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Konohamaru stood in the doorway, all six years of him, brown hair spiking through the hole in that ridiculous gray helmet. The child wore a yellow shirt with a crooked Konoha symbol and a large blue scarf hanging off one shoulder.
"Incoming! On guard, ol' man!" Konohamaru shouted, brandishing a shuriken. The child then tripped over his scarf and landed face first on the floor.
The Third closed his eyes and tipped his Hokage hat. It was all he could do not to let out a tired sigh.
"I get it, it's a trap!"
Another voice came from the back.
"A-Are you alright, Honorable Grandson? And for the record, there are no traps."
Konohamaru's tutor had dark hair and ever present sunglasses. He was in the standard Konoha shinobi outfit, lacking only the flak jacket.
When did my office become a playground?
Then, to top off this circus, Konohamaru pointed an accusing finger at Naruto.
"Aha, so you tripped me! It was you! Right?!"
Naruto responded with a flick to Konohamaru's forehead. "You fell over that stupid scarf."
Konohamaru rubbed the spot on his forehead, looking like he was on the verge of tears.
"How dare you harm the honorable grandson of the Third Hokage!"
Hiruzen really disliked it when people measured someone's worth based on their bloodline. As if Konohamaru's value was solely tied to being the Third's grandson. And then there was Konohamaru's smug little smirk. It clearly said he expected Naruto to apologize.
This whole debacle made Hiruzen realize his grandson needed a lesson in humility.
"Hey, apologize to me!" Konohamaru demanded, puffing out his chest like a little rooster in front of Naruto.
"Here is my apology."
Naruto raised his fist and gave the six year old the middle finger.
Hiruzen snorted before he could stop himself. Whatever else had changed, Naruto was still Naruto.
Ebisu and Konohamaru stood with their mouths hanging open like fish in open air.
"But... but I am the honorable grandson!" Konohamaru sputtered.
"And I am the Squire of Oscar." Naruto said it with a straightness in his spine that had not been there before.
Oscar.
The name matched no regional dialect Hiruzen knew, bore no resemblance to any naming tradition across the Five Nations or their neighbors. It was simply a foreign word with no origin point he could triangulate toward. And squire meant nothing to him at all.
"Ha!" Konohamaru recovered quickly. "That sounds lame."
Naruto looked the six year old a death glare.
Konohamaru immediately relocated himself behind Ebisu's leg with considerable speed. "I-I'm sorry."
"Next time you say something stupid like that," Naruto said, with a calm that was somehow more effective than shouting would have been, "there will be consequences."
"How dare you threaten—" Ebisu began, hand moving toward his kunai pouch.
Naruto made a hand sign.
A shadow clone materialized directly behind Konohamaru. Ebisu's kunai was already moving on reflex, the blade driving toward the clone's chest.
It shattered on the armor.
Hiruzen and Naruto both noted this at the same moment with the same expression. Looks like shadow clones with that armor are more durable than regular clones.
The clone's elbow found Ebisu's ribs and sent him stumbling back into the wall.
Konohamaru was vibrating like a leaf in the wind. He looked at Hiruzen with the expression of someone searching for a lifeline in open water.
"Don't bother," the clone said pleasantly. "I have already defeated the old man."
Ebisu's gasp could have been heard from the floor below.
Hiruzen coughed.
"Ebisu. Take Konohamaru out of my office."
"But..."
The Third Hokage gave him a look.
Ebisu grabbed Konohamaru by the arm and moved toward the door. On his way out Ebisu aimed a sideways glare at Naruto, who picked his nose. Konohamaru, dragged along behind him, looked back at Naruto with an expression that was equal parts terror and absolute hero worship.
The door closed.
The clone popped.
"Didn't want your grandson to know how you lost to my sexy jutsu?"
"I do not know what you're talking about," Hiruzen said, with complete composure.
Naruto chuckled to himself. Then the amusement faded as he asked, "So why am I actually here?"