it, Izuku felt his eyelids droop and the warm blanket of sleep take over.
***
Sleep helped. At least his nerves weren't tingling all the time. And when his Dad came back in the evening, he dragged him to their gym. The one they used for training before UA. Izuku knew spending his time with Shouta was a risk.
It was a calculated risk he took knowingly.
The man seemed to see through everything. Izuku could never seem to hide anything from him for long. Not like he made an effort all the time, anyway. It wasn't one of the ways he was planning to use the skills of System Synthesis, but he had recently spotted a pattern about his Dad. The longer Eraserhead knew someone, the harder it is going to be for the person to hide anything from him. The man learned everything about you over time, slowly. One piece of information after the other, tucked away his mind.
Izuku knew that his Dad would see the signs. And maybe he wanted to. He didn't know yet.
All he knew for the moment was that he needed a distraction. And sparring with his Dad did just that.
He was too busy looking for openings, dodging, trying to find a pattern, something to use against the Underground Hero, to think about things that hurt and scared him.
***
It wasn't usual to seek comfort from Mondays. Izuku knew. Dabi and Hawks had been looking at him weirdly, seeing him bounce around the house. Even his Dad was giving him a stink eye while he trudged into the kitchen to make himself a pot of coffee.
Izuku had only snickered in response and continued eating his breakfast.
"Dabi." His Dad called. Voice still gravelly and deep from being unused for hours.
Dabi flinched slightly, looking up like a kid who was caught doing something wrong, and mumbled "I'll never get used to the morning voice."
Shouta blinked, too groggy to process anything apart from the important stuff he seemed to always have on his mind. "Wha…"
Dabi waved his hand, "Nothing. Anyway, what were you about to say?"
Shouta frowned slightly, not liking the fact that he was missing something, but quickly decided he still wasn't awake for anything else and said, "Tsukauchi asked you to go meet him around 11. He'll give you the membership card for the RO."
"What's RO?" Izuku queried, poking into the yolk of his poach.
"Rehabilitation organization." Shouta answered, "Even if Dabi hasn't done anything that labels him as a villain he still has committed petty thefts while he was still on the run."
Izuku frowned, and pouted. He knew there was no way Dabi managed to survive on the street without having to steal food or money at some point.
"His charges have been dropped." Shouta continued, after taking a long sip of his coffee. "But if he wants to get a job sometime in his life, he would need to get an official certificate from an Rehab Org."
Izuku looked at Dabi worried. Seeing that, the older male patted his hair and said, "Don't worry bud. It's fine. Plus, I can't freeload here forever. I don't want to either."
Izuku didn't like the word 'freeload'. Dabi wasn't freeloading. He was family. Families don't freeload. But he understood not being able to do anything. He has already been living in this house for months, without anything to do. It was bound to get to him eventually.
"What are you planning?" He asked.
"Well… since the case with my dear old daddy is still going to take some time." Dabi said with nonchalance, but it was easy to see through. But no one pointed out anything. "Being the number 2 Hero gave immunity like that. But it's still possible. And I will be able to live as a free man someday. So in the meantime, I've decided to start training to become a hero."
Izuku's eyes widened as he dropped his cutlery noisily on the plate. Earning a whine of indignation from his Dad. "You're going to be a Hero? That's amazing! What kind? What do you want for your Hero name? Can I design the costume? Please, please? I'll do good. I promise! Or maybe I can make analyses for you. I'm good at that. Ask Dad. Or, Or-"
Izuku paused when he heard a soft laugh. He realized Dabi, looking at him with a fond and amused expression in his eyes. Making the ice blue irises look soft like snowflakes in the sky. He turned his head around and found his Dad, head on the counter, nestled between his arms, laughing softly.
Izuku felt his cheeks burn. Realizing he might have blabbered too much.
"What?" He pouted, slumping back onto the bar stool. He hadn't realized when he had gotten out of it. He was just so excited at the prospect of Dabi becoming a Hero.
Shouta stopped laughing, sitting up while he took a long breath. His cheeks were faintly dusted pink. Dark eyes warm, and glittering like the night sky. He got up from where he sat, heading towards the stars, and ruffled his hair on his way.
