-Break-
Φ In the comfort and silence of his own room, Captivant's hands continue to move against his work as his mind moves away from himself. The creation of the chair and victory of Draga slowly start to fade from his heart, as deep within his soul he can only ask himself a single question that dominates any and everything in the world.
Φ I haven't been able to move forward for a while, something that has robbed me of so much. I tried so many different ways but it was all for not as it all existed to achieve a goal, but if the goal people are asking me to achieve if the conditions for freedom from Siegrund and domination of Draga are not based on an actual criteria but on the collation of skills towards a goal what I need is something to unite all I am into a goal, so dig deep and find what that it.
Why do I write? No more than that, why do I create anything? It's a question I've always had an answer to: to dominate the world and never become one of the sheep around me, but what does that mean?
To dominate the world? In what way? To stand on top of man-made systems? To have the ability to influence systems? But systems are eternal; they are concept they will exist and adapt to my existence before I do to them? Even then, is standing on top of the rules man makes for themselves the pinnacle of the world? Won't that just trap me with the rest of them?
But systems can be the efficient way for people to grow, so calling them man-made misses the point that some are simply the smartest way for any intellectual species to move forward, so do I aim to stand on top of only the most efficient and optimal parts of the world?
To what end? To grab the extra 0.00000001% of efficiency and wield that efficiency? But the demons that lie within the soul and nature still dominate any system at max efficiency. So I train each day of my life till I reach that strength, forsaking the chosen weapon of my life. Is it only right for myself to evolve to reach the pinnacle, or is it just admitting defeat and bowing to the world? But is choosing to surpass the world the same thing as believing you can overcome a cannon with a piece of paper?
So do I wish to become someone whose words can make any man fall to his knees and obey, even nature itself. Is that the skill someone like me can wield, or even have in the first place? The illiterate are numerous, and those who hate what others like exist; the foolishness and stupidity in the human heart can never truly be conquered and trying to engage in that battle might even be stupider and harder than any other challenge I've ever tried to take on. But I must if I wish to reach my goal, so I must dig deeper.
Yet such a task is the path of a god, and I am a human, one who was blinded by his own pride and arrogance. I was unable to see my father's strength, the people's value, the growth other people were capable of going through, the suffering I was subjecting people to, the grandness of my mother, Siegrund's suffering, the grandness of my legacy, the power of the will that carries so many forward. I was unable to give it the value it deserved and devalued it all.
But why did I do that? Why did I avoid looking at them? Did I truly feel so pathetic that I refused to see? It is all so blatant when I talk to them. But for so long, did I even talk to the people of this country, to the people around me? Did I investigate their souls ever before, and view the stories they have?
Why do I even like stories? I think it's because they are grand and tell of a world I will never get to experience, providing absolute truth. No, that isn't true. All stories are a fictionalisation of the past; even historical records, due to limitations, have no absolute truth in them.
I am not stupid; I know that, so why did I enjoy them so? Maybe it's because it gives me a way to here peoples voices, a way to here the perspective of those who existed in the past, the terror they felt, the wonder, the prinnacples that guided them to try and preserve things as accurately as possible, behind every word is someone screaming to tell another human being they will never know or here a story true to there existence that will never be stolen for them.
I loved that; I needed that because I was unable to get it anywhere. Yet the villagers were so kind; my mother and father were so kind, but they were different. They weren't the same as me; they didn't value the same things as I did, and I liked all humans. They tried their best to let some kind of love touch me, yet to me that love only made me more lonely.
I tried so hard to hear the stupidity of their actions that I didn't understand for the sake of keeping the peace, and they didn't do the same for me as much as I did for them, so I hated them; I resented them; I pushed them away.
But in truth, I understand why they did it because I hate things as well. I hate listening to things I don't care about; I hate interacting with people who don't get me; I hate hearing the voices of people talking about things I don't understand, and I just find some of the looks they give me so annoying. In the end, if more people were like me than the opposite, I think I would end up like all of them as well.
If so, why should I hate them? Why do I even look down on them? Is it because I was lucky enough to be born me that I think I am better than them? All of them are capable of at least being happy in the place they made for themselves, whilst I have travelled all around and couldn't find my own.
Even more than that, I couldn't even fully understand the stories and power they had within this small village of ours. But I want to, I want to be able to understand it like I understand everything else, I want to be able to engage with the story of Zaad Ziener and all of the people who pass through it with the same passion and vigour I use to engage with the rest of the world, because maybe, at the end of it all I will finally be able to talk with them all to communicate with all the people who I thought I could never here, to experience their stories.
The thought seems scary; it seems frightful, because the joy at the very idea of it sends shivers down my spine. Could I maybe one day understand them and love them just like I love Dumitra? Could I one day see these figures as my end goal?
Yet it doesn't matter as long as I can't shape such a faith, such a destiny, so I shall with these two hands given to me, with all the wisdom and strength that lies inside me.
-Break-
Φ His hands lay still; his mind lies blank, and as he lies with his head against his forearms, his eyes glaze open at the artwork granted to him by Valda, and only one thought flows through his head.
I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand!
Φ Despite all I've seen, despite all I've experienced, I can't bind everything together; it's all still just a mess. The feelings I thought I understood still lie away from me the closer I look into myself. I felt I was getting closer, but each time I do, I feel like something is missing from putting everything together, bringing me nothing but an eerie feeling of disgust as I lose confidence in every other aspect of myself over and over again, like a typhoon is rushing through my body.
I don't understand at the core who I am, but more than that, even with my heart fully set on accomplishing said task, I don't know if I can do it, I don't know if I've buried who I was so deep that no one can still see him.
The moonlight falls down on my body from my window, and slamming my fist against the ground, I say, "I can't stop here. I need to keep going forward, because if I stop at this point, I won't even be able to go back to who I was; either I progress or die."
Standing up, I start hobbling myself out of the room, and looking to Carina's side of the room, I say, "I won't die."
-Break-
Location: Zaad Ziener; Stargaze River
Standing by a lake, in the dead of the night, I splash water onto my face and say, "That really didn't do all I thought it would. I still feel like I need to go back to sleep. Maybe if I take a swim in the cold water."
Seeing the fast-moving water, I say, "If I fell in there, I don't think I would have the strength to pull myself back up, so I'll avoid doing such a thing."
Standing up, I start to walk back towards my house, yet as I do, I feel an urge of Spirit Energy, and quickly compose myself as I start to sneak towards it. I continue forward, reducing the sound of all my movement, as I prepare to strike whoever comes my way.
But as the pressure from the swings of his swords falls onto my body, I stand up and walk forward, saying, "Are you really out here training, Siegrund?"
Keeping his form steady as he swings his sword, he says, "There is never a point where I could ever hope to cease. Strength is something that you can always gain more of."
"Then would you sacrifice your memories of me if it felt like you could gain more of it?"
Stopping his actions, he says, "Obviously not. The fun part about gaining strength is pushing yourself beyond your limit through your own skill. But more than that, learning from the many different types of strengths other people have. Dumitra's movements have been stuck in my head, and I think I am getting closer to them."
"You really want that level of strength."
"Maybe, if I had it maybe I could've changed the fates of people I love. Yet still, through the journey it takes me to reach her strength, I can one day discover something about myself."
"I see. Then can I ask you for a favour?"
"Go on."
"What do you think I am lacking?"