It hurts. It hurts a lot.
Why does it have to keep hurting?
It's so unfair.
I clutch the blanket to my chest, wrapping my legs tightly around it, and using a balled-up corner to wipe my eyes as they keep leaking tears.
I'm trying to be quiet but I think I'm failing. The words keep swirling around in my head, twisting and breaking themselves, turning into something so much more cruel and painful than reality. It's a wonder how my brain can hurt me so much worse than anyone else ever could.
It's not fair.
I hiccup a gulp of air, only to sob, and push all the air out of my lungs again. I have a headache, probably from dehydration. I look over at my alarm clock and realize it's 2 in the morning.
I've been crying since 12:30, and my body feels so heavy. I'm exhausted and I just want the pain to go away, just for a few minutes. Just so I can sleep.
A sliver of light dances across my sheet, growing bigger. I look up and Aedin appears in the doorway, silhouetted by the light from the hallway.
"I'm sorry--..." I start.
He shushes me, and comes inside, closing the door behind him like we need the extra privacy, and flooding the room in darkness again. I watch the shape of him pass the TV and come to sit beside me on the bed.
I sit up, and he rests his hand on my knee.
"Why are you crying?" He asks.
"I didn't mean to be so loud," I tell him again. "I'm sorry if I kept you awake."
He shakes his head, turning to face me more directly. "You don't have to apologize. You're in pain. Do you wanna tell me why?"
I swallow. I don't. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to be held. I want someone to hold me. Not even just him, but from him, it'd be nice.
"Can I have a hug?" I ask.
He nods, and I scoot closer. He wraps his arms around me gently and pulls me closer still. I shut my eyes. For a split second, the pain fades. He's warm and pleasantly soft, and the way he rests his hands on me, it feels like he's scared I'll break if he squeezes too hard.
I guess he's not wrong.
He starts to pull away, too soon, and I don't want to let him. But I do, I let my hands fall, and feel his kind touches fade from my skin, buzzing. He shifts.
"If you need anything, I'm right across the hall," he murmurs, and his face is so close. I don't breathe, afraid that he doesn't know how close he is, and if he did know, he'd pull back.
He moves slightly closer, leaning forward, and I think he might be going to whisper something to me, so I move closer, too.
His cheek brushes mine and an electric shock shoots up my spine. In the blackness, I see the sliver of light from the outline of the door, locks of his black hair shining.
I feel his breath on my neck, and it doesn't last for more than half a second, but he presses his lips against my cheek, then pulls away again, leaving a phantom mark on my cheek.
"Try to get some sleep, and if you need, you can come get me," he says. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight," I breathe, my voice small.
He pats my knee a couple times, then stands and leaves. I can hear him fall into bed in the other room, and I lay back down, holding my blanket. My skin feels hot and my mind is buzzing, my fingers feel weak.
He kissed my cheek.
I turn over, facing the wall, pulling my pillow around my shoulder to cuddle it but still keep it under my head.
He kissed me. My cheek, I mean. I nuzzle my cheek into the pillow, and the trace of his lips doesn't fade. My skin still holds the memory of his careful hug.
I was crying about Ben and Aedin came to make it better.
My heart gets ripped in half. I was crying about Ben. I still wish he'd never left me. But Aedin came and the pain went away, only for a moment. But it went away because of him.
Aedin's in the other room.
Ben is a five-hour flight and the hardest decision of my life away right now. And who am I to assume he'd even want to get back together, if I did come out, now? If I could. It's been months. He could've found someone else. He could have realized there were other reasons it didn't work out.
Ben walked away and left me sobbing.
He held me like an antique, and my hands, even now, pull in his direction.
But I'm tired. So tired, now.
And I've decided not to cry over someone who made their choice, anymore. I shut my eyes and watch the shattered pieces of my heart slowly sliding back into place like a jigsaw puzzle. It's okay if I love someone else, now. I want to love someone else.
My fingers brush my cheek, unable to erase the mark Aedin left.
And maybe, just maybe, I wonder. Someone else loves me, too.