"You know you look like a puppy, or a kitten, when you get all excited." Dabi said with a teasing hint in his voice. "It's adorable. And to answer your question, I'm training to become a Rescue Hero. Always wanted to be one. Though the job of helping people from danger was much cooler than fighting the bad guys. But dear ol' Daddy said 'Your powers will make you the number one Hero' so I gave up on that eventually." He paused, taking a bit from his toast, "But well, Touya Todoroki died 9 years ago. And Dabi doesn't care about what Endeavor has to say."
"That's so awesome." Izuku thought Dabi was so strong. Maybe not in the conventional way of physical strength. Dabi had been fighting against his demons for so long. The fight wasn't over yet, but he was close and winning. To fight against someone that had terrified him for years, to do what he wanted despite being abused for it, to be able to break himself free, needed so much strength. To ask for help needed so much courage.
Izuku would know. He was failing at it currently.
"Can I design your hero costume though?" Izuku pleaded, "I'll make you cool, I promise." He paused and then wondered, "Can we work together?" He paused, another idea popping in his mind, which made him gasp out loud with wonder and awe. He had no idea what expression he had but it made Dabi chuckle.
"Slow down, buddy. I'm just starting." He said, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "No one can say for sure that I can become a Hero."
"Pfft-" Izuku responded, "Please, you're going to be amazing. I know it. Trust me. My instincts are on point."
"Right." His Dad joined in on the conversations, "And are your instincts telling you that if you don't finish eating soon you're going to be late?"
Izuku whipped his head around to check the time on the wall clock and promptly cursed. Earning a disapproving look from his mother who had just walked into the kitchen after getting out of the shower.
"Oh wait," Izuku slowed down, after he realized something, "I'm not going with Katsuki. Dad, can I come with you for today?"
Both his Dad and Mom stilled, eyeing him with a questioning look.
Shouta glanced at Inko. He just said Katsuki, didn't he?
Inko glanced back, He did.
Shouta raised his eyebrow, pressing his lips together as both Inko and he came to the same conclusion. Izuku and Katsuki had a fight. A big one. And Izuku was pissed at his best friend.
Inko nudged him and Shouta realized he was still supposed to reply to his kid. "Sure. But you still need to hurry up though. I'm leaving in fifteen minutes."
"Yep, I'm almost done with everything." Izuku replied, shoveling the last bit of his egg into his mouth before hopping off the seat and putting his plate in the sink. He rushed into his room to pick up his bag, tie, and ID card before rushing back down.
He was in the middle of tying his tie when his Dad spoke up.
"Wait, hold on, stop, stop. " He pried Izuku's hand away from his tie. "I've been meaning to ask… Kid, from where did you learn to tie your tie like that? What are you even trying to do? Strangle yourself with it?"
Izuku pouted when he heard Dabi snort from the dining table. He knew he wasn't good at tying his tie, but he wasn't that bad.
Was he?
"Internet videos." He said petulantly. Letting his Dad pull off the tie from around his neck, and redo.
Shouta sighed, shaking his head, looping the tie around his neck to tie it in a simple single knot, "I've failed you."
Izuku scrunched his nose at his Dad's dramatics. (A rare, but hilarious sight.)
"Here." He said, handing over the tied tie back to Izuku. He watched as the teen pulled it down his head, and tightened it snugly around his neck. "Please remind me to teach you later on."
Izuku stared flatly at the pained expression on his Dad's face. Amusement glimmering in his eyes.
"Sure." He chirped with a fake smile.
His Dad's lips stretched into a smirk, as he nodded and walked away to go wear his shoes. Izuku gave him a stink eye while he went to drink a glass of water before heading out with his Dad.
***
Walking into the class by himself was unusual. He came a little later than usual because he had unknowingly followed after his Dad all the way to the teacher's room. And on his way back, he had wandered about for a little while before heading to his classroom.
There was still 15 minutes before their class started. And 10 minutes before his Dad entered the classroom.
And yet, Katsuki Bakugou was nowhere in sight. Usually the blond came a while 20 minutes before class started. And yet today the blond was nowhere in sight.
"Midoriya!" Urukaka beamed, seeing him. Izuku suppressed the urge to flinch at her sudden voice, and smiled back. He greeted her, Iida, Sero and Tsuyu one by one.
