I am not scared of death anymore, not like I used to be, used to be terrified of it. Used to let it haunt my thoughts when I was sleeping, but now I embrace it. I look at the sun each day, grateful for the days I have. Praying that at least my end isn't miserable because we all know a miserable death is a no-good one.
I remember the day I had to be cut open, it was a scary, terrifying, my knees were shaking, hear pounding, and my eyes gushing out tears like an active waterfall. That day, I thought I was going to die, and I had thought that for the days before. I tried to act strong, but really, I was scared out of my mind, worse than a cat when they hear a loud noise. I was done for in my head, even though everyone tried to say it was fine. But I wasn't fine, I was overthinking and lost, practicing my death each night that I would lie my head down.
Biting my lip to ease the internal pain of the parasite buried within me, but it didn't help me feel better. Even though I know I wouldn't feel a thing, it still didn't stop the thoughts. In fact, it made me think all sorts of nasty thoughts about the way I would go. Even though I knew I would be okay, when you're scared, you don't think with your logical mind.
Everything instead floods your brain like a tainted river, panic rushing through your veins as you want to take any chance you can to escape. Run like your life depends on it because you feel like it. Feel like you'll lose your life if any sort of blade touches you, any sort of cuts made without your sight on what they're doing to you. But you will be fine, and I was fine even though I didn't think I would ever be again.
Fear and pain are temporary, and eventually they will all fade away.
"Am I ready now, mother?"
"Let me take a look at you one more time." She bit the end of the cigar and lifted my face, turning my head first to the right and then the left. Her expression hardened after examining me more closely, and she quickly let go.
"You don't look much like me, only by a smidge." She laughed dryly, "And, I gave birth to you, yet you have the face of the man who wronged me so."
She laughed again, this time holding her chest close as if it hurt her to say that, "But, no matter, you might have his face, but I will make you into something I am proud of. You are my child, and you will act like it and be better than he ever was. And, if I ever see his patterns in you."
She pointed her sharp nail at my forehead and narrowed her eyes, "I will quickly correct it, killing whatever trait he cursed you with and replacing it with mine."
She sucked in a breath, turning to the assistants and shooing them off, "You may go now, my daughter is ready, and we will wait here until dinner."
The assistants bowed their heads and quickly dispersed just as she attended, closing the door behind them as they left.
"Just you and me again, we will wait until everything is ready and meet your father in the center. I made sure to get some people on his behavior and watch him for me before the gathering."
She took another puff of her cigar, "He will not embarrass me this time."
She turned to me, "And, neither will you, but it doesn't seem I have to worry much because you have been a decent child lately, not much of that sneaking around like before."
She clicked her tongue, "You're actually starting to act like an heir and not a crybaby, so that lets me know I'm doing something good."
I nodded my head, quietly, as she continued to speak, and she seemed approving, giving a small smirk.
"As you get older, just a bit older, you will see why I did everything that I did, and you will understand the importance of having control."
It was quiet after that sentence, and we waited as she smoked and I pondered, wondering about where life would take me and about what my mother meant.
There was a part of me that knew she wanted some understanding of her reasoning, her grind behind becoming the woman she is today. But the other part felt she could have done better in raising me, maybe be nicer, without all the yelling and glaring. Still, I don't fully know her as a person, only as the ruler and mother she presents herself as, but maybe one day that will change. Or maybe I will one day grow to resent her, either way, eventually I will either see it her way or go somewhere else entirely.
There was a light knock at the door, and a voice followed, "The table is set, and your husband is here, Lady. Acres."
She nodded to herself and rose, opening the door for the announcer, "Good, we will meet him at the stairs, and all settle together at the dining table. The menu is all set for the night as well?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Read it to me."
"Starter: A Greek Salad with Garlic Escargot, along with French bread to accompany.
Appetizers: Stuffed Mushrooms with Cream Cheese and Habanero, along with a Margherita Basil Flatbread.
Main: Bluetuna Sushi with a side of Sliced Beef Wagyu, and a custom Green Wasabi sauce.
Dessert: A French Bread that is Creme Brulee with a Homemade Mixed Berry Jam."
"Add gold flakes to all of it, and then the menu is re-approved by me, thank you, and you are dismissed."
"Thank you, Lady.Acres."
The Announcer left, and my mother held out her hand, "Come, we have business to attend."
I took a deep breath, hesitant to take my mother's hand, shaking a little, so she grabbed it instead.
"Stop being scared, let's go and get this over with."