This is so Fucking Stupid, my death was a fucking joke.
Not a "haha" joke, or an "Truck-chan has killed my while I saved a girl, who did not need saving." joke.
No, I was 0/8/2 on my Teemo. Our mid-laner, a Yasuo with more deaths than brain cells, had just inted into their fed Lux for the fourth time. The Lux pinged my dead body and typed "ez" in all chat, while dancing on my corpse!
Something inside me just... snapped.
Not in a cool, dramatic way.
In a pathetic, man-child way.
My fist, my stupid, meaty, worthless fist, sailed through the air and connected with the center of my monitor.
*CRACK.*
For one glorious, beautiful second, the frozen image of Teemo's corpse and Lux's taunting emote vanished.
I smiled. A real, genuine smile full of bliss.
"Yeah, get fucked."
My hand started to hurt and my victorious smile vanished.
"Shit."
Then the monitor made a sound like a soda can being crushed by a car and just... died. A shower of sparks, a puff of that burnt plastic smell, and darkness.
"Are you fucking KIDDING ME?"
I shot up so fast I sent my shitty gaming chair rolling backward. My foot caught the power strip. The power strip flipped. Something sparked. My whole rig, PC, monitor, speakers, the RGB mousepad that was supposed to make me a better player, all went dead at once.
"NO! NO! NO! YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING!"
I stumbled back, heel catching on the rat's nest of cables behind my desk. I pinwheeled my arms like a cartoon character, a desperate flail against the inevitable. Gravity, that unforgiving cunt, won.
My head caught the sharp corner of the desk on the way down.
There was a moment. A single, crystal-clear moment where I was just... there. Staring at the water stain on my ceiling, listening to my own ragged breathing.
*Did I actually just die because a Lux main typed "ez"?*
Then, well, the server called reality disconnected, and when I rebooted, there was nothing.
No desktop, no room, no desk, and no me, as in no body.
I tried to look down and I could not.
My brain, the useless piece of shit that got me into this mess, blue-screened on me. Total cognitive failure. For a good five seconds, well, five seconds to me, I was just... a thought. A floating, confused, and increasingly angry thought.
Then panic hit.
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!"
The words didn't just echo. They *reverberated*. Like the universe itself was a giant, empty cavern and I was the only idiot screaming in it.
There was nothing.
Gray. Endless. Fucking. Gray.
Not dark. Not light. Just... gray. Like the default background in a 3D modeling program, it had no depth, no texture. It just *was*. Fucking Blender...
"Okay," my voice said, sounding small and pathetic. "Okay. I'm dead."
A dramatic pause.
"This is some bullshit." I voiced out my indignation.
*Tick.*
I froze.
*Tick.*
Then another.
*Tick.*
I turned.
Standing there was a dude. Or something. He was short. Like, "should be a hobbit" short. Maybe four feet tall, max. He was dressed in a pristine black suit, crimson tie, the whole nine yards. His skin was pale as milk, and two little red horns poked out of his forehead. His hair was the color of a warning label, red mixed with black.
He smiled, honestly, it was the kind of smile a shark gives a fish right before it remembers it's a fucking shark.
"Congratulations," the little gremlin said, spreading his arms. "You are dead."
I stared at him.
"...No shit, Sherlock."
The little guy blinked, then let out a quiet, annoying chuckle. "I like you."
"Who the fuck are you supposed to be? The devil's intern?"
"My name is Bailed."
"Baylet? That name is made up."
"It is, Bailed, and the name is indeed made up, like all names."
"...What?"
"I am not human," he said, his smile widening.
I stared. "So I'm dead."
"Yes, indeed you are."
I looked around at the endless gray. "So this is what? Purgatory? The waiting room for the afterlife?"
"Well, techincally you are correct, this is Limbo."
"Hell?"
"No."
"Then where the hell am I? I know myself, and I am not going to heaven."
Baylet gestured vaguely at the nothingness. "The End of Roads, describes it pretty well."
I stared. "That's the most pretentious thing I've ever heard."
"I named it."