Izuku sat down at his seat, chatting lightly with Shinso when the door slid open with a slam. Loud enough to make Izuku jump in his seat, whip his head around, heart racing in his chest. Bakugo Katsuki stomped his way into the class, a scowl etched on his face, looking like he was deep in his throat. Then his eyes flickered up and he noticed Izuku.
Immediately his expression shifted, scowl washing away to something… softer. More regretful. His eyes glanced back to the door, and then on the way Izuku was sitting on the edge of his chair and bit his lip.
Izuku's expression shifted to an apathetic one. He knew Katuski didn't mean it when he called him useless. But the words hurt anyway. And he wasn't going to forgive his friend so easily. So he looked away from him, turning his attention back to Shinso.
"Izuku." Katsuki called, and the entire class fell quiet. Probably expecting a drama. Izuku stopped in between of his conversation with Shinso. He turned his head around to look at Katsuki, raising his eyebrow at him, and did nothing else to acknowledge his presence.
Katsuki frowned when he saw the cold eyes Izuku was looking at him with. But decided he definitely deserved it after what happened on Saturday.
Izuku saw Katsuki suck in a deep breath. The class leaned away from him, probably expecting him to yell like all the other times. Izuku understood their caution. The scowl from before once again had crawled up on his friend's face. Looking even more menacing.
But to everyone's but Izuku's surprise, Katuski didn't yell. But instead, he pulled his bag to the front and fished out something.
Izuku heard someone gasp, most likely Ashido, when Katuski pulled out a box, wrapped neatly in a dark mauve wrapping paper with a lilac bow on top.
Izuku had plans to stay mad at his friend for the day. But the moment he noticed the gift he couldn't help his anger from melting away. He bit the inside of his cheek when he realized what his friend was doing.
Katsuki Bakugo seemed to never be able to utter the word ' sorry' . So instead, he took a trick from Masaru's book and gave apology gifts instead. It was something he had learnt when he was a kid. Around seven years of age. He didn't remember what he had done, but Izuku had been truly mad at him for the very first time. And he had no idea how to apologize. So he had asked his Dad what he did when his Mom was mad at him.
"Get her, her favorite flowers, or sweets." He said with a soft smile, "Always works."
So that's what Katsuki did. Whenever he had to apologize. He couldn't utter out the word 'sorry', but did the next best thing he could do.
(He had gotten Izuku sunflowers when they were kids. Because he had no idea what Izuku's favorite flowers were. And Uncle Masaru had said sunflowers were happy flowers.)
Izuku watched with a neutral, cold expression as Katsuki trudged over to him, scowl still on face, and shove the prettily wrapped box in his direction. "Here."
Izuku stared at his friend, rejoicing in the way his friend looked uncomfortable under his gaze (He understood why his Dad did it so often.)
Izuku wordlessly took the box from Katsuki's hand, turned around, and placed it on his desk. He carefully opened it and found a mix of all of Izuku's favorite things arranged neatly inside. Crysthanamum and Geranium decorated the bottom, forming a flower nest. (Uncle Masaru practiced flower arranging, and Katsuki had picked up a few tricks here and there). On top of it were clear pouches, tied with thin yellow ribbon, full of cookies and chocolates. Both of which, Izuku knew Katsuki had hand made.
Izuku looked up at his friend, still standing by his desk, waiting patiently. Worry hidden behind his scowl. Giving the gift was a wordless apology. Izuku accepting the gift was 'acknowledgement of the apology'. Now he was waiting to see if Izuku had forgiven him. Izuku sniffed, unwrapping one of the pouches of cookies and took a bite. 'Apology accepted.'
Tension eased off his shoulders as Katsuki let out a sigh imperceivable to anyone apart from Izuku.
Once Katsuki sat down at his desk, Izuku glanced around the room and noticed the look of astonishment on everyone's face. Eyes wide and mouth hanging. Even the ever uncaring Todoroki looked surprised.
But before anyone could say anything, the door slid open and Shouta walked. His eyes fell on the opened gift on Izuku's desk. Then, he saw Katsuki frowning at his desk, and then at his kid looking smug while he nibbled on his cookie. Huffing amusedly, he sat down at his seat, and waited for the class to start.