My name is Toga, Himiko Toga. Since I was little, my parents told me that we are all born different and unique. They said that no matter what quirk I have, I will always be special in their eyes. I was always happy to hear that, and as I grew older, I became more excited about what I could do.
Maybe I would inherit my Oka-chan's appearance-changing ability, which could change the color of her eyes and hair. It was funny to see her confuse my Oto-chan from time to time. Or maybe my father's quirk of walking silently was strange but fun. It didn't bother me that my Oka-chan was a housewife and my Oto-chan was an office worker.
Maybe I could be a heroine? That would be great!
The years passed, and when I turned five, I realized that I was the only one in my class without a quirk that made me special. That bothered me, and being teased by my classmates made me angry. But my parents consoled me, saying I could be a late bloomer. It would take time, but one day I would show how special I was.
When I was six years old, I noticed that I felt strange. Every time I looked at something that was bright red, I felt odd. And when I accidentally cut my finger with a knife, I felt a strange satisfaction when I sucked on the wound. I couldn't explain why I liked that feeling so much. When I told my Oka-chan, she said, "It's not good for you to do that..."
Why couldn't I do something that made me feel good? Was it bad? I didn't know, and no one explained it to me. A couple more years later, when I was only eight years old, I was returning home after being at school. I found something particular this time—a small injured bird lying on the ground, wounded by a marble used by the neighborhood kids with their slingshots.
I didn't know why, but seeing the blood flow from the wound and hearing the moans of that small animal, a part of me wanted to help it. But another bigger part of myself wanted something else. Without thinking, I took the bird in my hands and slowly took it to my mouth. When I had it in my mouth and bit it, and the blood reached my tongue...
I felt good…
Very good…
Taking strong bites, I only wanted the satisfactory sensation to last longer. Ignoring the weak flapping of the small animal's wings and its weak screams, I ate it—its flesh, its blood, its feathers that remained around my lips. That warm reddish elixir that passed through my throat made me feel... Complete?
I didn't know it at the time, but excited, I ran home to tell my parents about this discovery. When I got home and told them, I felt confused by the look on my Oka-chan's face. She didn't like me. I still had the little bird's blood on my lips. The next thing I remember was my Oto-chan's belt hitting my back, telling me that I did it, it was wrong.
Why was it wrong?
Why were they hurting me?
They didn't tell me, but I knew that my parents became more and more distant from me. They used to just ignore me, as if I wasn't there. My Oto-chan came home tired after work, and when I wanted to get closer to him to tell him about my good grades at school or what I did, he would just say that he was tired and was going to sleep or be with Oka-chan.
Why was he walking away?
My Oka-chan sometimes forgot about me. I had to get used to that. I always thought that she was just tired from washing clothes and making food for me every day. I knew that she loved me, but still, why didn't she hug me like before or tell me she loved me?
Why were you both walking away from me? Was there something wrong with me that kept them away? What was wrong with me?
I didn't even know how much time had passed, but I was already in high school. Almost 13 years old and realizing I wasn't as popular as the other girls. They had friends and were happy. I had no friends, and being bullied as "The Weird One" in the class made me hate going to school. But I still always smiled. Would that help me make friends? To be someone in this gray world?
But still, no one approached me, no one noticed me, no one loved me. What if it was myself? What if I showed what he really was like? I remember carrying a knife to cut meat from the kitchen at home. My true self wanted to see blood flow and take the place of those who were recognized. That same day, I approached the most popular girl at the academy, 'Hanare Iroichi'. She was a beautiful girl of European origin who came to this school and won the affection of everyone, due to her optimistic, charismatic, and energetic attitude.
She was so beautiful, her hair golden like gold, her eyes red like sapphires, and a body that far surpassed me. She was who I wanted to be. She was who the real me wanted to take her place. I wanted to be her.
After school, I followed her through the dark streets of her neighborhood. Before she reached home, I grabbed her tightly by her hair and dragged her to an alley. She was physically weak compared to me, and her ability to make her body glow wouldn't help her here. Did I scare her? Was she terrified of me? She kicked and wouldn't stop screaming.
Why did I feel... bad?
Before I knew it, I let her go and saw her running, crying for help. I could only turn around and leave. It didn't turn out the way I expected. Did I really not want to hurt her? Or did I?
" Himiko-chan?" On my way, I crossed paths with 'Ren Washi', one of my classmates. He was as popular as Hanare, cute, with dark hair and eyes hidden behind glasses. He was the tallest and strongest in the class. "Are you okay?"
I don't know when I grabbed the handle of the knife in my backpack. Now, I just wanted to do what I was about to do with him. My true self was screaming in my mind to do it. Just remembering Ren's shocked look when I stabbed him in the stomach.
What had he done?
And why didn't he stop?
Was it because of that warm red liquid splashing on my hands? Because of Ren's crying expression? I don't know how I ended up sitting on him, with my knife plunging into his chest. The blood splashed onto my face, and when I touched my lips...
I felt it again... that feeling of being complete... satisfied... this was it.
Licking the blood from my lips, I felt euphoric. I wanted more. I don't know how many times I stabbed him, but it seemed like hours. But I had to stop when I felt a few drops of water on my hands. Looking up, I thought it was raining, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
So what were those drops? Bringing my hands to my face, I noticed tears streaming down. Why was I crying? Wasn't I sad? When I looked down, I froze at Ren's lifeless gaze. He lay in a pool of blood, his chest covered in cuts.
What had he done?
Before I knew it, I heard a woman's scream carrying a basket of clothes on the roof of a nearby apartment. Her scream alerted the neighborhood. Many people looked at me with fear. I dropped the knife next to Ren's body and apologized repeatedly as I ran through the streets, faster and stronger than before.
When I reached near my home, I stopped to catch my breath near a construction site. In the reflection of a large window, I saw Ren's image melting. Looking at my hands, I saw a viscous white liquid. The reflection changed to show my original image.
I wanted to go home, to have my parents hug me and tell me everything was okay. But when I reached my neighborhood and saw my parents in the kitchen, my Oka-chan whispered, "Daughter... What have you done?"
Her terrified look broke my heart. I tried to say something, but seeing the blue and red lights outside, I knew the police had arrived. When I saw the phone in my Oto-chan's hand, I knew he had called them.
Why did everything go so wrong?
Why did being myself cost me everything?
Why were they afraid of me?