"Of course you did, you little edgelord."
Baylet's smile twitched, somewhat annoyed. "You died rather violently."
"I punched my monitor."
"I know."
"Then I fell."
"I know."
"Then I hit my head."
"I know."
"Jesus Christ..."
"Not here."
"What?"
"Jesus Christ," Baylet repeated. "He isn't here."
"Oh. Good for him, I guess."
Baylet laughed again. The sound was like gravel in a blender.
"I told you my name is Bailed!", he says annoyed.
I looked around. "So what now? Do I float here forever? Is this my eternal punishment for playing Teemo?"
"That depends," Baylet (AN: His name is Bailed! The lil shit just does it to annoy me...) said, his expression shifting. The amusement was still there, but now it was layered with something predatory.
"On?"
"On whether you want another life."
I stared. "...What?"
"Another life," he said, stepping closer. "I can send you somewhere else. Give you another body. Another beginning."
My non-existent stomach tightened. "You can do that?"
"Of course."
"Why?"
"Because I can."
"That's not an answer."
"Indeed," he agreed, his red eyes gleaming. "But it is the correct one. You already assume that there is a price."
There it was. The catch. The microtransaction in the game of existence.
I crossed my non-existent arms. "What do you want?"
"Nothing."
"...Bullshit."
"I said there is a price. I did not say the price would be paid by you now, at the moment you have othing worth my time."
I stared. "Okay?"
"After your next life is over we will talk about what I want."
"That makes even less sense."
Baylet (AN: Still Bailed!) just shrugged. "Take it or leave it..."
I rubbed my non-existent forehead. "Fine. Cut the shit. What's your offer?"
Baylet's (AN: Still Bailed, and not Baylet!) smile returned. "You get a second life."
"Where?"
"Somewhere interesting."
"Vague. I hate vague."
"It doesn't need to be specific."
"Am I going to remember this conversation?"
"Yes."
"Do I get anything? A starter pack? A welcome bonus?"
Baylet raised one finger. "A small cheat."
My non-existent eyes widened. Now we were talking.
"What kind of cheat?"
Baylet (AN: For fucks sake stop it man!) snapped his fingers.
The gray void shimmered. A massive, translucent screen materialized between us. It looked... familiar. So fucking familiar.
My jaw dropped.
"No. Fucking. Way."
It was the League of Legends client. Cleaner. Sleeker. But it was undeniable. Champion portraits. Items. Summoner spells. And on the side, a status panel:
**LEVEL: 1**
**GOLD: 0**
**EXPERIENCE: 0**
**CHAMPION: UNSELECTED**
I slowly turned to Baylet (AN: I give up! This moron is doing this on purpose...). "Is this a joke?"
"I assure you, it is not."
"This is League of Legends."
"Yes, it is."
"You're giving me a second life... with League of Legends powers?"
"Something resembling them, yes."
I stared at the hundreds of champion portraits. Warriors. Mages. Assassins. Monsters. Gods. Things that would give a Cthulhu a run for its money.
A slow, predatory grin spread across my face.
"So what's the catch?"
Baylet's smile became positively demonic. "You have to earn everything."
My grin vanished. "Explain it to me like I am five."
"You Pick a champion, and begin at level one."
"Obviously."
"You get to possess the abilities of whichever champion you select."
"Okay."
"However, you retain only the abilities and powers available to that champion at your current level."
My eyes narrowed. "So I have to level up like in the game?"
"Yes, you do."
"How exactly does that work?"
"Experience."
"From what? Killing minions?"
"Haha, close, but not really. Fighting, training, learning, surviving, also from killing, and finally, from completing 'quests'."
"Quests? What is this, a shitty MMO?"
"If you want to perceive it as such, then yes it is one."
"Do I get a system interface? A HUD?"
Baylet (AN: -.- ) tilted his head. "Would you like one?"
"...Yes."
"Then, sure, you get one."
I stared at him. "You're being way too helpful. What's your angle?"
"I have nothing else to do, and eternity is such a boring bs, if you do not find something worthwhile to do."
Fair enough, I guess.
"Gold, or rather money, must also be earned," Baylet continued.
"How?"
"Huh?! By working naturally. Money, treasures, or rewards. Whatever methods exist in the world you enter."
"And I can buy items?"
The shop interface appeared. I nearly had a non-existent aneurysm.
"All of them?"
"Eventually, yes, but you can only equip the same number of items as in the game."
"Can I buy a fucking Infinity Edge?" I asked, my voice trembling.
"If you can afford it."
"Zhonya's Hourglass?"
"Yes."
"Guardian Angel?"
"Yes."
"Rabadon's Deathcap?"
"Sure."
My eyes drifted to another section.
**SUMMONER SPELLS**
Two empty slots stared back at me.
"You said earlier, that I also get summoner spells," I said, pointing.
"Correct, I said that."
"Any two?"
"Any two, and you can change them once per month."
My brain went into overdrive with all the potential of these skills.
"What about their cooldown?" I asked.
"Oh, well you have to find that out on your own."
"Fuck."
"Choose carefully," Baylet (AN: Well, annoying, I know.) said, his grin practically splitting his face.
I frowned. "That's it? No URF? No Poro King?"
"No, that would be too much."
Then the champion screen returned. The big one, the one that truly mattered.
"Now," he said, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "The important part."
I stared at the hundreds of faces. "I get a champion."
"Yes."
"And their abilities."
"Still, yes."
"And when I hit level eighteen..." I started, my heart hammering.
Baylet (AN: Guys MC is a league player so he is an idiot by nature.) nodded. "You may select another champion."
I went silent.
"And I keep the old abilities?"
"Every singlke one of them."
"So..." I said, a slow, feral grin creeping onto my face. "I become stronger every time I hit eighteen."
"Correct."
My grin was so wide my non-existent face hurt. "How many times can I do this?"
Baylet shrugged. "As many times as you manage in a single life."
"...That's so fucking broken it's stupid."
I nodded slowly. I could live with that. Grinding was second nature to me.
Then I noticed another line. A simple, terrifying line at the bottom of the status panel.
**DEATH: FINAL**
I stared at it. "...What happens if I die?"
Baylet (AN: Stupid ass question, naturally you die permanently, moron!) didn't smile this time. His expression was flat, cold. "You die."
"No respawn like in the game?"
"No."
I looked at the system. Then at Baylet (AN: Stop being a bitch, the deal is great!). The weight of it all finally crashed down on me.. If I fucked up, I was done. Permanently. All this power, all this potential... gone. I looked at the champion portraits again.
Then I grinned.
"Where do I sign?"
Baylet laughed, a real, hearty laugh this time. "There is no contract."
"Really?"
"No."
"Then why the whole dramatic speech?"
"Because it sounds amazing," he said, completely serious.
I shook my head. "You're a weird little dude."
Baylet (AN: Very devilish indeed.) extended one gloved hand. "Do you accept?"
I looked at it. Then at the endless gray. Then back at the hand.
I had died.
Stupidly.
Embarrassingly.
Pathetically.
I had rage-quit life itself over a bad game of League of Legends.
And now this tiny, horned bastard was offering me a do-over. A chance to be something more than an angry nerdy guy in a dark room.
I reached out.
"Fuck yes, I accept."
Our hands touched, and reality exploded.
For one brief instant, the gray void was gone. I saw worlds. Forests of impossible trees. Cities of crystal and steel. Oceans that burned. Battlefields littered with the bones of gods. I saw myself standing beneath unfamiliar stars, a new body, a new life.
Then the system appeared one final time.
---
**WELCOME, SUMMONER.**
**INITIALIZING SECOND LIFE...**
**SELECT YOUR CHAMPION.**
---
The champion portraits began scrolling past. I watched them, my mind racing.
"Okay," I whispered to myself, a wicked grin spreading across my new, yet-unseen face.
"Let's see what kind of bullshit I can get away with."
And somewhere in the void, Baylet (AN: BAILED!!!) laughed.
Because the idiot had absolutely no idea what he had just agreed to.